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Often Nooriya and I have this back and forth,

Me:  “I love you”
N: “I love you”
Me: “love you more”
N: “I love you more”

I usually say this in my head “You think you do”. I let her have the last word and just smile even though I know she’s not right and just doesn’t know it.

Taher, sometimes let her think so and have the last word. 

Not that bad

It’s been about 8 days since I hit my head and needed stitches. Going to a hospital in India was not great. The emergency room was about 200 square feet with 3 beds, a desk, about a dozen people working, and just barely enough space to have a wheelchair move through the space. Hitting my head, lots of blood, going to the hospital, and being abroad sounds like a terrible confluence of events. 9 days ago I would have put this somewhere near the top of the list for bad things that could happen.

After having gone through it, though, it’s not as bad as I would have thought. It might seem terrible as I imagine it, but it wasn’t so bad. The thought of something bad, in this case, was way worse than the actual thing.

Taher, it may not be what you think it will be.

Alhamdolillah

Plans for tonight and probably the rest of the trip changed tonight. I was distracted by a runny nose and going to the sink to take care of it. I stumbled and hit my head on the door frame. There was so much blood. My first thought was “Ouch!” And that was quickly followed by “what is all this sticky stuff?”  I next yelled (I thought I yelled, but Zahra says I need to express more urgency) “Zahra, come!”

I was kinda freaking out that there was so much blood everywhere and my mind was going to a hundred different places. Within a minute the kids were crying and what seemed like an army of people materialized to take care of me. Immediately after calling Zahra, which was instinctual, I realized what she might have seen and started worrying about her. 

It seemed like so much blood. I can imagine what it looked like to the many people that came rushing into the room. I’m pretty sure I scared the shit out of everyone. Within minutes I was in a car and on the way to the hospital that happens to be only a few blocks away. In Mumbai even a mile at rush hour can easily be an hour trip. Within 90 minutes, I had five stitches from Dr. Vijay and a cool new haircut.  I was mostly embarrassed and thankfully not in any pain. Going to a hospital in Mumbai was definitely not part of the plan for the day.  Also, the bill was less than $40?!!! I want to remember that detail for some reason. 

I did think Alhamdolillah. Though, it wasn’t my first, second, or even tenth thought.  I had the benefit later to think about the thousand things that went right and the thousand ways it could have been slightly different and way worse.

As it should be, my perspective is Alhamdolillah. If I’m honest, it still took a few minutes to have that thought and it was competing not-so-successfully with other louder thoughts about my situation. It was a pretty short time and I’m glad that I thought Alhamdolillah relatively quickly, but I still see a lot of  room for improvement because it was still a conscious thought and not a reaction. Even though I have a gash on my head and some stitches, this didn’t feel like a super high stress situation.  It wasn’t a difficult situation despite how I am describing it.  I want to get to a place where thinking Alhamdolillah is automatic so that’s where my mind goes not just when it’s easy, but when it’s hard too.

Taher, keep thinking Alhamdolillah. It will eventually become automatic. 

Acceptance

I was up early as I love and is my habit on vacation and the weekends. I got to watch the sunrise which happens everyday. I did my morning stuff including a guided meditation. I thought of the serenity prayer as I finished. It’s not new to me and I’ve heard it probably a thousand times before. Today there was something new about it for me.

“
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
“

On the way to the hospital, mom said something that stayed with me and gave a new dimension to the serenity prayer for me.  She said, “Taher, I know you want to help. You have to take care of yourself“. There was no “but”. For the first time, it was explicit and became clear to me that it’s not one or the other. Accepting I can’t do something isn’t giving up and it isn’t some passive resignation. It’s actually courageous.

Maybe that’s the wisdom part of the serenity prayer. It’s hard to accept my limitations because I want to help. I’m coming to accept one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. Sometimes helping is best achieved by not trying to help. It makes little sense, but it’s starting to make more sense.

Taher, be courageous and be helpful. Do it in the best way you can. 

Be here now

It’s our last night here in Mumbai. The pace of the evening is nice and slow. It’s very relaxing. We’ve packed and there’s nothing to do other than relax. We have the great fortune of having a close friend who opened their house to us and also happens to have an amazing west-facing view of the ocean. They have a nice chair with an ottoman placed in the perfect spot to enjoy the view. I sat on the chair and put my feet up about 30 minutes to sunset enjoying the view and now able to make out where the sky meets the water because there is a beautiful reflection of a bright, large orange sun.

