Chill

The more I learn the more it becomes clear that stuff doesn’t matter as much as it seems in almost every case. 

So much we’re instructed to do begins with “thamakun sey” [fill in the blank].  

Just relax!  Relax while you eat. Relax while you do namaz. Relax when you do tasbee at the end of namaz. Relax when you work. Relax when you sleep. Relax when you dream. 

In fact, have a passion for relaxing. Relax and appreciate the world. Appreciating the world is ibadaat. 

Work hard at relaxing. When that person or thing annoys you that’s the way it’s supposed to go. Relax and let what’s coming come. It’ll come to pass regardless. 

Taher, just relax!  You’ll get what’s coming to you and it’ll be better if you’re relaxed to receive it. 

Twice

The day has its twists and turns. It plays out and is done once it’s done. We have one body.

It’s an opportunity though. We can each live the day twice. Each day we can live the day and each night we can think about how we would have wanted to spend the day. It’s like a big do-over. It’ll probably lead to better sleep too😁

We are “prisoners” to our bodies I suppose. We have the choice to be angry that we are here or take a different view and mark time in days until…Either way we’re stuck until we “get out”. 

Taher, be a better prisoner. Each day has a second chance. 

Trust

This is post mostly advice for me to read later. 

What do you see when you look at people?Don’t be surprised. They are exactly who they are supposed to be. Trust that they are. Trust them. Give it away just like love. 

Trust people. Sometimes they might not come through and you will get burned. They aren’t supposed to always come through. That’s why trust is so hard. 

The alternative is don’t trust or trust slowly even. You will still get burned. You won’t realize it though. People would come through and you won’t know. It’s lonely. 

Taher, trust people.  People do what they’re supposed to. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. 

Blame

So much good or bad happens in our lives. Some clearly good. Some clearly bad. And much that’s a matter of perspective. That’s the part that makes life one or the other. 

It can be tempting to blame someone else or even something else for stuff and the result is it’s bad. The same is true of the good. Blame may not be the right word for that. 

Blame is the wrong view. No one is to blame. They were just doing what they were supposed to do. Expecting something else is foolish. Why blame the water for being wet?

Taher, don’t look for blame. It’s foolish. 

Consequence

Rewards aren't usually linear.  They aren't something to strive for either.  They are more of a consequence.  Good deeds have a consequence.  The reward may or may not come as you comprehend.  If  you help a person or feed someone they may not reciprocate.  That doesn't mean it won't come back to you and yours in some way.

It's a bit silly to think there's a reward.  Humans were made in large part to help each other.  The eye is made to see, but we don't expect a reward when it does.  The legs were made to walk.  We don't expect a reward when they bring us from one place to another.  

Taher, there is a consequence to helping and giving.  You may not be able to understand what it is.

Proud

The other day we went out together.  I was driving. Yusuf got out before me and he’s faster than me. I was ~10 seconds behind. I saw a woman being dropped off at the door.  She seemed to have some sort of health issue that required her to be dropped off.  I rushed to hold the door for her.  About 2 seconds in, I realized Yusuf noticed and waited by the door for a good 5 seconds.  He waited for her and held the door.  It was a small act, but it made me so proud.

Nooriya started high school.  She also just got her misaq.  Of her own accord she decided to begin wearing rida full time as soon as she got her misaq.  It's hard being a teenager period.  It's hard being in a new school.  It's hard being a teenage girl.  It's hard being different, especially at 14.  There was nothing easy about this.  It's hard at any age to make this decision.  She wears it with such confidence.  I'm in awe.  I'm sure that there are difficult days and I'm sure that it's tough.  It is a large act and it makes me so proud.

Yusuf and Nooriya do things big and small all the time that make me so proud.  They are their own people and they deserve credit for the things they do and don't do.  That's what makes me so proud.  They did/do it and deserve it.  I also am proud that they're connected to me.  I know I don't deserve credit and I don't want it, but I realize that I shouldn't get zero credit either.  They are watching and they've been watching.

Taher, don't forget that the kids are still watching good or bad.

Shade

This week Michelle Obama spoke.  It was inspirational.  I watched it twice.  There were parts that were political and relevant right now.  That wasn't the inspiring part.

She spoke about her mom and the generations that came before.  It was personal and emotional.  The inspiring part that I want to remember and remind myself is that she spoke about families and generations and the perspective of a longer sense of time.  What was inspiring to me was that payoff will come eventually.  It is not a steady and linear path.  It might be a bumpy road and not a straight line to get to the payoff.  Be confident that the payoff will come.  I just may not be around to see it.

It was never mentioned in the speech, but it reminded me of the proverb to, "...plant trees in whose shade you shall never sit in".  

Taher, you are enjoying the shade others are responsible for. 

Taher, plant trees.  Taher, if doing it is good for Zahra, Yusuf, or Nooriya do it and let them and the next generation enjoy the shade.

Sitting in the back

I don't get to experience many firsts anymore.  Most of my firsts over the past 16+ years have been vicarious firsts that I got to observe.  I got to be part of Yusuf's and Nooriya's firsts.  I had my own milestone yesterday.  It was the first time I sat in the back of the car with Zahra and the kids sat in front.

I've been in the passenger seat when Yusuf is driving.  It's somehow easier to let go in the passenger seat.  It's like I'm still part of the driving.  My counsel on driving is received well mostly and I'm still teaching.  It's somehow easier to be more measured and not say stuff.  Sitting in the back was different.  It was hard not to say anything.  I could see myself "helping" and at the same time in my mind I knew that was not the right and needed thing.

I thought there's a bigger lesson here.  It's just as important to not be in the "passenger seat" as it is to not be in the "driver's seat" sometimes.  It's helpful for the other person to grow and learn.  It's hard, but sit in the back and enjoy the ride.

Taher, the view is changing.  Get comfortable sitting in the back.

Share

This past week I gave my coworkers a presentation about being Bohra and talked about my topi. It was very 101. It was good for me to try to articulate the basics. It was important to articulate it well to the audience and maybe just as important to put some things into words for myself. It’s easy to forget the “why” after doing something for so long. It just becomes routine. Articulating the “why” makes it fresh. 

I know Bohra 101 better than I know almost everything. However, I was more nervous doing this than anything I’ve done in a long time. I saw the downside very clearly. If I mess this up people could really take a skewed view of what’s so important to me and I felt like I had this one chance to get it right. It went great. I even recorded it and love that I can share it further. The nervousness translated and was obvious, but it came across as vulnerable and genuine. 

It was so well received and I got a lot of positive feedback. I felt really good afterwards. It felt so good to share. I was afraid people wouldn’t care. I was wrong. 

Taher, find the opportunity to share when the time is right. It feels really good and people do care. 

Ziyafat

I was able to do a ziyafat this year. I went for tahkmeen and the amount I was hoping for was not nearly enough. I saw that it was a higher number, hesitated for a moment, and then said “me kay na kay karees”.  Basically, I thought and said I’ll figure it out.  

I was able to secure one additional pass. I thought about who to give it to and immediately I thought of my khaka’s son. His dad did a lot for my dad and my cousin in turn holds my parents in high regard very much as a result. I also thought how I want my kids to benefit from this as much as possible. 

It dawned on me that me wanting to give this to my cousin was a result of his dad doing stuff. In this very pay it forward kind of way my cousin was receiving something years after my khaka passed away and likely because of my khaka. 

Taher, don’t hesitate. Give it and figure it out. Yusuf and Nooriya will benefit years later in many ways you can’t even think of. 

