Together

I’m reading a cool book about black holes. The book, like much of astronomy books, tries to put things into perspective that our brains can comprehend. 

This book did that in an amazing way. It talked about all the effort needed to take a picture of a black hole. The whole world had to cooperate in order to do it. The world had to coordinate a series of telescopes around the world to get a picture that was like, “reading the date off of a quarter in San Francisco from New York City”!  Wow!  Humans are capable of doing amazing things when they cooperate. 

Taher, work with others. Remember Taher, it’s amazing what people can accomplish together. 

One

I make sure to listen to people when they talk about family stuff and things that they say that they may not think anyone is really listening.  Especially at work.  Part of being seen by others is seeing them as well.  One doesn't happen without the other.

As I often do, I sent a note to someone at work to say thank you for doing that thing a while back and added a little something to let them know I was listening to the detail they shared.  It seemed somewhat insignificant.  It must have been important enough to them to mention though.  I got a note back saying their day was made.  I have no idea what they might have been dealing with, but it just took one note to make their day.

Taher, one positive thing is sometimes all it takes.  Say the nice thing.  It might make someone's day.

Representation

Today a young woman was courageous enough to say hi to me when I was taking a break in the kitchen having a snack. She introduced herself and I invited her to sit and join me.  She commented on how cool my topi was and asked if I was muslim.  She also shared that she usually wears her hijab and that she didn't see anyone like her at work.  This made me sad.  Then she asked me if I felt comfortable wearing my topi here and about my journey.  I'm not shy about it, but I usually don't share.  Mostly, I don't think people care that much.  But she asked.  I was happy to share and I told her that I did feel comfortable and my experience at Zurich is that people respect me.

It may have just been my topi or it may have been something more.  Something made this young woman ask me about my journey and considered what I said on her own.  She later emailed me thanking me for the advice.  I shared, but didn't give any:)  I think and hope that she felt a little more seen today.

Taher, be yourself.  Be visible and put yourself out there.  Sometimes that's all it takes for someone else to feel seen.

Regret

There is one instance in my recent memory I wish I had behaved differently.

Not too long ago I was doing namaz in public the way I've done so many times before.  This time was different.  Someone confronted me when I was doing namaz.  I wasn't scared at all.  It wasn't confrontational, but the other person was definitely adversarial.  I was civil and nice enough and I even said, "have a great day" at the end of our interaction.  I regret not being outwardly nicer.  I have thought about what I regret and what I still think about before.  In my head, I was nice, but he didn't know that.  He could have easily interpreted what I thought was pleasant as me being sarcastic when I said, "have a great day".  Mostly, I regret not taking an opportunity to have a good interaction and possibly brighten someone's day.

Taher, learn from this.  It's not enough to think it.  Do it and make it clear.

Kindness

 I've often confused the words nice and kind.  They are not the same.  It's important to be kind.  That's easy to know.  It's not so important to be nice.  Being nice often manifests being nice for it to be known by others and being kind is not for others.

This is why it's so important to give without anyone knowing.  It's important to do this.  It's an important takeaway from the mushkeywala riwayat.

Taher, strive to be kind.  Don't strive to be nice.

Word choice

How someone feels when they come to my house matters. I want to be responsible generally for making people feel good. That’s being human. I want very much to have them leave my house with a feeling that they remember. I remember when someone made me feel like that and it left an impression that has lasted years. 

Last night, we had people over and I tripped over my words. My offer of a ride came out as something else. I immediately corrected myself and tried again. I hope they don’t remember my poor word choice. I will unfortunately. I know they won’t leave with that feeling I was going for though😞. 

Taher, word choice matters. Choose your words carefully. 

Pay It Forward

 I heard an interview and part of it was biographical.  The interviewer asked about regret and said something along the lines of "your regrets are a reflection of what you value".

This got me to think about my regrets.  I have one regret that's bugged me for a while.  About 5 years ago, the person in front of me in line at the cafeteria forgot his wallet.  He only realized he couldn't pay when he was ready to go.  He left in a hurry to get his wallet.  I wasn't fast enough to offer to buy his food.  It bugged me that day that I didn’t help out and I still think about it.

Taher, remember what you value.  This is what you regret years later.

Dunkin

I was having a long day and got some afternoon coffee.  My dessert coffee, DD😀.  I saw a man doing Asar namaz in the parking lot.  It looked as if this man had done this many times and it was easy for him.  I've done namaz in public too many times.  It's easy for me now.  It wasn't always.  When I saw him, I felt a bunch of things and mostly felt that that looked hard and he did it anyway.  It was inspiring.  It makes me want to do more good despite being difficult.

Taher, do good even if it's hard.  Someone might see and be inspired to do good.

Working Backward

 There's a lot of probability in my work and a lot of potential biases.  There's very little in work or in life that's 100% certain.  In other words, there isn't usually an exactly right or exactly wrong decision.  There's a bias about projections.  Trying to reconcile what our future self would want with what we want now.  Think grocery shopping while hungry.  Not a great idea:P

There is a compounding effect.  It's easy to be way off about our future self when we think several decisions ahead.  Backcasting takes a different approach.  It's kind of the opposite of forecasting.  It's starting with the goal and working backwards to get there.

Taher, think about you're goal and then act.  There may not be a 100% right decision, but there's definitely a better one.

