Model

This post is for me and Yusuf and Nooriya when they one day become parents inshallah.

This is a reminder that kids and babies won't "read the book".  People will give you advice on parenting.  People seem to love doing that.  There are plenty of books to teach parenting and influencers and no shortage of people telling you their often unsolicited tips.  It's sometimes annoying.  People are supposed to be annoying sometimes.  Remember, the kids are not the same as theirs or those kids in the books.  They may not respond the way "the book" says they should.  

It's more than just kids.  It's all people.  They will not respond the way they should or the way you expect sometimes.

That's ok.

Back to kids...they will be kids.  And they will always observe your example.  For good and bad, they will see and it will leave an impression.  There's a lot that you'll not be able to control.  More and more I'm learning.  I expect I'll learn more.  I hope I will.  All signs point to understanding that less stuff is in our control.  The thing you can control is your example.

It's ok to have emotions.  It's not ok to act out of them.  Especially anger.  Being angry is fine, but acting out of anger is never ok.  Moula has told us many times gusso ne maro.  This is as wise as it is simple.  Not easy though.  Moula wouldn't repeat it if it was.  Gusso ne maro is not a command to never get angry, rather it's loving advice to take a beat and not be controlled by it.

Taher, the kids aren't young anymore, but they're still watching.  Do the thing.

Discomfort

A while back I started taking cold showers sometimes.  It was very uncomfortable.  I wasn't trying to punish myself or anything.  I thought there might be some health benefits that might come at some point.  It stopped being so uncomfortable.  It became a chance to sit in discomfort and I looked forward to it.  Sorta.  It never became comfortable, but it did help me hone my ability to stay calm under stress.  It was hard and then it wasn't that hard.

I want to remember this.  

I've dealt with work stress for years.  I've written about work stress many times.  The same stress that I'm sure everyone feels.  Rationally I know, and my guess is so do most people, that it will pass and work is not something as high on the priority list as so many other things.  It's easy to "know" this, but it's so hard to remember this in the moment.  It's not easy to not get stressed out sometimes.  Still, I keep reminding myself to keep my priorities in order.

The other day, as so many days, work stresses came.  This time was different.  It was like I had a shield and the stress was blocked.  I didn't need to "remember".  It was just my reaction.

The way to this reaction was discomfort.  Just like the cold shower.  Discomfort for discomfort's sake.  It expands the comfort zone.

My point is that stuff is hard, but then it's not.  Let this guy remind me to do it anyway.  Taher, it's hard and do not only despite it being hard, but also sometimes because it's hard.

Search

Istafada is over. I’m on the way home and thinking about the past week. It’s not been that long, but I’m ready to go home and do more to learn more. 

My “cup” is full. It won’t get emptied so I can come back next year. It’ll get bigger. And then it’ll get filled again. This beautiful cycle will. 

I no longer feel frustrated when I hear something like aenda bayan awse inshallah. Rather, I feel excited. 

I’m leaving knowing that the truth is not somewhere in the distance. It never was. I’m searching for it and know where to look. 

Taher, the search is the point. 

Speed

Thamakun si. There’s a lot of meaning to these words that I’m realizing. 

Speed makes such a difference. Such a difference here in Surat, such a difference in life, such a difference on earth. Sabr is the right speed. This means slow almost all the time. Not fast. 

Going fast is not an option anymore. Alhamdolillah. Going slow doesn’t have to be the default though. It can be a choice. You get where you’re going when you get there and you get what you get when you get there. 

Taher, do what you can do. Get there slowly. 

Smile

Something I learned a long time ago is at the forefront of my mind. “Hasto chero mohabat nu jaal che” or a smiling face is love’s web. 

This means a lot. Love is a trap. 

A genuine smile is more than moving some muscles in your face though. A smile is borne from the soul and borne from love. It just manifests on your face sometimes. 

Taher, it only takes one thing. A person may share something or go through something. It might be appropriate to say something. It might not. It may be appropriate to smile with your face. It usually is. Sometimes it may not be though. It is always appropriate to smile with your soul.  

The other person will “see”. Trust. One hundred percent they will. 

Perhaps trap isn’t the right word. You want to get stuck in this.  

Taher, smile more. 

More

I love istafada for so many reasons. I learn and I gain an impression (asar) throughout. What amazes me is that so does everyone else. 

It doesn’t matter who it is. I sat next to a khidmat guzar who does khidmat full time. He left day one with a similar asar. On my other side, there was an old guy who was maybe 75. He seemed to get the same. 

We’re all different places. I get that both rationally and subconsciously. 

I always knew there were layers. I’m learning more than ever. What is very apparent for me this year is that if you do more you learn more. And if you learn more you do more. It’s a beautiful cycle. 

I’m also realizing that this doesn’t necessarily happen at the same time. 

Taher, do more now and you’ll learn more at some point. 

Meant to

Another istafada I’m really looking forward to. I love the idea of so many adults gathering to learn. 

I got to watch another of my favorite movies in the plane on the way. There was another gem I didn’t really catch before. One character says to another, “We are meant to do what we are meant to do”. 

This primes my brain to accept more easily what I’m about to learn. The quote deals with choice and fate. It’s not posed as an either or. Both coexist. It’s not circular. It doesn’t have to make sense to me. 

Part of the deal with sabaq and more generally in life - you get what you get. Samjo tho samjo, na samjo tho na samjo. The more I learn, the more wisdom I see in moula’s words. 

I don’t know how to square the movie quote. It doesn’t matter though. 

Taher, keep your mind open and do it. You’re meant to. It’s your choice and it’s your naseeb.

Buzurgo

Yesterday, we finally had some older folks over.  These folks are a decent amount older.  They're peers and friends of my parents.  I'd been mulling it over for a while and we finally made it happen.  We see them a lot at masjid, but hardly ever in social situations.

It started out as I wanna do this for our parents.  I just want to have them hang out with their friends and we'll provide some food, chai, and a comfortable place to hangout.  I like these elders and I have more than 10 second conversations with them at masjid.

It was just what I was hoping for.  My parents and their friends hung out and reminisced about the many experiences they'd had together for many years.  That warmed my heart.

It was more though.  I was thinking about the one couple in particular.  Throughout my childhood I was probably over at their house hundreds of times.  I remember doing something dumb at their house and needing stitches.  I didn't give it a thought until just now, but I probably made a bloody mess at their house and basically forcing an impromptu sleepover.  I didn't even realize it, but I probably ruined whatever he had planned for Saturday.  

I'm a parent and I wouldn't be too put out if I had to take care of one of Yusuf's or Nooriya's friends in the same way.  I'm in this odd stage of parenting though where sometimes I'm Yusuf and Nooriya's dad.  That's going to be the case more and it's going to take some getting used to.  For a long time, they were almost exclusively Taher and Zahra's kids.

This was the first time these older folks came to our house.  This get together crossed a threshold.  Zahra and I were no longer our parents kids only to them.  We'll always be that and I will always be happy about that.  We seemed to be something else now.  Not their peers, but also not just their friend's kids.

I'm so lucky that Zahra is who she is.  She had this way of engaging with them that really solidified this transition.  The get together wasn't for us, but at the same time it was great for us.  It made us feel good.  I look forward to when our friends don't just see Yusuf and Nooriya as Taher and Zahra's kids.

Taher, do the thing that benefits someone else.  It will likely benefit you as well and you just don't see it yet.