Vacation

Alhamdolillah that I get to go on vacation.  I get to see and experience things which make my faith more solid. My eyes open to more wonders which make me even more certain there is something more. 

Each trip away is special and enjoyable in different ways, but the one thing that every trip has in common is I come home at the end. And I appreciate coming home each time. 

One of the best parts of vacation for me is coming home at the end and rediscovering and re-appreciating everything that was there beforehand. 

Taher, don't wait for vacation to appreciate what's at home. 

Clarity

The day before the weather was rainy and windy and just unpredictable. We told the kids "we'll see" over and over. The weather didn't clear up and we did take them to the beach. We immediately assessed that it wasn't the right conditions to be at the beach and headed to the pool...in the rain and wind. 

As we made the best of the beach-audible Nooriya and I played "catch the bracelet" underwater in the pool. There was a moment I saw her smile under the water through my goggles. I'm so lucky to have seen it so clearly.   I'm so lucky to have noticed the one of probably many smiles in the moment I wasn't able to see or do or hear anything else while under water. I think about the attitude to make the best and the little it took to elicit that smile...just being there. 

In contrast, the last 24 hours have been full of amazing experiences. They have been true vacation gold. We saw more stars than I can remember seeing last night. All the while we were in kayaks with glass bottoms seeing the amazing plankton in bio bay lighting up when the water moved. I couldn't stop looking at and admiring the water until I was distracted by the amazing sky...and then I was distracted by the water. 

Zahra captures it way better than I do. 

http://latitude.blogspot.com/2016/08/magic-in-water-magic-in-sky.html?m=1

Today, I had the most idyllic beach experience I've ever had. The water was the perfect temperature, gentle, and crystal blue.   The weather was perfect and we had a small stretch of beach on this hard-get-to island seemingly just to ourselves. 

I hope these are the experiences Yusuf and Nooriya will remember forever. I will. 

But as I reflect on the last couple days, I realize this may not be what the kids remember.  This was an amazing experience, but it did require the kids to wait and be patient a LOT. And that's not the thing that comes naturally to them. 

They complained and complained loudly, but they also made the best of it. Despite the what must have seemed like random instructions to wait and to "not do that" and the many "talks" I gave them about attitude and shukur, they sometimes figured out how to have a great time doing whatever with whatever they had.  

I will remember the make-the-best-of-it attitude they made so clear to me. And I'm pretty sure they'll remember me being with them on vacation as much as the amazing experience we were able to give them this last day. 

Thanks Nooriya for smiling so much and alhamdolillah for letting me see it so clearly. 

Rainbow

I was up early and tired at the thought of going to work.  Imediately I was thinking about all the stuff I have to do once I get to work.

I rushed through my morning routine and started my drive to work.  I saw a rainbow.  It was faint at first and then became clearer as I focused on it.  It was beautiful and a great reminder to look a little closer.

And then...I saw a second rainbow!  Taher, sometimes you just have to open your eyes and look for the rainbow.  Look closely and there'll be more than one.

Ramadan

I've read and learned some things and that have had me thinking about what I want to focus on this year. I'm having a hard time finding a single word to describe it. The closest I can think of is "steer". It does a good job of helping me frame my thoughts about another topic, control. 

I recently learned about the importance of the perception of control and how that influences the brain. Specifically, the perception of control influences the ability to motivate ourselves. Basically, if you think and reinforce your thinking to believe something is not in your control then it won't be. For example, if I say to myself, "I'm not able to climb that mountain because I was born without being able to" I won't try to.  Instead, just framing this a bit differently, "I took one step, I can become strong enough to take another" can give me the motivation to be to be stronger.  If I believe I did it then I can do more. This realization has changed the way I will interact with Yusuf and Nooriya when trying to motivate them. 

The perception of control is an exercise in framing a situation. I'm realizing more and more that so much is in my control. There ain't no mountain....

I've also read a book that had me thinking about time and how we think about it. It also forces me to think that once we didn't count it at all. There are some words of the author I want to remember 

---

Consider the word “time.” We use so many phrases with it. Pass time. Waste time. Kill time. Lose time. In good time. About time. Take your time. Save time. A long time. Right on time. Out of time. Mind the time. Be on time. Spare time. Keep time. Stall for time. There are as many expressions with “time” as there are minutes in a day. But once, there was no word for it at all. Because no one was counting...And [then] everything changed.

---

As with so many times before in my career, I'm bogged down with work and I'm climbing out of some mental cave to get perspective on what's more important. Recently, I was witness to something in some one else's life that was way more important. He even showed me the state of his work and reminded me that wasn't very important. 

I've spent a couple days thinking carefully about what's more important and it's in my control to steer my thoughts to what's more important while I have time (since I can't help counting the time).

washing the dishes

Last night we had a bunch of our family over for dinner.  It went great and it's so nice to make the connection to family stronger.  It's also great to have more people come to my house and make stronger the association that this is is where Zahra, Yusuf, Nooriya and I live.

I woke up and found a sink full of dishes.  I started washing them.  All I was doing was washing them.  Not so we could use them again, but JUST washing them.  The last several weeks have been full of planning for this or getting ready for that.  I spent so much energy preparing one way or another for the future.  I was always on the move mentally or physically or both.

Then I started washing the dishes this morning.  It anchored me in time and I was so appreciative of dirty dishes.  Thanks dishes.

I need to wash the dishes more often.

bracelet

I thought my bracelet wearing days were over.

A couple weeks ago, though, Nooriya made a rainbow loom bracelet.  I had thought her rainbow loom days were almost gone.  I thought she had moved past bracelets.

She came to me and gave me the bracelet she made using pink and green rubber bands.  As she gave it to me she explained, "Pink is my favorite color and green is yours."  I've been proudly wearing it since.

It's on my wrist now and it reminds me that I have this strong bond with the kids even though they may not show it the way they used to and that they're not "too" old yet.

Thanks Nooriya.  The bracelet is one of the most meaningful possessions I have.

Fresh

and excited. We moved into our house finally. 

It feels amazing. I woke up the first morning and got ready for the day, but everything was new. I didn't know what the light switches operated or which way to turn the handle for hot water.  It sounds annoying, but it forced me to pay attention to every detail.  Everything is so new. I'm noticing so much and I'm so aware. Taher, it shouldn't take moving houses to feel like this. 

The house is so beautiful. It is the nicest place I've ever lived and things are coming together so well. EVERYTHING inside is just like I want it. The location is in between all the places I go. The house is set up for all the stages of life. It's perfect.

It's fantastic and I appreciate this whole house experience so much. But it's made it really clear to me that it doesn't matter much. I already had all the things that really matter. Taher, don't lose sight of that. 

Nooriya lost her first tooth tonight and we moved into our new home just in time;)

Happiness, Boredom, Little things...

I have some random thoughts on happiness, boredom, little things, and other miscellaneous "stuff" I want to write down and remember.  This may be more stream of consciousness than anything.

