Awal waqt

Literally awal waqt means first time. I think it’s a concept though. 

Doing the right thing is always right. Giving a hug, showing love, doing namaz, and many many other good things. 

Moula did a riwayat today I’ve heard before, but learned a new layer today😁  A man who did namaz awal waqt was late to namaz.  It wasn’t the awal waqt.  He got distracted and waited until the very last moment to do namaz. He wanted to do wazu and instead of water he got jewels.  He sent the jewels back into the well.  He tried again and got jewels instead of water.  He tried a third time and was able to do wazu and namaz.  There’s a lot to learn from this story and the new layer for me is that doing things awal waqt is a habit that needs to be developed or a muscle that needs to be exercised.  It requires discipline and focus which Moula also talked about.

I got the Naseeb to go and take care of Nooriya and dad on back to back days. It was less than convenient for me. I was a bit annoyed at first, but then thankful I had the opportunity to be helpful. It wasn’t immediate that I felt like that, but it was close. 

When I’m patient with the kids, I always feel good. I’m hoping they do too.  Especially, when that’s my first response.

The right thing is always the right thing. Doing it first thing is better and makes you feel good and makes good memories.

Taher, do it in the awal waqt. 

Force

There’s something pulling on me all the time. Do this or don’t do that. I don’t know how to name it. 

The waaz yesterday was in part about a force. It’s a concept that was made accessible to us. Moula seemed to be describing gravity without using the word gravity. He described a force so strong that it attracts. Without it you float away.  Just like what gravity does. Not gravity. He didn’t say the word. 

Then he named it to the surprise of most. Love. Wa lad deen ilul hoob. There is no religion without love. 

A new layer became clear. Lead with Niyat or intention. 

Taher, do it with love. You’ll never float away.

Worst thing

Like many of the posts I make, I want to remember this for later. 

The worst thing is a feeling. Je thawanauche thase (what is going to happen will happen). What will happen is inevitable. We can choose how to feel about it. The “good” or “bad” things will happen. The “good” and “bad” are up to us. What happens is usually not that bad. 

We have this baseline of happiness. It’s like our upper limit that we return to. The thing is it’s not fixed. That’s wondrous!  This idea of what is abundance is flexible. This baseline is up to us and that is amazing!

Priorities determine “good” and “bad”. It’s not easy, but it’s also not complicated to move this baseline towards more happiness. 

Taher, remember your priorities. Do the work to remember them even if no one claps. 

Everyday

I had to look this up.  Everyday as one word means common while every day is literal.  I think this distinction is pretty cool.

Today is a special day and I was inspired by Zahra to write this.  It’s not great writing, but I want to come back to read this and remember how I was feeling when I wrote this.

—

Every Day is Everyday

The sunrises Everyday

The stars are in the sky Everyday

We make memories Everyday

Let the memories hold on to you Every Day

It’s hard, we’re just pathetic humans

Still,

Every Day is Everyday

— 

Taher, the sun rises every day.  Not just on vacation; it is literally everyday.

Panera

Panera keeps giving!  I’m enjoying some relaxing time at Panera today. A week ago we were knee deep in Ashara planning, ITS that wouldn’t cooperate and was seriously frustrating, and complicated logistics. Stress was all around. It was damn near impossible to be calm. I knew it would all work out eventually. It always seems to. It was hard to remember that and it was so hard to reassure others. 

We got a good reminder yesterday in misaq and waaz. A part of the waaz that really stayed with me was just have baroso. You’ve got the main and important stuff, don’t worry. The misaq reinforced this Khuda koy ne aape koy ne na aape. Khuda koy ne uncha kare koy ne neecha kare. Don’t worry. And ends with Mubarak. You have this oath and you’ve made it. 

Today I’m enjoying some time at Panera. Just after I entered a dad came in with his one year old. The kids was in adorable. He was in the phase where he could walk and really couldn’t talk yet. The Panera employee saw this cute kid and gave him a cookie. He was so excited!!!  The cookie was about the size of his face!😁. A little while later an old guy with a walker was getting coffee. I was able to hold his coffee and the door so he could navigate getting out without spilling. Just now I saw some guy hold the door for someone else that was holding a bunch of stuff. It was great. It was a small thing. 

Taher, notice the small things at Panera. Taher, let the little things pile up. 

Never know

I didn’t write this, but I’ve begun to appreciate it very much. It is very poetic and stands up very well without music. I want to come back and read later. 

