More Jewels

Last year I got a a lot out of waaz. In addition to the many benefits of being there, I retained some simple take aways from last year. They were simple. Be generous, be thankful, and forgive. 

This year like last year was full of depth that’s hard to articulate. The asar is as powerful as it was last year. It’s made the be thankful take away from last year deeper. Simply, shukr isn’t only being happy with what you have it’s wanting more so you can do more. 

I have a couple simple take aways from this year so far. They are love and honesty. Not complicated, but very deep. I look forward to understanding these simple ideas more deeply next year or in the future just as shukr has more dimension for me now.

Taher, be honest. Taher, show love. 

Bad

The last little bit at work has been pretty stressful.  I think that stresses in life will just keep happening.  This work stress will dissipate and whatever I'm dealing with at work will be in the rearview eventually.  There will be another thing that stresses me out after this.  That too will eventually be in the rearview. Then another thing.  That's part of life I think.

I'm looking forward to Ashara this year.  It's coming up and I get to leave all this stuff behind.  It is a nice annual reminder that this life "stuff" isn't so bad.  I had this thought a few years back when I thought something terrible had happened.  Turns out it wasn't so bad.  I want to write this down as a reminder to future me.

Taher, it's not so bad.  Rember this.  It will make you smile every time.

Proud

 We took a road trip this Memorial Day.  That's not different from many other years.  Like many other times I stopped to do namaz.  I've told the kids many times when it's time for namaz we do namaz.  They see me and Zahra do namaz when it's time.  I've mostly been very understanding I think of what's happening and sometimes their priorities are not in the right order in my opinion when it comes to namaz, but they are kids and they are learning and growing like all of us hopefully.

We stopped on the way there and back when it was namaz time.  Both times they did namaz also.  And not because they were told.  They did it because it was namaz time and that's what they saw.  I was very proud.

Taher, don't forget that the kids see.

Connections

I get something more every time Moula does bayan. Today, there was a bayan about Moula Ali and Abizer and a rock. Moula Ali said to Abizer take that rock and Abizer wondered why he would want a rock. He took it following Moula Ali’s words and it turned into gold. Moula told him to only take what he needed to fulfill his promise and not more. Moula did not expand more, but I finally made a connection to another thing Moula has been encouraging us to do. Be mindful of our eating. Consider your appetite and not availability. Be satisfied and stop. It’s a healthier way to eat.  In general, it’s a better way to live. 

Moula also said give whatever you can. It could be just a pencil or a handkerchief or a bite of food.  It doesn’t have to be a big thing. This alone is beautiful. I finally connected it to the Moula Ali story. Abizer didn’t see the value of what Moula Ali said and then he did. Moula is telling us to give. We might not understand, but we may one day. 

Taher, take what you need and give whatever you can. 

Influence

 Every year in Ramadan I try to focus on one thing. This year it’s influence. 

I’ve heard or read many times in my life “lead by example” or something similar. Usually this is in a work context. It’s usually lead, but what doesn’t really talk about situations where you might not be a leader. 

Recently, I learned more about this thing that happens in our brains called Behavior Contagion. Our actions can be contagious and even change people’s brains. I like to think of this as influencing by example. I am not the best at articulating what I mean even to those small few who are patient enough with me to listen. Learning about this has taught me I don’t need to explain. Just do. 

Qualities can be contagious. Patience, honesty, humility, and understanding and can be contagious. I have an opportunity to pass it on. 

Taher, just do. Taher, smile more; it can be contagious. 

Habituation

 I'm learning about this new concept.  Humans have a diminished response to the same stimulus over time.  Things we once might have found new we might not even notice over time.

I was once filled with wonder going on a plane.  There were all these things I didn't understand.  Going on a plane is amazing.  You fly which is awesome.  There is even food on the plane.  One of my favorite memories is Yusuf getting a meal for the first time on a plane as a very little kid and exclaiming, "this is all for me?!".    You can even look out the window and get an amazing, different perspective on the world.  You live in the sky and at the end of it you're somewhere far away.  On vacation or visiting someone or doing something memorable, but almost always something good.

I've done it a few hundred times and now it's not wonderous anymore.  Something can only be wrong.  A flight get's delayed or a bag is late or there might be some other problem.  That's so sad.  I'm so used to it that I don't feel wonder, only possibly annoyed.

Taher, habituation probably happens all the time.  Remember the wonder.  Don't get so used to things that you don't notice the amazingness everyday.