Helper

Helping is not zero sum and it is not reciprocal.  It is not a good mindset to help because that person helped me so I should help them or I'll help when I'm all set and able.  Helping doesn't work like that.  Just like you should be happy for someone else because they got something even if you wanted it.  Helping is the same way.  Helping isn't if they get something then I won't.  It's not zero sum.  In fact, I believe it is additive.  Help and nobody has less.  We all win.

There was a cool psychology study I learned about recently.  People were given some money.  Some were asked to buy something for themselves and other asked to give the money away.  The study concluded that the people who gave the money away were noticeably happier.  WOW!  The cool thing about this study is some people were given alot and some a little.  Those that gave away alot were not noticeably happier than those that gave away less.  It didn't matter how much you helped.  Helping any amount translated to happiness.

I recently had the chance to help some friends with some visa stuff.  It was some time, but it was much easier for me to do.  I was able to help and it felt so good.  My friends were appreciative sure, but that had little to do with how I felt.

Taher, remember how it feels to help.  Taher, you will get more than you give.  Give generously.

Environment

Context, I've learned, is a large part of communication.  The context affects so much of the listening and the talking.  The ability to listen well depends on your context.  If I have to go to the bathroom, I won't be a good listener.  I just won't.  Among other things I'll just be distracted.  Even if it's socially awkward or odd to stop a conversation it's worth it, because it's easy to tell if someone isn't listening.

Taher, do what you need.  Interrupt the conversation if you have to.  It will always be the better thing to do.

Context is just as important when doing the talking.  People are often stressed for different reasons.  Even mild stress can affect your communication all the while having nothing to do with the other person.  An easy example to understand is talking on the phone while in traffic.  No one likes traffic.  It's mildly stressful and can be very annoying when some other driver drives poorly or is inconsiderate.  This will 100% affect the way you speak on the phone.  The traffic has nothing to do with the other person, but they may get an annoyed and quickly irritated phone conversation.

Taher, mind your environment.

Response Science

The ability to control my actions has always been a focus of mine.  Whether in sports as a kid or in my older age in conversations.  Intuitively, I know that reaction is instinctual and that it comes first and response comes later.  I confirmed that thought with this cool model of the brain I learned about recently.

Basically, a thing happens and our brain processes that thing.  The thing goes through our brain first in the parts we have little control of and eventually to the thinking part.  All people are like this.  It's fascinating.

Taher, take your time.  It takes time to get to the thinking part.  Respond, don't react. 

Taher, be patient.  It takes time for others to get to the thinking part.  That's how their brain works.

Get to

This post is about lists.  We love lists at our house.  They help us remember even the small stuff, free up mental space once they get written down, and it is soooooo satisfying to mark something as complete or cross it off the list.

Although they are very helpful, they can be very detrimental.  They can be easily seen as to-do lists.  They're not.  They're get-to-do lists.  It's easy to forget the 'get'.  It's very important not to.  I do the dishes most nights.  I put that on my list.  They are there waiting for me most nights.  I do them.  On the nights they are on my to-do list and I forget the 'get', it's a chore and I can't wait to be done.  On the nights they are on my get-to-do list, doing the dishes is so pleasant.  I think much of the time that these dishes got dirty in the first place because we had food and we'll probably use them again tomorrow and I'll probably get to do this again tomorrow night.

This attitude shift applies to so much in our everyday.  It makes chores I have to do into pleasant things I get to do.  I don't want to confuse this shift with some annoying always look on the bright side attitude.  It's not that.  It's often a small shift and it grows over time.  It takes effort to shift attitude, but it's possible.

Taher, remember you get to.

Trail

I heard this beautiful analogy. Two people walked together on this trail and different people were on the trail walking with them throughout. I imagine the trail had views and bumps along the way. Gardens and trees grew alongside as the travelers walked and tended to them. The most beautiful and perhaps sad part was that the grass grew tall behind them as they went on. There was no trail behind them. 

Taher, tend to the garden and the trees in front of you. 

Saving

Saving "it" is pretty common refrain.  I think the "it" can refer to many different things.  It can refer to a few major themes like money, effort, or grace.  It also has a lot of different contexts within those themes that it can apply to.  In general, saving money seems like a good thing.  It generally seems like a good way to live.  That saving mentality can be pervasive though.  It can easily creep into to other aspects of life like effort or even grace.

I'm older now than I once was.  That tends to happen.  My view on saving has changed.  Earlier on in my life, I would try to save every penny.  Saving money is good if you have a plan.

Maybe I'm wiser now.  Probably not just a bit older.  My perspective has changed.  My understanding of how tenuous plans can be has gotten deeper.  Maybe the better way to live is not to save.  I don't think it's smart to be irresponsible.  Why save it though?  That's a good question.  Use it.

Hopefully, not saving will creep into other aspects of life like effort and grace.  That now seems like a better way to live.

Taher, ask yourself, "what are you saving it for?"

Ripple

Not a difficult concept, but this is a beautiful analogy.  The actions we take don't end when our actions end.  They carry on.   The people around us react and respond to whatever we do.  Their actions are influenced by ours and it goes on and on.  The analogy of a rock or a raindrop hitting still water creating a ripple is so apt.  The ripple is more pronounced closer and gets weaker the further out.

This analogy works when it's raining.  There's lots of ripples.  The original ripple interacts with other ones.  The analogy is beautiful.  We have the opportunity to make lots of ripples and they just carry on.

Taher, your actions go on.  Make the ripples overwhelmingly positive.

Final

I've watched this video many times.  It's Tony Hawk doing a skateboarding trick that's really hard.  He's easily the best known skater.  I don't know much about skating, but his is the only name in that whole realm of sport that I know.  He's been leading the sport for a really long time and he's 52 in this video I connect so much with.  He's doing an Ollie for the last time.  

It's inspirational and happy and sad all at the same time.  He fails and fails and fails and keeps trying.  He finally does it.  He's super happy that he did it and also sad and emotional.  He knows it's the last time he'll ever do it.  It's over.  He still remembers it and probably always will.  He's just in a different part of his life.

I find this so hopeful.  There is a next...

Taher, you probably won't have it on video and you probably won't know it's the last time.  Enjoy it for what it is and know that there's the next thing to be and do.  It may be greater than you think.

Happy

World Happiness Day was this past week.  I think it's cool that's a thing.  It's pretty remarkable to think about.  The entire world has a day to reflect on happiness and primarily their own happiness.  At first, I thought that's kind of self-centered.  As I learned more that's just not true.  Or at least it's not strictly true.  

I learned there is some research out there showing that happier people are more likely to do things to help other people.  This gave me a whole new perspective about shukr and another reason why it's good to have.  I used to think that the goal was to be happy and that shukr was how to get there.  It still is; that's right.  I was a bit conflicted about the goal of being happy.  That's not the end.  Being happy makes space to do things for others which in turn make us happier.  It's a wonderful circle; not a line.

Taher, be happy.  It's good for others.

Job

Everybody has a job.  People have a different job at different times.  That other person's job may be to be difficult.  That guy in the cars job may be to drive poorly.  The parent's job is to calmly deal with their angry kid.  Everyone has a job.  They might be different jobs at different times and for different reasons.  There's no need to be influenced and act differently because the people around you are doing this or that.  The people around you may make it easier or more difficult to do your job.  No need to sweat what they do or don't do; they are just doing their job.  Your job is to be a good human.

Taher, do your job.

Hard

We've heard good things come to those who wait.  It feels correct.  I've thought about that recently.  Doing good things are hard and often hard to do and they take time.  Sometimes it's hard to have Sabr, but it's it's really good to.  It's hard to do hifz, but it's really good to and it can take a lot of time.  I've heard in waaz many times that it's more sawab to do wudu with cold water.  It feels like recently it was added that it's more sawab to do that for fajr namaz.