—-

We're breaking and rebuilding
And we're growing, always guessing

Never knowing
Shocking but we're nothing
We're just moments
We're clever but we're clueless
We're just human
Amusing and confusing
We're trying but where is this all leading
We'll never know

It all happened so much faster than you could say disaster
Wanna take a time-lapse and look at it backwards from the last one
And maybe that's just the answer that we're after
But after all we're just a bubble in a boiling pot
Just one breath in a chain of thought
The moments just combusting
Feel certain but we'll never, never know
Sure seems the same

—-

Taher, remember that you never know. Leave a margin for what’s important. Be the early bird. 

Pina Colada

I've always associated the Pina Colada song (I think it's called Escape) with vacation.  It's a rather silly song.  It's about a guy who's bored with his marriage and puts out a personal ad.  He puts out the ad with all the things he wants.  He gets a response and plans to meet up with the woman.  In a twist, his wife answers the ad.  She's all the things he wants.  

This song is silly, but it is not a vacation song.  It's good to hear on vacation though.  Seems like it's easier to think about what you want while on vacation.  The guy in this song didn't realize he already had everything he wanted.  It's not about wanting something else, it's about wanting what you've got.

Taher, when you hear this song let it be a reminder to you that you already have everything you want.  Don't just listen to this song on vacation.

Birdbath

This morning, I was eating breakfast and looking out over the backyard and trees as I often do.  Today was a rainy morning and there was a bird bathing in a puddle.  I could tell it wasn’t thinking more than 5 seconds in the future.  It was just doing wazu and enjoying the puddle.  It would submerge half its body and then shake off the water.  There was nothing special about this bird.  It was smallish and boring mix of brown colors.

The bird was just doing it’s thing and was totally in the moment.  It didn’t seem to think about where it’s next meal would come from or what it would be doing later.  It was just doing wazu.

Taher, don’t worry about all the things.  Be like the bird and just do your thing.

Frame

Our mindset can determine our actions.  That's why it's so important.  Stuff happens and that's unavoidable.  We have the ability to respond and not react to stuff.

What is the right response?  It's almost never frustration.  That's a reaction.  A more useful response is probably passion.  Framing the situation is key.  Passion is almost always positive.  I think of a cool word I learned a while back, equanimity. This basically means ability to remain calm.  Being calm seems to almost never be a bad thing.

Frustration is inevitable.  It can be expressed like a toddler, suppressed, expressed as passion, or something more difficult like being calm.  

The positive part is up to us.   That's the mindset piece.  It's important that your actions follow your niyat.  Your actions won't be 100% positive, but cut yourself some slack Taher.  

Taher, be clear what you want your mindset to be. Your niyat can be 100%.

Faith

The other day I heard a family kid relay some wrong information. For some reason, I felt compelled to correct her. I somehow assumed the role of elder😅

She said, “my friend in Jamea said this”. I responded, “still wrong”. She turned to her friend and said what I was saying made more sense. I saw her grow in that moment.

I also thought about my place. It’s not only student and not only to listen. Listening should very regularly be the majority, but not always. I thought about this thing I corrected probably way more than anyone else. I felt compelled to find them the next day and explain a bit more and to leave them with a thought to think more and not just take my word for it. 

This whole thing made me wonder about reason. It’s a critical part of faith I think. You have to accept something without understanding so that you can apply reason. It sounds contradictory, but it’s not. More simply, “to see reality, we must focus on the unseen and unproven”

I don’t understand, but this seems to be vital to happiness. 

Taher, reason requires faith. 

Bees and Naseeb

I recently heard something I want to remember and connect to other stuff I've learned.

"Appreciate the bees, not just the honey"

Moula says mud makhi na misal bano (become like the bee).  Another layer of this became apparent to me.  The bee produces the honey and is a worker.  There are lots of steps in between that don't produce honey.  The bee doesn't care. The "steps" good and bad are written.  They will come.

Recently, I was questioning my place and ability to affect, well anything.  My question was me thinking about my place and asking generally, "Who am I to change anything?".  I was thinking basically why do anything.  My premise was je naseeb ma che tho naseeb ma che (what is written is written).

I got a response that was indirect, but it made me think and satisfied my questioning.  Basically, the response was your premise is correct.  However, when you're hungry you don't just stand under the apple tree and wait for the apple to fall in your mouth.  You put in effort, you water the tree, you nurture the tree, and you eventually pick the apple. Then you eat it.  The effort is part of it; it's essential.  It is written, but what is written isn't based on what you perceive has already happened.

Taher, the bee doesn't care.  Appreciate all of it.

Reason

I've been thinking about incentives.  Specifically, incentive to be kind.  

It doesn't make any rationale sense to be kind sometimes.  There are situations where it just feels right to be kind for no reason.  It doesn't make sense, but it just feels right.  Why?  I don't know.  Does it matter? Other people see. 

Sometimes there's kindness with no hope.  Like taking care of a parent near the end. There is no incentive. But it just feels right. There’s something indirect and undeserved. 