I have been super busy lately.  I can't really articulate what has been keeping me busy.  I guess that's just indicative that it's not that important.  I've been too busy to really even write this down.  I was reflecting on boredom as part of being so busy.  Ironically, I've been too busy with stuff and mentally busy to be bored lately.  Lately, I feel I've been filling the time so that I can avoid being bored.  That's dumb.  It's good to be bored and know how to deal with that.  Dealing with being bored is something we teach the kids how to deal with.  Be bored more Taher.

Despite my best efforts, lately it's been difficult to pay attention to the little things. I've at least been aware of this deficiency. I've been lucky to have the reminder  of the kids asking me, "abba can you [fill in the blank] with me?"  It's tempting to answer with something other than YES!  Sometimes other stuff gets in the way, but far more often than anything else the response should be YES!  Before long the kids won't ask much. Taher, this is life and don't let other stuff get in the way.  

I've been learning some stuff about happiness.  We are somewhat predisposed to be happy. This "equilibrium" is roughly half of our happiness or unhappiness. It's not that exact, but it's a lot. Fortunately, there's half or so that's not predisposition.  New meaning for seeing the glass half full. Taher, the glass is half full. 

Also, I learned that kids who have happy parents are more likely to be happy. That's pretty awesome motivation to figure out how to be happier. Do it for the kids Taher;)

Priorities

I'm rereading a book I read long ago.  It's by a physicist and one of my favorites.  This time I'm taking away two main points from the book I think the author is making - things are random and humans are not made to understand randomness.

The book opens with a perspective on randomenss that's quite beautiful.  The author writes it really well, "the outline of our lives, like the candle's flame, is continuously coaxed in new directions by a variety of random events that, along with our responses, determine our fate."  He starts with a story about how his parents may never have met if not for some "chance" event.  The story is beautiful and results in me reading this book, but I don't...can't accept his descriptions of events as random.

This last couple weeks for me have been filled with stuff that has ranged the spectrum from unbelievably good to tragic.  This last couple weeks included the family getting to be with Moula during ashara and the terrible news of people close passing away.  Lots of feelings and words come to mind.  A lot of things came together, but never have I felt it was random.

Recent events have forced me to block out distractions and think about what's important and how I got here.  It's not an accident; it's not random.  Today's experience at masjid helped me see that clearly.  A stranger was there to help mumineen when they needed help.  He selflesssly helped them.  He came to masjid today and saw how many people's lives he touched with his actions.  You get what you give Taher whether you see it or you don't.

I disagree with the author's premise that things are just random.

The author's second point that humans are not made to understand randomness.  Our brains just aren't wired to understand.  The arguements are specific to making decisions and using the available information, but I think the point is more universal.

Humans are not made to understand.

Taher, remember your priorities.  Love is part of all the important ones even though love is someting you'll never truly understand.

Grasshopper

This morning was pivotal.

Nooriya and I have our Saturday morning tradition of making pancakes. I love it and I don't even like pancakes.   We've been doing pancakes together on Saturdays for as long as I can remember.  Long before we started making them.

We have our routine down.  She helps me get the stuff out.  She helps me mix.  She no longer needs her handy instructions.  I look forward to it and so does she.  The first thing she says to me on Saturday is, "Abba, can we make pancakes?".  She asks not sure what the answer is going to be.  Nooriya, should you ever read this the answer will never be no.

Today, she blew my mind.  She dubbed me the "helper" and herself the "baker".   What?!  I thought I had like 10 more years!  It was mostly the same, but it felt different.  One of the many times I have had to let go a little and one of the, hopefully, many times to come.

She still needs me and Yusuf still needs me.  Taher get out of their way and be their "helper" while they need you to.  One day it will be their choice.

Pissed off 2

It's been a couple days.  I'm not angry anymore.

I'm over it, but I wish I could say that I don't spend any energy on what made me upset.  I wish I could stop thinking about it completely.

This morning Yusuf and I were sitting together and noticed something right outside the window.  A small bird was wrestling with what looked like a blade of grass.  The bird was so small and insignificant.

I took a closer look and noticed the blade of grass was actually a smaller and more insignificant bug that the bird was having for breakfast.  It is gruesome to think about, yet so natural.

This scene had layers and gave me good perspective.  I'm small and insignificant and so are the two jerks that set me off.  My experience, while unpleasant, was natural, small, and insignificant.  And it happened and now it's over.  Move on Taher.

Pissed off

I got so angry today.  More angry than I can remember being.  It has been awful feeling like this.

I confronted the two jerks that set me off.    I lost it.  I was so angry that I was shaking.  I literally could not control my body.  I was aggressive though I didn't yell or scream.  The whole thing lasted maybe 10 minutes and afterwards I wished I had been more aggressive and meaner.  It's been hours, but I'm angry as I write this and it's still easy for me to see that my previous sentence is just ugly.   Meaner?!

I'm not proud of my behaviour today.  I'm not proud of my inability to calm down right now.

This is the part I want to remind myself should I ever feel this way again.

I have tried to calm down though; I've tried to focus on the positive.  It's been hard to focus, but it's important for it to be hard sometimes.  There's as much to be thankful for as when it is easy to focus, alhamdolillah.  Remember what Zahra tells the kids, if someone is mean that's their problem.

Also remember Taher, stuff happens and being angry sucks.

milestones

I've been thinking a lot about milestones.  I've been thinking both about what mine are and what they mean.

School is starting and it's making me nostalgic.  I'm thinking about the reference points in my life so far graduations, meeting Zahra, the kids' first steps and more.  I quickly come up with a long list.  I count the kids' milestones as mine too:P

I put this list together and quickly see that there are almost no milestones I count related to work.  There are two - both times I quit:P

I want to remind myself is that I've already been lucky enough to have lots of positive milestones and hopefully many to come including our soon to-be-ready house.  Almost none of them come from work.  Yet, work gets a disproportionate amount energy from me.

Taher, even when work seems to be so important remember that it barely makes the list of important stuff.

Pancakes

I don't love eating pancakes, but I love making them. Every Saturday and sometimes on Sunday too Nooriya and I make pancakes. It's wonderful. I'm up early, it's peaceful, and it's something the kids and I look forward to. I'm not much of a cook but Nooriya tells me I could be a chef at IHOP;)

We've developed this routine and it makes me feel great. I have come to realize that it's not the pancakes or the making the pancakes with Nooriya or even the routine; I crave the good feeling, the high, I've been lucky enough to associate with the feeling with the kids and Saturdays. 

I want to more consciously associate this feeling with the things that are really important to me, Zahra and the kids. I don't want to waste that feeling on things like work or other "distractions". 

At work I have a twice yearly process I have to write down my goals and priorities for the year and assess them.  I usually think of this as HR BS and office drudgery. 

My goals should be simple and I will do well to read this at least twice a year. 

This is Nooriya's pancake recipe. I love it!!!

(Pancake mix

Dood 

Cinnamon 

Mix)

Smile

It's been a long day. Tonight, Yusuf is giving bags of candy to some friends. It is wonderful to watch I can't help but smile. 

