Move on

Last week I was in a car accident and I just can't get past what did and didn't happen.  The accident happened in an instant, but it's weight on me has been lasting.  My mom and my brothers' two beautiful girls were in the car.  We are so fortunate the accident happened to be minor and most importantly that no one got hurt.

Still, I feel so responsible and I'm finding it a lot to bear.  I don't understand how my brothers have been so awesome and patient, making this a non-event in many ways.  And I don't understand how my dad's first reaction was, "Alhamdollilah, something bad DIDN'T happen". I'm hearing, "there was nothing you could have done; it's not your fault".  I believe that and comprehend that, but I just can't seem to internalize it. 

I'm hoping that writing this will help me process what happened and understand better what's never been in my control.

Memory

I both fear and hope that many of the wonderful memories I have of the last couple years since Yusuf and Nooriya have come will be replaced by lots of new ones.

For when that happens, there's one memory in particular I want to write down.  Nooriya still prefers to drink her milk in somebody's lap.  Usually it's me or Zahra.  Though it's less often that it's me now, and sometime in the near future she may not even want a lap.

She is full of energy all the time, but when she drinks her milk there is a few moments of stillness.  She focuses all her energy on holding your thumb.  She tries to put her thumbnail in between your thumb and thumbnail.  It doesn't hurt, but it doesn't feel nice either.  For some reason, Zahra likes it.  I am not sure why I let her do it.  But, I am sure I want to remember this.