Taher, be kind because it feels right.  It'll come back eventually and you won't ever understand.

Mean something

I again rewatched one of my favorite movies. The dialogue is great. Whole sections just get by me. This gem got by me until now. 

“ 

Love has to mean something. Maybe it means something more, something we can’t yet understand.

Maybe we should trust that if we can’t understand.

“

This reminds me of possibly my favorite thing Moula says. It’s my favorite until I understand more stuff 😁. “wa lad deen ilul hoob”. There is no deen without love. He usually says it three times to emphasize its importance. Love means something. We should trust it. 

Taher, if it’s borne of love then do it. Taher, make it mean something. 

Lessons

Dad was teaching me again tonight. Tonight the Burhani Guards had a darees. In addition to having a darees, they raised money to give a few lucky people a ticket to Karbala to do ziyarat. Dad is naseeb and he was chosen. Wow!  His immediate response was to donate it to someone who hasn’t not been yet. So generous. 

Later that night I just wanted to get home. I was almost out the door to discover that someone had taken my shoes. I was so ready to leave and I looked all over for ten minutes looking for them. Then I remembered dad a few years ago in London took his shoes off at a masjid entrance at a miqaat with Moula. He just took them off and left them. He didn’t care. He had stuff to do at masjid.  I remembered his attitude. They’ll be here or they won’t. He couldn’t care less. So baller. 

Taher, they’re just shoes. 

Bird

The early bird gets the worm.

There's a lot to unpack there.  The early bird gets the worm...sometimes, might be a better way to think about this.  There's only so much in your control and then the rest is just being patient.  The early bird is in position because it's early.  The worm so to speak isn't always early though.  The "early bird" is just prepared for what is important, "the worm".

The rest is just patience.  There's so much you can't do.  Recognizing that leads to patience.  Perhaps a better example is catching a train.  Getting to the station is only partly in your control.  Once you get to the platform the train will come when it comes.  The best you can do is be there and wait.

This phrase is about knowing what's important.  However, it is more about being patient, I think.  The "worm" will comes when it comes.  The waiting with confidence is the hard part.  This leads to the "worm" every time.

Taher, be the early bird.

Wise words

These are someone else’s words. It’s a simple phrase, but so wise. 

"Better to trip with the feet than with the tongue."

Whatever is said can’t be unsaid. It’s so simple, but not easy. Think before you speak. Think before you do anything really. 

Taher, choose your words carefully and deliberately.  

Memories

I am on vacation again. Alhamdolillah. I saw one of my favorite movies again first thing. It immediately put me in the right headspace. 

It has a line I must have missed the first many times. “Now, we're just here to be memories for our kids.”

This vacation is to make more memories. Mostly good ones I hope. The right memories too. The ones about spending time together and doing things that don’t necessarily cost money and don’t only happen on vacation. Sometimes that means deeni memories. 

It’s day 0.25 and already there are some great memories. I did namaz when it was inconvenient not just for me, but for them to see too. 

Yusuf’s 1st meal in was a memory that makes me so proud. He was super hungry with a plate of food in front of him and decided to go 10 minutes back to the room to get his topi even after I told him it was ok and he should bring it next time. 

Zahra is setting a great example for Nooriya wearing rida everywhere and living her life. The chef saw us and told us what was halal and importantly what has questionable ingredients we should stay away from.  Nooriya chose her outfits and they’re all rida. We’re on a boat with no one we know. She could “take a break”, but she’s not. She’s choosing rida when so many on this boat chose a lot less modestly. I’m so proud of them both. 

I’m so proud of all three. 

Taher, when you do something or anything think to yourself, “will you be proud of the kind of memory is this going to be.”

Easy

Forgiveness is hard.  It's easier to write someone off or some group off.  They did this or that unforgivable thing.  They may have done something big like stealing or something small like interrupting.  They said something mean.  They did something mean.  They even did it on purpose.  

So what?

The easy thing to do is not forgive and remember.  Perhaps it might be easier to write them off.  And perhaps even cast them out.  Maybe they are repeat offenders and the easy thing to do is think, "this is the last straw". 

Moula teaches us that forgiveness is the thing to do.  His response to the worst transgression imaginable was to say my father taught me to forgive.  Pacha laywe.  Me gala lagiwees. This is powerful.  His response is basically bring him here and I'll give him a hug.  What?!

Taher, don't do the easy thing.  Forgive and forget.  It's for you.  Follow Moula's example.

Give

Khuda gives us 40 and we give 1 back to him.  Khuda can do literally anything.  Why didn't we just get 39?

There's a lot to this 1 of 40.  The numbers aren't really that important.  We can count it up and put it in different buckets and get to some other numbers.   An important part is the giving is up to us.  We get to choose to give just like we get to choose to do namaz or any other good thing.