That has a lot of layers.  Very literally, it's using cold water. That's easy to understand.  One layer I've been stuck on for a while is that you should do it because it prepares you for a good thing despite being hard to do.

I've gotten another layer of understanding.  I no longer think it's about preparation.  Doing the hard thing is good.  It takes consistency to do it and do it well.  It takes practice just like hifz or working out or making any progress in anything.  In many contexts, consistency is another word for practice.  

Taher, do the hard thing not because there's something good that comes after.  Do the hard thing because the hard thing is the good thing.

Moment

Life has a lot of frustration.  It's easy to be overwhelmed.  It's also up to us.  We get to decide if the moment will dictate our reaction or the other way around.  I always hear stuff like live in the moment or be in the moment.  That leaves out that we have a say in what kind of moment that is.  Don't be overwhelmed by the moment.

I wrote about taking a 5 minutes break 20 years ago.  It was one of my first posts and one of the wisest it seems.  

Taher, take your advice

Sabr

Every year before ramdaan I like to focus on one thing for the month.  A few months ago we heard a waaz dedicated to the idea of Sabr.  Ramadaan was far off in the future then😊, but the waaz stayed with me.  I used to think this word simply meant patience.  It has many layers and means so much more.  The central theme of the waaz was Sabr is core to being mumin.

Sabr among other things to me now means to me controlling your mind.  After all, that's probably the only thing we can control.  I'm realizing our body is not even in our control as much as I believed it was when I was younger.

I think a point of rozu is to remind of this idea of Sabr.  Not simply patience.  Rozu for a long time has not been about not eating for me.  The eating part has become a smaller part of rozu every year.  The not eating part is a reminder that eating is our choice.  We have the urge to eat or do anything and it's up to us to to decide in our mind if we will or not.

This year when I'm hungry, I'll let that be a reminder to think about Sabr.  The not eating part is easy; the Sabr part isn't.

Taher, have Sabr. 

Consent

I usually think of this as something external. It’s something you give or don’t give. It doesn’t have to be external though. It applies to emotions too or at least some of them sometimes. It’s my mind telling me that I’m overwhelmed, or frustrated, angry, or happy. There’s a lot of “stuff” that is happening and contributing. That will probably always be true. 

The thing though is it’s a choice to feel whatever. I don’t want to oversimplify and circumstance is important, but in many cases it’s on us to choose how we feel or don’t feel. 

Taher, choose to feel thankful and don’t give yourself consent to feel angry. 

Stoicism

This philosophy is pretty complex. It often gets associated with simply not showing emotion. It’s about so much more. 

Importantly, it examines control in depth. I’ve thought a lot about control and over the years. Stoicism talks about defining what is in your control and importantly what isn’t. It says to respond to what’s in your control and not so much to the rest.

It makes clearer what’s not in your control. Maybe obviously, other people, but also your reputation and even your own body. Interestingly, for each thing not in your control there is a complimentary thing in your control. You can’t control what is said to you, but you can control how you think about it. You can’t control if your body doesn’t cooperate, but there is something you can control. 

For everything external there is something internal.  Focus on the internal.

Taher, react aand respond appropriately.

Beauty

Learning only seems to make things better. 

Everyone appreciates a rainbow. It looks beautiful and that’s easy to see. Learning the physics that creates a rainbow makes it even more beautiful. Learning more about the optics makes it even more beautiful. Everything seems to be this way. Beauty has layers. Learning more only reveals more layers. It only goes one direction. 

Taher, learn more. It will only make things that are beautiful more beautiful. 

Confidence

I remember being full of confidence.  Most of it unearned.  In my teens and 20s I was even cocky.  I was confident I was good at this or that and alhamdolillah I had a lot of positive feedback.  

I'm probably not old yet, but I'm older.  I'm no longer good at those things I was good at in my teens and 20s.  Many of them were physical.  I'm not even a shadow of that person who was good at stuff because of my physical ability.  The other thing that I was weirdly good at was school and tests.  It served me well.  It doesn’t matter much now though. 

Alhamdolillah Yusuf and Nooriya both have even more of a physical gift that I had as a teen and they are both really good at school stuff.  Inshallah it will serve them well too. 

I’ve come to be confident in a different way. It’s probably not very original, but I’m super confident I’m the right person for Zahra and Yusuf and Nooriya.

Today Nooriya did awesome at gymnastics. Yesterday Yusuf showed off some of his crazy results from going to the gym. I’m feeling a lot of pride. I’m also realizing it’s a good example to set being confident. It’s not pride because I somehow don’t deserve it. Taher, be confident that you do deserve it. You deserve what you have and what you get. 

Be proud especially if moula gives it to you.  We rarely understand and that’s life.  It’s not a straight line.  Be confident if moula gives you his wisdom that it’s right  Be proud to have a dari and wear a topi  Be proud to do what moula has said and given raza for. It shows and people notice.   

Be confident. Be proud. The kids are watching. 

Thanksgiving

I heard an amazing true story example of something I want to be reminded of later and often. A man was new to this country and didn’t know what Thanksgiving was. A nice person invited him over for Thanksgiving dinner. Years later he became financially successful. For over 30 years he’s been donating and handing out turkeys on Thanksgiving. 

This is powerful. One nice thing…

Taher, pay it forward whenever you can. You never know. Do what Taylor Swift says and make Karma a relaxing thought. 

Superpower

I recently thought of something I have to offer as a superpower. It took me years, but I figured out what mine is. For a lot of years, it’s been tough to accept this thing that I have. It elicited many different emotions. For the first couple years those emotions were dominated by anger, frustration, and sadness. 

Many people for some reason share what they’ve got going on with me and sometimes that prompted me to share too. It felt good every time I shared. 

And just the other day, I realized I can share my thing and maybe make someone feel how I felt or prompt them to share with someone else. I am realizing this thing I thought sucks has become my superpower. I can share. 

Taher it may seem like it stinks. Even for years. It’s part of the plan though. There’s something you just don’t see. 

Wise

 I heard a song for the first time in years.  It was popular when I was in high school.  I must have heard in 1,000 times then.  I missed this lyric every time though. And I heard it just now and it stuck with me.

"

For the life of me, I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise 

"

I have thought about wisdom over the years.  Mostly I've thought about how I shouldn't fool myself into thinking that I have any.  This lyric was eye opening for me.  Basically, I think it's saying you can never be wise and that you'll always look back and wonder why you thought that.  It's a paradox.  The only way to be wise is to believe you aren't.  It's humbling and elegant.

Taher, you are not wise.  Don't believe or think you are.  Listen.

All things

It took me many years to learn and even longer to accept. After a long time I understood that you can’t be all things to anyone. Sorry I didn’t figure that out sooner Zahra. There are things you can be. Be great at that. Facilitate the things you can’t be. There’s a fair amount of advice in this post; it’s mostly for me. 

Taher, excel at the things you can be. Don’t try to be the other stuff. 

Happy List

I usually am not a fan of self-help style lists. I really liked this one. I wanted to put it here and remember it. I edited it a little for brevity, but didn’t change it. 

Taher, read this once in a while. It’s a good reminder. 

11 habits that will make you happier than 98% of people:

1. Take Care of Your Health

You only get one mind and one body.  Both must last you a lifetime.  Without it, you have nothing.

2. Give Sincere Appreciation

Practice gratitude daily.  It helps you keep things in perspective.

3. Pay it Forward

Studies show random acts of kindness improve well-being.