Smile Taher.

Just a reminder. 

First namaz

Yesterday in our soon to be house we did namaz for the first time. The house was still very rough around the edges and there was construction debris covering much of the floor. 

It was amazing. It was the first of hopefully many to come with family. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that so many things had come together in life. It was the culmination of all that and the beginning as well. 

Since I was "young", I've had the feeling that the best stage of life was just starting and was just around the corner as well.  

Alhamdolillah. 

Taher, don't rush to get around the corner. 

Madeleine

Iftar today was Madeleine cookies, a kind Yusuf and Nooriya love. Yusuf is a big kid now and he does namaz with the other kids now which is a bit sad for me that he's getting bigger and bigger.  But he still comes back to do Iftar with me. 

I watched him enjoy his cookie. He was focused and really enjoyed what he was doing. I doubt there was much else on his mind. He was in the moment and distracted by nothing. I wished I could feel what he was feeling, but I'm so glad just to watch and notice. Alhamdolillah. 

There's too much that's almost always going on. So much that I feeI I need a vacation from it all. Yusuf and Nooriya remind me that I don't need a vacation. Sometimes just a cookie;) 

Better

I get a lot of time to think during Ramadan. There's so much peaceful time just sitting.  Just sit more often Taher.

I've been thinking about the many things going just right. I'm often reminded that it's not that way for everyone and I think Alhamdolilah. I also think "I wish it could just be like this all the time". 

Things are good, but all this time spent reflecting in Ramadan so far is helping me remember it's still relative. I'm remembering I can be better and it's not good enough to just be the same, whatever that may be.

Don't be complacent Taher, there's always room to improve. 

Adjacent Possible

My involvement with the Casualty Actuarial Society recently started.  I'm on a council tasked with changing the professions culture to be innovative.  I've spent the last couple months learning about what innovation is and all the companies out there that have this illusive quality.  It's really a pretty cool job; I'm helping change the whole profession to be more relevant and shed the image of the stereotypical actuary that is nerdy and is not effective because they lack some important social skills.  I'm the perfect person for the job:P

There's good reason the innovation quality is illusive. There are many "experts" and I work with a consultant who I assume is pretty expensive.  I've read a lot.  It sounds like lots of buzz words so far and not much substance.

I changed my mind all of a sudden.  Well sort of; innovation is pretty intangible. I read something that resonated and I want to write it down.  I've spent much time thinking about taking things step by step and how that gets me to a place far from where I began.

I read about an idea the author coined "the adjacent possible".  The author barely referenced coming up with ideas and innovation buzz words.  He talked about nature.  It's about how things don't just *happen*.   It's rare in nature and in ideas that things "ahead of their time".  There are steps that need to happen to get from one place to another.  "Doors" need to be opened for other "doors" to be reachable.

There's no skipping.  Taher, keep opening doors.

Hubble

The Hubble telescope just celebrated its 25th anniversary. It's being hailed as the greatest scientific achievement. I've been reading about it in the many news stories commemorating it. Some cool facts I've learned are:

It can see a dime from 25 miles away

It's public and anyone can request to use it

It can see 13.4 billion miles away

It takes pictures in black and white 

It's moving at 5 miles per second 

In short, it's amazing. Coincidentally, I'm reading a Sci Fi book written years before the Hubble went into space. It has awesome and beautiful descriptions of space and things that we can only imagine. The book describes well things that we don't know are there. 

The Hubble has let us see things we didn't know were there. There are moons and planets and galaxies we didn't know existed that we can see now. The Hubble inspires belief that just because something isn't apparent yet it will be. 

Both the imagination of the author and the science inspire me to wonder. Taher, don't forget that because you may not understand or see there's more to it. 

texting

Just this week Yusuf started texting.  I'm happy to be on his shortlist of contacts:P

I don't often get to check my messages during the workday.  I checked at lunchtime and I found this gem waiting for me.  If his message is any indication I'm focusing on the right stuff.  Also, I will do well to be open to what Yusuf and Nooriya have to tell me.  Their logic is sometimes simple and flawless.

Ground Breaking

Last week the site of my eventual home was cleared.  There used to be a house there and now it's gone.  Construction has started and now this new house which I've been thinking about and imagining for a while has taken a step that makes the whole thing real for me in a way it wasn't before.

First, Taher you can't think or say Alhamdolillah enough for being able to do this.

I read Zahra's thoughts about this and I feel very much the same.  It got me thinking about all the house stuff I've focused on recently.

Zahra and I have spent alot of time and energy over the last several years talking about and thinking about this home.  It was an idea and all of a sudden it became real for me.  I was aware, on some level, throughout, of thinking about this home and the future.  I would pause and remind myself that I didn't want to focus too much on the future, on the "finish", for fear of not really being present.  I'm happy to realize I wasn't actually focusing on the "finish".

Now that this house is more real I should be more excited.  Just for the record I'm mega excited.  But I've realized now I will miss my time with Zahra thinking about this part of the future.  I will miss making these tiny decisions about small details in the house.  I will miss doing this project with Zahra.

I don't know that I've written down effectively what I want to be reminding myself.  I guess it's simple.

Taher: It's not about the finished product, enjoy the project.

I plan to enjoy the rest of this project.  And then, Zahra, I promise to think of another one:P

Focus

I'm "going through" something that's out of my control.  I'm in my head and I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who cares or really even notices.

I've tried to "solve" the problem many different ways, but I haven't really been successful.

This is good reminder to me that there are many things that seems like a problem I can solve, but they're not really in my control.

It IS in my control to decide what I focus on.  I can spend my energy focusing on my "problem" or I can focus on other stuff.

Connections

I am reminded today that there's lots of distractions and other stuff in life.  The most important things to me are connections with people.

My strongest and most important connection celebrates an 11 year milestone today.

Zahra, thanks for helping me see the difference between important stuff and everything else.

Man in the Mirror

This is one of my favorite songs.  I've heard the lyrics so many times I don't think about them as much as I used to.  I read this and the sentiment was fresh again.  Hopefully, writing it down helps internalize it a little more...

"Wishing to regulate their families, they first cultivated their persons. Wishing to cultivate their persons, they first rectified their hearts. Wishing to rectify their hearts, they first sought to be sincere in there thoughts. Wishing to be sincere in their thoughts, they first extended to the utmost their knowledge."

Game of inches

I've been reading about the criminology Broken Windows Theory and it's made me appreciate a perspective I've tried to stay away from.  Basically, the idea of Broken Windows is fix the little things and big problems will get better.  In New York, the theory was put into practice a while back to clean graffiti and make sure people paid for the subway.  Little things as far as crime in New York goes.

There's lots of statistics that are attractive and lots of data out there saying that this was a good idea. The evidence-based thinking appeals to me a lot.

For a long time, I've been trying not to 'sweat the small stuff'.  I've tried to focus on the big and material things.  Figure out what's important and don't worry too much about the rest.  I am rethinking that.