Giving isn't just money.  It's trust.  It's love.  It's happiness.  It's opportunity.  It's kindness.

Money does seem like the hardest to give.  It gets easier to give money the more you do it.  It's hard every time though.  Giving is easier when we internalize that money isn't ours to begin with.  Khuda gives it to us.

The thing is that giving to good things always comes back to the giver.  It's hardest with money because it's not necessarily a straight line or even observable, but it always does come back.

Taher, giving money is hard.  Do it.  It will come back to you.

Abundance

Two focuses things this Ramadan.  Lots of time after fajr :)

I also want to focus on abundance.  It's plenty adjacent.  There's a concept that we have an "abundance set point".  It's pretty cool.  It's our brain realizing what is enough.  We get to establish that baseline.  If we can get there, we have a good chance of being happy.

What's really cool is that we can shift this point in our mind.  A positive mind-set inherently believes there's plenty to go around and lowers this "set point".  It's not a coincidence that optimists are happier and live longer.  With this mindset, experiences are fuller and opportunities are perceived differently.  Not much is truly in our control, but this is.

An abundance mind set is more than just being optimistic, though that's certainly part of it.  It is believing that there is enough for everyone and helping others to see that.  It is understanding that there's endless opportunities.  Let rozu remind you that khuda is capable of giving you and everyone endless rewards.

Taher, you are at this abundance point now.  Just get your brain to catch up by helping others see that too.

Plenty

Every year in Ramadan I try to focus on one thing. This year it’s abundance.  Roza will help remind me that I have a lot.  Having a lot isn't bad, but having too much is.

I think this is an economics idea at it's root.  The idea is called the Paradox of Plenty.  It's basically when a country with a lot of resources has a worse economic outcome than those countries with few resources.  The basic idea is that a country with a lot doesn't develop organically and this is referred to as the "resource curse".  

The idea of Paradox of Plenty seems to apply much more broadly.  It is the restlessness that comes with too much choice.  It creates the illusion of control.  It seems logical that the more we have and can decide would translate into more empowerment and more control of our environment.  That's not right.  Stuff happens, both good and bad, and you can't control it. Stoicism ties in here I think.  A tenet of stoicism is understanding that things around you will happen and they're supposed to.  You control your mind and nothing else.

Taher, be content without plenty.  Being content isn't settling for less.  Rather it's realizing what you have.

Door

I've been working for a while now and it amazes me now that sometimes the value I bring is just being there.  It's nice to be valued, but it still seems strange.  I've had a colleague who liked to say, "Change is inevitable.  Progress is optional".  This value from little other than experience is a change.  It's progress.

I've been a parent for a while now too.  I don't always feel valued by the kids:)  It might come later, but it's not really important.  Things are definitely changing though.  I think we've all heard something like when one door closes a window opens or some annoying bright-side-of-every-situation-type phrase.

Things are changing.  The kids are changing.  Not all at once, but they've entered this new stage.  They're older.  Nooriya is learning to drive.  I get to teach her:)  She's so excited.  It's wonderful.  My value is simply being the passenger.  I don't really do anything.  Last night Yusuf went out to a friend's house after Zahra and I went to bed.  My value will be to simply be here and listen to him tell me about something from his night.

Tonight Zahra and I are going out and the kids have their own separate plans.  It's not the first time, but things are definitely changing.  It's becoming more normal.  Another door is closing...

Taher, things are changing.  They will change again.  Taher, choose progress.

High School

I went back to my high school to see Nooriya’s gymnastics meet. It has been 25 years since I was in that building. A lot is different there, but it still brought back a lot of memories. There is stuff I remember that I didn’t even realize I remember. 

I don’t remember high school as the best time. Actually, thinking of high school as being the best time of your life is kinda sad.  It was complicated like I’m guessing it is for everyone. I wasn’t the sports guy. I wasn’t the smartest usually. I wasn’t the most popular or the most talented either. 

Somehow I was nice to people most of the time and that worked really well. I definitely didn’t have it figured out. I couldn’t articulate it. I wasn’t just kinda lucky that I was nice to people. 

Until today I didn’t really realize that I was nice and kind then and that was the reason high school was as good as it was. I can articulate it now. Being nice and kind works at this age and I’m glad I can articulate it now and strive for it. 

Taher, be nice and kind. It will probably still work in 25 years. 

Small

Life can be rough.  Duniya kind of stinks.  Stuff happens all the time that sucks.  It is easy to focus on that.

Everyday, though, there are all these little moments of joy or happiness.  These moments of beauty are everywhere.  They happen all the time and many are just too small or too mundane to appreciate.  Why not appreciate them?  Things like a person smiling at you, a friendly hello, someone making space so you can change lanes, or someone holding the door.