You can practice paying it forward by:

• Holding the door for someone

• Picking up trash outside

• Giving a compliment

One simple action can alter the trajectory of your day.

4. Choose Optimism

But in the long run, optimists are the ones who live a life they’re proud of.

5. Reduce Your Wants

It is not the man who has too little that is poor.

6. Don't Compare Yourself to Others

Comparison is the thief of joy.  Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.

7. Ignore the Nonessential

There is always a new opportunity or distraction available.  But in the long run, it will be those who can stay focused on what’s most important who will be most successful.

8. Constantly Read

A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies.Books give you access to the: 

• Thoughts

• Stories

• Philosophies 

of those who came before you.

9. Prioritize Growth

There is no such thing as stagnant.  A 1% improvement in a day is a 3,700% improvement in a year.

10. Write Daily 

Putting your thoughts on paper forces you to organize them.  If you lack understanding, it will expose gaps in your thinking.  Use writing to sharpen your thinking and increase your brainspace.

11. Practice Meditation 

Take 10 minutes a day to be present and observe your thoughts.

Random

I was able to do a random act of kindness this morning. I came to Panera after a busy morning to get some coffee. I noticed that there were no paper towels in the bathroom. Something the guy washing his hands would find out momentarily. I stepped out to quickly get a stack of napkins to give some to him and leave for the next person. It was small, but it made me feel good. The universe even rewarded me it seems with some free coffee later😁

The opportunity presented itself and doing something kind made me feel good. It turned my busy, not-so-wonderful morning into a nice morning.

Taher, look for the opportunity to do something kind. The opportunities are out there. It makes you feel good. 

Response

There’s a nuance to control. There’s nuance to freedom and fate. Freedom and fate can be viewed as contradictory. I don’t think that’s right. They are circular and humans just can’t understand them. We can choose our response. 

Viktor Frankl is a holocaust survivor. It’s unimaginable what he went through and dealt with. Despite all that he had seen, he believed there’s a choice. 

He said, “Between the stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space lies our freedom and power to choose our responses. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” A reaction is almost instinctual and doesn’t use one of our greatest gifts, thought. Think then respond.

Taher, respond don’t react.

Top 5

Yusuf and Nooriya, this whole blog is for you and Zahra.  This post is specifically for you.

You both inspire me in different ways.  That has helped shape the way I act.  You're both teenagers and somehow how I behave seems more important.  I don't actually know.  That's probably important at most ages.  These teen years seem formative in a way other ages weren't.  I was thinking about that recently and how to articulate my behavior came in to clearer focus for me recently.

It's my goal to be in your top 5 later in life.  When you count on your one hand I want to be included in a couple of things.  I want to be in your top 5 friends.  I want to be in your top 5 role models.  I want to be in the top 5 people you love most.  I want to be in your top 5 good influences.  I want to be in your top 5 best people. 

Taher, do it if it gets you closer to being in the top 5.

Equanimity

I've known this word for a while.  I just recently looked it up when I was trying to articulate what it meant.  I always thought it meant something I would describe as being cool.  I really like this word after looking it up.  The definition I found was mental calmness especially in a difficult situation.

This motivates me to have this quality more.  My mind could always be calmer, especially when it's a stressful situation.  People around notice and imitate the reactions they see.  Help normalize calm.

Taher, keep you cool and be mentally calm.  Remember the kids are watching; set an example.

Give it away

A key to happiness is to be around happy people. The people who surround us shape us.  Moula gives us wise counsel to pick your company carefully. If the people around you are happy that’s good for your happiness. Happiness is circular that way. 

This is why it’s so important to make others happy. Especially those around you. If you have happiness, give it to others. It’ll come back to you. 

Taher, give it away. 

More Jewels

Last year I got a a lot out of waaz. In addition to the many benefits of being there, I retained some simple take aways from last year. They were simple. Be generous, be thankful, and forgive. 

This year like last year was full of depth that’s hard to articulate. The asar is as powerful as it was last year. It’s made the be thankful take away from last year deeper. Simply, shukr isn’t only being happy with what you have it’s wanting more so you can do more. 

I have a couple simple take aways from this year so far. They are love and honesty. Not complicated, but very deep. I look forward to understanding these simple ideas more deeply next year or in the future just as shukr has more dimension for me now.

Taher, be honest. Taher, show love. 

Bad

The last little bit at work has been pretty stressful.  I think that stresses in life will just keep happening.  This work stress will dissipate and whatever I'm dealing with at work will be in the rearview eventually.  There will be another thing that stresses me out after this.  That too will eventually be in the rearview. Then another thing.  That's part of life I think.

I'm looking forward to Ashara this year.  It's coming up and I get to leave all this stuff behind.  It is a nice annual reminder that this life "stuff" isn't so bad.  I had this thought a few years back when I thought something terrible had happened.  Turns out it wasn't so bad.  I want to write this down as a reminder to future me.

Taher, it's not so bad.  Rember this.  It will make you smile every time.

Proud

 We took a road trip this Memorial Day.  That's not different from many other years.  Like many other times I stopped to do namaz.  I've told the kids many times when it's time for namaz we do namaz.  They see me and Zahra do namaz when it's time.  I've mostly been very understanding I think of what's happening and sometimes their priorities are not in the right order in my opinion when it comes to namaz, but they are kids and they are learning and growing like all of us hopefully.

We stopped on the way there and back when it was namaz time.  Both times they did namaz also.  And not because they were told.  They did it because it was namaz time and that's what they saw.  I was very proud.

Taher, don't forget that the kids see.

Connections

I get something more every time Moula does bayan. Today, there was a bayan about Moula Ali and Abizer and a rock. Moula Ali said to Abizer take that rock and Abizer wondered why he would want a rock. He took it following Moula Ali’s words and it turned into gold. Moula told him to only take what he needed to fulfill his promise and not more. Moula did not expand more, but I finally made a connection to another thing Moula has been encouraging us to do. Be mindful of our eating. Consider your appetite and not availability. Be satisfied and stop. It’s a healthier way to eat.  In general, it’s a better way to live. 

Moula also said give whatever you can. It could be just a pencil or a handkerchief or a bite of food.  It doesn’t have to be a big thing. This alone is beautiful. I finally connected it to the Moula Ali story. Abizer didn’t see the value of what Moula Ali said and then he did. Moula is telling us to give. We might not understand, but we may one day. 

Taher, take what you need and give whatever you can. 

Influence

 Every year in Ramadan I try to focus on one thing. This year it’s influence. 

I’ve heard or read many times in my life “lead by example” or something similar. Usually this is in a work context. It’s usually lead, but what doesn’t really talk about situations where you might not be a leader. 

Recently, I learned more about this thing that happens in our brains called Behavior Contagion. Our actions can be contagious and even change people’s brains. I like to think of this as influencing by example. I am not the best at articulating what I mean even to those small few who are patient enough with me to listen. Learning about this has taught me I don’t need to explain. Just do. 

Qualities can be contagious. Patience, honesty, humility, and understanding and can be contagious. I have an opportunity to pass it on. 

Taher, just do. Taher, smile more; it can be contagious. 

Habituation

 I'm learning about this new concept.  Humans have a diminished response to the same stimulus over time.  Things we once might have found new we might not even notice over time.

I was once filled with wonder going on a plane.  There were all these things I didn't understand.  Going on a plane is amazing.  You fly which is awesome.  There is even food on the plane.  One of my favorite memories is Yusuf getting a meal for the first time on a plane as a very little kid and exclaiming, "this is all for me?!".    You can even look out the window and get an amazing, different perspective on the world.  You live in the sky and at the end of it you're somewhere far away.  On vacation or visiting someone or doing something memorable, but almost always something good.