This theory obviously extends beyond criminology.  The things that stay with me and probably everyone else are the little things.  Every interaction is a chance, an opportunity, to have a great interaction...or a not-so-great one.  Each interaction like a possible baby step to something better; each one a chance to be a better husband, dad, and person.  After a bunch of baby steps I can end up in a very different place.

Maybe the better way to think about everything is pretty much the opposite, 'sweat the small stuff'.

Routine

Zahra has written about our morning routine a couple times.  It's had me thinking more and more about my routine...

I have read about the physical and mental health benefits of kids having a routine.  There are many.  I'm very happy to help make a routine for them.  I try to do many things with them regularly and even daily.  It seems to be working.  The kids know what to do and what's expected.  We've made it pretty structured.  I've watched them grow and enjoy the routine.

I've become aware lately that I really appreciate this routine.  Making a routine for them has become as much a part of my day as theirs.  It compartmentalizes the parts of my day and gives me the ability to focus better on what's happening now.  I look forward to the parts of my day that I get to share with Zahra, Yusuf, and Nooriya.  Compartmentalizing the other parts of my day lets me truly be there more.  That makes it even better.

I get routine in a way that I didn't before and it makes me realize how important it is for me to be a part of their routine.

Fresh start

This past two weeks have not been the nice and comfortable routine I've come to love.  The kids are off from school, I'm home with Zahra and the kids most of these last two weeks of the year.  I had been making plans to spend lots and lots of family time; just the four of us.  My world has become so sharply focused on the four of us lately.

The surprise of dad's heart condition changed those plans.  Family and friends descended upon him.  The circumstances weren't great, but a lifetime of connections were reestablished.  I saw familiar faces of those I see often and those I haven't seen for some time.  Even many faces that were new to me.  I was asked to pass on salaams from so many people; I even can't remember how many.

I was so pleased with the family response.  And with the support I got to be there; thanks Zahra:) It is tiring, but so much easier not being in it alone.  Alhamdolillah, dad has come through with flying colors and in a few weeks he'll feel like he has a new lease on life.

Last night, he came home after 11 nights in the hospital.  He came home to a full house of sons, daughters and grandkids.  Looking around and taking it in, dad took my hand and cried some tears of joy and told me how he's so happy and he wants our family to continue together for generations to come.  I absorbed what I can only guess is a fraction of the perspective he was sharing.  It was a beautiful moment.

It's sometimes challenging being an adult and having parents.  My dad did something right for a long time though.  I had this unconscious desire (probably instilled over a long time) to be around and help however I could.  Strong enough that I believe it's Zahra's desire too.  It's got me thinking about what I have to do to have the same thing many years from now.  I want to be able to look around years from now and be surrounded by my people.  Minus the heart surgery:P

At 74, dad is still teaching me.

Let me fix that for you

I was drawing with Nooriya.  Mostly I was sitting with her and just spending time with her while trying to block out the rest of the world.  We do this all the time; it's awesome.  This time she had me draw a bird.  I did.  She proceeded to erase it completely and say to me, "let me fix that for you".  And then later she said, "you just sit there and I'll take care of it".

Then later Yusuf did something all by himself that I'm used to helping him with.  It's been happening over time, but today it hit me all of a sudden.  Yusuf and Nooriya aren't little anymore.  I know that'll be a ridiculous thing to read when I come back in years when they're actually big.

All of a sudden it was them trying to take care of me when I'm so used to trying to take care of them.  I gather I'll never stop trying.  I'm not sure what my point is, but I do want to write down this memory and come back to read this.

My family is somehow getting even better.

Tortoise and the hare

I've heard this story many many times over the years. It's pretty simple and I've absorbed the message a little bit more every time. It's a nice reminder, but there's really nothing new. "Slow and steady wins the race". Pretty simple. 

I heard another telling recently that has given the story a deeper meaning  for me. The story continues after the race. The hare is in the hospital disgruntled and upset. He's just been diagnosed with cancer. The tortoise visits the hare in the hospital. Old friends talking about the race. The hare can't accept that he could be dying; he is a racer and just ran a race. Their conversation is great and it ends with the tortoise blowing the hare's mind letting him know "it was never a race".

Close call

I had a very close call this morning. A possibly life ending moment. It's a couple hours later and my heart is still racing. 

The details are irrelevant now. I'm of two minds even writing this. I'd just as soon forget or pretend like it didn't really happen. 

I had a rare second-chance moment.  Everything important came into focus and everything else faded. I was jarred into realizing most of the stuff on my mind faded away. 

I'm sooooooo lucky to have a second chance. I'm pretty sure third chances are much more rare. I'll just come back and read this. 

Awesomeness Factor

I've been reading up about positive illusions after hearing about it.  It basically means having a really good attitude about something....unreasonably so.  It's thinking that somethings are disproportionately above average.  I come across this at work all the time.  My math and economics background tell me to take this optimism with a grain of salt.  I am quick to discount when I hear rose-colored predictions at work.

Apparently, there's more to this.  Some psychology study concluded thinking someone is great is a predictor of a good relationship.  And this is a poem I want to come back and read

Love to faults is always blind,
Always is to joy inclin'd,
Lawless, wing'd, and unconfin'd,
And breaks all chains from every mind.
--William Blake

AND like some cool Yoda-mind-trick if you think something is awesome it will be even  more awesome.  That's kind of amazing at first, but then...duh.  All that's required is thinking something is awesome.

Zahra you're awesome and you'll somehow be awesome-er tomorrow.  Thank you and you're welcome:P

Giving Tree

I recently heard about a kids book called 'The Giving Tree'.  This is the Wikipidea entry.

Wiki describes the plot
---

The book follows the life of a female [apple] tree and a boy who are able to communicate with each other; the tree addresses the human as "Boy" his entire life. In his childhood, the boy enjoys playing with the tree, climbing her trunk, swinging from her branches, and eating her apples. However, as time passes he starts to make requests of the tree.

After entering adolescence, the boy wants money; the tree suggests that he pick and sell her apples,he does and sells them. After reaching adulthood, the boy wants a house; the tree suggests he cut her branches to build a house, which he does. After reaching middle age, the boy wants a boat; the tree suggests he cut her trunk to make a boat, which he does, leaving only a stump.

In the final pages, the boy (now a shriveled old man) wants only "a quiet place to sit and rest," which the stump provides. The story ends with the sentence "And the tree was happy."

---

The story can be interpreted many ways.  It can be interpreted simply as good or bad.  It can be interpreted as a metaphor for many things I think.

The story is simple in a way.  It reminds me that it's my decision to interpret this however I choose.  The story reminds me more generally that the way I see things is in my control.  

It's easy for me to see this as story between a parent and a child.  I think of Yusuf and Nooriya and how I get to be with them everyday.  I'm not in a hurry to skip forward, but I'm sure the story ends with me being happy...no matter what.  I plan to come back for this reminder over the years when it might not be so clear.

This post happens to coincide closely with Nooriya's birthday.  Five!  I remember when it was JUST four.

