disruption

I may have a decision to make soon or even again some time much later this will be worth thinking back to.  I hope I come back to this post when it comes time to make that decision.

So many times small annoying things happen like being stuck in traffic and I've thought if I only I'd taken the other way or left a few minutes earlier.   Sometime later, hopefully not too long later, I think that I was spared experiencing something bigger and worse and only had to deal with something small and annoying.

I feel blessed to be able to have this perspective at least some of the time.  While this has served me well with the small stuff and my day to day, it hasn't really pushed me to think about my life in the long-term.

In the last couple weeks two things have disrupted normal life so much it has forced me to look closely at the path I'm on now.  There are two different things, but they really make me see the same thing; what it is that I have now.

The first is a job opportunity.  It's not an opportunity really of any substance yet, but a romantic idea of what my career might be like.  If this pans out it could be like waving a magic career wand and getting to this place where I could just open any career door I wanted.  I could take any number of career paths with a bright future and in my mind everything else would just fall into place.

The second is a the family being separated.  Zahra is gone right now and it is the most time we've ever spent apart.  I'm fine and the kids are fine.  Taking good care of them is a tough job, but I'm up for it.  It's just really lonely.  I don't have fun; I'm just doing stuff to pass the time until we're all together again.

I'm so glad these two things happened at the same time.  It has given me the opportunity to think clearly about where our life is headed and could be headed.  I wonder how many things have had to go exactly right for me to have this lucky life.  I could make this career change, but it might mean changing this great thing I've got.  I better not  make the decision seeing only the things I want to see and ignoring the rest.  I am doing my best not to lose sight of why I work in the first place.  My ambitions and aspirations are not career-related, they're life-related.  No matter how tempting the opportunity, if I make a decision that puts career before life I'll regret it sooner or later.  Probably sooner.

Awe

The last few weeks I've had several things remind me of my 'smallness'.

I am learning about Voyager and the Golden Record it carries.  It was launched 35 years ago, and had this amazingly romantic idea. It would carry this small record meant to encapsulate our planet.  On it, there are sounds of so many things including baby's cry, greetings in numerous languages, animal sounds and the brain waves of Ann Druyan who was in love and would later marry Carl Sagan.  The Voyager has been traveling at about 36K mph since it left in 1977.  There are countless stars out there; thousands of stars you can't see for all those that you can and the Voyager won't reach the closest one for another 40,000 years.  The idea that someone or thing might find this and might be able to listen to this and might be able to interpret this is  so enchanting.

Jimmy Carter said so articulately, "This is a present from a small, distant world, a token of our sounds, our science, our images, our music, our thoughts and our feelings. We are attempting to survive our time so we may live into yours.'

A couple weeks back Curiosity landed successfully on Mars a mere 60 million away.  Against the odds, the 7 minute landing controlled and monitored far, far, far, far away was a success and inspired and united a whole world by pushing the bounds of what humans have been given the capacity to do.

The other night I watched a stupid Nick Cage movie that gave some crazy stats about the size of our world and it's expanse of time. There are 1,000,000,000,000 stars in our galaxy and 1,000,000,000,000 galaxies out there, give or take a zero:P  The mathematician in me wonders can our planet be 1 in a 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000...(you get the idea), how romantic an idea is that? In a blink of an eye in universe time there were dinosaurs and in another blink our sun will be burnt out.

And the other night, the biggest thing or rather the thing the put this size in perspective was mom's letter.  I'm a believer in determinism, things happen for a reason.  This amazing experience with this amazing Moula that I'm a beneficiary of, that my kids are a beneficiary of is unbelievable, it is beyond any math or logic.  If I ever think things are random or without purpose, I will feel sorry for myself.

Also, I saw 'The Dark Knight Rises" today for the first of probably many times to come and it was out of this world  AWE-some!

Legacy

I've heard the lore of Aqa Moula's first visit to Chicago in 1978, first utaro at mom and dad's house, but I got a new even more fantastic perspective of it yesterday.

Last night I got to be part of something so special.  I got watch as mom read 'the letter'.  I can't go into the history of the letter too much for fear I would be incomplete and I would not do it justice.  The letter's content and journey has a story that can't be made up and I can only understand as my naseeb to be witness to its reading.

