Scavenger Hunt

Yusuf has been working on creating a scavenger hunt for the kids nearby.  He was really thoughtful putting together the clues.  He was thoughtful to make sure they weren't too easy or too hard and that everyone from the youngest kids to the oldest kids would be included and engaged.  He thought about where he could and couldn't hide clues all up and down the street and at the park.

He was really thoughtful about the teams.  He wanted to make sure there was an even mix of intelligence and was sure there were older kids to chaperone the younger kids.  He tried very hard to appease everyone when they had requests about whose team they wanted to be on.  And he was very diplomatic in explaining about the requests he couldn't fill even if it didn't feel important to him.

After a few false starts the scavenger hunt was on.  It seemed like a good time for all and seemed to work out great.  A success!  

Later my dad commented that he was a natural leader.  My first thoughts were yeah and allhamdolillah.  I thought more about why.

Yusuf was thoughtful and it made him successful.  It played no small part in him being a leader.

Taher, be more thoughtful.

Leadership

 School has been interesting  this year to say the least.  So far I'm really impressed with how well the kids and teachers have adapted.

The other day I got to be with Nooriya during school for a bit.  It was pretty cool I thought.  She seemed pretty engaged even though it was a Zoom call.

Then something cool and unexpected to me happened.  She was sent to a virtual breakout room with some other kids.  It was pretty clear she was in charge and not in a bossy way at all.  There were maybe five other kids and she was directing them to do tasks.  It was cool for me to get to observe this which is probably her typical interaction with peers.  

There was something else I noticed.  From my perspective, she was clearly in charge.  It wasn't clear because she did most of the talking.  She did a lot of listening.  This virtual format requires that in a way.  Two people can't really talk at the same time if either of them want to be understood.  I love that she's learning to be a good listener right now.  She listened and then talked and was clearly a leader.

Taher listen better.

Cemetery Gates

 I have been to the qabrastan many times and the circumstances for going there always sucked.  I reflected on the qabrastan many years ago.  I thought about how it really sucked and yet it was cathartic and reminded me of what was important.  I vividly remember when I wrote this so long ago not thinking about myself being buried, but rather how many times I might have to do the burying.  I also vowed then to come back to visit the peaceful place when the circumstances didn't suck so much.

After many years, today I finally did go when it didn't suck so much.  It was the first time I was able to go and look at all the gravestones without a crowd of people and being there while someone was being buried.  I was still given a sense of focus though.  I had the chance to look at the many gravestones and think I knew that person and that person and that person...It was heartbreaking.  

I got the end of the people I knew and saw a name I recognized.  It was my friend's mom.  I was a little kid.  I was too young to remember much in detail, but I remember her and I remember the whole thing being sad.  I then noticed the dates.  She was 37 when she died.  What?! I then walked around again looking at these graves and all these people who passed away and looked at the dates.  There were so many people who died in their teens, 20's, 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s.  There were even some kids.  An 11 year old, that I remember dying when I was a kid.  My heart broke again.  Hard.  I think my heart broke the hardest when I got to the beginning.  There were two very little kids.  A 10 day old and a 15 day old.  I know the parents and I realized that so many of the people buried here were outlived by their parents.

This time, I did get that focus and was reminded about what's important without feeling that immense sense of loss that people feel when they lose someone they love. I didn’t think about losing people I love though. I thought the people who died and their loved ones and the many parents that lost a kid. I thought about what is going on in my life now and all the stuff people probably had going on in theirs when someone they loved died. I wasn’t there for a funeral and it was somehow more sad. 

Taher, everyone has got something going on. 

Abba!

Plan A

I have been going back and forth on how much control I have over plans.  I’m not so sure. The details don’t go to plan all the time for sure, but maybe the big stuff is part of the plan. It has to be. So many times in my life I’ve taken a moment to think that so many, many things had to go exactly “right” for something to happen the way it did.

I’m here, I met Zahra at the exact right time, Yusuf and Nooriya came into our lives, and so many, many other things that I can’t list.

Taher, it may not be part of your plan A, but there is a plan. 

Audible

These last couple months have upended a lot of things for lots of people. Things are definitely very different now. We’ve developed some good habits and adjusted a bunch. We have definitely changed a bunch of things. I am mostly happy with how things have gone for us and proud of how we have adapted. I do consider my self a look-at-the-bright side person, but hopefully not annoyingly so.

COVID and the last couple months have made clear to me that my plans don’t matter. Some stuff will happen whether I want it to or not. Like pretty much everyone else, I didn’t expect any of this and it changed a bunch of my plans both short term and long term.

Taher, plans change and it’s not in your control. Go with the flow and be happy. 

Hope

Hope is like the sun. If you only believe it when you see it you'll never make it through the night.

Pet Peeve

I've gotten to spend a lot of time with Zahra, Yusuf, and Nooriya.  I've reminded myself that I really like my roommates.

I have been thinking a lot about ‘annoying’ this Ramadan. I’ve wondered to myself more than a few times recently, “am I being annoying?”.  I think ‘probably’, shrug, and continue doing whatever it is I was doing in a less annoying way I hope.