Hurry up and slow down

Today I had an especially busy morning and I let myself get caught up in the busyness.  I rushed from here to there and back many times both physically and mentally.  It was exhausting, but I had some time planned to slow down and relax.  It's Friday and I had my class to relax just after lunch.

My morning continued to be busy and of course bled into lunch.  I had just enough time to shovel from food into my face so I could get down to relaxing.  I just needed to hurry up and eat.

It was mid-way through my lunch that I realized how ridiculous this was.  I was kind of stressing out about my relaxing time.  I still couldn't snap out of it, but at least I was self-aware.  I hope I can come back to this memory and snap out of it when I need to in the future.

I was doing today in a very small way what I don't ever want to do...I was just trying to get to [Fill in the blank].  I don't want to miss what's happening now because I'm waiting to get past some milestone or whatever.

I did make it to class on time:P.  The class wasn't as good as it would have been if I'd been a little more mellow to start with.  You get what you give:P

One more hour

The other day Yusuf asked me why there aren't 25 hours in a day.  I explained some stuff about the sun rising and the earth spinning.  I'm sure it wasn't very satisfying to hear.  I wasn't very satisfied explaining.

His question was less about science and more him wondering why he couldn't stay up past bedtime and do more fun stuff.  This has stayed with me for a couple days.

And last night I was about an hour late getting home.  It was due to a combination of meetings and traffic.  I got home later than usual and I couldn't participate like normal.  The kids had already eaten and were already winding down from their day.  I felt robbed.  I felt like my night was stolen.

I thought about Yusuf's question again and I asked myself another one.  Why aren't there 23 hours in a day?  It would suck if the day was shorter.  I have 24 hours a day to spend however.  I'll be home on time tonight!

Meditation class

Work offers a meditation class.  It's more of a close-your-eyes-and-relax class.  I was going for a few months and then I took the summer off.  I re-joined the class and the first class was great.  I felt as if I hadn't truly relaxed for a while afterwards.

The class is pretty simple.  Sit, close your eyes, and breathe deeply.  There is an "instructor".  He basically just repeats, "be aware of..." over and over.  It sounds silly as I write about it, but it's actually a really fantastic half hour every week.

The class is relaxing because it is about being aware of right now.  I can't help but think about the all the good things right now.  I shouldn't need a class or an 'instructor' for that:P

1435

Every Ramadan without fail several people say to me some variation of, 'Fasting is so hard.  I could never...aren't you hungry?'  My usual response is something along the lines of, 'it's really not so much about food' or 'the not eating part really isn't that hard'.

Each year I try to focus on something during Ramadan.  One or two things that I want to improve or at least be more aware of.  In past years, this has been mostly mental.  This year my focus is mostly physical; my focus is food.  So much of what the things I listen to are about how to balance deen and dunya.  Food is both.

I tell people every year that Ramadan is not really about food, but this year it's a big part of it for me.

I waste a lot of food.  I want to waste less.  Every meal that I don't finish my food, I waste it.  The wastefulness is pervasive and affects so many aspects of life.  In me, wastefulness breeds an undeserved attitude of entitlement and privilege.  I want every time I eat to be a reminder that I have so much.  Rather, I have just the right amount; the amount I am supposed to have.  No more.  No less.  It's up to me to take the right amount.

Really, I'm trying to be mindful of food.  This hopefully translates into being mindful about other things.  Be mindful year round Taher.

I believe that I'll get what is coming to me.  No more, no less.  It's up to me to be happy with whatever that is.  Taher, let every time you eat be a reminder.

Acceptable Costs

I've trained myself to think in economic terms about many things.  At work, I almost reflexively think about things in terms of their utility and the acceptable costs.  Basically, I look at most things in terms trying to make them better.

At work...

But I want to put this thinking into more of my life.  At work I've come to realize that perfect is the enemy of better.  I don't spend too much time trying to get something just right and have that stand in the way of things getting better.  It's natural for me to use this "economic" thinking at work, but for some reason this kind of approach doesn't kick in automatically when it's not work.

I have what I expect to be a stressful day coming up.  There are lots of things to keep track of, lists and lists:P  I've had many stressful days before and hopefully many still to come.  I'm already anticipating being a bit stressed out.  I'm trying to remember that's ok.  I want to be stressed out a little less than last time I had a stressful day.  As long as I'm better than the last time, that's a victory.

I'll come back in a couple days and read this in the morning.  Hopefully, I'll come back for this reminder the next stressful day after that...

The goal for today isn't perfection; it's better than yesterday.

starless sky

I heard a physicist talk about the universe expanding.  It was a pretty cool and a little bit geeky, but still accessible to me.  It was fascinating.  I read more about the work that is the basis for the talk.  A couple guys won a nobel prize a couple years ago for showing that universe is not only getting bigger, but that things the universe is accelerating away from itself.

The force moving stars apart is stronger than the gravity holding them close.  This means that eventually that stars will be moving away from us so fast that they will be going the speed of light (or faster even?).  If stars in the sky are going away from us at the speed of light then their light will never reach us.  The sky will eventually just be dark!  This might not be news, but I read it with gravitas.

It's pretty amazing to be here NOW.  There are countless cliches about living right now and in the moment.  They're sometimes inspirational and often overused and ineffective.  I read about this discovery and found it pretty inspirational.  One day the world will be different.  One day we actually won't be able to see stars in the sky.  I'm glad that's not today.  Things are pretty good today.

throw up memory

This was one of the first things I wrote ten years ago.  This memory is still vivid.  I still remember how I felt when I wrote this.  I had no idea then.

Yesterday at masjid Yusuf got sick in the middle of Ishaa.  It was the second raqaat and I immediately broke my namaz to take care of him.  Fortunately, he was feeling much better in a matter of moments.  I ran around and cleaned him up and assured him that everything was ok.  Luckily, the mess was almost entirely on our masallas.  I cleaned it up and was pretty immune to the grossness that the person next to me in namaz probably saw and smelled.  But phew, Yusuf was feeling good and eventually everything was rinsed and less smelly.

Fast forward to a few hours later on our way home and he got sick again in the car still about 10 minutes from home.  Fortunately again, he seemed to feel much better within moments.  The car though, is not a great place to be sick.  We got home way after bedtime with a bunch stuff that we had to do all of a sudden.  The kids now needed a bath and a bunch of laundry to do.

Zahra and I got the kids all cleaned up and put to bed and then had to deal with the car.  The mess was everywhere and it was now raining outside.  Great.  I took the car apart and cleaned for what seemed like a pretty long time.  Again, I was seemingly immune to the grossness.  A neighbor walked passed and observed me cleaning vomit out with lots and lots of wet wipes.  I can only imagine what he must have been thinking.

Last night was pure love.  Taking care of Yusuf is so instinctual for us.

Yesterday was a day I that I will remember for a long time I imagine.  When Yusuf is older it's going to be one of those stories I tell over and over.  I expect people will indulge me and act as if it's a story they've never heard before just because I'm so fond of telling it.  They'll listen just the way I have patiently listened to a few people I love tell the same stories over and over because I love watching them remember fondly.