This small stuff happens everyday.

This makes me think of the riwayat of rasulallah asking people he was with to gather fire wood in the desert.  They all didn't think there was enough, but it piled up when people accumulated the small amounts.

There's small amounts of happiness everywhere and everyday.  We can pile it up.

Taher, notice the small.  Taher, do those small things.  Someone else may pile those up.

Legacy

Life is short though it may not always seem like that.  It has a way of seeming even shorter when looking back.  Kids grow up and things change.  You have milestones and low points.  Those seem to be the memories that stick.  

The other day dad came over and told me the story of when he first got to the USA.  I'd heard it before, but I love watching him tell it.  It was the 60 year mark.  He made his way to Minneapolis.  There was a snow storm and his connecting flight was cancelled.  He was being hosted by a family he'd never seen for a few days in rural Minnesota.  A bunch of them had all come to the airport to receive him only to not have him arrive.

My dad got bumped to a later flight.  It was 60 years ago so he had no way of letting them know.  The family all left, except for the dad.  He stayed back.  And was miraculously there to meet my dad, all by himself; a foreigner in a strange place.

They eventually drove the 1.5 hours back to their farm where at 11 pm the whole family had waited to eat dinner.  The mom went to the library and researched what would be ok to eat.  She prepared the meal and assured my dad that there was no pork in anything.  After dinner, the dad showed my dad to his room.  He even pointed and said Mecca is that way.  He even figured out which way qibla was!  

Part of this family's legacy is my dad and his story.  Wow!

At this point, my dad silently reflected on 60 years of life since.  He thought about his legacy I imagine.

Then the mood changed.  My dad talked about this picture on his desk.  It's a picture I know well.  It's a picture of his whole family on the day he left.   Everyone gathered.  Going on a plane, let alone to the US was a big deal then.

A new part of the story developed.  There are 19 people standing with my dad.  He noted that all 19 people had passed away and even 2 of the seated kids had passed away.

Taher, remember that your legacy is bigger than you and do things that you'll be proud of when you think about your legacy.

Lyric

This a favorite lyric of mine.  It's a mid 90's song that was fun to listen to and then something more.  The song goes,

And soon if we're lucky we'd be unable to tell
What's yours and mine

I had thought this was cool and up until this day I thought this was just about me and Zahra.  

Today is a heavy day.  It's simply sad in a lot of ways.  It is probably one of many sad days to come.  This lyric is now about something more than the relationship between two lucky people.  I think it's really about stages in life.  They pass and then somehow they become unrecognizable.  One day Zahra and I weren't together and now we are.  The before doesn't seem real.  Once we didn't have kids and then we did.  The before doesn't seem real.  Stuff will happen in life and the before will be unreal.  Sometimes we'll be lucky and sometimes we will not be lucky, but there will be change.  There will be a before. 

Perhaps, I'm reading into this far more than the author intended.  Perhaps, the lyrics really are that deep.  I like to think this depth just snuck into a pop song.

Taher, there will be an after.

Margin

I'm thinking about the plan.  There is a plan.  It's just not the one I made.  It's better and I don't see it.  I don't know what it is.  No one can.  That's the thing.  "Unexpected" stuff happens all the time.  It's part of the plan though.  

We're not helpless though.  We can do things and at the same time the things we do are part of the plan.  Stuff will happen and it's not "unexpected".  When something is important there needs to be space for the "unexpected".  If Zahra or Yusuf or Nooriya says, I will meet you in the mud room at 6:50, it's imperative that I'm there and ready.  I want them to rely on me.  6:50 doesn't mean 6:52.  It's not leave as little time as possible for all the steps so that it ends at 6:50.  Things never go exactly as you think they should.  6:50 doesn't just happen.

Life doesn't go exactly as you think it should.  The "unexpected" happens.  It's supposed to and things get in the way.  Plan for things to not go exactly as you think.  When you do that, you know it's important.  It can be the other way around too.  If you know it's important, plan for things not to go exactly as you think.

Taher, things don't go exactly as you think they should, but they go exactly to plan.  Leave a margin for the stuff you know is important to go the way you want.

Too Easy

I recently learned about something in the brain.  It is when things are procedural or too easy we lose out in the long-term.  I thought the title "Too Easy" was very apt.  I thought of another post I had written back in a few months ago and later came to learn I had coincidentally named it "Hard".

In it, I recalled something Moula tells us.  There is a lot of sawab in doing wazu with cold water at fajr.  Back in when I wrote the post, another layer became clear to me.  There's a lot of benefit in doing the hard thing.