Together

I’m reading a cool book about black holes. The book, like much of astronomy books, tries to put things into perspective that our brains can comprehend. 

This book did that in an amazing way. It talked about all the effort needed to take a picture of a black hole. The whole world had to cooperate in order to do it. The world had to coordinate a series of telescopes around the world to get a picture that was like, “reading the date off of a quarter in San Francisco from New York City”!  Wow!  Humans are capable of doing amazing things when they cooperate. 

Taher, work with others. Remember Taher, it’s amazing what people can accomplish together. 

One

I make sure to listen to people when they talk about family stuff and things that they say that they may not think anyone is really listening.  Especially at work.  Part of being seen by others is seeing them as well.  One doesn't happen without the other.

As I often do, I sent a note to someone at work to say thank you for doing that thing a while back and added a little something to let them know I was listening to the detail they shared.  It seemed somewhat insignificant.  It must have been important enough to them to mention though.  I got a note back saying their day was made.  I have no idea what they might have been dealing with, but it just took one note to make their day.

Taher, one positive thing is sometimes all it takes.  Say the nice thing.  It might make someone's day.

Representation

Today a young woman was courageous enough to say hi to me when I was taking a break in the kitchen having a snack. She introduced herself and I invited her to sit and join me.  She commented on how cool my topi was and asked if I was muslim.  She also shared that she usually wears her hijab and that she didn't see anyone like her at work.  This made me sad.  Then she asked me if I felt comfortable wearing my topi here and about my journey.  I'm not shy about it, but I usually don't share.  Mostly, I don't think people care that much.  But she asked.  I was happy to share and I told her that I did feel comfortable and my experience at Zurich is that people respect me.

It may have just been my topi or it may have been something more.  Something made this young woman ask me about my journey and considered what I said on her own.  She later emailed me thanking me for the advice.  I shared, but didn't give any:)  I think and hope that she felt a little more seen today.

Taher, be yourself.  Be visible and put yourself out there.  Sometimes that's all it takes for someone else to feel seen.

Regret

There is one instance in my recent memory I wish I had behaved differently.

Not too long ago I was doing namaz in public the way I've done so many times before.  This time was different.  Someone confronted me when I was doing namaz.  I wasn't scared at all.  It wasn't confrontational, but the other person was definitely adversarial.  I was civil and nice enough and I even said, "have a great day" at the end of our interaction.  I regret not being outwardly nicer.  I have thought about what I regret and what I still think about before.  In my head, I was nice, but he didn't know that.  He could have easily interpreted what I thought was pleasant as me being sarcastic when I said, "have a great day".  Mostly, I regret not taking an opportunity to have a good interaction and possibly brighten someone's day.

Taher, learn from this.  It's not enough to think it.  Do it and make it clear.

Kindness

I've often confused the words nice and kind.  They are not the same.  It's important to be kind.  That's easy to know.  It's not so important to be nice.  Being nice often manifests being nice for it to be known by others and being kind is not for others.

This is why it's so important to give without anyone knowing.  It's important to do this.  It's an important takeaway from the mushkeywala riwayat.

Taher, strive to be kind.  Don't strive to be nice.

Word choice

How someone feels when they come to my house matters. I want to be responsible generally for making people feel good. That’s being human. I want very much to have them leave my house with a feeling that they remember. I remember when someone made me feel like that and it left an impression that has lasted years. 

Last night, we had people over and I tripped over my words. My offer of a ride came out as something else. I immediately corrected myself and tried again. I hope they don’t remember my poor word choice. I will unfortunately. I know they won’t leave with that feeling I was going for though😞. 

Taher, word choice matters. Choose your words carefully. 

Pay It Forward

 I heard an interview and part of it was biographical.  The interviewer asked about regret and said something along the lines of "your regrets are a reflection of what you value".

This got me to think about my regrets.  I have one regret that's bugged me for a while.  About 5 years ago, the person in front of me in line at the cafeteria forgot his wallet.  He only realized he couldn't pay when he was ready to go.  He left in a hurry to get his wallet.  I wasn't fast enough to offer to buy his food.  It bugged me that day that I didn’t help out and I still think about it.

Taher, remember what you value.  This is what you regret years later.