I've got some idea now, but probably still just an inkling.  I've learned something over and over the last ten years...my reward for love is more love.

What are we going to do today?

Zahra has been gone this week and it's been me and the kids for six days so far. I'm a little exhausted, but in the most fulfilling way. I've been keeping the kids so busy with fun stuff that they've hopefully been distracted a bit from the fact the person most important to them is away for a week. I'll count it a victory if they were even a little bit distracted. 

Today I was rushing around trying to get the kids to madrasa. After dropping them I stopped to finally eat something today. 

I noticed a group of retired guys having a leisurely breakfast. I remember seeing the same older guys last week and remember thinking, "That's so nice. I hope I have a nice regular get together with some friends when I'm retired."

This morning I sat within earshot of them.  Feeling a bit ragged from the week, I shoved breakfast in my mouth so I could get to the next place on time. 

These guys were clearly taking their time and one of them said' "Well, what are we going to do today?"  He said it with such wonder. He said it open to the huge potential of what today and right now could bring. He wasn't talking about next summer or next month or next weekend or even tomorrow. 

I was jealous of how in the present they were and also keenly aware at that moment that I wasn't. 

Theres so much to learn from all around. Keep your ears open Taher. 

One percenter

I am looking around at my house which is mostly packed up at this point. We are almost all ready to move in a couple weeks. I'm taking a moment to take it in. We have a beautiful house. In a few weeks we GET to move into an even more beautiful house. In another year and some change we GET to move into a different beautiful house. 

I often look around me and feel I've won a lottery. I GET so much. In this moment I'm remembering that I GET so much more than I WANT. I think I've  won the lottery because I already have all that I want. And I still get more. 

I recently was solicited for some work. It's nothing now, but it could become something. The potential is great, but I will do well to remember that I have all I want already. 

I'm ALREADY in the top 0.1% of happy people. 

Nooriya's ballet teacher is made an exception to the usual "no parents" rule and letting me watch today!  I even got to do the silly dance😍

Teaching goes both ways

Over pancakes this morning Yusuf suggested putting whip cream all over the floor and then going sledding.  And I didn't answer, but he asked 'why not?' in response to my instinctual facial reaction. 

I LOVE that Yusuf and Nooriya think fun first and practical later or not at all😄. I'm jealous. 

They have lots to teach. 

Waiting for the memories

I just finished driving up route 1 with the family and it was BEAUTIFUL.  Every few minutes there seemed to be a vista to stop and take in the views.  Vistas a few minutes apart weren't even enough.  It was wondrous and so beautiful...and so easy to appreciate on vacation.  That last part is kind of sad.

I wrote this almost a decade ago.  It was when Zahra and I first moved to Bangkok.  We visited a bunch of the sites and there was one memory that so vividly returned as we drove along the coast. 

We saw a flower market.  It was beautiful just like this drive was beautiful.  There were thousands upon thousand of flowers and all different colors.  The flowers were overflowing and there were so many petals that some fell in the gutter and were floating to the sewer.

The market was bustling and people were going from here to there doing their work.  They seemingly had become immune to this explosion of color and beauty.  I also vividly remember how I felt.  I had my new camera and resolved then to not stop noticing and trying to capture the wonder around me.

A LOT of great stuff has happened for me this last decade; most of the stuff wasn't on vacation.  I re-resolve to have my proverbial camera ready (and my phone camera) to capture the memories and beauty right in front of me everyday.

Random hug

I picked up a random book from the bookshelf.  After reading a few pages that seemed oddly familiar I realized that I had read this back in my school days and it was one of my contributions to the library.  It's a mathy book so it didn't take long to realize:P

The book has some interesting analogies about different ways to think about randomness.  I've learned and thought a lot about the random nature of things since I last read this.  All sorts of things happen from the everyday to the unthinkable.  Some things are expected and some things are a complete surprise.  There are all sorts of adjectives that could apply like beautiful, horrible, catastrophic, wondrous, and the list could just go on.

Thinking about randomness and expectation occupies much of my workday.  At work, I mostly spend my time thinking about bad things that could happen.  I make sure that I spend more time in the day thinking about good things that have happened.

I've come to the conclusion that there's really two main views - thinking things are just random or thinking things happen for a reason.  The first thinking is based in part that stuff just happens and there's little to no relationship or meaning.  The other end of the spectrum is thinking there's a plan and an order.  Things that happen follow a pattern and they are predictable.

No matter what the view the same things happen.

The book has a very illustrative story that helped me to see just how much where a person falls on this spectrum is a matter of choice.

---
A person walks past a wall with seemingly random holes in the wall and thinks nothing of it.  Another person comes by and draws a target around each hole with each hole as a perfect bulls-eye and then marvels at the wall.
---

I find myself drifting on this spectrum.

When it comes to Zahra, Yusuf, and Nooriya I'm usually the giver of hugs. Today I got random hugs from all of them!  That's a bulls-eye.

Where is everyone?

At work and in my statistics education I am asked a lot to think about what will happen.  This is mostly math-y and a lot of scribbling on paper.  It's all pretty nerdy and uninteresting to most, at least when I talk about it.

I've learned over time in work and study the truism that something doesn't happen until it happens.  At work the unthinkable storm or earthquake or fire or event happens and it happens often.  It happens every couple years unfortunately and is still a surprise to most people.

Another truism that I often hear comes to mind, we don't know until we know.  I believe we can get so used to something that we are unaware of what's around us on so many levels.  Someone once explained a sort of complicated physics concept with a parable of a fish in the ocean.  The fish is in the middle of the ocean.  It never sees the shore or the sky or the ground.  All the fish knows is water; it doesn't know there is a world it doesn't know...until it knows.

Wondrous.

The difference between a theory, a law, an axiom, a hypothesis, a conjecture is sometimes very slight and things fit in these categories.  The things in those categories can change over time as they have over time in many math areas of study and probably physics too.  Being one or the other is a matter of knowing or not knowing.  Sometimes we just don't know yet.

Statistics is used to argue for and sometimes simultaneously against many things.  For example, arguments of scale are often made.  The existence or not of aliens is one of those things where this logic is used.  Earth is so small and there is so much out there.  As a result, there is this overwhelming probability that there's something somewhere.  This last sentence is sound and so full of holes at the same time.  A long time ago, a bunch of smart scientists basically on their lunch hour equivalent talked about this very thing.  A great scientist responded with something like, then where are they?

These are some random thoughts that come together for me.  They all are about wonder.  I forget that there is a wonder here that is the reason I love math and am pretty sure it's why I've always been drawn to it.

The statistics part of me reminds me that we just haven't seen it yet.  I love being Yusuf and Nooriya's parent.  They've renewed a sense of wonder in me the same sense of wonder that motivated me to study in the first place.  Now I wonder what they will see.

A different world

The last few days in Mumbai have been eye opening in many ways.  

There are soooo many people. It's amazing!  They all go about their business seemingly independent of one and other. 