I sat and put my headphones in to listen to a meditation as I watched the scene outside. Nooriya asked me loudly “Can we do a logic puzzle?  I told her in a few minutes and I thought to myself, “This is great timing, argh”. She asked again about 10 seconds later. I patiently replied, “in a few minutes.”  I started listening to the meditation titled “be here now”. It took 90 seconds, but I realized “DUH” and I pulled out my headphones and spent time with Nooriya and did a puzzle with her.

Taher, do the puzzle. 

Beneficiary

We’ve finished our ziyarat trip. It was a whirlwind with lots of beautiful sunrises and time in the car. I’m sick of this car now!  We capped our trip with one last stop in Nasik. There’s no ziyarat here. The reason we stopped is because someone connected to mom and dad invited us over. Mom and dad are somehow connected to them because of something they’ve done and something they will do. Zahra, the kids, and me were just tagging along. The family opened their house and fed us and gave us chai. We have no connection to them other than being connected to mom and dad.

The ziyarat trip has us driving a bunch on these not-so-great roads. They’re still paved and although we’re tired, we’re in a car.  Not long ago there weren’t roads and cars and nice places to stay to look forward to when you reach. We’ve come a long way.

There’s so much I have/get/get to do because of my four parents. Theres so much to come that I can’t understand. There’s so much benefit that Yusuf and Nooriya get by their connection. The four of them have done so much and experienced so much that has laid the foundation this life I’ve been able to build.

Taher, remember this and pay it forward.

Default

I recently heard a story about how a small change to a default in medicine had a huge impact. The basic idea behind the change was to have the default to prefer a generic prescription instead of a name brand and it took a really small amount of effort to achieve.

I’ve been able to be relaxed and more pensive on this trip. I’ve had a lot of opportunity to think differently and more clearly I think. It’s regularly led me back to thinking Alhamdolillah.

Taher, let thinking Alhamdolillah be your default. 

A Kind Word

We went to Galyakot for ziyarat. The ziyarat was great. There were lots of people who weren’t mumineen from the surrounding area coming to pay their respects. Some of them came barefoot and stood in the sun.  Everyone had a different journey and a different experience, but everyone was together.  It was beautiful.

I’m in the car driving away and looking out the window thinking that we’re all connected and we’re all together even though I can’t see it with my eyes.

Helping someone else is good for a lot of reasons. We’re all connected. You may not be qualified or skilled or otherwise equipped to help someone in a way they need. You are equipped to say something kind. Literally everyone can benefit from that.

Taher, you are equipped. Alhamdolillah. 

Friday Morning

Sadaqa

I’m reminded of a story I heard a long time back. It was about a well-to-do traveler setting out for the day in India. He left for the day with a few hundred rupees in his pocket. It was more than enough for the day. He started his day with some breakfast and some tea. That was usually 40 rupees and the person collecting the money asked for 60. Instead of doing the customary bargaining and paying the 40 rupees the traveler knew to be the right price he thought “I have plenty, it doesn’t matter “ and have the 60 rupees. As the day went on he realized he had forgotten this and that and needed this other thing. He ended up spending all his money. He had just enough. He made it through the day. Just as the day was ending he came across a poor person who just needed 20 rupees to eat his first meal in a week. The poor person was literally starving. The traveler reached into his pocket to find he had 0 rupees. He wanted to help, but couldn’t.

The message is clear.

Taher, remember that it may not mean a lot to you, but it may mean a lot to someone else. 

Yesterday

This post is trip adjacent I guess. I watched the movie “Yesterday” on the plane ride over. I love the Beatles and that song. I’ve had the lyrics stuck in my head for days. It’s like they’ve been persistently appearing in my head until I figure out what they mean.

“ Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away

Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday”

I finally realized this morning as I watched the sunrise that this song is about today and that someday soon today will become yesterday.  Maybe it was obvious before and I just didn’t get it. It seems obvious to me now. 

I’ve peacefully gotten to watch the sunrise two days in a row. No rushing to work or whatever. No busyness. It took two days in a row and to understand these lyrics that have played a thousand times in my head. 

Taher, the sun rises every day. 

Waking Up

Priorities

I’ve been so lucky to get to spend so much time with dad. There’s two moments I especially want to remember.

