Mason

There's a good story about service mindset that I want to reread.  The story came up in a work context, but it applies much more broadly.

The story is about three masons who do exactly the same job.  Their mindsets are clearly different though.

Each mason was asked what it is they do.

The first said simply that they laid brick.  The second said that they laid brick to build a wall.  The third said that they laid brick to build a wall around the most beautiful cathedral.  

Clearly, the third mason has the best mindset.  It's not only that he does his work with a higher purpose.  He has the most service mindset.  He's doing his work in service of something bigger and he sees the work itself as service.  This khidmat mindset is what gives the work purpose.

Taher, have a khidmat mindset and be the third mason.

Model

This post is for Yusuf and Nooriya when they one day become parents inshallah and for me. 

This is a reminder that kids and babies won't "read the book".  People will give you advice on parenting.  People seem to love doing that.  There are plenty of books to teach parenting and influencers and no shortage of people telling you their often unsolicited tips.  It's sometimes annoying.  People are supposed to be annoying sometimes.  Remember, the kids are not the same as theirs or those kids in the books.  They may not respond the way "the book" says they should.  

It's more than just kids.  It's all people.  They will not respond the way they should or the way you expect sometimes.

That's ok.

Back to kids...they will be kids.  And they will always observe your example.  For good and bad, they will see and it will leave an impression.  There's a lot that you'll not be able to control.  More and more I'm learning.  I expect I'll learn more.  I hope I will.  All signs point to understanding that less stuff is in our control.  The thing you can control is your example.

It's ok to have emotions.  It's not ok to act out of them.  Especially anger.  Being angry is fine, but acting out of anger is never ok.  Moula has told us many times gusso ne maro.  This is as wise as it is simple.  Not easy though.  Moula wouldn't repeat it if it was.  Gusso ne maro is not a command to never get angry, rather it's loving advice to take a beat and not be controlled by it.

Taher, the kids aren't young anymore, but they're still watching.  Do the thing.

Discomfort

A while back I started taking cold showers sometimes.  It was very uncomfortable.  I wasn't trying to punish myself or anything.  I thought there might be some health benefits that might come at some point.  It stopped being so uncomfortable.  It became a chance to sit in discomfort and I looked forward to it.  Sorta.  It never became comfortable, but it did help me hone my ability to stay calm under stress.  It was hard and then it wasn't that hard.

I want to remember this.  

I've dealt with work stress for years.  I've written about work stress many times.  The same stress that I'm sure everyone feels.  Rationally I know, and my guess is so do most people, that it will pass and work is not something as high on the priority list as so many other things.  It's easy to "know" this, but it's so hard to remember this in the moment.  It's not easy to not get stressed out sometimes.  Still, I keep reminding myself to keep my priorities in order.

The other day, as so many days, work stresses came.  This time was different.  It was like I had a shield and the stress was blocked.  I didn't need to "remember".  It was just my reaction.

The way to this reaction was discomfort.  Just like the cold shower.  Discomfort for discomfort's sake.  It expands the comfort zone.

My point is that stuff is hard, but then it's not.  Let this guy remind me to do it anyway.  Taher, it's hard and do it not only despite it being hard, but also sometimes because it's hard.

Search

Istafada is over. I’m on the way home and thinking about the past week. It’s not been that long, but I’m ready to go home and do more to learn more. 

My “cup” is full. It won’t get emptied so I can come back next year. It’ll get bigger. And then it’ll get filled again. This beautiful cycle will. 

I no longer feel frustrated when I hear something like aenda bayan awse inshallah. Rather, I feel excited. 

I’m leaving knowing that the truth is not somewhere in the distance. It never was. I’m searching for it and know where to look. 

Taher, the search is the point. 

Speed

Thamakun si. There’s a lot of meaning to these words that I’m realizing. 

Speed makes such a difference. Such a difference here in Surat, such a difference in life, such a difference on earth. Sabr is the right speed. This means slow almost all the time. Not fast. 

Going fast is not an option anymore. Alhamdolillah. Going slow doesn’t have to be the default though. It can be a choice. You get where you’re going when you get there and you get what you get when you get there. 

Taher, do what you can do. Get there slowly. 

Smile

Something I learned a long time ago is at the forefront of my mind. “Hasto chero mohabat nu jaal che” or a smiling face is love’s web. 

This means a lot. Love is a trap. 