I know that Yusuf and Nooriya find some stuff I do annoying. I make the same joke every opportunity. I realize they stopped thinking it was funny a long time ago. Whenever they are telling me something they often say rhetorically, “guess what”. I make them stop and listen to me guess something totally outrageous and unrelated as they roll their eyes. I also ask totally stupid questions when they are explaining something. It’s often met with, “Abba stop!”.  They didn’t really think it was funny when they were 4. I’m not going to stop though.  It’s my thing.

I’ve realized that some stuff I’ve found annoying in the past no longer is. It used to annoy me to get directions when I knew where I was going. It used to annoy me when people would ask if I’m eating enough. These things don’t annoy me anymore. In fact, it’s often the opposite now.

Taher, you don’t have to be annoyed. It’s not easy, but sometimes what’s left is awesome. Taher, know that one day Yusuf and Nooriya will stop being annoyed with your stupid jokes and they’ll see what’s left. 

Giving

This year for Eid I was able to give Zarha something super special.  It wasn't an object or material.  I learned a song for her.  It took me months.  I was obsessed with getting it right.  I practiced all the time.  I literally practiced a thousand times.

It was all I thought about.  The song was stuck in my head.  It played in my head all day and even was the soundtrack to many of my dreams.

I thought about the perfect way to give it to her.  I thought about what I would say and what I would do.  I thought about where I would give it, where Zahra would sit, what Yusuf would do, what Nooriya would do, how to make sure everyone was in a good mood, how to prevent any interruptions from our phones, that the camera had enough memory, and every other detail I could think of.

Along the way, I realized something.  I started doing this completely thinking about Zahra.  I was consumed with making sure that it was just right for her.  I started out doing this completely for someone else.  Along the way something unexpected happened.  At some point, though, it became an amazing present for me.  The present was getting to give and hopefully make someone else happy.

I read this post I wrote almost six years ago about 'The Giving Tree'.  The story had a new dimension for me.  Basically, the tree gives and gives and ends with the tree being happy.   I understand the end part more now.

The Beatles said it, Zahra said it, and probably some other smart people too.

All you need is love.

Taher, remember how giving made you feel. 

Random

Every Ramadaan I focus on something and I usually write a blog about it.  This year Ramadaan has been weird.  Life is weird and different.  I have been thinking a lot about something this year. Randomness.

Aspects of this quarantine suck, some are awesome, and some things are not changed very much. It’s weird. I reprimanded my mom for trying to give me a hug. What the F?!!  What is happening?  I don’t know and I can’t even think of a possible reason for so many people to be affected. Maybe that’s the point Taher. Humans were just not made to understand.  I'm remembering a book from my youth that made an impression on me and reading some of the posts I've made about it over the years.

Taher, there’s many times to come that you won’t understand. It’s not random though. Everything will be ok. 

I still have no idea

I’m rereading my post from 2012. I probably still have no idea and as I predicted 8 years ago I’m rolling my eyes. I did know I would love everyone even more than then. I was right about that too. 

Another day

I heard this Beatles’ song as I was working out this morning. The lyrics were very sad at first...

“

Every day she takes a morning bath she wets her hair
Wraps a towel around her as she's heading for the bedroom chair
It's just another day
Slipping into stockings, stepping into shoes
Dipping in the pocket of her raincoat
It's just another day
At the office where the papers grow she takes a break
Drinks another coffe and she finds it hard to stay awake
It's just another day

Do do do do do do, it's just another day
Do do do do do do, it's just another day

So sad, so sad
Sometimes she feels so sad

“

Then I realized another day is awesome. It’s another opportunity. As pedestrian as this sounds, another day is another chance to be better than yesterday. The Beatles have some of the best lyrics, even when they’re totally misinterpreted 😄

Taher, you’ve got another day. 

Path

Our TV has a screensaver and I saw a picture of myself from years ago.  I remember how happy and full of shukur I was.  I also remember realizing how much shukur I wasn't doing being around some people with incredible attitudes of the time they got to do qadambosi.

This situation is so....I'm sitting here thinking about all the ways to finish that sentence.  There's so much going on and Alhamdolillah we're all healthy.  We've managed to incorporate a bunch of positive habits that just make us feel good.  We spend more time together now.  We eat together.  We don't simply eat at the same time; we eat together in the taal.  We listen to each other more.  And like normal people we sometimes lose our patience, but then we remember why we're feeling the way we are and it just seems stupid especially considering what many are dealing with.  Yesterday we spent an hour raising our collective blood pressure about perler beads!

We do namaz together at home.  And not just at the same time.  Moula gave me raza to do imamat namaz at home.  I didn't think I'd ever do that in my life.

I started writing about the picture that I've seen a thousand times before.  It's a picture of the moment Burhanuddin Moula gave me my Mufhusiyat.  It came up and I stared at it in awe.  I knew it was awesome then.  It felt like I had reached something amazing then.  I had no idea the path it would lead me on and no idea that would lead here.

