Door

I've been working for a while now and it amazes me now that sometimes the value I bring is just being there.  It's nice to be valued, but it still seems strange.  I've had a colleague who liked to say, "Change is inevitable.  Progress is optional".  This value from little other than experience is a change.  It's progress.

I've been a parent for a while now too.  I don't always feel valued by the kids:)  It might come later, but it's not really important.  Things are definitely changing though.  I think we've all heard something like when one door closes a window opens or some annoying bright-side-of-every-situation-type phrase.

Things are changing.  The kids are changing.  Not all at once, but they've entered this new stage.  They're older.  Nooriya is learning to drive.  I get to teach her:)  She's so excited.  It's wonderful.  My value is simply being the passenger.  I don't really do anything.  Last night Yusuf went out to a friend's house after Zahra and I went to bed.  My value will be to simply be here and listen to him tell me about something from his night.

Tonight Zahra and I are going out and the kids have their own separate plans.  It's not the first time, but things are definitely changing.  It's becoming more normal.  Another door is closing...

Taher, things are changing.  They will change again.  Taher, choose progress.

High School

I went back to my high school to see Nooriya’s gymnastics meet. It has been 25 years since I was in that building. A lot is different there, but it still brought back a lot of memories. There is stuff I remember that I didn’t even realize I remember. 

I don’t remember high school as the best time. Actually, thinking of high school as being the best time of your life is kinda sad.  It was complicated like I’m guessing it is for everyone. I wasn’t the sports guy. I wasn’t the smartest usually. I wasn’t the most popular or the most talented either. 

Somehow I was nice to people most of the time and that worked really well. I definitely didn’t have it figured out. I couldn’t articulate it. I wasn’t just kinda lucky that I was nice to people. 

Until today I didn’t really realize that I was nice and kind then and that was the reason high school was as good as it was. I can articulate it now. Being nice and kind works at this age and I’m glad I can articulate it now and strive for it. 

Taher, be nice and kind. It will probably still work in 25 years. 

Small

Life can be rough.  Duniya kind of stinks.  Stuff happens all the time that sucks.  It is easy to focus on that.

Everyday, though, there are all these little moments of joy or happiness.  These moments of beauty are everywhere.  They happen all the time and many are just too small or to mundane to appreciate.  Why not appreciate them?  Things like a person smiling at you, a friendly hello, someone making space so you can change lanes, or someone holding the door.

This small stuff happens everyday.

This makes me think of the riwayat of rasulallah asking people he was with to gather fire wood in the desert.  They all didn't think there was enough, but it piled up when people accumulated the small amounts.

There's small amounts of happiness everywhere and everyday.  We can pile it up.

Taher, notice the small.  Taher, do those small things.  Someone else may pile those up.

Legacy

Life is short though it may not always seem like that.  It has a way of seeming even shorter when looking back.  Kids grow up and things change.  You have milestones and low points.  Those seem to be the memories that stick.  

The other day dad came over and told me the story of when he first got to the USA.  I'd heard it before, but I love watching him tell it.  It was the 60 year mark.  He made his way to Minneapolis.  There was a snow storm and his connecting flight was cancelled.  He was being hosted by a family he'd never seen for a few days in rural Minnesota.  A bunch of them had all come to the airport to receive him only to not have him arrive.

My dad got bumped to a later flight.  It was 60 years ago so he had no way of letting them know.  The family all left, except for the dad.  He stayed back.  And was miraculously there to meet my dad, all by himself; a foreigner in a strange place.

They eventually drove the 1.5 hours back to their farm where at 11 pm the whole family had waited to eat dinner.  The mom went to the library and researched what would be ok to eat.  She prepared the meal and assured my dad that there was no pork in anything.  After dinner, the dad showed my dad to his room.  He even pointed and said Mecca is that way.  He even figured out which way qibla was!  

Part of this family's legacy is my dad and his story.  Wow!

At this point, my dad silently reflected on 60 years of life since.  He thought about his legacy I imagine.