Dunkin

I was having a long day and got some afternoon coffee.  My dessert coffee, DD😀.  I saw a man doing Asar namaz in the parking lot.  It looked as if this man had done this many times and it was easy for him.  I've done namaz in public too many times.  It's easy for me now.  It wasn't always.  When I saw him, I felt a bunch of things and mostly felt that that looked hard and he did it anyway.  It was inspiring.  It makes me want to do more good despite being difficult.

Taher, do good even if it's hard.  Someone might see and be inspired to do good.

Working Backward

 There's a lot of probability in my work and a lot of potential biases.  There's very little in work or in life that's 100% certain.  In other words, there isn't usually an exactly right or exactly wrong decision.  There's a bias about projections.  Trying to reconcile what our future self would want with what we want now.  Think grocery shopping while hungry.  Not a great idea:P

There is a compounding effect.  It's easy to be way off about our future self when we think several decisions ahead.  Backcasting takes a different approach.  It's kind of the opposite of forecasting.  It's starting with the goal and working backwards to get there.

Taher, think about you're goal and then act.  There may not be a 100% right decision, but there's definitely a better one.

Jewels

 I feel so lucky to be here in Paris listening to Moula’s waaz relay everyday. I often wonder what took so long. I’ve thought a lot about the path that led here. I even wrote about it a while back. 

It’s just a few days in. I know I’ll not retain many of the details after long, but I’m confident the impression will remain. I can already tell. Some of the themes aren’t earth shaking. However, they’re easy to forget. I’ll do well with a reminder. The themes I’ve taken away so far are simple generosity, thankfulness, and forgiveness. Moula reminded us that life is short and not to wait for tomorrow. 

Taher, be generous now. Taher, be thankful now. Taher, forgive now. 

Debit Card

 Yesterday Yusuf had a milestone.  One of those where he probably didn't give it a second thought and thinks what's the big deal and this is boring.  He opened his first bank account and got a debit card.  I got to go with him.  Chase made us go to the bank with an appointment and everything.  We had to both be there.  At first, I thought this whole thing was annoying. I thought "why can't I just do this online?".  We were at the bank for an HOUR!  What?!

This wasn't very exciting and Yusuf I'm sure thought it was boring at times as the person helping us patiently took our information and walked us through the online portal.  It was boring, but it had some cool moments.  Yusuf got some checks.  He turned to me and asked "Abba, how do these work?".  He asked questions like, "what if I try to spend more money than I have?" and "what's a savings account?".  He had to sign a bunch of electronic disclosures.  Stupid things I've agreed to a thousand times before.  It was his first.  He turned to me and asked, "Abba, is it ok to click next?".

On the whole, it was kind of boring, but there were moments that starkly reminded me this was momentous.

Taher, be there.  Sometimes he still needs you to tell him it's ok.

Picture

 This is one of my favorite pictures. I like it so much that I have it my closet. I see it every day. 

I took this picture over 20 years ago. I was in Israel and it felt amazing to be there. It was before I had a digital camera and could see the image instantly. I had to wait days to see the pic and it came out great.  I’ve got a great reminder that takes me back there. Every day I look at the picture and feel full of possibility. 

Taher, do cool stuff. You may not realize or see it, but it may be amazing in the future. 

Red light

 Red is on top for a reason. 

Taher, stop first. Then act/speak.

Luck

It’s easy for me to fall in the trap of thinking “you get what you deserve”.  I don’t think that’s true mostly. It follows logically that “it’s your fault “.  I don’t think that. That’s insensitive and just not cool. I guess what I’m trying to remember is that the strange thing about being lucky is it’s easy to forget you’re lucky. Little is in our control. That’s not an excuse to not try, but a key to being happy. 

Taher, remember you are lucky and you are not responsible.

By example

I’ve recently had the opportunity to do some volunteer stuff. It was most important to me to make the kids a part of it. I wanted to do this with them and I talked about it so much that they think it’s routine. I reminded them about it so often that they were a bit sick of me bringing it up, but it’s important. It should be top of mind for them. 

I think volunteering is important in part because I get to do it with them. I’m realizing it’s just as important to do it so they see. They see. They notice. They internalize. 

Taher, the kids are watching. 

Activity

It’s Ramadan again and I want to write something down. Each year I like to focus on something. Each year one of the things I like to do is just sit and slow down. I think it seems like a convenient way to avoid doing things. At masjid, it may appear as skipping a chance for ibadaat. 

