Niyyat

It’s not possible to meet our niyyat often, but there seems to be a lot of good in the trying. The waaz made clear how important niyyat is. 

“

 نِيةُ المُؤمِنِ ابلغُ مِن عَملِه
“A Mumin’s niyyat (intention) is farther reaching than his conduct.”

”

Our intentions give us something to aspire to. We won’t be perfect. We weren’t meant to be. I think that’s it though. When we inevitably aren’t perfect that’s a chance to grow.

Other people’s niyyat is almost never bad. They will at times be annoying. They will at times be irritating. They’ll almost never do it on purpose. 

Taher, smile and remind people of your niyyat. 

Character

I knew the first waaz would be awesome. I learned something that will shift my behavior even before the waaz started. It was repeating behavior for people visiting London. When I first read rules like cross at the cross walk, mind personal space, and let people off the train before you get on, I thought this isn’t for me.

Before the waaz started, some repeated some manners that I was just more ready to internalize. They said if you see someone in need help them. If you see an old person make space. It doesn’t matter if they’re mumin or not. Moula taught you ikhlass or manners. We represent each other. It matters how we behave.

Whoever had the microphone proceeded to say eh logo ne dua kaam lagse. Their dua will benefit us someday and somehow. Moula is also saying behaving well is for us. 

Moula told us in his first bayan to feed the person if they’re wearing fancy clothes or if they’re wearing plain clothes. It doesn’t matter. You never know. There are so many layers to his bayan. One I think is just do the good thing. 

Taher, have the best character you can. It benefits you. 

Decision

I feel good about the decisions I made today. There was a fair amount of FOMO and I really wanted to take advantage of being with all this family today. 

They were all three tough decisions. First was to stay in bed. Getting up early is so natural to me and I knew that breakfast would be so nice. Breakfast with everyone is one of my favorite things about Ashara. Second, was to not go out with everyone in the afternoon. I knew it would be fun. Third was to not go to dinner.  It was already late when it started. 

These each were difficult decisions to make. Put them back-to-back on the same day and it was incredibly difficult. 

The why is so important. Tomorrow is a big day. Waaz starts tomorrow. In each case, it was do the natural and/or fun thing. The consequence is that I would be possibly less attentive in the waaz. Each decision felt like an imtehan. I feel good about how I fared. When framed that way, it was so much easier to make what I know was the right decision for me. 

Taher, frame the situation so that it makes it easier to make the right decision. You often can’t see the reward and it usually comes later. 

Show up

Mom used to tell Zahra to notice the people who were there and not notice the people who weren't.  Zahra shared this wisdom with the kids and me.

Sometimes people will do what they "should" and sometimes they won't.  It'll be disappointing when they don't.  They will always do what they're supposed to do though.

Just as often, perhaps, people will pleasantly surprise you.  It's up to us to notice I guess.  To notice who is there rather than who isn't.

It's such simple and wise sikhaman.  It can be distilled down to see the good and ignore the bad.

Taher, show up and notice who is there.

Cup

There's a great story I want to remember to understand about the importance of being open-minded.  It's a good reminder that learning is forever.

A man seeks guidance, but he just talks and talks.  He explains his question and the context and doesn't stop talking.  The man he seeks guidance from doesn't get irritated.  Instead he makes them tea and fills the other man's cup.  He fills it to the top and then keeps on pouring.  The tea spills.

The man finally stops talking and exclaims about the tea.

The tea is just a demonstration.  The other man explains that your proverbial cup is full.  You need to empty it to allow other stuff to come in.

Your brain is not like your heart I think.  It doesn't just magically grow the way our hearts seem to in order to let more stuff in.  In order to grow, it's necessary to be open.

Taher, remember to make room in your "cup".

Shoes

In a bayan, Moula was making a point.  He was saying be yourself.  Whatever the situation be proud.  Then, as he always seems to, he shared more wisdom with us.  He asked why not take your shoes off in a restaurant. 

He wasn't telling us to take our shoes off.  It wasn't a Farman.  He was simply asking why not do that.