I've done it a few hundred times and now it's not wonderous anymore.  Something can only be wrong.  A flight get's delayed or a bag is late or there might be some other problem.  That's so sad.  I'm so used to it that I don't feel wonder, only possibly annoyed.

Taher, habituation probably happens all the time.  Remember the wonder.  Don't get so used to things that you don't notice the amazingness everyday.

Together

I’m reading a cool book about black holes. The book, like much of astronomy books, tries to put things into perspective that our brains can comprehend. 

This book did that in an amazing way. It talked about all the effort needed to take a picture of a black hole. The whole world had to cooperate in order to do it. The world had to coordinate a series of telescopes around the world to get a picture that was like, “reading the date off of a quarter in San Francisco from New York City”!  Wow!  Humans are capable of doing amazing things when they cooperate. 

Taher, work with others. Remember Taher, it’s amazing what people can accomplish together. 

One

I make sure to listen to people when they talk about family stuff and things that they say that they may not think anyone is really listening.  Especially at work.  Part of being seen by others is seeing them as well.  One doesn't happen without the other.

As I often do, I sent a note to someone at work to say thank you for doing that thing a while back and added a little something to let them know I was listening to the detail they shared.  It seemed somewhat insignificant.  It must have been important enough to them to mention though.  I got a note back saying their day was made.  I have no idea what they might have been dealing with, but it just took one note to make their day.

Taher, one positive thing is sometimes all it takes.  Say the nice thing.  It might make someone's day.

Representation

Today a young woman was courageous enough to say hi to me when I was taking a break in the kitchen having a snack. She introduced herself and I invited her to sit and join me.  She commented on how cool my topi was and asked if I was muslim.  She also shared that she usually wears her hijab and that she didn't see anyone like her at work.  This made me sad.  Then she asked me if I felt comfortable wearing my topi here and about my journey.  I'm not shy about it, but I usually don't share.  Mostly, I don't think people care that much.  But she asked.  I was happy to share and I told her that I did feel comfortable and my experience at Zurich is that people respect me.

It may have just been my topi or it may have been something more.  Something made this young woman ask me about my journey and considered what I said on her own.  She later emailed me thanking me for the advice.  I shared, but didn't give any:)  I think and hope that she felt a little more seen today.

Taher, be yourself.  Be visible and put yourself out there.  Sometimes that's all it takes for someone else to feel seen.

Regret

There is one instance in my recent memory I wish I had behaved differently.

Not too long ago I was doing namaz in public the way I've done so many times before.  This time was different.  Someone confronted me when I was doing namaz.  I wasn't scared at all.  It wasn't confrontational, but the other person was definitely adversarial.  I was civil and nice enough and I even said, "have a great day" at the end of our interaction.  I regret not being outwardly nicer.  I have thought about what I regret and what I still think about before.  In my head, I was nice, but he didn't know that.  He could have easily interpreted what I thought was pleasant as me being sarcastic when I said, "have a great day".  Mostly, I regret not taking an opportunity to have a good interaction and possibly brighten someone's day.

Taher, learn from this.  It's not enough to think it.  Do it and make it clear.

Kindness

I've often confused the words nice and kind.  They are not the same.  It's important to be kind.  That's easy to know.  It's not so important to be nice.  Being nice often manifests being nice for it to be known by others and being kind is not for others.

This is why it's so important to give without anyone knowing.  It's important to do this.  It's an important takeaway from the mushkeywala riwayat.

Taher, strive to be kind.  Don't strive to be nice.

Word choice

How someone feels when they come to my house matters. I want to be responsible generally for making people feel good. That’s being human. I want very much to have them leave my house with a feeling that they remember. I remember when someone made me feel like that and it left an impression that has lasted years. 

Last night, we had people over and I tripped over my words. My offer of a ride came out as something else. I immediately corrected myself and tried again. I hope they don’t remember my poor word choice. I will unfortunately. I know they won’t leave with that feeling I was going for though😞. 

Taher, word choice matters. Choose your words carefully. 

Pay It Forward

 I heard an interview and part of it was biographical.  The interviewer asked about regret and said something along the lines of "your regrets are a reflection of what you value".

This got me to think about my regrets.  I have one regret that's bugged me for a while.  About 5 years ago, the person in front of me in line at the cafeteria forgot his wallet.  He only realized he couldn't pay when he was ready to go.  He left in a hurry to get his wallet.  I wasn't fast enough to offer to buy his food.  It bugged me that day that I didn’t help out and I still think about it.

Taher, remember what you value.  This is what you regret years later.

Dunkin

I was having a long day and got some afternoon coffee.  My dessert coffee, DD😀.  I saw a man doing Asar namaz in the parking lot.  It looked as if this man had done this many times and it was easy for him.  I've done namaz in public too many times.  It's easy for me now.  It wasn't always.  When I saw him, I felt a bunch of things and mostly felt that that looked hard and he did it anyway.  It was inspiring.  It makes me want to do more good despite being difficult.

Taher, do good even if it's hard.  Someone might see and be inspired to do good.

Working Backward

 There's a lot of probability in my work and a lot of potential biases.  There's very little in work or in life that's 100% certain.  In other words, there isn't usually an exactly right or exactly wrong decision.  There's a bias about projections.  Trying to reconcile what our future self would want with what we want now.  Think grocery shopping while hungry.  Not a great idea:P

There is a compounding effect.  It's easy to be way off about our future self when we think several decisions ahead.  Backcasting takes a different approach.  It's kind of the opposite of forecasting.  It's starting with the goal and working backwards to get there.

Taher, think about you're goal and then act.  There may not be a 100% right decision, but there's definitely a better one.

Jewels

 I feel so lucky to be here in Paris listening to Moula’s waaz relay everyday. I often wonder what took so long. I’ve thought a lot about the path that led here. I even wrote about it a while back. 

It’s just a few days in. I know I’ll not retain many of the details after long, but I’m confident the impression will remain. I can already tell. Some of the themes aren’t earth shaking. However, they’re easy to forget. I’ll do well with a reminder. The themes I’ve taken away so far are simple generosity, thankfulness, and forgiveness. Moula reminded us that life is short and not to wait for tomorrow. 

Taher, be generous now. Taher, be thankful now. Taher, forgive now. 

Debit Card

 Yesterday Yusuf had a milestone.  One of those where he probably didn't give it a second thought and thinks what's the big deal and this is boring.  He opened his first bank account and got a debit card.  I got to go with him.  Chase made us go to the bank with an appointment and everything.  We had to both be there.  At first, I thought this whole thing was annoying. I thought "why can't I just do this online?".  We were at the bank for an HOUR!  What?!

This wasn't very exciting and Yusuf I'm sure thought it was boring at times as the person helping us patiently took our information and walked us through the online portal.  It was boring, but it had some cool moments.  Yusuf got some checks.  He turned to me and asked "Abba, how do these work?".  He asked questions like, "what if I try to spend more money than I have?" and "what's a savings account?".  He had to sign a bunch of electronic disclosures.  Stupid things I've agreed to a thousand times before.  It was his first.  He turned to me and asked, "Abba, is it ok to click next?".

On the whole, it was kind of boring, but there were moments that starkly reminded me this was momentous.

Taher, be there.  Sometimes he still needs you to tell him it's ok.

Picture

 This is one of my favorite pictures. I like it so much that I have it my closet. I see it every day. 