Taher, do that thing you know is amazing even if you don't know why.  Do it even if it's hard.

Shukur

I was reminded of my brother’s ziyafat years ago. I remember him giving two teenage girls a pass to do qadambosi. It was the first chance they had in their lives and they lived in a place Moula is often. I was there with my 1 and 3 year old to do qadambosi that I thought to be a foregone conclusion. They were so so so happy and reacted in a way I vividly remember to this unexpected opportunity. They were overjoyed. It was so meaningful. It made me re-think my shukur for getting to be with Moula in Misr. I thought Alhamdolillah, but I imagine it was just a fraction of what these girls felt. There is more shukur to do. 

Giant Tiger

The title of this post probably isn't apt or good.  I don't really even know what I want to write about.  

I do know I want to write something.  I am feeling so many things -shukur, frustration, and boredom just to name a few.  I hope that things return to some kind of normal soon.  

I am going to miss the interactions with people that require being close to them.  I'm going to miss asking someone how they're doing and being closer with my body language signaling that I am really asking and want more than a "I am doing fine" in response.  I'm going to miss listening attentively to someone from just a foot away and them seeing I'm really listening.  It's going to be replaced with something, but I don't know what.  It's going to be different for sure.

I hope that when we come out of this people will appreciate more that everyone has something going on.  I've been on so many calls with colleagues where there is less of a formality or barrier. Everyone has a kid or pet or something else in the background.  Everything is just a bit more personal and casual even though we're physically further apart.  I hope the glimpse will result in people being a little more empathetic and a little kinder.

I'm looking forward to one day being old and telling a grandkid, "Back in 2020 when we were sheltering in place..." and being met with an eyeroll.

This is all very ambling.  Taher, it's like were living on a sleeping giant tiger.  Every once in a while the giant moves or wakes up.

Come together

A couple days ago I got to watch Nooriya in the talent show. She was awesome of course. I’m a proud papa for sure.

The night was memorable for another reason. A pair of other little girls came on stage to sing. The  music started and as one girl started there was some feedback and the mic made an awful noise that wasn’t planned drowning her out. She already looked a bit nervous. I can imagine how she felt. The curtains opened on the stage and she probably saw what seemed like an overwhelmingly large audience. The technical difficulties threw her for a loop and she began to tear up. She couldn’t continue. The other girl immediately hugged her and all the parents in the audience cheered. Many yelled “you got this!”  She tried again, but was pretty flustered and got stuck again. Again her partner hugged her and the crowd cheered. She tried a third time, but couldn’t go ahead and she got the same response from her partner and the crowd.

She was able to do it the fourth time and gave a big smile and thumbs up to her mom at the end. It was beautiful!!! The whole thing was amazing. Everyone came together reflexively, automatically. I couldn’t help but stand and cheer at the end.

Taher, remember how good it made you feel to support someone. Remember how good she seemed to feel after being supported. 

Some things

Nooriya and I had a night out just the two of us. Still reliable to make her happy is to be with her and give her pancakes and ice cream. It was awesome time just the two of us. We played games and spent the evening together. Even her glasses matched the sprinkles on her waffle bowl. She loved it😍.

At the ice cream shop, there were some older high school girls sitting by us and talking some nonsense about boys. This feels like deja vu.

As we headed home on a Frozen song came on the radio. The hook went, “some things never change” and it just repeated over and over until I got it.

Some things change.

Taher, some things never change. 

Forgiveness

Today, like many Saturdays I drove the kids to madrasa.

Today was a bit different.  Yusuf usually doesn't ask me for help with his madrasa stuff.  Alhamdolillah, he's really good at stuff in general and really good at madrasa stuff.

He usually doesn't want to talk about madrasa stuff on Saturday mornings, but today he asked me for help understanding something he was learning in class.  I don't recall the exact words, but one concept stuck with me.  It was about forgiveness.  I had to be thoughtful about it as I tried to explain it to him.

The thing he was looking for help understanding was basically saying, "be resolute in forgiving".

I explained that it's in his interest to forgive.  I told him it was saying be determined to forgive because you will be more able to be happy.  It's not a difficult concept I think, but I was glad to articulate it and get the reminder.

Taher: Forgive; you will be better off.

Dad

These last couple weeks I got to spend a lot of time with my brothers and my nieces who are at different tween and teen ages. They both have very different parenting relationships with their daughters and differing involvement with their daughters when they were all much younger. One thing they have in common is that they both care a ton for their daughters. It is and has been clear to me.

This trip was different for me because of Nooriya’s age and my relationship with her. I’ve been lucky to get to spend time with my brothers in the past. This time, I noticed more and maybe paid more attention to their interactions with their daughters. I noticed they were different than they used to be and maybe frustrating for my brothers at times. I can now relate. I appreciate that every parent-kid relationship is different. I know they love their daughters very much and it’s probably frustrating at times. I also know and can tell my nieces love their dads.

Taher, your relationship with Nooriya will be frustrating and hard at times. Nooriya is growing up. Be more patient.