All the stories I've heard before have been from memories and amazing experiences people remember and many of them I've heard second hand.  At the time, mom wrote a letter to her parents in India.  35 years ago India may have well been another planet.  The letter is about 15 pages and rich in detail and emotion.  After many years and some amazing trip, the letter made its way back to mom.

I watched mom read the letter word for word.  It was filled with details like dates, times, the clothes Aqa Moula was wearing, the food Aqa Moula ate and so many more details, details that would have otherwise been lost. As mom read the letter, it was magical.  She was reading, but also reliving every moment and it was moving.

In addition to the letter, Dad had the incredible foresight to document so much of the trip with moving pictures and portraits.  A video camera was no small thing in 1978.

By the end of the 45 minutes, I was so captivated that I could hardly digest what I had just been a part of.  I think about this amazing, amazing thing that mom and dad have to pass down to Aziz and Zahra and as my great luck would have it, me too.

It occurs to me now that mom was round about my age when she wrote the letter.  She was even in just about the same stage of parenthood.  I doubt very that mom and dad could have imagined the legacy they would have to give to us so many years later.  I can't think about Yusuf and Nooriya so many years from now.  It isn't obvious to me the legacy Zahra and I will pass down to them, but I don't want to take it for granted that it will be so valuably documented as mom and dad have been able to do.

Flip book

Zahra and Yusuf went to a movie and Nooriya and I made our own movie/flip book

Missing the point

Move on

Last week I was in a car accident and I just can't get past what did and didn't happen.  The accident happened in an instant, but it's weight on me has been lasting.  My mom and my brothers' two beautiful girls were in the car.  We are so fortunate the accident happened to be minor and most importantly that no one got hurt.

Still, I feel so responsible and I'm finding it a lot to bear.  I don't understand how my brothers have been so awesome and patient, making this a non-event in many ways.  And I don't understand how my dad's first reaction was, "Alhamdollilah, something bad DIDN'T happen". I'm hearing, "there was nothing you could have done; it's not your fault".  I believe that and comprehend that, but I just can't seem to internalize it. 

I'm hoping that writing this will help me process what happened and understand better what's never been in my control.

Memory

I both fear and hope that many of the wonderful memories I have of the last couple years since Yusuf and Nooriya have come will be replaced by lots of new ones.

For when that happens, there's one memory in particular I want to write down.  Nooriya still prefers to drink her milk in somebody's lap.  Usually it's me or Zahra.  Though it's less often that it's me now, and sometime in the near future she may not even want a lap.

She is full of energy all the time, but when she drinks her milk there is a few moments of stillness.  She focuses all her energy on holding your thumb.  She tries to put her thumbnail in between your thumb and thumbnail.  It doesn't hurt, but it doesn't feel nice either.  For some reason, Zahra likes it.  I am not sure why I let her do it.  But, I am sure I want to remember this.

I had no idea...

I've been writing this blog for long enough that I barely recognize the perspective that I used to have.  I wrote this 8 years ago about me palying with my then baby niece.  In it I wrote something suggesting I might understand and appreciate what it means to be a parent and love your kid.  I had no idea.  I've done lots of diapers and been there for pretty much everything that happens in the first 4 years.  I think I can appreciate what a person will do for their kids, though I'll probably look back at this post 8 years and roll my eyes just as much as I did  just now.

I love being able to glimpse the thoughts I had a long time ago.  I'm glad I've been writing these posts.

Early bird

A new morning routine has developed at home over the last couple weeks and it is awesome!  I've made my start a little earlier and at first I was waking up a little groggy, but my new morning is fantastic and well worth getting up early for. 

Every morning Nooriya wakes up and wants me to lie with her in my bed next to her and her Dora doll for a few minutes and she stays with me with me as I get ready for work.  I have very little privacy, but it is well worth it.  Yusuf then joins us and he sits with me while I do Quran.  After we're all (or most of us) are all changed the four of us have breakfast together.

Not to future me: don't mess with the mornings, this start makes my day.

There will come a day...

Today when I left for work Nooriya was in diapers and when I get home from work she won't be.  Potty training starts today.  A small part of me is feeling thrilled that I won't really have diapers in my life.

When Yusuf left diapers I remember being thrilled, we had half as much stuff to carry around and worry about.  It was so liberating.  One kid out of diapers, but we still had one in diapers.  We still had plenty of stuff left.  This time we're getting to almost no stuff to think about. 