I see sitting and slowing down as a form of ibadaat. I hope I’m right.  Sitting still used to be passive for me. It’s different now. Slowing down is an active choice and not the absence of a choice. Being still makes me more patient and a better listener.

Taher, sit and actively be still. 

Ride

 Last night it was my good fortune to help someone out. It was raining and dark and this woman’s car was blocked. It was my friend’s mom. I offered her a ride home and was able to drive her. 

Whenever I get the chance to help someone older, my thought is when any of my 4 parents need a hand I hope there is a friendly face they find who lends a hand. I had that thought and another one. 

I hope Yusuf and Nooriya have that same thought when they see someone who could use a hand. I would be so happy if they think helping people benefits Zahra and me. They weren’t there to see me help, but I made sure to tell them. 

Taher, help because it’s awesome. Also, help because it’s good for your moms and dads and help because it’s eventually good for Zahra and me. 

Fresh Eyes

I have this wonderful memory of sitting in Moula Ali’s roza for the first time this past year. The memory evokes what I was feeling. This rare calm in my experience. I was there with a friend that noticed me just sitting there. I’m not sure what he saw or noticed, but he commented “I remember my first time here just taking it in. Enjoy!”

There’s this wonderful and fleeting feeling I think I get the first time experiencing something whether it’s watching the sunrise on the first morning of vacation, hearing Yusuf declare his soccer slump is over, Nooriya’s gymnastics meet, or more generally stopping to think about all I get to do.

I say fleeting because it’s easy to get used to whatever and probably a little natural to take stuff for granted. 

Taher, it doesn’t have to be the first time or rare. Stop more often and look again. There’s a whole lot of stuff you take for granted. 

Shift

I heard a story that was inspiring. I’ve heard the story many times before and thought I got it, but I heard it again and a different commentary at the end. It’s the well known story of the Good Samaritan. Just help people.  Stop to help people. Simple. 

I understood a new layer of the story after hearing it again. It was just flipping a simple question. “What happens to me if I help?” was asked differently. It was posed as, “What happens to the other person if I don’t help?”.

Taher, shift your thinking. 

Karbala

I was expecting our trip to be Karbala and Najaf to be spiritual and rejuvenating. No surprise it it is. 

What I wasn’t expecting is that this is not a Bohra experience. Most of the ziyarats and significant places I’ve been have been almost exclusively Bohra or in an intolerant mostly Sunni environment where I felt like I was hiding what I was feeling in some way or doing something which felt secretive. 

Coming here I didn’t expect to feel a serenity and  calmness from watching others from all over do Moula Ali’s and Moula Husain’s and shohada’s ziyarat. Not just other Bohras, but many other Muslims of all types visiting these places and being visibly overwhelmed. I think to myself they didn’t have the nice Faiz rooms, knowledgeable guides, comfortable tours, regular good meals, and endless chai. 

They had to think about all sorts of practical things that I just don’t have to think about. It makes it all the more moving just to watch. Today there was another matam majalis at Imam Husain’s ziyarat. It’s wonderful we have this organized way to express ourselves. I doubt many people understood what we were saying, but it was clear what we were doing when we were yelling ya Ali or ya Husain. I  looked up and saw many non Bohras joined in and were doing matam with us and many taking videos seemingly because they were moved. It was beautiful. 

Taher, remember how you felt when you wrote this. Taher, remember love is love. 

Handstand

Nooriya had her 6th grade social this past weekend.  It was at a gym/ninja warrior place.  Fun and physically demanding.  The physically demanding plays to Nooriya's strengths.

She had a great time.

At the end, the whole 6th grade did a handstand contest.  It wasn't split boys and girls.  A handstand contest was right up her alley.  She's awesome at this.  The whole grade did a handstand and whoever could hold it the longest wins.  Nooriya can hold a handstand for a really long time.  She won! They stopped timing because everyone else was just waiting:P

I'm super proud of her.  Not only because she won and she's awesome.  I'm most proud of her because of her attitude.  She was of course gracious.  She was also fearless.  She won because she thought I'm good at this and it doesn't matter who else is in this boy or girl.   It seemed like that never even crossed her mind and it shouldn't.

Taher, be proud because she's awesome and be proud because of her attitude.

Evidence

 I am reading a book and the title of the section is “Data Schmata”. The point is that data isn’t necessarily a good thing. It reminds that how people feel is important. ‘It’ usually isn’t about having data or important to convince people of whatever with data. It is far more important to appeal to the way someone feels.  The author writes that using lots of data can be a “way to substitute the true with the complicated”.  I think that’s a more eloquent way of saying don’t try to persuade without thinking about how someone feels. 

