Saturday, August 29, 2015

Pissed off 2

It's been a couple days.  I'm not angry anymore.

I'm over it, but I wish I could say that I don't spend any energy on what made me upset.  I wish I could stop thinking about it completely.

This morning Yusuf and I were sitting together and noticed something right outside the window.  A small bird was wrestling with what looked like a blade of grass.  The bird was so small and insignificant.

I took a closer look and noticed the blade of grass was actually a smaller and more insignificant bug that the bird was having for breakfast.  It is gruesome to think about, yet so natural.

This scene had layers and gave me good perspective.  I'm small and insignificant and so are the two jerks that set me off.  My experience, while unpleasant, was natural, small, and insignificant.  And it happened and now it's over.  Move on Taher.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Pissed off

I got so angry today.  More angry than I can remember being.  It has been awful feeling like this.

I confronted the two jerks that set me off.    I lost it.  I was so angry that I was shaking.  I literally could not control my body.  I was aggressive though I didn't yell or scream.  The whole thing lasted maybe 10 minutes and afterwards I wished I had been more aggressive and meaner.  It's been hours, but I'm angry as I write this and it's still easy for me to see that my previous sentence is just ugly.   Meaner?!

I'm not proud of my behaviour today.  I'm not proud of my inability to calm down right now.

This is the part I want to remind myself should I ever feel this way again.

I have tried to calm down though; I've tried to focus on the positive.  It's been hard to focus, but it's important for it to be hard sometimes.  There's as much to be thankful for as when it is easy to focus, alhamdolillah.  Remember what Zahra tells the kids, if someone is mean that's their problem.

Also remember Taher, stuff happens and being angry sucks.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

milestones

I've been thinking a lot about milestones.  I've been thinking both about what mine are and what they mean.

School is starting and it's making me nostalgic.  I'm thinking about the reference points in my life so far graduations, meeting Zahra, the kids' first steps and more.  I quickly come up with a long list.  I count the kids' milestones as mine too:P

I put this list together and quickly see that there are almost no milestones I count related to work.  There are two - both times I quit:P

I want to remind myself is that I've already been lucky enough to have lots of positive milestones and hopefully many to come including our soon to-be-ready house.  Almost none of them come from work.  Yet, work gets a disproportionate amount energy from me.

Taher, even when work seems to be so important remember that it barely makes the list of important stuff.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Pancakes

I don't love eating pancakes, but I love making them. Every Saturday and sometimes on Sunday too Nooriya and I make pancakes. It's wonderful. I'm up early, it's peaceful, and it's something the kids and I look forward to. I'm not much of a cook but Nooriya tells me I could be a chef at IHOP;)

We've developed this routine and it makes me feel great. I have come to realize that it's not the pancakes or the making the pancakes with Nooriya or even the routine; I crave the good feeling, the high, I've been lucky enough to associate with the feeling with the kids and Saturdays. 

I want to more consciously associate this feeling with the things that are really important to me, Zahra and the kids. I don't want to waste that feeling on things like work or other "distractions". 

At work I have a twice yearly process I have to write down my goals and priorities for the year and assess them.  I usually think of this as HR BS and office drudgery. 

My goals should be simple and I will do well to read this at least twice a year. 

This is Nooriya's pancake recipe. I love it!!!

(Pancake mix
Dood 
Cinnamon 
Mix)

Saturday, July 04, 2015

Smile

It's been a long day. Tonight, Yusuf is giving bags of candy to some friends. It is wonderful to watch I can't help but smile. 

Smile Taher.

 Just a reminder. 

Monday, June 29, 2015

First namaz

Yesterday in our soon to be house we did namaz for the first time. The house was still very rough around the edges and there was construction debris covering much of the floor. 

It was amazing. It was the first of hopefully many to come with family. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that so many things had come together in life. It was the culmination of all that and the beginning as well. 

Since I was "young", I've had the feeling that the best stage of life was just starting and was just around the corner as well.  

Alhamdolillah. 

Taher, don't rush to get around the corner. 

Monday, June 22, 2015

Madeleine

Iftar today was Madeleine cookies, a kind Yusuf and Nooriya love. Yusuf is a big kid now and he does namaz with the other kids now which is a bit sad for me that he's getting bigger and bigger.  But he still comes back to do Iftar with me. 

I watched him enjoy his cookie. He was focused and really enjoyed what he was doing. I doubt there was much else on his mind. He was in the moment and distracted by nothing. I wished I could feel what he was feeling, but I'm so glad just to watch and notice. Alhamdolillah. 

There's too much that's almost always going on. So much that I feeI I need a vacation from it all. Yusuf and Nooriya remind me that I don't need a vacation. Sometimes just a cookie;)