I took this picture over 20 years ago. I was in Israel and it felt amazing to be there. It was before I had a digital camera and could see the image instantly. I had to wait days to see the pic and it came out great.  I’ve got a great reminder that takes me back there. Every day I look at the picture and feel full of possibility. 

Taher, do cool stuff. You may not realize or see it, but it may be amazing in the future. 

Red light

 Red is on top for a reason. 

Taher, stop first. Then act/speak.

Luck

It’s easy for me to fall in the trap of thinking “you get what you deserve”.  I don’t think that’s true mostly. It follows logically that “it’s your fault “.  I don’t think that. That’s insensitive and just not cool. I guess what I’m trying to remember is that the strange thing about being lucky is it’s easy to forget you’re lucky. Little is in our control. That’s not an excuse to not try, but a key to being happy. 

Taher, remember you are lucky and you are not responsible.

By example

I’ve recently had the opportunity to do some volunteer stuff. It was most important to me to make the kids a part of it. I wanted to do this with them and I talked about it so much that they think it’s routine. I reminded them about it so often that they were a bit sick of me bringing it up, but it’s important. It should be top of mind for them. 

I think volunteering is important in part because I get to do it with them. I’m realizing it’s just as important to do it so they see. They see. They notice. They internalize. 

Taher, the kids are watching. 

Activity

It’s Ramadan again and I want to write something down. Each year I like to focus on something. Each year one of the things I like to do is just sit and slow down. I think it seems like a convenient way to avoid doing things. At masjid, it may appear as skipping a chance for ibadaat. 

I see sitting and slowing down as a form of ibadaat. I hope I’m right.  Sitting still used to be passive for me. It’s different now. Slowing down is an active choice and not the absence of a choice. Being still makes me more patient and a better listener.

Taher, sit and actively be still. 

Ride

 Last night it was my good fortune to help someone out. It was raining and dark and this woman’s car was blocked. It was my friend’s mom. I offered her a ride home and was able to drive her. 

Whenever I get the chance to help someone older, my thought is when any of my 4 parents need a hand I hope there is a friendly face they find who lends a hand. I had that thought and another one. 

I hope Yusuf and Nooriya have that same thought when they see someone who could use a hand. I would be so happy if they think helping people benefits Zahra and me. They weren’t there to see me help, but I made sure to tell them. 

Taher, help because it’s awesome. Also, help because it’s good for your moms and dads and help because it’s eventually good for Zahra and me. 

Fresh Eyes

I have this wonderful memory of sitting in Moula Ali’s roza for the first time this past year. The memory evokes what I was feeling. This rare calm in my experience. I was there with a friend that noticed me just sitting there. I’m not sure what he saw or noticed, but he commented “I remember my first time here just taking it in. Enjoy!”

There’s this wonderful and fleeting feeling I think I get the first time experiencing something whether it’s watching the sunrise on the first morning of vacation, hearing Yusuf declare his soccer slump is over, Nooriya’s gymnastics meet, or more generally stopping to think about all I get to do.

I say fleeting because it’s easy to get used to whatever and probably a little natural to take stuff for granted. 

Taher, it doesn’t have to be the first time or rare. Stop more often and look again. There’s a whole lot of stuff you take for granted. 

Shift

I heard a story that was inspiring. I’ve heard the story many times before and thought I got it, but I heard it again and a different commentary at the end. It’s the well known story of the Good Samaritan. Just help people.  Stop to help people. Simple. 

I understood a new layer of the story after hearing it again. It was just flipping a simple question. “What happens to me if I help?” was asked differently. It was posed as, “What happens to the other person if I don’t help?”.

Taher, shift your thinking. 

Karbala

I was expecting our trip to be Karbala and Najaf to be spiritual and rejuvenating. No surprise it it is. 

What I wasn’t expecting is that this is not a Bohra experience. Most of the ziyarats and significant places I’ve been have been almost exclusively Bohra or in an intolerant mostly Sunni environment where I felt like I was hiding what I was feeling in some way or doing something which felt secretive. 

Coming here I didn’t expect to feel a serenity and  calmness from watching others from all over do Moula Ali’s and Moula Husain’s and shohada’s ziyarat. Not just other Bohras, but many other Muslims of all types visiting these places and being visibly overwhelmed. I think to myself they didn’t have the nice Faiz rooms, knowledgeable guides, comfortable tours, regular good meals, and endless chai. 

They had to think about all sorts of practical things that I just don’t have to think about. It makes it all the more moving just to watch. Today there was another matam majalis at Imam Husain’s ziyarat. It’s wonderful we have this organized way to express ourselves. I doubt many people understood what we were saying, but it was clear what we were doing when we were yelling ya Ali or ya Husain. I  looked up and saw many non Bohras joined in and were doing matam with us and many taking videos seemingly because they were moved. It was beautiful. 

Taher, remember how you felt when you wrote this. Taher, remember love is love. 

Handstand

Nooriya had her 6th grade social this past weekend.  It was at a gym/ninja warrior place.  Fun and physically demanding.  The physically demanding plays to Nooriya's strengths.

She had a great time.

At the end, the whole 6th grade did a handstand contest.  It wasn't split boys and girls.  A handstand contest was right up her alley.  She's awesome at this.  The whole grade did a handstand and whoever could hold it the longest wins.  Nooriya can hold a handstand for a really long time.  She won! They stopped timing because everyone else was just waiting:P

I'm super proud of her.  Not only because she won and she's awesome.  I'm most proud of her because of her attitude.  She was of course gracious.  She was also fearless.  She won because she thought I'm good at this and it doesn't matter who else is in this boy or girl.   It seemed like that never even crossed her mind and it shouldn't.

Taher, be proud because she's awesome and be proud because of her attitude.

Evidence

 I am reading a book and the title of the section is “Data Schmata”. The point is that data isn’t necessarily a good thing. It reminds that how people feel is important. ‘It’ usually isn’t about having data or important to convince people of whatever with data. It is far more important to appeal to the way someone feels.  The author writes that using lots of data can be a “way to substitute the true with the complicated”.  I think that’s a more eloquent way of saying don’t try to persuade without thinking about how someone feels. 

Taher, it is ALWAYS more important how someone feels than being right. 

Intangible

 A few weeks into the school year we got a nice email from Yusuf's math teacher.  It wasn't overly effusive, but it was very nice.  It called him a leader and said that the other students already look to him for help.  It made me super proud and got me thinking.

I'm so proud and recognize this quality that Yusuf seems to have already and that he's growing into.  It's very hard to articulate.  It's kind of intangible and his teacher recognized it and called him a "definite leader".  I think she recognizes the same quality.  It's easy to see in my opinion and very hard to articulate.  I think throughout his life people will say stuff like "he's so nice" and otherwise give him credit for stuff.  He is still 13:), but he has an ability to genuinely interact with people and they respond to that.  I don't know the right word.  Genuine isn't it.  He can be a good listener, but that isn't it.  It's recognizing others on a very basic level.  It's a quality that is hard to find and will do him well.  Alhamdolillah.

Taher, remember to listen and observe more.

Generational Wealth

Today I had the opportunity to help some folks with some Medicare stuff. I was very excited. I don’t often have the chance to help people using my work stuff; I jump at the very infrequent chance to help someone with my professional skills. 

This couple is an old friend of my parents. After an hour of listening and explaining the very dry nuances of health insurance, the conversation turned to my parents. They’d been friends with my parents for over 40 some years. Longer than I’ve been around.  They had some wonderful stuff to say about my dad. Some professional as they used to work together and some personal as they had a mutual friend who dad went above and beyond to help. 