I don't think of myself as smart.  I'm smart enough to listen to Moula even when I don't understand though.  I stopped wearing shoes when I ate from that day.  

That was years ago.  Today I just understood a fraction of the wisdom he shared.  It was something he didn't say in his bayan or at least I didn't catch it.  It was something I learned only by experiencing.  

I was driving and thirsty. My water was within reach. But I had my shoes on. I wanted to have the water, but it didn’t feel right. I wanted to multitask. 

It dawned on me, part of the wisdom of taking your shoes off is just doing the thing. Don’t multitask. I later got seated and I had the water. It was that much better. 

Taher, take your “shoes” off. JUST do the thing. 

Haircut

Yesterday, Yusuf went for a haircut like he's done many times before.  His usual didn't work out so he went to a new place.  He got there and saw the sign that read "cash only".  He didn't have any.  He told the barber I live nearby and I'll be back in ten minutes with some cash.  They said no, no you're here and just get it afterwards.  

They didn't have any of his info.  They just trusted him.

He was pleasantly surprised and agreed.  Mid-haircut another patron said, "don't worry about it kid".  He paid for Yusuf.  He left a nice tip and left.  The man left no info.  Yusuf didn't have a chance then or a way later to even say thank you.

Yusuf was astounded by these couple events.  He was so excited that he called on the way home to tell us.  And he repeated this story two times in the next hour.  

The first person trusted him and the second person did something nice with not so much as a "thank you" in return.  They did small things and they made someone feel so good.  The first was just good business and the barber was rewarded immediately with a nice tip and now gained a repeat customer.  The second person did something small and probably made two people really happy.  

The cool thing is the man who paid also felt good.  It's quite established in science and medicine.  It's called the helper's high.  He most likely made three people happy.  No doubt it'll get paid forward.

Taher, you don't have to go around paying for peoples' haircuts. But look for those opportunities to be like these two people.  They have no idea how happy and excited they made Yusuf.  It was good business and a good way to treat people.  They made themselves happier in the process too. 

Character

So much of my actuarial training and experience have been about looking at past events. It was frequently in the flavor of the past indicates the future.

This is true sometimes. It’s more true in some situations and less true in others. This line of thinking can be expanded and generalized to fit most everything. 

It doesn’t consider luck though.

The corollary thinking follows that where someone is will indicate where they will be. This doesn’t consider luck either. 

A better predictor is character or adab or ikhlas. This 100% correlates with success. The thing is we just can’t see or understand how it correlates to success, but it does.  And “luck” doesn’t play a part. 

Taher, always choose adab. 

Raft

I heard this Buddhist parable and thought it was worth writing down.

A man has to cross a jungle.   He comes across a river.  There is no bridge.  The river is to deep to walk through.  The river is not safe to swim across. He spends time to build a raft.  He crosses the river and continues to cross the jungle.  This time, he carries the raft.  It gets in his way constantly and prevents him from crossing the rest of the jungle.  He realizes he needs to put the raft down.

It immediately made me think about parenting.  Yusuf and Nooriya have changed so much these past few years and inshallah they will continue to.  That's what they're supposed to do.  I have pictures of them as toddlers and little kids covering my office.  I look at them all the time.  It makes me happy, but they aren't those people anymore.  I'll be a better parent to remember that.  I'm in a different stage of parenting now.

I've spent so much time building a "raft".  This story applies to so much in life.  It applies to parenting, work, family situations, ability to use my body, and even friendships.  

Taher, sometimes you need to put the "raft" down.  What got you here may not be what gets you there.

Elevation

When a big change happens to us it creates a lasting change within us. Big changes are going to happen.  I've had a few.  Some expected and some not.  They were big though and not all good.  I guess the lasting change is optional.  Big change is an opportunity.

It's an opportunity to make a change that inspires others.  There's actually a phrase for it and there's been some research.  It's called moral beauty or moral elevation. People see whatever positive they see and are inspired.  It's a lesson to consume the positive and perhaps less consumption of the negative.  We're told to avoid back-biting.  This, I think, is part of why.

Doing inspiring stuff is also a form of ibadaat.  When people see moral beauty the experience of awe and beauty is heightened both for the doer and the seer.