A genuine smile is more than moving some muscles in your face though. A smile is borne from the soul and borne from love. It just manifests on your face sometimes. 

Taher, it only takes one thing. A person may share something or go through something. It might be appropriate to say something. It might not. It may be appropriate to smile with your face. It usually is. Sometimes it may not be though. It is always appropriate to smile with your soul.  

The other person will “see”. Trust. One hundred percent they will. 

Perhaps trap isn’t the right word. You want to get stuck in this.  

Taher, smile more. 

More

I love istafada for so many reasons. I learn and I gain an impression (asar) throughout. What amazes me is that so does everyone else. 

It doesn’t matter who it is. I sat next to a khidmat guzar who does khidmat full time. He left day one with a similar asar. On my other side, there was an old guy who was maybe 75. He seemed to get the same. 

We’re all different places. I get that both rationally and subconsciously. 

I always knew there were layers. I’m learning more than ever. What is very apparent for me this year is that if you do more you learn more. And if you learn more you do more. It’s a beautiful cycle. 

I’m also realizing that this doesn’t necessarily happen at the same time. 

Taher, do more now and you’ll learn more at some point. 

Meant to

Another istafada I’m really looking forward to. I love the idea of so many adults gathering to learn. 

I got to watch another of my favorite movies in the plane on the way. There was another gem I didn’t really catch before. One character says to another, “We are meant to do what we are meant to do”. 

This primes my brain to accept more easily what I’m about to learn. The quote deals with choice and fate. It’s not posed as an either or. Both coexist. It’s not circular. It doesn’t have to make sense to me. 

Part of the deal with sabaq and more generally in life - you get what you get. Samjo tho samjo, na samjo tho na samjo. The more I learn, the more wisdom I see in moula’s words. 

I don’t know how to square the movie quote. It doesn’t matter though. 

Taher, keep your mind open and do it. You’re meant to. It’s your choice and it’s your naseeb.

Buzurgo

Yesterday, we finally had some older folks over.  These folks are a decent amount older.  They're peers and friends of my parents.  I'd been mulling it over for a while and we finally made it happen.  We see them a lot at masjid, but hardly ever in social situations.

It started out as I wanna do this for our parents.  I just want to have them hang out with their friends and we'll provide some food, chai, and a comfortable place to hangout.  I like these elders and I have more than 10 second conversations with them at masjid.

It was just what I was hoping for.  My parents and their friends hung out and reminisced about the many experiences they'd had together for many years.  That warmed my heart.

It was more though.  I was thinking about the one couple in particular.  Throughout my childhood I was probably over at their house hundreds of times.  I remember doing something dumb at their house and needing stitches.  I didn't give it a thought until just now, but I probably made a bloody mess at their house and basically forcing an impromptu sleepover.  I didn't even realize it, but I probably ruined whatever he had planned for Saturday.  

I'm a parent and I wouldn't be too put out if I had to take care of one of Yusuf's or Nooriya's friends in the same way.  I'm in this odd stage of parenting though where sometimes I'm Yusuf and Nooriya's dad.  That's going to be the case more and it's going to take some getting used to.  For a long time, they were almost exclusively Taher and Zahra's kids.

This was the first time these older folks came to our house.  This get together crossed a threshold.  Zahra and I were no longer our parents kids only to them.  We'll always be that and I will always be happy about that.  We seemed to be something else now.  Not their peers, but also not just their friend's kids.

I'm so lucky that Zahra is who she is.  She had this way of engaging with them that really solidified this transition.  The get together wasn't for us, but at the same time it was great for us.  It made us feel good.  I look forward to when our friends don't just see Yusuf and Nooriya as Taher and Zahra's kids.

Taher, do the thing that benefits someone else.  It will likely benefit you as well and you just don't see it yet.

Don't Hesitate

I read this awesome poem.  Don't hesitate was my main takeaway.  Joy is all around us.  Not just on vacation.

The other day I was at a friends house and some kids were playing and laughing with pure joy.  I was listening and felt like I was eavesdropping.  That's stupid; it's not.  I thought about this poem at that moment.  It's up to me to recognize it and accept it.  It was awesome.  I should feel joy or at least a fraction of what these kids were probably feeling.

Here's that poem

"If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and not very often kind. And much can never be redeemed. Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this is its way of fighting back, that sometimes something happens better than all the riches or power in the world. It could be anything, but very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb."

