Pissed off 2

It's been a couple days.  I'm not angry anymore.

I'm over it, but I wish I could say that I don't spend any energy on what made me upset.  I wish I could stop thinking about it completely.

This morning Yusuf and I were sitting together and noticed something right outside the window.  A small bird was wrestling with what looked like a blade of grass.  The bird was so small and insignificant.

I took a closer look and noticed the blade of grass was actually a smaller and more insignificant bug that the bird was having for breakfast.  It is gruesome to think about, yet so natural.

This scene had layers and gave me good perspective.  I'm small and insignificant and so are the two jerks that set me off.  My experience, while unpleasant, was natural, small, and insignificant.  And it happened and now it's over.  Move on Taher.

Pissed off

I got so angry today.  More angry than I can remember being.  It has been awful feeling like this.

I confronted the two jerks that set me off.    I lost it.  I was so angry that I was shaking.  I literally could not control my body.  I was aggressive though I didn't yell or scream.  The whole thing lasted maybe 10 minutes and afterwards I wished I had been more aggressive and meaner.  It's been hours, but I'm angry as I write this and it's still easy for me to see that my previous sentence is just ugly.   Meaner?!

I'm not proud of my behaviour today.  I'm not proud of my inability to calm down right now.

This is the part I want to remind myself should I ever feel this way again.

I have tried to calm down though; I've tried to focus on the positive.  It's been hard to focus, but it's important for it to be hard sometimes.  There's as much to be thankful for as when it is easy to focus, alhamdolillah.  Remember what Zahra tells the kids, if someone is mean that's their problem.

Also remember Taher, stuff happens and being angry sucks.

milestones

I've been thinking a lot about milestones.  I've been thinking both about what mine are and what they mean.

School is starting and it's making me nostalgic.  I'm thinking about the reference points in my life so far graduations, meeting Zahra, the kids' first steps and more.  I quickly come up with a long list.  I count the kids' milestones as mine too:P

I put this list together and quickly see that there are almost no milestones I count related to work.  There are two - both times I quit:P

I want to remind myself is that I've already been lucky enough to have lots of positive milestones and hopefully many to come including our soon to-be-ready house.  Almost none of them come from work.  Yet, work gets a disproportionate amount energy from me.

Taher, even when work seems to be so important remember that it barely makes the list of important stuff.