On the whole, it'll be nice to not have to do diapers.  But I'm not thrilled; mostly, I'm kinda bummed today.  Today Nooriya starts to not need diapers and changing her diaper is just one less thing she needs from me.

Today diapers...Tomorrow?

Ice Cream Cone

Today I sat across from Yusuf as he devoured an ice cream cone. Relative to him, it was giant and he finished it completely one lick at a time with ice cream all around his mouth when he was done. He says and does so many things that make me think of as older than he is. Watching him eat his ice cream cone was a reminder for me of how small he is and how much I still want to teach him.

I just got back from India and it was a wonderful trip. We made the trip on short notice and I remember deciding whether or not to make the trip about a week before. After coming back and thinking about the last ten days, I can't now understand what the hesitation was. I want to teach Yusuf and Nooriya to make decisions that they will feel good about and remember weeks, months and even years later...without so much hesitation.

Pretend Sleeping

The last few days have been stressful and made many times more stressful with Nooriya constantly screaming. She alternates between loud and very loud.

Yesterday started off like most days waking up very early to Nooriya screaming. After a whiny morning routine of changing clothes, brushing teeth and breakfast, we went upstairs where Nooriya tried to help folding the laundry.

This morning was different. She climbed onto my bed and under the covers. Lying down she's only about 1/5 the length of the bed so she's this tiny person in a giant bed. "Abba! Sleep, abba!" Ok, sure. I'd love to lie down actually, though I'm thinking to myself, "I would have loved some actual sleep a few hours ago."

Pretend sleeping ended up being a 45 minute game most of the time with Nooriya about 2 inches from my face. Every sentence she'd say would start and end with abba just to soften me up a little extra, "Abba, I'm standing abba". It was great; it melted away the stress of the last few days and was worth all the screaming. No actual sleeping though:)

Despite how hard it is sometimes, I love being home. I'm confident that I won't ever need reminding, but just in case...I love being home.

Bonded

The last few weeks for me have been frustrating; Nooriya has been making her preference for Zahra known. Every day is, "I want MAMMI!" at various loud volumes and various stages of crying. And that's awesome; there isn't a single person in the world I would rather her want more than Zahra, including me.

Some days I just look at her and she runs to Zahra. She hasn't sat in my lap to drink milk in a long time. I try not to read into it; she's two. But I can't help feeling that she doesn't want me. She just prefers Zahra.

What the heck?! I make every effort to be around all the time; I have a low stress and low commitment job, I don't have or want "guy" plans, I don't really devote any energy to anything else. I am there for virtually all dinners, bathtimes, bedtime and we do everything as a family. What more can I do; it doesn't make sense to me.

Then yesterday. I was out with Yusuf for a few hours during her nap. When I came home, I was greeted at the door with Nooriya yelling, " I LUW YOU ABBA! I LUW YOU ABBA!" Not long later, she lied in my lap awake for about a half hour. It was as if she was just plugging into me and somehow sending to me a signal of how close she is to me. Message received. And this morning, she slept in and woke up after I left for work. When she woke up she was asking for me.

I hope to come back and read this when I'm frustrated. All the effort is so well worth it. I know there will be many times to come where I'm not on the top of her list. It's comforting to know that she can somehow connect with me and erase my frustration.

Ashura #4

Ashura was yesterday and I'm thoroughly exhausted. It's a good exhausted accompanied by a sense of accomplishment.

#4 because it's Yusuf's fourth ashura. I can remember his first way back when we measured his age in weeks. Now I measure my life by how many ashuras I've had Yusuf with me.

Four years ago we brought this tiny baby to the masjid to show him off. I was so proud to have him. This year I am SO PROUD of him. It was a long, long day for me and probably many more times for him. This year he didn't play; I didn't entertain him. This year he did fakoh the whole day. He did matam the whole day. He said "ya Hussein!" the whole day. And we got to watch two moulas doing vaas together!

I can remember being exhausted that first year too being a brand new parent, a different kind of exhausted, but still exhausted and still comparable. I spent much of ashura this year trying to make Yusuf as much a part of it as I could. I was exhausted then, this year and hopefully many years to come being a parent to Yusuf on ashura.

This year more than others, the bayaans about seizing opportunities and not letting time pass waiting for the 'right' moment resonated so much with me as Yusuf was there with me making me proud.

Taher, spend your time wisely.

Risk and Reward

Stupid title, I know. I'm sure I'll think that when I come back to read this.