Taher, don't hesitate.

Walk

Forgiveness is something to think about for me.  It registers for me as a conscious thought, but it's harder when there's emotion involved.  I want to remember what Moula teaches us.  Just forgive.   Sometimes it's hard, but it's always for us.

A wise person said there's some evil in the best of us and some good in the worst of us.  All humans have good in common.  Think about that.

Something I've been reading that I want to write down is how bad our phones can be for us.  They distract us from real life around us.  Importantly, it distracts us from the awe around us.

A passage from the book about lack of awe leading to anxiety really caught my attention.  An experiment had people take a screen free walk once a day.  One of the participants wrote, "Experience of beauty made me more generous and present.  Thoughts of the past seemed dull and to worry about the future felt unnecessary."

Taher, put down the phone.  Take a walk and think.

Guaranteed

There's no reason to rush.  I'm in the midst of being bogged down by tasks and to-dos.  I'm finally taking a moment this week to STOP doing stuff.  It has been a week full of work and tasks.  Even the stuff that seems like it should be a break isn't because I'm thinking of the next thing and trying to get through it.  That's dumb.  Enjoy the thing then do the next thing.  Remember Taher that they are get-to-dos.

There's always something competing for our attention.  Moula never wants us to rush.  There's always something to rush to like a task or a chore so that I can relax.  Again, that's dumb.  In economics terms, there's always an opportunity cost.  Always.  Afterall, the hurry is rushing from something.  Just stop to ask, what am I rushing from?  

There is no guarantee of time.  This is easy to say and easy to understand, but hard to internalize.  A favorite movie of mine has a line that is stuck in my brain.  It is so wise when I think about it.  "No amount of money ever bought a second of time."

Taher, do the thing because there is no guarantee.

Scenic Route

Work is busier than I'd like.  This has happened before and it'll happen again.  I'm sure that it's a common experience.

I had the chance to go harvest some stuff and eat it for lunch.  It was so satisfying.  My garden is literally bearing fruit.  Well vegetables, so not literally I guess.  It put work into focus for me.  I'm taking a break and not doing any.

I was reading a book that made an analogy that people were walking on a path.  I didn't get it then, but I do now.  I love gardening:)  I remember listening to this beautiful song about walking on a trail.  The people and the views changed along the way and the grass grew tall behind.  We're all walking on a path.  The view will change.  

The thing that I got today is that the trail goes to the same place for everyone. We just don't know when we'll get there.

Taher, take the scenic route.  The views are better.

Hiking

It's more often that I just sit and observe these days.  It's sometimes harder to sit and be still.  If I'm honest, sometimes it's easier to sit and not do the thing.  

I love being in nature.  I love just sitting and appreciating it.  Sometimes just sitting is the way to do that.  Sometimes it isn't though.

Hiking isn't nearly as easy for me as it used to be.  It's just not my thing anymore and that's fine.  Yesterday though, I went on a hike here in the Smoky Mountains.  It was hard.  I tried it anyway.  It was beautiful.  It was worth it.  Not because it was beautiful though.

I needed help, but I've accepted that I need help for things.  Yusuf was helping me.  He was going at my pace and was so aware of what I needed.  It was almost magical that he was anticipating what I needed.  I can't even articulate what I need.  I was feeling so proud.

This is the thing that made it most worth it though.  Just as I was thinking to myself how proud I was, he said, "Abba, I'm proud of you.  I know this is hard for you and you're doing it.  I'm so lucky to have an abba like that".  Wow.

Taher, do the hard thing.  The kids are still watching.

Know

They usually know. And they’re doing exactly what they’re supposed to be doing. 

It’s easy to criticize. Often, I criticize those closest to me. It almost doesn’t make sense. I don’t want to enumerate anything because it’s embarrassing. I know though.

It’s easy to be critical. And fool yourself into thinking you’re being helpful. That person needs to be more active for their own health. It’s easy to think, let me tell them to exercise or let me get them something that’ll make it easier for them to be active. It’s kinda insulting; it can easily assume they’ve never thought of that. Doing that can add a pressure. That isn’t the intention, but it happens. 

They probably know already. Cut them slack instead of being “helpful”. Go with them. Be part of whatever it is. Assume they know.  Otherwise, it may not be helpful even if that’s the intent. Niyat matters a lot, but it’s not everything. 

Taher, choose when you criticize. They probably already know. 