On the heels of that, they said something that made me super proud. They said, “you talk like your dad.”  I don’t really; I think they meant you’re like him for helping. They saw me in this very positive way in large part because of my dad and their connection to him. 

Taher, help people.  It’s awesome to help people.  Also, do it because it will affect the way people interact with Yusuf and Nooriya years from now. 

Generosity

 I didn’t write this, but want to be sure to come back and read this. 

—

‘I sought ‘praise’ and found it in generosity’. Amirul Mumineen’s AS kalam mubarak is replete with meaning that offers insight into the different understandings of praise.

Mehmadah refers to praise and those acts with which one may be deemed ‘praiseworthy’. By being generous, especially in times of adversity, one finds acclaim and admiration. 

—

Be generous Taher. 

Just do it

Taher, you’re in your 40s. You are old and wise now😅. Sometimes just do it or sometimes refrain from doing it😅. Not like when you were young. Not without regard for consequence. Rather with regard to consequence. Ask yourself, “is this going to matter?”  

Taher, if the answer is no then do the thing that makes the other person and you feel good. 

40

 Yay!

I get the day after my birthday off every year and am usually on vacation. It’s wonderful. I’ve gotten to another milestone birthday, Alhamdolillah. 

Things are changing at what feels like a faster pace. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be reflecting on, but I keep thinking about my dad. I’m now at the age he was when I was born. I think about how moving it was during his heart surgery recovery.  Alhamdolillah, he’s gotten to celebrate more milestones after that. Time after time friends and family show up for him. I’ve gotten to hear very memorable stories and very meaningful things his friends have said. 

Taher, do meaningful things that people will remember and make them want to show up for you.  Nooriya is eleven.  You have an eleven year head start.

12 Years

We get to visit someone after 12 years. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen her. 

I’m very excited to be able to meet her parents again. I remember them being nice and parenty I guess. I hadn’t really thought about how exceptionally nice they were twelve years ago. 

They opened their home so warmly to us. We arrived late at night, probably after 1am with Yusuf who was then a cute, but loud baby. I remember very well that they stayed up to meet us and had way more food than we could possibly eat waiting for us. They had rooms and beds prepared for us too thoughtfully directing us to essentials we would need and I remember them saying make yourself at home and really meaning it. I recall thinking this is so nice. 

I didn’t really think of their perspective until the other day. We were essentially strangers. One of us was friends with their adult kid and far away too. We had a loud baby that we we’re bringing in to their otherwise quiet home. And we probably demanded quiet because the baby was sleeping at probably seemingly random times. We arrived late at night and they were up. At the time, I didn’t think much of this. We were young and parenting a newborn. We were up all the time and whenever. I’m pretty sure they weren’t. 

I realize that they probably did this for all the people that came to their home and this wasn’t out of the ordinary. It was personal for me and they made me feel welcome. 

Taher, pay it forward. Change the world one interaction at a time. 

Never Change

 Road trip!

We were all in the car today and a song came on I hadn’t heard in a while. The las time I heard it was when Nooriya and I had a night out together. It was super special and I even wrote about it. 

She’s starting to go through a time in her life where hanging out with me is not going to be what she wants to do. This song reminds me this won’t always be how she feels. 

—

Yeah, some things never change
Like the love that I feel for her
Some things stay the same

—

Taher, be patient and listen to the lyrics because sometimes Disney songs are awesome.

Luck

I’ve thought a lot about plans and control over the years.   Luck, serendipity, fate, kismet, and a lot of other names that do a good job describing what I’m thinking about today. I’ve also thought about what success means what I’d like for the Yusuf and Nooriya. I’ve tried to simplify it to being happy and not define it more than that. 

Being successful, whatever that means, requires a lot of luck/serendipity/fate/kismet. Whatever the word, it requires something you don’t control. It has been easier to remember Alhamdolillah about certain situations I’ve been in where I think things could be slightly different and way worse and Alhamdolillah it wasn’t. 

I’m thinking about the flip side. Working hard makes being successful more likely, but there is a significant portion of being successful that isn’t in your control. 

Taher, remember to think Alhamdolillah when things are good. Remember things could be slightly different and way worse. 

Mind

 Last week Zarha and I had a night out.  Really it was a night in, but it was a virtual night out.  It was awesome.  We attended this very entertaining Zoom magic show.  The tricks were very impressive.  I'm sure there was an explanation for all of them, but I have no idea.  It was wonderful.

We hadn't had time like this together for many months.  It was very welcome.   

There was one “trick” the magician did. He had us do it and then explained how it worked. I put “trick” in quotes because it wasn’t a trick at all.

He had us draw 3 shapes on a card - a line, a circle, and a dot. Then he had us hold a small object by a string over what we had drawn. The object swayed back and forth over the paper in the shape we had drawn  First, back and forth over a line.  Then, in a circular path above a circle.  Then, it didn’t move at all when it was over a dot.  

He proceeded to explain how our brain was making our hands do this.  It even had a name which escapes me.  I remember thinking that this was amazing.  It wasn’t a trick and there wasn’t any mystery.  Our minds have the power to control our actions even when our thoughts aren’t conscious.  The most amazing part of this is that we can train our brains similar to how we can train our muscles.

Taher, train your brain to be patient.  It will affect your actions.

Ikea

Yusuf did rozu on Sunday. I am very proud. 

We are having some work done at home and needed to return a bunch of stuff to ikea.  So much stuff that we couldn’t all fit in the car. It was a nice just Yusuf and me morning. We loaded up the car in rozu and were off. We talked and talked. We talked so much that we missed our exit...twice. It was wonderful. 

We got to ikea and unloaded the car for a while and waited a bunch in a couple different lines. Everything was finally successfully returned. 

We made another stop at the pet store nearby. I got to do some pre-Eid Eid shopping. He looked at some turtles and geckos and was pretty excited. 

This was awesome for me. It was such nice time with Yusuf. He noticed it was special too. On the way home he commented that it was a nice time and was glad to be with me. 

Then he said something beautiful that I don’t want to forget. He said we had a wonderful morning and got to spend a bunch of quality time together. He told me to think about all the cars on the road, they’re all on their way from something or to something and many of them are on their way from doing or about to do something special. 

Wow and beautiful!

Taher, listen carefully.  You will hear wise and beautiful things when you don’t expect  

Rozu

Yesterday, I did my first rozu for Ramadan. Often when I do rozu I get asked, “Rozu lageche?”  My response has almost always been something like no, it’s not hard or no, not at all. 

Yesterday, that wouldn’t have been an honest answer. To start the day, I woke up for namaz, but I overslept and didn’t wake up for sihori. I went back to bed and got some terrible sleep. I got out of bed late and missed seeing the kids before they left for school. I was really late to join a meeting. I had some computer trouble and had a really unproductive day at work. I was low energy all day and having a lot of trouble slowing down for Ramadan which I look forward to every year. My day was a bit off.

I sat on my masala close to maghreb doing Quran and waiting for my rozu to be over. I thought there are literally 1.8 billion other Muslims and many of them also had their first rozu after a while. I was finally having some of Ramadan clarity. There were probably so many people that were waiting to break their fast like I was. 

Each year I spend Ramadan trying to focus on one thing. This year I want to focus my effort on remembering that others have stuff going on and whatever they’re dealing with is more complicated than I know. All those people doing rozu had at least that going on. 

Taher, everyone has something going on and you likely don’t know. 

Vaccine

 I was lucky to get my 2nd vaccine today.  I even traded messages with a friend about planning a trip and return to normalcy.  I can't wait.