Things here are so different than what I know and I'm so glad to be reminded of that. The people dress differently, eat different foods, and are concerned with different things it seems. Everything looks and feels just different. 

It's shocking at first and seems strange. There's traffic and an energy and I don't see any order...and then I do. There's an energy here and a harmony that's now unmistakable. Everything works. Not like I expect, but it works. 

One reason I'm glad I'm here is that it's opened my mind in a way I had thought it was always open, but really it wasn't. I thought I appreciated different points of view (or at least that there are many of them) and assumed some things universal. I appreciate now that I don't and can't really appreciate how different things can be...and still be in harmony. 

I want Yusuf and Nooriya to be here again and again and understand at a much earlier age what I've just now begun to understand. 

My mind is thousands of miles away from what I'm used to, both figuratively and literally. And I'm the better for it. 

The next generation

I've heard countless stories and recountings of the past from my parents and their generation. Always with some liberties and a little bit of rose colored misremembering I'm sure.  

I heard more stories about humble beginnings and "how things used to be". I usually nod my head and listen and maybe roll my eyes a bit if I'm being honest. This time was different. It was made quite clear for me that I can't TRULY know. I might be able to acknowledge or try to appreciate or something other than those words, but I can't know. 

Usually, I reject the need to have experience in order to have perspective. In this case, I'm rethinking that. I had a way different starting point in my life, mostly because of my parents. Yusuf and Nooriya have a different starting point and a long long long time from now hopefully a much better end too. And that's the dream. I'm pretty sure that's been the dream for generations. 

I can't know what I don't know. I can try to though. I benefit so much from listening to those stories, that history. I think I would be doing Yusuf and Nooriya a disservice if I don't repeat and repeat what a "simpler" and tougher time their parents had.  Even if I get a bit of eye rolling in response.

Business books

I have a growing section of "business" books in the library. The books are full of what seem to me to be a couple simple ideas said over and over in different ways.

I love reading these books. However, they are never about work or business for me. The books always instruct me to figure out what's important and focus on that.  And the books are full of catch phrases and various ways to "be the best".

I've read so many of these books over the years. Each time I read one I stop to think about what's important. And what's important really hasn't changed and it probably never will...that's a sign that it's important. 

Sun through the clouds

I read about this guy who is 88 and made this commitment to walk every day. It's been 18 years. And counting. 

I love his spirit.

----

"Life is about a series of habits, and you can have bad habits that are hard to break and you could also have good habits that are hard to break. If you fill your life with good habits, you should lead a better life," said Gentile

----

I hope I can have this perspective often and for many many years to come. Habits are made over time...and it's never too late to start another. 

Today I tried to teach Yusuf about Inshallah and that we never know what will happen tomorrow. It was a great lesson for me to think about and attempt to articulate. 

Awesomeness

Today Nooriya tackled me and with her arms around my neck as she smiled she told me, "this is the biggest hug ever and I'll never let you out". 

If you ever read this Nooriya, you will never have to let me out:)

Time

Today I listened to a RadioLab podcast on how the dinosaurs went extinct.  It was very science-y and cool.  The podcast talked about lots and lots of cool things like by looking at different types of pollen in a rock it can be determined that a meteor hit the earth in June.  That's pretty precise and pretty amazing.

The part that amazed me most was that it can be determined that the dinosaurs went extinct in roughly two hours.  It took just two hours for the world to end if this theory is right.  Two hours?! I think about different ways that I spend two hours to put this into perspective.  This post basically took 15 minutes.  Yesterday, I spent more than two hours in meetings at work that didn't amount to anything really.  Earlier this week, I spent almost 2 hours commuting to and from work in a single day.  I've spent more than two hours being upset about nothing.

This reminds me that time is precious.  Without warning my time may be cut short.  There's right now that's for certain and that's all.  Make it count Taher.

4 years

Happy birthday Nooriya!  We are having pancakes for breakfast, currently Nooriya's only reliable meal that she finishes with me. Our special breakfasts are coming to and end for now when she goes to madrasa soon.

It's strange being here today. Behind us there's a table of four teenage girls with their high school jackets and talking about whatever teenage girls talk about. There's probably a bit of dad-bashing in there😄. 

Lately Nooriya has been tough. It feels like a glimpse what it will be like in ten years. She acts like a teenager sometimes, but at least this year she's at breakfast with me.

Magical

The other day Nooriya told me, "I drink duud and I get full...it's magical"

It is kind of magical.  So many wondrous systems are around us, like digestion which is pretty complex and cool.  It's so easy to take so many amazing things for granted.  Don't take things for granted.

And Nooriya way to not take this for granted.  But really?! THIS is what you don't take for granted.

1,000 marbles

A friend pointed me to one of those cheesy yet inspiring stories today.  I want to write it down and remember it.

“Let me tell you something Tom, something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities."

And that's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles." "You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years."

"Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900 which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime.

Now stick with me Tom, I'm getting to the important part."

"It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail", he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy."

"So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round-up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear. Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away."

"I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight."

"Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time."

Keep your eye on the ball

I constantly heard this or some variation of this for years when I was in little league. I learned today when the ball goes a little bit fast that it is impossible to keep your eye on the ball. Turns out that really good hitters anticipate what the pitcher is doing in a nutshell and practice. Basically they visualize where the ball will be and get there with the bat. 

I hate sports metaphors, but have always resonated with "keep your eye on the ball". 

Now I'm reevaluating what the metaphor means to me. I think knowing that "keeping your eye on the ball" is not possible makes the metaphor so much more powerful. I can't do it, but if I keep trying I can achieve what I'm trying despite that fact. 

Days, Weeks, Months...

Today is the 22nd consecutive day that I've woken up early and started my day with a workout.  I'm past my physical prime, but I still have it in me to be in great shape.  I feel great.

I made a goal 3 weeks ago to exercise every day after seeing someone else talk about the same goal they had that turned into years.  I've passed the 3 week mark and it's routine now.

Exercise isn't the only thing that's changed.  My brain and stomach have come together and I've chosen better food to eat.  It wasn't really intentional to "fix" my diet, but rather it has been a...consequence.

My point isn't really about exercise or diet or anything specific really.  This exercise thing is reminding me that good choices start one day at a time.  Good habits and routines start from a beginning.  So do bad ones.  Often, too, for me good choices lead to other good choices.  And probably the same for bad ones.

I'm looking around me at my wall of pictures seeing how the important people in my life have changed so much over the days, weeks, months, and years.  My walls of pictures serve many purposes.  One of them is to remind me that things change faster than I realize.  Do good now.  Be good now.  Think about what you have right now.  It will be easier to do/be/think tomorrow.

It's never too late to be great!  (I'm a poet in my spare time:P)

A small step...

NASA made it official, the Voyager crossed into interstellar space.

I wrote about being fascinated by the things the golden record contained in the Voyager.  I am so inspired by its grandness.  It opens my mind further to the giant universe we live in.  At the same time and probably more importantly, it reminds me of my smallness.

I'm also reminded to reach for the stars...literally.