Taher, it doesn't have to be big to inspire.  Pay it forward.   Taher, do the small things and the big things.  This is how you pay it forward.

Choices

I'd heard an interview this week and the guest put something into words that I'd thought about, but never been able to put into words so eloquently.  He described his experience in lockdown as being "trapped with his choices".

Everyone experienced lockdown.  For me and many I imagine, it was like groundhog day.  There was no escape.  There was no 'break'.  COVID was objectively awful for a lot of people.  I wasn't one of them.  I was lucky or whatever the right word is.  I had a lot of time to think just like everyone else.  Among other things, I thought about priorities and why I wasn't miserable.  So many people seemed to be.  I remember writing about liking my roommates a month in.

I liked the choices I had made.  I wasn't deliberate in my choices necessarily, but I was trapped with so many of them.  Those choices stemmed from priorities I decided along time ago and priorities I refined over the years.  The choices weren't conscious, but I frequently looked at my priorities.

The world opened and things went back to some kind of normal.  I guess it was easy to fall into old patterns.  I don't think I did though.  I didn't realize it.  I am on a path.  It's subconscious, but I don't think that experience of being trapped with my choices ever left me.

Taher, make choices you'll be proud of later.  Taher, remember your priorities.

Puddle

Duniya sucks.  That's not new.  Crappy things are bound to happen.

Yusuf and Nooriya are inspiring this post.  They both had less than ideal sports experiences.  Their reactions were great though.  They both reacted in ways that demonstrated a lot of leadership and in different ways.  They set a good example.  I learned something.

This is of course broader than their sport thing.  The responses were both growth to be better and to see the less than ideal as a bump rather than the whole thing.  They were passionate too.

Another way to articulate this is their perspective was a bit broader.  They didn't seem to just observe the particular low as the only thing.  Rather they seemed to see it as part of the journey.

It makes me think of a puddle.  A puddle is often pretty boring, gross, and something to be avoided.  There's often something there.  A reflection or a plant or a tree that will spring from it.  Something better comes.  It's hard to see. It's there.  There's beauty there and everywhere.  And not just on vacation.  I still remember noticing the flowers in the gutter in Bangkok and people just walking by.  It takes practice to see.  It takes eyes that have been developed to see the beauty in a puddle.

Taher, train your eyes to see.

Tomorrow

We were doing some planning and trying to be prepared about something so practical when dad said, “we’ll worry about tomorrow tomorrow”. It wasn’t some big philosophical statement he was making. It was just his attitude. Wisdom is an attitude. It is his earned way of moving through the world. 

Dad happened to be wearing his Wisconsin hat at the time. It’s just a “W”. I realized then it stands for wise when he wears it. It’s not a hat you can buy at the store. It has to be earned. 

I can see and hear so much more clearly when I’m not at home. If more routine stuff had been going on I would have missed this. There’s so much to learn all around. 

Taher, you don’t need to be away from home. Just listen closely and earn it. 

Miracle

It is a choice to see everything as a miracle.  It's not hard to get there.  Think of anything; it's a miracle.  Literally everything is a miracle.

This passage from my math book many years ago that caught my eye I think articulates this thought process well.  I got a "random hug" that day I still remember.  

---
A person walks past a wall with seemingly random holes in the wall and thinks nothing of it.  Another person comes by and draws a target around each hole with each hole as a perfect bulls-eye and then marvels at the wall.
---

It's about randomness and perspective.  The perspective is something we choose.  We can choose awe.  I've recently thought about this choice as a muscle.  The more it gets exercised the stronger it gets.  And in turn the easier it gets to use.

We've heard the shahadat many times.  There is one part I focused on the other day.  Moula sits near the end without worry.  He trusts 100%.  Nothing is random.  This is the ultimate example.  The more that muscle gets exercised the closer we get to thinking nothing is random and trusting 100%.  We get closer every single time we hear the shahadat. 

Taher, how much closer is up to you.

Qablas Sawal

We do this dua to break our rozu every day in Ramadan.  It's probably automatic for most and I think we rarely listen.  There is one part I want to hear and think about every time.  In the dua towards the end and when the rozu is almost over we hear "Qablas Sawal".