Reminder to myslef - these posts are a snapshot of how I feel and I write them down to remind myself later.

Today I feel great. I feel like I've taken a first real step, a big one for me, towards the job situation I really want.

I've written a lot recently about my job and my job situation. I have to be honest with myself here; it's been on my mind more than just recently. My job situation is great with lots of choice, stability and comfort. I've always thought it would be great to work more independently and one day for myself. But in the past this thought got quickly dismissed. Afterall, my job situation is great so it is just not worth the risk.

Lately, I've been unhappy at work feeling a lot of limitations at work and more importantly, restrictions about how work fits into life. It has become very clear to me how little that fit is in my control at the moment.

Not a whole lot has changed since yesterday other than I have a plan and made some decisions. I have decided the reward of working independently and more on my terms is worth the risk. I don't know what it will be like, but I have decided I want to find out. I have a ton of support to do this. I just need to have a little faith.

It feels great to have a plan.

Bumper Sticker

I spent much of my drive home from work yesterday behind somebody who had a bumper sticker that read

"If you could ask God one question, what would it be?"

I spent the ride thinking about what was most important to me. And then I was home:P

I think my exact answer is not improtant and it will probably change over time. But I hope to come back here and read this post whenever I need to focus on the sometimes elusive bigger picture and what's important.

So fast...

I asked Yusuf, "Will you stay in Chicago with us forever?"

"Yeah. Look...that's a big frog."

Very convincing:P

I wish I could freeze them both at this age for a little while longer.

Being important

I want to write down and capture how I've been feeling about my job change.

I still have the same thoughts as I did when I made the change and I still know in my heart of hearts I made the right move. I have more time with Zahra, Yusuf and Nooriya, a shorter commute, a less stressful job, I don't bring work home with me; basically I'm getting paid more to do less. Lots of stuff on the pro side; this is great, what more could I ask for?

I need to be realistic; I went from working for one corporation to working for another. I didn't start making the world better (or at least better off than in my other job). This is awesome though, I know it is. But I still have this nagging feeling I can't shake. I feel unimportant at work, I'm of little consequence. I used to be important. People used to ask for my opinion and my perspective on things. Now, I don't feel like I'm spending my workday usefully and I'm bored.

No phone, no lights, no motorcar; not a single luxury...

My phone broke last week, or more accuartely I broke it. Since then, I've been without a phone and now have a phone that pretty much only makes calls.

At the risk of sounding old and this post being a "I remember when gas was only ..." post. Here goes...I remember when phones were just phones. I even remember when phones were only connected to a wall. Oh what did I used to do in this wired, non-touch screen stone-age?:P

The past little while has been frustrating, a bit boring and refreshing at the same time. I realized I don't know how to drive anywhere new without a gps telling me turn by turn where to go, email is not that important and the internet is even less so. I'm sure I'll read this sometime later and roll my eyes.

It's also been refreshing to not use my phone to occupy every 'free' moment I have. It's been nice, in a way, that I haven't been able to take a picture of Yusuf and Nooriya, but had to remember what we were doing and how cute they are. It is wierdly awesome to have my mind wander about this or that and not attempting to be productive in some way all the time.

I have to be honest with myself, I am looking forward to getting another phone in a couple weeks and rejoining the 2011s. In the mean time, I'll try to enjoy being relatively less connected.

My morning

With much trepidation I've made a change leaving my really good job earlier this summer. I haven't exactly taken a step down, rather I like to think of it a step slower. Up to this point my career has been moving fast; in hindsight, so many opportunities have opened up for me. I wanted to slow down and go at a slower pace. I decided to make a move and see how things would be.

I've gotten used to having a reputation and all the resources and benefits that came along with it. I've been in my new job for over a month and all those things are gone. I'm still in an adjustment period, a difficult one. I got the slow-down I was looking for and it has been tougher to deal with than I expected.

This morning though was perfect. I got up early and went out for a bike ride. I came home to lounge with Zahra, Yusuf and Nooriya in Yusuf's bed as everyone woke up. A little while later, a fully dressed Nooriya came and sat next to me for ten minutes as I did some morning reading (she preferred sitting with me to breakfast!). After getting ready for work, I came down to have breakfast at the kitchen table with Yusuf as he told me a dinosaur story. A short drive later, I'm here at my even lower stress, slower-paced job.

I got exactly what I was looking for and I'm so glad I made the change.