Future

"I have seen the future and it's still in the future"...the future of George Jetson at least.  I'm not quite sure when that quote was written originally, but it us just as relevant now.

I'm rereading a book originally written over 10 years ago that is a compilation of the previous 10 years marvelling at the technology advances in the 90's and also making light of some of our collective notions of the future back then.

As my thoughts often do, they turned toward the family. In a week Yusuf will start kindergarten which just blows my mind and Nooriya is on the verge of reading and doing so many new things.

Yusuf is asking me so many intelligent questions and Nooriya is following his lead. The questions are getting to be too hard for me and we are frequently looking things up in books and Googling. The last few months have been very transformative for me as a parent. Much of my caregiving is becoming teaching and explaining. Less is meeting their basic needs. It's awesome. I am in the best place I've ever been with Zahra too.

I feel much the same as I have for the last twenty years or so. Feeling as if I'm in and just entering the best stage of my life.

Zahra and I think about the future as in the next six months or year, but I don't really think seriously past that.

This book makes so obvious to me how fast things change. I don't know if the author's intent is to push me to dream about the future that might be. If that's the case the author has failed because it is making me focus on right now. Right now is a 'simpler time' just as two years ago was 'simpler' and six year's ago was even 'simpler' and a hundred years.... Inshallah ten years will pass and instead of longing for a 'simpler' time then I will look around and appreciate the simpleness then. And Inshallah ten years after that and ten years after that and ten years....

Life as a zoo

I'm rereading a book I first read almost ten years ago. A small chapter I read fast the first time caught my attention and is packed with lines to remember.

The short passage is about taking care of animals in a zoo. The thinking about animals resonates so much with me about people and ourplace. In essence, the chapter is about escape. This quote sums up the chapter very well.

"Everything in an enclosure must be just right-in other words, within the limits of an animal's ability to adapt"

We parallel animals in a zoo in so many ways. There is one major difference I see. Unlike animals that may try to escape the zoo from something, we are escaping to something.

Attitude and Intention

It's Ramadan and every year I turn inward and think about all that's been given to me and do my best to appreciate it. I think a lot about the illusion of control and everything that really isn't in my control at all. All with the goal of trying hard to be aware of all the things in my life.

The last few weeks and this Ramadan I'm taking the opposite approach. I think so much about what isn't in my control that I forget about what is. My attitude and my intention are the two things I can think of that are truly in my control. Also gifts to be sure, but up to me how to make use of these tools.

This year, alongside remembering all the things that are in my life because of no effort of my own or at most the illusion of my effort, I will remember constantly what is in my control. 

Infinity

I love math because it is full of very abstract concepts with implications about our world once you get passed the foundation stuff.  I'm guessing this is just as true for any of the other sciences that attempts to describe our world.

I'm rereading a book from the bookshelf, "Chaos".  It's probably very boring to most, but I find it fascinating.  The book talks about how the study of chaos began.  If nothing else, I want to remember it is a study fundamentally about perspective.

Nature has this property where no matter how much you zoom in or out things look irregular. A snapshot of a coastline at 1000 feet altitude or 1 millimeter altitude will look pretty much the same. The study of chaos has the central theme that there is a "regular irregularity" to the world.  Mind blown!

Reading this book has also got me remembering the painter's paradox or Gabriel's horn.  Basically, it's a shape that has the property that you could fill it with paint, but never have enough paint to paint the outside.  I learned about this in high school basic calculus and my reaction was probably not much deeper than "this is cool".

The point I want to takeaway from this is to remember in math and in life there are things I can and can't understand AND I need to be aware of that.

Record

I'm taking an interest in digital privacy or lack of.  I'm learning that nothing I write in an email (whether sent or not) or blog or anything digital and connected to the internet isn't mine anymore.  All that (and this) is relinquished by me and recorded.  I have some strong opinions about privacy, but that's not what's on my mind today.

Today, I'm thinking about what kind of trail I'm leaving and what I will continue to leave. I think it's really great that we now have a record to pass down to Yusuf, Nooriya, and next generations.  I also think it's really not great that it's so easy to mold someone's digital historical record this way or that. Just the same way numbers and statistics get skewed and misinterpreted all the time, so too will our records.

A couple of stories in the news right now are taking a people's digital history and compiling them to portray them as this or that.  Technically, I guess they're speaking for themselves which is great, but probably a lot out of context and over many years.  A "regular" guy is a hero or a villain or a genius or a moron depending.

I think back at the last 15 years and all the things I did as a dumb kid without foresight and I'm thankful that not much of that is recorded, at least not that I know of.  I have, though, recorded a bunch of stuff and am concerned that taken the wrong way and out of context.  I know how I would like to be remembered and I hope whatever I leave behind doesn't get twisted into something else.

Prediction

"A prediction that the sun will rise is no more rational than a prediction the sun won't rise...don't blame nature because you are too daft to understand it"

Baye's simple description of the world is rich with philosophical implications. If you believe something 100%, no amount of evidence can convince you otherwise.

Awesomeness

Yesterday Yusuf told me that we "should get a pool in the backyard because it is awesome".

It is awesome.  The more I thought about it his logic is flawless.

I'm going to do more stuff because it's awesome...maybe not a pool though:P

Forward

I read about a solar powered plane that could fly through the night.  The plane is not practical.  It's slow, difficult to maneuver, and has other limitations.  The scientist summed up why all the effort was being put into this project as "breaking the assumptions of what's possible".

It is amazing to think about where we are compared to were not too long ago.  I am amazed by the things I now think possible that I couldn't really imagine just a little while ago.  I write this as both a warning not to fall complacent and a reminder to myself to keep moving towards something.  Anything is possible.

Order out of disorder

I saw this and first thought that it was just cool.



I think back to every summer and seeing fireflies and watching them randomly flicker and remember thinking nothing of it.  I then saw this video of thousands of fireflies flashing in unison.  Amazing.

 Among other places where fireflies live, they flashed in unison on this river in Thailand.  Just discovered, maybe 50 years ago.  In the dark, silent night.  Amazing! and for no one to see.  And they've probably been doing it for thousands of years.

And my immediate assumption is that there is "no one to see".  Subtle, but I realize that my assumption that there should be someone to see, someone to understand is very presumptuous.  My reaction of isn't only wonder and appreciation, it's something more and marked with hubris.  I also think of my definition of the word random.

Random is a human construct, a human definition.  It's an explanation for something that can't be explained.  Just like fireflies who appear to flash randomly one at a time, but thousands together have a pattern.  Random is just a matter of perspective.  Things may appear random to me, but I shouldn't think they aren't without a purpose.

"Cookie time!"

I love having cookies and milk with the kids. Nooriya is learning how to dip cookies in milk, it's a little messy:-)

Saturday mornings

I love my Saturday mornings, most Saturdays in the morning it its just me and Nooriya. Too soon she will go to madrasa too:'(

Who's who

I'm pretty sure I didn't encourage either one of them to say this:-)

"I want to be a builder when I grow up"

"I want to be a princess when I grow up!"