Margin

I'm thinking about the plan.  There is a plan.  It's just not the one I made.  It's better and I don't see it.  I don't know what it is.  No one can.  That's the thing.  "Unexpected" stuff happens all the time.  It's part of the plan though.  

We're not helpless though.  We can do things and at the same time the things we do are part of the plan.  Stuff will happen and it's not "unexpected".  When something is important there needs to be space for the "unexpected".  If Zahra or Yusuf or Nooriya says, I will meet you in the mud room at 6:50, it's imperative that I'm there and ready.  I want them to rely on me.  6:50 doesn't mean 6:52.  It's not leave as little time as possible for all the steps so that it ends at 6:50.  Things never go exactly as you think they should.  6:50 doesn't just happen.

Life doesn't go exactly as you think it should.  The "unexpected" happens.  It's supposed to and things get in the way.  Plan for things to not go exactly as you think.  When you do that, you know it's important.  It can be the other way around too.  If you know it's important, plan for things not to go exactly as you think.

Taher, things don't go exactly as you think they should, but they go exactly to plan.  Leave a margin for the stuff you know is important to go the way you want.

Too Easy

I recently learned about something in the brain.  It is when things are procedural or too easy we lose out in the long-term.  I thought the title "Too Easy" was very apt.  I thought of another post I had written back in a few months ago and later came to learn I had coincidentally named it "Hard".

In it, I recalled something Moula tells us.  There is a lot of sawab in doing wazu with cold water at fajr.  Back in when I wrote the post, another layer became clear to me.  There's a lot of benefit in doing the hard thing.

No surprise that some research confirms what Moula's wisdom is telling us.  It is specific, but at the same time the thought can be broadened.  

I'm learning about Block Learning vs Interleaving.  In short, block learning is doing something over and over using the same method or learning by procedure.  Think formula.  Things work only if something fits the formula.  This is true when learning a math equation or practicing chess all day or very specific or narrow domain knowledge.  This leads to wins and observable progress in the short-term.  It comes at the expense of the long-term though.  The opposite is interleaving.  Think concepts.  This is frustrating and often leads to frustration and lack of observable results.  This is stickier.  This kind of learning is harder, but objectively better.  This is strongly correlated with learning to do lots of things; it is related to gaining knowledge in multiple domains.  Most of the best athletes, musicians, other artists, and academics practice this kind of learning.

There's a lesson here.  Whether it's parenting, sabaq, hosting, school, work, or any of many other things, we might not be able see the payoff, but it's there.  That's maybe the point too.  We often can't see and just have to trust.

Taher, do the hard thing.

Cornbread

Yesterday Yusuf and Nooriya cooked everything.  Another time to be in the backseat and just enjoy.  I was the helper.  It made me feel so good.  I love seeing them both come into their own more and more.  I'm getting used to this new stage of parenting and doing less.

Everything tasted great.  Not great because my kids made it; it was just great.  There was one thing with the food that was unintentional and made for a great memory.  Nooriya was making mashed potatoes and cornbread.  At meal time, she mixed up the two and served the cornbread batter as the mashed potatoes.  

Everyone took some.  It looked delicious and just like mashed potatoes.  We started and one by one people got to the potatoes and said stuff like, "did you accidentally put sugar in the potatoes?", "why is it sweet?", "is it supposed to taste like dessert?".

We got to spend more time with dad yesterday which was wonderful.  He's still teaching.  He took some cornbread and insisted that it was great.  He didn't care.  He ate everything.  He was present and he enjoyed the moment.  He was maybe in a different stage of grandparenting.  He was doing less and being there more!

Taher, do less sometimes, but be there more.  Taher, remember your priorities.

Happiness

Money can’t buy you happiness. Happiness is maybe more complicated than that. There’s a lot to it probably. 

There is definitely a relationship between money and happiness. Money buying happiness is probably the wrong way to frame it though. A more helpful way to thinking about the two is to simply frame the relationship differently. Money doesn’t buy happiness; it can only mitigate unhappiness. And up to a point.

After that point it doesn’t matter much at all. This framing puts the focus on the other stuff. The other stuff like relationships with people and quality of interactions and attitude are where we can focus. These things are often in competition with money in some way. They’re also the things that are often most in our own control. 

Taher, focus on the right things. The right things don’t include money.

Niyat

There’s lots of interactions everyday.

One yesterday stands out. It was after vaas. Moula was padahring just past. Everyone was seated and doing deedar. It was nice and relatively calm for a Moula situation. Everyone was able to do deedar and thamakun sey.

And then a few seconds in one dude in the front stood up. He was very quickly followed by several people around him standing. And then more people. It was like a wave. I could feel myself and a few around me groaning collectively and I remember thinking, “SERIOUSLY!?”.

I stubbornly stayed seated thinking this is the adab thing to do. Then everyone was standing around me and I had to stand out of safety. Again I thought, “SERIOUSLY?!”.  I have to get up and do what’s not adab right now. 

I thought, not immediately I admit, what was this guy’s niyat?  Was it to annoy me?  Very very very likely not. He just wanted to see moula. All those other people probably did too. I have the insane naseeb to be annoyed. I get to go in so many situations where I get to be close to Moula and have his nazr. Alhamdolillah!

This is just one example, but annoying stuff happens all the time everyday. People’s niyat is almost always good. 

Moula repeated three times one my favorite things he says, “wa lad deen ilul hoob”. There is no deen without love. It has a new layer today. Love people’s niyat. That’s part of deen. 

Taher, look at people’s niyat. It is almost always good. Love that. 

Chill

The more I learn the more it becomes clear that stuff doesn’t matter as much as it seems in almost every case. 

So much we’re instructed to do begins with “thamakun sey” [fill in the blank].  

Just relax!  Relax while you eat. Relax while you do namaz. Relax when you do tasbee at the end of namaz. Relax when you work. Relax when you sleep. Relax when you dream. 

In fact, have a passion for relaxing. Relax and appreciate the world. Appreciating the world is ibadaat. 

Work hard at relaxing. When that person or thing annoys you that’s the way it’s supposed to go. Relax and let what’s coming come. It’ll come to pass regardless

Taher, just relax!  You’ll get what’s coming to you and it’ll be better if you’re relaxed to receive it. 

Twice

The day has its twists and turns. It plays out and is done once it’s done. We have one body.

It’s an opportunity though. We can each live the day twice. Each day we can live the day and each night we can think about how we would have wanted to spend the day. It’s like a big do-over. It’ll probably lead to better sleep too😁

We are “prisoners” to our bodies I suppose. We have the choice to be angry that we are here or take a different view and mark time in days until…Either way we’re stuck until we “get out”. 

Taher, be a better prisoner. Each day has a second chance. 

Trust

This is post mostly advice for me to read later. 

What do you see when you look at people?Don’t be surprised. They are exactly who they are supposed to be. Trust that they are. Trust them. Give it away just like love. 

Trust people. Sometimes they might not come through and you will get burned. They aren’t supposed to always come through. That’s why trust is so hard. 

The alternative is don’t trust or trust slowly even. You will still get burned. You won’t realize it though. People would come through and you won’t know. It’s lonely. 

Taher, trust people.  People do what they’re supposed to. It’s hard, but it’s worth it.