Jewels

 I feel so lucky to be here in Paris listening to Moula’s waaz relay everyday. I often wonder what took so long. I’ve thought a lot about the path that led here. I even wrote about it a while back. 

It’s just a few days in. I know I’ll not retain many of the details after long, but I’m confident the impression will remain. I can already tell. Some of the themes aren’t earth shaking. However, they’re easy to forget. I’ll do well with a reminder. The themes I’ve taken away so far are simple generosity, thankfulness, and forgiveness. Moula reminded us that life is short and not to wait for tomorrow. 

Taher, be generous now. Taher, be thankful now. Taher, forgive now. 

Debit Card

 Yesterday Yusuf had a milestone.  One of those where he probably didn't give it a second thought and thinks what's the big deal and this is boring.  He opened his first bank account and got a debit card.  I got to go with him.  Chase made us go to the bank with an appointment and everything.  We had to both be there.  At first, I thought this whole thing was annoying. I thought "why can't I just do this online?".  We were at the bank for an HOUR!  What?!

This wasn't very exciting and Yusuf I'm sure thought it was boring at times as the person helping us patiently took our information and walked us through the online portal.  It was boring, but it had some cool moments.  Yusuf got some checks.  He turned to me and asked "Abba, how do these work?".  He asked questions like, "what if I try to spend more money than I have?" and "what's a savings account?".  He had to sign a bunch of electronic disclosures.  Stupid things I've agreed to a thousand times before.  It was his first.  He turned to me and asked, "Abba, is it ok to click next?".

On the whole, it was kind of boring, but there were moments that starkly reminded me this was momentous.

Taher, be there.  Sometimes he still needs you to tell him it's ok.

Picture

 This is one of my favorite pictures. I like it so much that I have it my closet. I see it every day. 

I took this picture over 20 years ago. I was in Israel and it felt amazing to be there. It was before I had a digital camera and could see the image instantly. I had to wait days to see the pic and it came out great.  I’ve got a great reminder that takes me back there. Every day I look at the picture and feel full of possibility. 

Taher, do cool stuff. You may not realize or see it, but it may be amazing in the future. 

Red light

 Red is on top for a reason. 

Taher, stop first. Then act/speak.

Luck

It’s easy for me to fall in the trap of thinking “you get what you deserve”.  I don’t think that’s true mostly. It follows logically that “it’s your fault “.  I don’t think that. That’s insensitive and just not cool. I guess what I’m trying to remember is that the strange thing about being lucky is it’s easy to forget you’re lucky. Little is in our control. That’s not an excuse to not try, but a key to being happy. 

Taher, remember you are lucky and you are not responsible.

By example

I’ve recently had the opportunity to do some volunteer stuff. It was most important to me to make the kids a part of it. I wanted to do this with them and I talked about it so much that they think it’s routine. I reminded them about it so often that they were a bit sick of me bringing it up, but it’s important. It should be top of mind for them. 

I think volunteering is important in part because I get to do it with them. I’m realizing it’s just as important to do it so they see. They see. They notice. They internalize. 

Taher, the kids are watching. 

Activity

It’s Ramadan again and I want to write something down. Each year I like to focus on something. Each year one of the things I like to do is just sit and slow down. I think it seems like a convenient way to avoid doing things. At masjid, it may appear as skipping a chance for ibadaat. 

I see sitting and slowing down as a form of ibadaat. I hope I’m right.  Sitting still used to be passive for me. It’s different now. Slowing down is an active choice and not the absence of a choice. Being still makes me more patient and a better listener.

Taher, sit and actively be still. 

Ride

 Last night it was my good fortune to help someone out. It was raining and dark and this woman’s car was blocked. It was my friend’s mom. I offered her a ride home and was able to drive her. 

Whenever I get the chance to help someone older, my thought is when any of my 4 parents need a hand I hope there is a friendly face they find who lends a hand. I had that thought and another one. 

I hope Yusuf and Nooriya have that same thought when they see someone who could use a hand. I would be so happy if they think helping people benefits Zahra and me. They weren’t there to see me help, but I made sure to tell them. 

Taher, help because it’s awesome. Also, help because it’s good for your moms and dads and help because it’s eventually good for Zahra and me. 

Fresh Eyes

 I have this wonderful memory of sitting in Moula Ali’s roza for the first time this past year. The memory evokes what I was feeling. This rare calm in my experience. I was there with a friend that noticed me just sitting there. I’m not sure what he saw or noticed, but he commented “I remember my first time here just taking it in. Enjoy!”

There’s this wonderful and fleeting feeling I think I get the first time experiencing something whether it’s watching the sunrise on the first morning of vacation, hearing Yusuf declare his soccer slump is over, Nooriya’s gymnastics meet, or more generally stopping to think about all I get to do.

I say fleeting because it’s easy to get used to whatever and probably a little natural to take stuff for granted. 

Taher, it doesn’t have to be the first time or rare. Stop more often and look again. There’s a whole lot of stuff you take for granted. 

Shift

I heard a story that was inspiring. I’ve heard the story many times before and thought I got it, but I heard it again and a different commentary at the end. It’s the well known story of the Good Samaritan. Just help people.  Stop to help people. Simple. 

I understood a new layer of the story after hearing it again. It was just flipping a simple question. “What happens to me if I help?” was asked differently. It was posed as, “What happens to the other person if I don’t help?”.

Taher, shift your thinking.