No surprise that some research confirms what Moula's wisdom is telling us.  It is specific, but at the same time the thought can be broadened.  

I'm learning about Block Learning vs Interleaving.  In short, block learning is doing something over and over using the same method or learning by procedure.  Think formula.  Things work only if something fits the formula.  This is true when learning a math equation or practicing chess all day or very specific or narrow domain knowledge.  This leads to wins and observable progress in the short-term.  It comes at the expense of the long-term though.  The opposite is interleaving.  Think concepts.  This is frustrating and often leads to frustration and lack of observable results.  This is stickier.  This kind of learning is harder, but objectively better.  This is strongly correlated with learning to do lots of things; it is related to gaining knowledge in multiple domains.  Most of the best athletes, musicians, other artists, and academics practice this kind of learning.

There's a lesson here.  Whether it's parenting, sabaq, hosting, school, work, or any of many other things, we might not be able see the payoff, but it's there.  That's maybe the point too.  We often can't see and just have to trust.

Taher, do the hard thing.

Cornbread

Yesterday Yusuf and Nooriya cooked everything.  Another time to be in the backseat and just enjoy.  I was the helper.  It made me feel so good.  I love seeing them both come into their own more and more.  I'm getting used to this new stage of parenting and doing less.

Everything tasted great.  Not great because my kids made it; it was just great.  There was one thing with the food that was unintentional and made for a great memory.  Nooriya was making mashed potatoes and cornbread.  At meal time, she mixed up the two and served the cornbread batter as the mashed potatoes.  

Everyone took some.  It looked delicious and just like mashed potatoes.  We started and one by one people got to the potatoes and said stuff like, "did you accidentally put sugar in the potatoes?", "why is it sweet?", "is it supposed to taste like dessert?".

We got to spend more time with dad yesterday which was wonderful.  He's still teaching.  He took some cornbread and insisted that it was great.  He didn't care.  He ate everything.  He was present and he enjoyed the moment.  He was maybe in a different stage of grandparenting.  He was doing less and being there more!

Taher, do less sometimes, but be there more.  Taher, remember your priorities.

Happiness

Money can’t buy you happiness. Happiness is maybe more complicated than that. There’s a lot to it probably. 

There is definitely a relationship between money and happiness. Money buying happiness is probably the wrong way to frame it though. A more helpful way to thinking about the two is to simply frame the relationship differently. Money doesn’t buy happiness; it can only mitigate unhappiness. And up to a point.

After that point it doesn’t matter much at all. This framing puts the focus on the other stuff. The other stuff like relationships with people and quality of interactions and attitude are where we can focus. These things are often in competition with money in some way. They’re also the things that are often most in our own control. 

Taher, focus on the right things. The right things don’t include money.

Niyat

There’s lots of interactions everyday.

One yesterday stands out. It was after vaas. Moula was padahring just past. Everyone was seated and doing deedar. It was nice and relatively calm for a Moula situation. Everyone was able to do deedar and thamakun sey.

And then a few seconds in one dude in the front stood up. He was very quickly followed by several people around him standing. And then more people. It was like a wave. I could feel myself and a few around me groaning collectively and I remember thinking, “SERIOUSLY!?”.

I stubbornly stayed seated thinking this is the adab thing to do. Then everyone was standing around me and I had to stand out of safety. Again I thought, “SERIOUSLY?!”.  I have to get up and do what’s not adab right now. 

I thought, not immediately I admit, what was this guy’s niyat?  Was it to annoy me?  Very very very likely not. He just wanted to see moula. All those other people probably did too. I have the insane naseeb to be annoyed. I get to go in so many situations where I get to be close to Moula and have his nazr. Alhamdolillah!

This is just one example, but annoying stuff happens all the time everyday. People’s niyat is almost always good. 

Moula repeated three times one my favorite things he says, “wa lad deen ilul hoob”. There is no deen without love. It has a new layer today. Love people’s niyat. That’s part of deen. 

Taher, look at people’s niyat. It is almost always good. Love that. 

Chill

The more I learn the more it becomes clear that stuff doesn’t matter as much as it seems in almost every case. 

So much we’re instructed to do begins with “thamakun sey” [fill in the blank].  

Just relax!  Relax while you eat. Relax while you do namaz. Relax when you do tasbee at the end of namaz. Relax when you work. Relax when you sleep. Relax when you dream. 

In fact, have a passion for relaxing. Relax and appreciate the world. Appreciating the world is ibadaat. 

Work hard at relaxing. When that person or thing annoys you that’s the way it’s supposed to go. Relax and let what’s coming come. It’ll come to pass regardless. 

Taher, just relax!  You’ll get what’s coming to you and it’ll be better if you’re relaxed to receive it. 