There’s tons of shopping to do in Bihndi Bazar and shopping isn’t dad’s favorite thing. He wanted some stuff and picked it out really quickly. When it was time to pay for stuff he just handed the lady a stack of money and said “you count”. It wasn’t obnoxious at all. It was actually somehow friendly. He didn’t want to spend time on this and he had decided he trusted the other person. It was also a totally baller move.  Two things really stuck out to me. Money doesn’t matter and respect the person in front of you.

Later that day, dad was tired after a long day of stuff and clearly about to nod off. Nooriya right at that moment asked him jarringly to do something or the other with her. He perked up immediately and almost automatically said, “ Of course!”  Again, somethings really stuck out to me. Spend your time wisely and take advantage of every opportunity.

Taher, keep your eyes and your mind open. There’s so much to learn. 

Youth

I’m sitting in the masjid in Surat. The peacefulness of this place is deafening. There’s so much here. So much history and in an obvious way somehow it feels like a massively important place for so many reasons.

I’m overwhelmed here, but not by the importance of this place. I am overwhelmed by memories of this place when I spent a few months here as a teenager a long time ago. I have memories of people and places that are a bit fuzzy and super clear at the same time.

I have so many memories of sharing a room with a bunch of people and spending so much time together doing a whole lot of nothing. There was one random Billy Joel album that I listened to at least a thousand times. I am terrible with lyrics, but I still remember every word and every song of that whole album 22 odd years later.  I wonder what Yusuf and Nooriya will remember.

Taher, don’t underestimate what’s important to them and choose your words carefully. They may remember them exactly in 22 years. 

Notice More

Today started out wonderful. I was a little jet lagged and got up super early. So was the family. We all got up together and spent some time lounging in bed listening to Zahra sing the intro jingles from 80s sitcoms and from random commercials. She knows EVERY WORD of all them. How?!!  This family time lounging in bed is awesome and usually kinda forced because usually there’s somewhere to be or people wake up at different times or both. The stars aligned on this Monday morning and we all started the day with a rare and amazing moment.

Taher, notice stuff and not just on vacation.

I’m getting used to being here and after our busy day of spiritual bucket filling ziyarat and shopping. I love getting to watch other people be happy and satisfied. There’s a ton of that in ziyarat and being with Zahra when she’s getting stuff done for the family.

Taher, notice how people feel.

I got to go for a walk near the water with the kids. It was amazing to see and hear what they noticed. It wasn’t the noise or the busyness all around. They noticed a bright orange sun and looked in wonder able to focus on that beauty and block out everything else for a moment. I’m loving that Yusuf takes out his phone to take pictures and video of whatever he wants to share with people. I’ve taken so many boring pictures of him taking a video or picture. I find it so cool.

Taher, notice what other people see.

Both physically and spiritually I’ve spent the last several hours getting ready for a week of what I expect to be intense spiritual experiences and meeting family and shared experiences with the family and mom and dad. And a whole lot of stuff I don’t even know. I can’t wait to write notes to my future self about what I’m about to learn. 

First day

I’m finished with the first day of my trip. It was a loooong day. The last time I got some sleep in a bed was 56 hours ago. It’s more than 24 hours since leaving, but still feels like one day.

Before our trip, I excitedly told a bunch of colleagues and friends that I was going on vacation to India with the family and my in-laws. I kept having to immediately respond to the quizzical look saying ,”my in-laws are awesome”. They are and I super appreciate that even more knowing how scarily typical that people don’t seem to like their in-laws much. Alhamdolillah. I lucked out getting some awesome ones.

I also said I wasn’t looking forward to the long flight.  That was really nice too though. I actually got to sit next to Zahra. On planes now a days we typically have a kid or an aisle or both between us. I watched a bunch of movies I really like and just sat and relaxed a bunch.

We finally reached and it was so familiar. It was wonderful. We had someone waiting to pick us up and someone wonderful that opened their home to us. Again. I was talking with her and realized I’ve gotten to stay with her 4 times.

It was great trying to see India through the kids eyes. They looked out the windows and we peppered them with questions about what they saw. The city is truly massive. In the same view, we saw multicolored, beautiful slums that were on the water near probably many million dollar homes with similar views.

We reached early Sunday morning and there were already lots of people exercising, selling stuff, pulling carts, driving rickshaws, and just going about their lives.

I can already tell this will be a highlight of this trip. We got to do ziyarat of two Moulas. To say it’s a busy area is an understatement. There’s a mass of people and a cacophony of sounds. Inside the roza, however, it’s totally peaceful. I have been so caught up with life lately. This was the spiritual experience I needed and didn’t even know. I came with all these thoughts of things I would do dua for. When I was there I realized I don’t want to do dua to be whatever or have whatever or for my health to be whatever. I wanted to do dua for being happier with what I have instead of thinking about what I don’t have.