Literally, this means before asking.

Like all of the stuff Moula does, there's a lot of meaning here.

What's in our naseeb or what's been fated we didn't ask for.  It was just given to us.  We may do stuff that can affect our naseeb, but every person's naseeb is their naseeb.  We didn't ask.   All that happiness, all that circumstance, all that opportunity, all that health, everything.  It was just given to us.  It's foolish to think we earned or deserve any of it.  It's not even because we prayed for it.  Not in a way we can understand anyway.

There's a much bigger conclusion.  We were born into this situation and given this opportunity to be in the right place at the right time.  Without asking.

Taher, remember the bigger picture and think about "Qablas Sawal" every time you hear it.

Composure

There's going to be highs and lows by definition.  It's natural to want to stay in the high and avoid the low.  This seems like a losing strategy though.  Highs will happen and they'll be great.  There'll be anticipation and a rush.  It'll be natural to want to stay there.  There will be lows too.  Perhaps much more later in life.  Life is maybe designed to be that way.  The lows will suck.  It'll be natural to want to avoid them.

Life is going to be a rollercoaster.  No doubt about it.  Rollercoasters have highs and lows too.  They also have these in between moments.  This is where we live most of the time.  A better strategy is probably to try and make these in between moments longer and better.  We have the ability to change our set point.

Another analogy which I want to remember is that of a see saw.  If you do it "right" you'll be in the middle a lot.  Equanimity will keep you there.

The best strategy seems to be focus on the middle and spend less time at the extremes.  As backwards as it sounds, the best thing seems to be feel the high for a short time; don't eliminate it or avoid it😅.  Also, be in the low for a short time; don't try to eliminate it or avoid it either😅. 

Taher, focus on the middle.

Karbala

One of my very recent posts was about Karbala.  I think I'm beginning to understand the limitlessness of this place and its significance.  More likely, I still have no idea 😁

My dad did something related to Karbala, but he probably won't tell anyone.  I want to brag about it though.  I want to remember 😁 because it is cool and inspiring!

Several months ago dad bought some raffle tickets to support a toloba fundraiser.  The grand prize was a ticket to Karbala.  I doubt dad cared about the prize.  A short time after, he won the prize.  Before we could even wish him mubarak, he found someone who hadn't gone and gave it to them.  Wow!  His first impulse was to pay it forward.

Fast forward to this past weekend...the guy who doesn't come very often found dad and thanked him.  He had gone with his family to Karbala with Moula!  Wow!

Taher, donate it!  Taher, give it!

Martian

As I was on the treadmill this past week, I rewatched the Martian.  It's a fun watch.  The basic idea is that the main character gets stranded for about 2 years on Mars.  For that time, he is the only person on the planet.  Everything he does in service of surviving.  In other words, he does only what's important. He has no distractions and he does nothing other than what is totally necessary.  There's no phone, no tv, no nothing.  He eventually makes it back to Earth.

There is a really cool scene at the end.  He is just sitting on a bench and enjoying some coffee and not doing anything else.  It seems clear that he is engrossed in his drink and what he can see.  He notices a small plant growing out of the ground.  He is even contrasted with people running past.  He has this learned stillness.  The actor does a great job of getting this across.

It's a stillness a person just learns if they've been alone for 2 years.  Does it take 2 years?  Does it take 6 months?  Does it take an hour?  It's something we can learn I think.  Being still is active.  It just takes practice.  We don't have to go so fast.  In fact, slow is almost always better.

The practice part is the hard part.  That's the cold water wuzu at fajr.  The more I practice the more it is apparent that it is written.  Just trust.  What's coming will come.  There are very few things in life that require immediateness.

Taher, be still.  It can probably wait.

Acceptance

I have written about acceptance before. I didn’t really get it then. I do now. Very likely in some years I’ll wonder why I thought that 😅 It was pre COVID and the world hadn’t changed yet.  An injury then made what I’m dealing with more real and that forced me to think. 