Hasad

We see the screen and we see how lucky some people are. Sometimes Moula stops to touch someone and sometimes he stops to talk to someone. Naseebdar!

We are lucky to see. Our reaction (not response ) needs to be automatic and immediate. Alhamdolillah!  Great for that person. 

It happens all the time. I’ll see someone with a nice this or that, or someone commanding lots of attention, or having anything. My first and only thought should be -Alhamdolillah! Great for that person. 

Moula told us Hasad is the worst bimari.  Moula said khuda gave us hands, feet, a mouth, and most importantly iman. Then he asked biju su joweche?

We don’t look at someone with less and think - why can’t I have that. Khuda koi ne aape koi ne na aape. Khuda gives to some and khuda doesn’t give to some. Samjo to samjo, na samjo to na samjo. Understand if you understand, don’t understand if you don’t understand. 

This is my favorite ayat once I learned the meaning. It repeats over and over. It is the most often occurring.

 فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ 

It isn’t a translation, but this ayat basically means - what else do you want?

Taher, you don’t need anything else. You already have all you need. 

Slow

Many mornings the kids are rushing around to get all the things they need for school. It bugs me that it’s not relaxed, but I remind myself they need to get that mental place in their own time. 

It is better to go slow. It is better to leave a margin for what’s important.

Zahra and I have this running joke that’s only kind of a joke. Namaz won’t be for 20-30 minutes and I’ll stop what I’m doing with her or naturally end the conversation and leave saying “it’s namaz time”. 

Moula says to pretty much do everything thamakun si, relaxed. He also says aram si roo ane kush haal si zindigi guzaro. Live comfortably/peacefully/slowly and happily. These are not separate and certainly not in conflict. Live slowly so that you can be happy AND live happily so that you can live slowly. They are intertwined. 

Moula never wants us to rush. If it takes 5 minutes, take 7. Be happy. Be slow. As Moula has told us, it takes discipline and focus. 

Taher, be the early bird. 

Awal waqt

Literally awal waqt means first time. I think it’s a concept though. 

Doing the right thing is always right. Giving a hug, showing love, doing namaz, and many many other good things. 

Moula did a riwayat today I’ve heard before, but learned a new layer today😁  A man who did namaz awal waqt was late to namaz.  It wasn’t the awal waqt.  He got distracted and waited until the very last moment to do namaz. He wanted to do wazu and instead of water he got jewels.  He sent the jewels back into the well.  He tried again and got jewels instead of water.  He tried a third time and was able to do wazu and namaz.  There’s a lot to learn from this story and the new layer for me is that doing things awal waqt is a habit that needs to be developed or a muscle that needs to be exercised.  It requires discipline and focus which Moula also talked about.

I got the Naseeb to go and take care of Nooriya and dad on back to back days. It was less than convenient for me. I was a bit annoyed at first, but then thankful I had the opportunity to be helpful. It wasn’t immediate that I felt like that, but it was close. 

When I’m patient with the kids, I always feel good. I’m hoping they do too.  Especially, when that’s my first response.

The right thing is always the right thing. Doing it first thing is better and makes you feel good and makes good memories.

Taher, do it in the awal waqt. 

Force

There’s something pulling on me all the time. Do this or don’t do that. I don’t know how to name it. 

The waaz yesterday was in part about a force. It’s a concept that was made accessible to us. Moula seemed to be describing gravity without using the word gravity. He described a force so strong that it attracts. Without it you float away.  Just like what gravity does. Not gravity. He didn’t say the word. 

Then he named it to the surprise of most. Love. Wa lad deen ilul hoob. There is no religion without love. 

A new layer became clear. Lead with Niyat or intention. 

Taher, do it with love. You’ll never float away.

Worst thing

Like many of the posts I make, I want to remember this for later. 

The worst thing is a feeling. Je thawanauche thase (what is going to happen will happen). What will happen is inevitable. We can choose how to feel about it. The “good” or “bad” things will happen. The “good” and “bad” are up to us. What happens is usually not that bad. 

We have this baseline of happiness. It’s like our upper limit that we return to. The thing is it’s not fixed. That’s wondrous!  This idea of what is abundance is flexible. This baseline is up to us and that is amazing!

Priorities determine “good” and “bad”. It’s not easy, but it’s also not complicated to move this baseline towards more happiness. 

Taher, remember your priorities. Do the work to remember them even if no one claps.