Taher, don’t ever forget that feeling you had today. It’s the same one you had right after moving into your forever house. “I already have all I ever need”

Later I got to hang out with Zahra and the kids all day which was awesome. I had a conversation with Yusuf that made me so proud.   It was him asking questions about the kaamwalas. He thought it was so weird that people would be servants to other people. He understood that some people have whatever and some people don’t. I could tell his thought process from the questions he was asking and the way he was asking “why would someone be subservient? why...”  My response was often. “Yup. It’s weird”. I love that his instinct was to think it doesn’t matter what people have and all people are fundamentally the same. I’m so certain he’s going to continue to get even more empathetic and be an even better human.

Taher, people are people. Learn from the wise soon-to-be 12 year old. 

Blinded by familiarity

Last night my parents and brother and family came over for pehli raat dinner.  It's a tradition that we all get together and spend time together.  We've been doing it for years and everyone assumes that's what we'll do.  We take turns hosting and I have to think for a moment about whose turn it is.  I confuse the where and the when, but still retain vivid snapshots of each year.  I can still remember doing pehli raat with everyone when Yusuf was just a baby and crying his eyes out.  And then we added a few more kids to our thaal in the years to come!

Our thaal usually has ten people.  It's really full and every year we have so much food we can barely fit it all in the thaal.  We go through dish after dish.  There's usually more leftovers than what we started with.  It's wonderful. 

The greatest part of all this is we get together.  Between all the logistics and the craziness of the night we're all together.  We even all clean up together.  Everyone pitches in and gets in each other's way a bit, but we do it together. 

It's automatic and familiar.  It's easy for me to overlook the wonderfulness that's taking place because I'm used to it.  Alhamdolilllah that I'm used to it. 

The wonderfulness is happening all the time.  It's sometimes too familiar.  Taher, notice more.

Second Chance

I overslept this morning. I was totally bummed. I remember going to bed last night being really motivated to get up and get moving. Instead I had a crappy start as I woke up late and went to get ready. I looked at my watch and it was only 2:37!  It was a really realistic dream. I totally felt bummed and now I had a do-over. I woke up early and had a good start to the day👍.

This made me see clearly that we get a second chance all the time. Taher, recognize the chances you have and remember how good it felt to get a do-over. 

Vacation

I’ve written and thought about being on vacation a lot and even written about it a couple times. I vividly remember two moments. Once on a road trip in California and another taking in the sights in Thailand.

The memories are so vivid because I’m lounging on a patio alone with my thoughts and thinking Alhamdolillah was for all of the wonderful stuff in my life. I’m normal and I have crappy stuff that gets me down just like I imagine everyone else. I don’t sit around thinking how wonderful everything is and I am definitely not always succeeding in seeing the “bright side”.

I know I have a lot. It’s not a complicated thought or a difficult perspective to have. And I just feel good when I think about that. I wonder why is it so easy to have that perspective on vacation and so difficult to have sometimes when I’m not.

Taher, step back and have that perspective. There’s lots to think Alhamdolillah about. 

Restaurant

We just went to a restaurant.  It was nice; just the four of us spending time together.  Nooriya had a game for us to play where we would guess each other's favorite restaurant.  Everyone wrote down their guess.  Yusuf was guessing mine.  He wrote, "whatever restaurant mummi is in".  It was such an awesome answer.

I was so PROUD!!!! And I'm happy to know that Yusuf notices the love and partnership and articulates it so well.  He might think it's gross right now:P   I'm also super happy he sees it's possible and expects that a relationship with his future person should be a similar partnership. 

Stillness

This week I had my first ambulance ride. Alhamdolillah, I’m fine. Mysteriously, I couldn’t walk and I had no choice but to stop being busy and take that ride. I suddenly had this excuse to just rest. I think it was my body telling me to just stop being busy.  Fortunately, I was pretty much 100% in the morning.

Fast forward a couple days. I’m up before everyone and just sitting and appreciating the calm house. I’m reading a book aptly titled, “ The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down”. It’s a bit on the nose, but I’m slowing down...and there is a lot to see I’m realizing.

Just slow down once in a while Taher. Don’t wait for an ambulance ride to force you to do it. This one had no consequences. The next one might.