The family had gone to Karbala when the world was just opening up in 2021. It was a big lift financially, with the kids at that age, time off from work, and all the usual excuses. Plus COVID! I did it despite and that gave me a new perspective. 

It has been several years and I feel like just now I am seeing a layer of clarity that was never there before. It’s difficult to see the long-term. Our brains don’t think that way. 

I think the path started long ago. However, I can now point to one thing that seemed to be a point of acceleration for the family and me. Rationally, I knew that trip would be good for the family. I didn’t and probably don’t understand how great it would be. 

Things since then have been fantastic on so many fronts. I’ve come to accept things so much more and I’m quite sure it’s made the whole family happier. I’m certain it’s made me happier.  I can trace back so much to that trip. The asar (impression) is massive. 

This is very specific to this trip, but I think the message is much broader and clear. 

Taher, do the hard and good thing. The rewards may not be apparent for years. 

Slack

This year in Ramadan I want to focus on two things.   

The other day I overslept for fajr. It’s the first time in many years I missed doing fajr on time. There are few things that can ruin my day like missing namaz as is probably right.

Fortunately, I got to see and hear Zahra a short time later and my day wasn’t ruined. If I’m honest, missing fajr would have probably ruined my week if not for Zahra.

I have thought about this for a a few days. Once, I learned in sabaq that we can be forgiven for the SAME mistake 1,000 times a day. All we have to do is ask for forgiveness. Astagfirullah. That’s it. We can mess up 1,000 times a day.  Khuda knew we’d mess up all the time every day. Part of his perfect plan is that we would mess up. 

We are supposed to ask. 

Taher, don’t beat yourself up for making mistakes. You were made to mess up. It’s fundamental. 

Care

Every year in Ramadan I like to focus on something.  It's a great opportunity to think clearly about something every single day for a month.  I love this month.  Not taking advantage of this opportunity is a waste.

This year I want to think about caring every day.  Recently, I stopped caring about work.  It's not that I stopped doing work, just my attitude shifted.  I guess I've put more faith into things happening the way they should and probably worrying less about the details.  It has made work so much better.  I'm happier. I work less and produce higher quality work.  I'm less busy though.

I've put my energy into caring more about the things I rationally know to be worth caring about.  This reallocation of my energy has been amazing.  I want to think about this every day in Ramadan and solidify this thinking.

Taher, everything will happen as it should.  Accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can.  Try to have the wisdom to know the difference.  There's not much you can change.

Socks

I have this picture from early 2021 as my screensaver.  I don't think I'm ever going to change it.  Mom is in it🩷  It's a great picture and a professional portrait.  I love this picture.  Everyone is smiling and looking at the camera. I remember being very happy this February night.  It was frigid outside and we were nice and warm and together inside.

Everyone is matching in blue thanks to Zahra.  Even the buttons Yusuf and I are wearing coordinate.  All Zahra 👍💓  Every detail was considered.

Seeing Mom and Dad make me happy every time.  They are smiling genuine smiles.  Dad wore what he was told down to the coordinating mahki on his kurta saya.  His socks don't match though.  In his defense, no one told him to have matching socks😁.

This reminds me to focus on what's important.  He is genuinely happy to be there.  It shows and his socks don't matter.

I see this picture almost every day.  I can't not see the socks and I have to think about what's important.

Kintsugi

This is beautiful and deep. When something isn’t right we often have the instinct to excise or eliminate or do away with the broken and bad. Kintsugi is the art of repairing broken pottery. “Art” is very deliberately used it seems. 

The broken and the bad is what makes it beautiful. This is what makes it deep. The pottery gets more valuable. It’s like wisdom. It’s earned. 

It’s part of a larger and really cool philosophy.  I’m just scratching the surface. It’s called wabi sabi. It’s about finding beauty in the impermanent and the imperfect. So simple, yet so difficult and wise. 

There’s so much here to think about and take away.  The bad stuff leads to good stuff eventually. The difficult and beautiful part is accepting it. 

Taher, bad shit is going to happen. Not only bad stuff, but also not ideal stuff. Think astagfirullah and think of Kintsugi. Bad stuff will eventually lead to good stuff.