I got to my appointment and the site had switched vaccine types and I was getting redirected.  I was stressed out and anxious as I waited not knowing if I'd be able to get my vaccine today even.  I luckily got redirected to another site that same day.  I was a little annoyed because it was 40 minutes away and now I had to drive and wait some more.

I got there and in-line and followed the directions of the many folks that were there trying to do crowd control COVID style.  After a few stations, I got to a table in this large gym where I was gonna get a shot.  The person who gave me the shot proudly had her name tag affixed to her scrubs with band-aids.  Her name tag said she was a doctor and reminded me of how she and all those other people were spending their time for others.  Just today I was in two of these sites where there were hundreds of people working together to get this thing to end.  To think there are many of these people in many thousand of these sites all across the world working for this same thing.  That's looking out for everyone.  That's selflessness on a Saturday.

I came home and just finished watching one of my favorite movies.  I may have seen it a few times before:P  It had something new to me this time.  The people in the story are shut off from the outside world and many just stay home.  In the end, many of them come together against great odds to resist and win.  The story ends on a hopeful note and the main character saying "anyone can be a hero."

Taher, be hopeful and remember that anyone can be a hero.

Rushing Water

 Spring break!!

We finally took a mini trip. It’s just an hour and a half drive away and only for one night. But it feels so much further away and it’s been such a long time since we’ve taken a trip. It crossed my mind this morning that I might not even remember how to take a trip! Luckily, we did remember. 

We are here with the parents and the kids and it seems like it will be a very nice shared memory👍

We did a nice easy hike and along the way we came to a small stream and waterfall. It wasn’t a fantastic vista that people hike to, but it was nice and scenic. The moving water made me feel so peaceful. I stopped to just be at peace. Just for a moment. It was short, but it was so refreshing. I haven’t felt like that in a long time.  I realized I’m really busy, despite not doing much.

It reminded me that there’s this peaceful water that’s been there for a very very long time. The water is there all the time.  I realized again that it’s up to me to just go there and that refreshing feeling is just waiting for me.

Taher, find the rushing water in life.  It’s not far.

Listen

Zahra and I were watching a show with an older, wiser person and a younger, more immature person.  The wise person was once like the younger person.  It was obvious to the viewer they were very similar, but it wasn't really apparent to them.  It's easy to think that the younger one should just listen to the "wise" person.  I'm sure it'll all work out.

Real life is not so straightforward.  People are much more complex.  The kids are more complex.  They are shaped by every experience they have and it's tough realizing that I'm not part of or even privy to those experiences a growing portion of the time.  They're getting older and that will keep happening inshallah.  They'll also continue to get more complex.   

Taher, you're not "wise" just because you're older.  Don't ever forget that everyone has something going on.  Remembering that will make you a better listener.  Remember that when talking and listening to Yusuf and Nooriya. 

Maintenance

 Every so often I do "maintenance" with the kids.  It's the umbrella term for any projects and upkeep around the house.  I used to call it "construction", but I had to re-brand😅.  Anytime a filter needs changing, turning the sprinklers off, oiling the garage door, or buying anything that needs assembling I try to  include one or both kids as much as possible.  It's logistically difficult because they don't love it and they each have stuff to do and it would be way easier to just do it myself.  I set out to do it to have their company when they were really little, but over time it has become all about them.  They have a good sense of taking care of their house and the reframing as "maintenance" helps fit these projects in the bigger general taking care and pride in their house/space.   I hope they're learning to be self-reliant, they can fix stuff, and they are capable of learning to solve problems even if it's not their expertise.  My friend recently asked about me about what I do with them and aptly called these life skills.

This week we were mounting a projector in the basement on the ceiling.  It was a "maintenance" project.  I thought it would be easy and simple to do, but it wasn't and it required solving a lot of problems along the way.  It would have been way easier to tell them to "just watch" or to just do it myself.  I chose to include them and I'm glad I did.  

I'm reminded about when Nooriya dubbed me her pancake making helper.  The kids are much older now then they used to be and they have ideas on how to do things.  This was another reminder that someday they won't need me to help.  

Taher: it's tough, but it's worth it.  The kids are getting older; be their helper and sometimes just get out of the way.  

Scavenger Hunt

Yusuf has been working on creating a scavenger hunt for the kids nearby.  He was really thoughtful putting together the clues.  He was thoughtful to make sure they weren't too easy or too hard and that everyone from the youngest kids to the oldest kids would be included and engaged.  He thought about where he could and couldn't hide clues all up and down the street and at the park.

He was really thoughtful about the teams.  He wanted to make sure there was an even mix of intelligence and was sure there were older kids to chaperone the younger kids.  He tried very hard to appease everyone when they had requests about whose team they wanted to be on.  And he was very diplomatic in explaining about the requests he couldn't fill even if it didn't feel important to him.

After a few false starts the scavenger hunt was on.  It seemed like a good time for all and seemed to work out great.  A success!  

Later my dad commented that he was a natural leader.  My first thoughts were yeah and allhamdolillah.  I thought more about why.

Yusuf was thoughtful and it made him successful.  It played no small part in him being a leader.

Taher, be more thoughtful.

Leadership

 School has been interesting  this year to say the least.  So far I'm really impressed with how well the kids and teachers have adapted.

The other day I got to be with Nooriya during school for a bit.  It was pretty cool I thought.  She seemed pretty engaged even though it was a Zoom call.

Then something cool and unexpected to me happened.  She was sent to a virtual breakout room with some other kids.  It was pretty clear she was in charge and not in a bossy way at all.  There were maybe five other kids and she was directing them to do tasks.  It was cool for me to get to observe this which is probably her typical interaction with peers.  

There was something else I noticed.  From my perspective, she was clearly in charge.  It wasn't clear because she did most of the talking.  She did a lot of listening.  This virtual format requires that in a way.  Two people can't really talk at the same time if either of them want to be understood.  I love that she's learning to be a good listener right now.  She listened and then talked and was clearly a leader.

Taher listen better.

Cemetery Gates

 I have been to the qabrastan many times and the circumstances for going there always sucked.  I reflected on the qabrastan many years ago.  I thought about how it really sucked and yet it was cathartic and reminded me of what was important.  I vividly remember when I wrote this so long ago not thinking about myself being buried, but rather how many times I might have to do the burying.  I also vowed then to come back to visit the peaceful place when the circumstances didn't suck so much.

After many years, today I finally did go when it didn't suck so much.  It was the first time I was able to go and look at all the gravestones without a crowd of people and being there while someone was being buried.  I was still given a sense of focus though.  I had the chance to look at the many gravestones and think I knew that person and that person and that person...It was heartbreaking.  

I got the end of the people I knew and saw a name I recognized.  It was my friend's mom.  I was a little kid.  I was too young to remember much in detail, but I remember her and I remember the whole thing being sad.  I then noticed the dates.  She was 37 when she died.  What?! I then walked around again looking at these graves and all these people who passed away and looked at the dates.  There were so many people who died in their teens, 20's, 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s.  There were even some kids.  An 11 year old, that I remember dying when I was a kid.  My heart broke again.  Hard.  I think my heart broke the hardest when I got to the beginning.  There were two very little kids.  A 10 day old and a 15 day old.  I know the parents and I realized that so many of the people buried here were outlived by their parents.

This time, I did get that focus and was reminded about what's important without feeling that immense sense of loss that people feel when they lose someone they love. I didn’t think about losing people I love though. I thought the people who died and their loved ones and the many parents that lost a kid. I thought about what is going on in my life now and all the stuff people probably had going on in theirs when someone they loved died. I wasn’t there for a funeral and it was somehow more sad. 

Taher, everyone has got something going on.