Twice

The day has its twists and turns. It plays out and is done once it’s done. We have one body.

It’s an opportunity though. We can each live the day twice. Each day we can live the day and each night we can think about how we would have wanted to spend the day. It’s like a big do-over. It’ll probably lead to better sleep too😁

We are “prisoners” to our bodies I suppose. We have the choice to be angry that we are here or take a different view and mark time in days until…Either way we’re stuck until we “get out”. 

Taher, be a better prisoner. Each day has a second chance. 

Trust

This is post mostly advice for me to read later. 

What do you see when you look at people?Don’t be surprised. They are exactly who they are supposed to be. Trust that they are. Trust them. Give it away just like love. 

Trust people. Sometimes they might not come through and you will get burned. They aren’t supposed to always come through. That’s why trust is so hard. 

The alternative is don’t trust or trust slowly even. You will still get burned. You won’t realize it though. People would come through and you won’t know. It’s lonely. 

Taher, trust people.  People do what they’re supposed to. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. 

Blame

So much good or bad happens in our lives. Some clearly good. Some clearly bad. And much that’s a matter of perspective. That’s the part that makes life one or the other. 

It can be tempting to blame someone else or even something else for stuff and the result is it’s bad. The same is true of the good. Blame may not be the right word for that. 

Blame is the wrong view. No one is to blame. They were just doing what they were supposed to do. Expecting something else is foolish. Why blame the water for being wet?

Taher, don’t look for blame. It’s foolish. 

Consequence

Rewards aren't usually linear.  They aren't something to strive for either.  They are more of a consequence.  Good deeds have a consequence.  The reward may or may not come as you comprehend.  If  you help a person or feed someone they may not reciprocate.  That doesn't mean it won't come back to you and yours in some way.

It's a bit silly to think there's a reward.  Humans were made in large part to help each other.  The eye is made to see, but we don't expect a reward when it does.  The legs were made to walk.  We don't expect a reward when they bring us from one place to another.  

Taher, there is a consequence to helping and giving.  You may not be able to understand what it is.

Proud

The other day we went out together.  I was driving. Yusuf got out before me and he’s faster than me. I was ~10 seconds behind. I saw a woman being dropped off at the door.  She seemed to have some sort of health issue that required her to be dropped off.  I rushed to hold the door for her.  About 2 seconds in, I realized Yusuf noticed and waited by the door for a good 5 seconds.  He waited for her and held the door.  It was a small act, but it made me so proud.

Nooriya started high school.  She also just got her misaq.  Of her own accord she decided to begin wearing rida full time as soon as she got her misaq.  It's hard being a teenager period.  It's hard being in a new school.  It's hard being a teenage girl.  It's hard being different, especially at 14.  There was nothing easy about this.  It's hard at any age to make this decision.  She wears it with such confidence.  I'm in awe.  I'm sure that there are difficult days and I'm sure that it's tough.  It is a large act and it makes me so proud.

Yusuf and Nooriya do things big and small all the time that make me so proud.  They are their own people and they deserve credit for the things they do and don't do.  That's what makes me so proud.  They did/do it and deserve it.  I also am proud that they're connected to me.  I know I don't deserve credit and I don't want it, but I realize that I shouldn't get zero credit either.  They are watching and they've been watching.

Taher, don't forget that the kids are still watching good or bad.

Shade

This week Michelle Obama spoke.  It was inspirational.  I watched it twice.  There were parts that were political and relevant right now.  That wasn't the inspiring part.

She spoke about her mom and the generations that came before.  It was personal and emotional.  The inspiring part that I want to remember and remind myself is that she spoke about families and generations and the perspective of a longer sense of time.  What was inspiring to me was that payoff will come eventually.  It is not a steady and linear path.  It might be a bumpy road and not a straight line to get to the payoff.  Be confident that the payoff will come.  I just may not be around to see it.

It was never mentioned in the speech, but it reminded me of the proverb to, "...plant trees in whose shade you shall never sit in".  

Taher, you are enjoying the shade others are responsible for. 

Taher, plant trees.  Taher, if doing it is good for Zahra, Yusuf, or Nooriya do it and let them and the next generation enjoy the shade.

Sitting in the back

I don't get to experience many firsts anymore.  Most of my firsts over the past 16+ years have been vicarious firsts that I got to observe.  I got to be part of Yusuf's and Nooriya's firsts.  I had my own milestone yesterday.  It was the first time I sat in the back of the car with Zahra and the kids sat in front.

I've been in the passenger seat when Yusuf is driving.  It's somehow easier to let go in the passenger seat.  It's like I'm still part of the driving.  My counsel on driving is received well mostly and I'm still teaching.  It's somehow easier to be more measured and not say stuff.  Sitting in the back was different.  It was hard not to say anything.  I could see myself "helping" and at the same time in my mind I knew that was not the right and needed thing.