Then the mood changed.  My dad talked about this picture on his desk.  It's a picture I know well.  It's on his desk.  It's a picture of his whole family on the day he left.   Everyone gathered.  Going on a plane, let alone to the US was a big deal then.

A new part of the story developed.  There are 19 people standing with my dad.  He noted that all 19 people had passed away and even 2 of the seated kids had passed away.

Taher, remember that your legacy is bigger than you and do things that you'll be proud of when you think about your legacy.

Lyric

This a favorite lyric of mine.  It's a mid 90's song that was fun to listen to and then something more.  The song goes,

And soon if we're lucky we'd be unable to tell
What's yours and mine

I had thought this was cool and up until this day I thought this was just about me and Zahra.  

Today is a heavy day.  It's simply sad in a lot of ways.  It is probably one of many sad days to come.  This lyric is now about something more than the relationship between two lucky people.  I think it's really about stages in life.  They pass and then somehow they become unrecognizable.  One day Zahra and I weren't together and now we are.  The before doesn't seem real.  Once we didn't have kids and then we did.  The before doesn't seem real.  Stuff will happen in life and the before will be unreal.  Sometimes we'll be lucky and sometimes we will not be lucky, but there will be change.  There will be a before. 

Perhaps, I'm reading into this far more than the author intended.  Perhaps, the lyrics really are that deep.  I like to think this depth just snuck into a pop song.

Taher, there will be an after.

Margin

I'm thinking about the plan.  There is a plan.  It's just not the one I made.  It's better and I don't see it.  I don't know what it is.  No one can.  That's the thing.  "Unexpected" stuff happens all the time.  It's part of the plan though.  

We're not helpless though.  We can do things and at the same time the things we do are part of the plan.  Stuff will happen and it's not "unexpected".  When something is important there needs to be space for the "unexpected".  If Zahra or Yusuf or Nooriya says, I will meet you in the mud room at 6:50, it's imperative that I'm there and ready.  I want them to rely on me.  6:50 doesn't mean 6:52.  It's not leave as little time as possible for all the steps so that it ends at 6:50.  Things never go exactly as you think they should.  6:50 doesn't just happen.

Life doesn't go exactly as you think it should.  The "unexpected" happens.  It's supposed to and things get in the way.  Plan for things to not go exactly as you think.  When you do that, you know it's important.  It can be the other way around too.  If you know it's important, plan for things not to go exactly as you think.

Taher, things don't go exactly as you think they should, but they go exactly to plan.  Leave a margin for the stuff you know is important to go the way you want.

Too Easy

I recently learned about something in the brain.  It is when things are procedural or too easy we lose out in the long-term.  I thought the title "Too Easy" was very apt.  I thought of another post I had written back in a few months ago and later came to learn I had coincidentally named it "Hard".

In it, I recalled something Moula tells us.  There is a lot of sawab in doing wazu with cold water at fajr.  Back in when I wrote the post, another layer became clear to me.  There's a lot of benefit in doing the hard thing.

No surprise that some research confirms what Moula's wisdom is telling us.  It is specific, but at the same time the thought can be broadened.  

I'm learning about Block Learning vs Interleaving.  In short, block learning is doing something over and over using the same method or learning by procedure.  Think formula.  Things work only if something fits the formula.  This is true when learning a math equation or practicing chess all day or very specific or narrow domain knowledge.  This leads to wins and observable progress in the short-term.  It comes at the expense of the long-term though.  The opposite is interleaving.  Think concepts.  This is frustrating and often leads to frustration and lack of observable results.  This is stickier.  This kind of learning is harder, but objectively better.  This is strongly correlated with learning to do lots of things; it is related to gaining knowledge in multiple domains.  Most of the best athletes, musicians, other artists, and academics practice this kind of learning.

There's a lesson here.  Whether it's parenting, sabaq, hosting, school, work, or any of many other things, we might not be able see the payoff, but it's there.  That's maybe the point too.  We often can't see and just have to trust.

Taher, do the hard thing.