I thought there's a bigger lesson here.  It's just as important to not be in the "passenger seat" as it is to not be in the "driver's seat" sometimes.  It's helpful for the other person to grow and learn.  It's hard, but sit in the back and enjoy the ride.

Taher, the view is changing.  Get comfortable sitting in the back.

Share

This past week I gave my coworkers a presentation about being Bohra and talked about my topi. It was very 101. It was good for me to try to articulate the basics. It was important to articulate it well to the audience and maybe just as important to put some things into words for myself. It’s easy to forget the “why” after doing something for so long. It just becomes routine. Articulating the “why” makes it fresh. 

I know Bohra 101 better than I know almost everything. However, I was more nervous doing this than anything I’ve done in a long time. I saw the downside very clearly. If I mess this up people could really take a skewed view of what’s so important to me and I felt like I had this one chance to get it right. It went great. I even recorded it and love that I can share it further. The nervousness translated and was obvious, but it came across as vulnerable and genuine. 

It was so well received and I got a lot of positive feedback. I felt really good afterwards. It felt so good to share. I was afraid people wouldn’t care. I was wrong. 

Taher, find the opportunity to share when the time is right. It feels really good and people do care. 

Ziyafat

I was able to do a ziyafat this year. I went for tahkmeen and the amount I was hoping for was not nearly enough. I saw that it was a higher number, hesitated for a moment, and then said “me kay na kay karees”.  Basically, I thought and said I’ll figure it out.  

I was able to secure one additional pass. I thought about who to give it to and immediately I thought of my khaka’s son. His dad did a lot for my dad and my cousin in turn holds my parents in high regard very much as a result. I also thought how I want my kids to benefit from this as much as possible. 

It dawned on me that me wanting to give this to my cousin was a result of his dad doing stuff. In this very pay it forward kind of way my cousin was receiving something years after my khaka passed away and likely because of my khaka. 

Taher, don’t hesitate. Give it and figure it out. Yusuf and Nooriya will benefit years later in many ways you can’t even think of. 

Helper

Helping is not zero sum and it is not reciprocal.  It is not a good mindset to help because that person helped me so I should help them or I'll help when I'm all set and able.  Helping doesn't work like that.  Just like you should be happy for someone else because they got something even if you wanted it.  Helping is the same way.  Helping isn't if they get something then I won't.  It's not zero sum.  In fact, I believe it is additive.  Help and nobody has less.  We all win.

There was a cool psychology study I learned about recently.  People were given some money.  Some were asked to buy something for themselves and other asked to give the money away.  The study concluded that the people who gave the money away were noticeably happier.  WOW!  The cool thing about this study is some people were given alot and some a little.  Those that gave away alot were not noticeably happier than those that gave away less.  It didn't matter how much you helped.  Helping any amount translated to happiness.

I recently had the chance to help some friends with some visa stuff.  It was some time, but it was much easier for me to do.  I was able to help and it felt so good.  My friends were appreciative sure, but that had little to do with how I felt.

Taher, remember how it feels to help.  Taher, you will get more than you give.  Give generously.

Environment

Context, I've learned, is a large part of communication.  The context affects so much of the listening and the talking.  The ability to listen well depends on your context.  If I have to go to the bathroom, I won't be a good listener.  I just won't.  Among other things I'll just be distracted.  Even if it's socially awkward or odd to stop a conversation it's worth it, because it's easy to tell if someone isn't listening.

Taher, do what you need.  Interrupt the conversation if you have to.  It will always be the better thing to do.

Context is just as important when doing the talking.  People are often stressed for different reasons.  Even mild stress can affect your communication all the while having nothing to do with the other person.  An easy example to understand is talking on the phone while in traffic.  No one likes traffic.  It's mildly stressful and can be very annoying when some other driver drives poorly or is inconsiderate.  This will 100% affect the way you speak on the phone.  The traffic has nothing to do with the other person, but they may get an annoyed and quickly irritated phone conversation.

Taher, mind your environment.

Response Science

The ability to control my actions has always been a focus of mine.  Whether in sports as a kid or in my older age in conversations.  Intuitively, I know that reaction is instinctual and that it comes first and response comes later.  I confirmed that thought with this cool model of the brain I learned about recently.

Basically, a thing happens and our brain processes that thing.  The thing goes through our brain first in the parts we have little control of and eventually to the thinking part.  All people are like this.  It's fascinating.

Taher, take your time.  It takes time to get to the thinking part.  Respond, don't react. 

Taher, be patient.  It takes time for others to get to the thinking part.  That's how their brain works.