Taher, it is ALWAYS more important how someone feels than being right. 

Intangible

 A few weeks into the school year we got a nice email from Yusuf's math teacher.  It wasn't overly effusive, but it was very nice.  It called him a leader and said that the other students already look to him for help.  It made me super proud and got me thinking.

I'm so proud and recognize this quality that Yusuf seems to have already and that he's growing into.  It's very hard to articulate.  It's kind of intangible and his teacher recognized it and called him a "definite leader".  I think she recognizes the same quality.  It's easy to see in my opinion and very hard to articulate.  I think throughout his life people will say stuff like "he's so nice" and otherwise give him credit for stuff.  He is still 13:), but he has an ability to genuinely interact with people and they respond to that.  I don't know the right word.  Genuine isn't it.  He can be a good listener, but that isn't it.  It's recognizing others on a very basic level.  It's a quality that is hard to find and will do him well.  Alhamdolillah.

Taher, remember to listen and observe more.

Generational Wealth

Today I had the opportunity to help some folks with some Medicare stuff. I was very excited. I don’t often have the chance to help people using my work stuff; I jump at the very infrequent chance to help someone with my professional skills. 

This couple is an old friend of my parents. After an hour of listening and explaining the very dry nuances of health insurance, the conversation turned to my parents. They’d been friends with my parents for over 40 some years. Longer than I’ve been around.  They had some wonderful stuff to say about my dad. Some professional as they used to work together and some personal as they had a mutual friend who dad went above and beyond to help. 

On the heels of that, they said something that made me super proud. They said, “you talk like your dad.”  I don’t really; I think they meant you’re like him for helping. They saw me in this very positive way in large part because of my dad and their connection to him. 

Taher, help people.  It’s awesome to help people.  Also, do it because it will affect the way people interact with Yusuf and Nooriya years from now. 

Generosity

 I didn’t write this, but want to be sure to come back and read this. 

—

‘I sought ‘praise’ and found it in generosity’. Amirul Mumineen’s AS kalam mubarak is replete with meaning that offers insight into the different understandings of praise.

Mehmadah refers to praise and those acts with which one may be deemed ‘praiseworthy’. By being generous, especially in times of adversity, one finds acclaim and admiration. 

—

Be generous Taher. 

Just do it

Taher, you’re in your 40s. You are old and wise now😅. Sometimes just do it or sometimes refrain from doing it😅. Not like when you were young. Not without regard for consequence. Rather with regard to consequence. Ask yourself, “is this going to matter?”  

Taher, if the answer is no then do the thing that makes the other person and you feel good. 

40

 Yay!

I get the day after my birthday off every year and am usually on vacation. It’s wonderful. I’ve gotten to another milestone birthday, Alhamdolillah. 

Things are changing at what feels like a faster pace. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be reflecting on, but I keep thinking about my dad. I’m now at the age he was when I was born. I think about how moving it was during his heart surgery recovery.  Alhamdolillah, he’s gotten to celebrate more milestones after that. Time after time friends and family show up for him. I’ve gotten to hear very memorable stories and very meaningful things his friends have said. 

Taher, do meaningful things that people will remember and make them want to show up for you.  Nooriya is eleven.  You have an eleven year head start.

12 Years

We get to visit someone after 12 years. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen her. 

I’m very excited to be able to meet her parents again. I remember them being nice and parenty I guess. I hadn’t really thought about how exceptionally nice they were twelve years ago. 

They opened their home so warmly to us. We arrived late at night, probably after 1am with Yusuf who was then a cute, but loud baby. I remember very well that they stayed up to meet us and had way more food than we could possibly eat waiting for us. They had rooms and beds prepared for us too thoughtfully directing us to essentials we would need and I remember them saying make yourself at home and really meaning it. I recall thinking this is so nice. 

I didn’t really think of their perspective until the other day. We were essentially strangers. One of us was friends with their adult kid and far away too. We had a loud baby that we we’re bringing in to their otherwise quiet home. And we probably demanded quiet because the baby was sleeping at probably seemingly random times. We arrived late at night and they were up. At the time, I didn’t think much of this. We were young and parenting a newborn. We were up all the time and whenever. I’m pretty sure they weren’t. 

I realize that they probably did this for all the people that came to their home and this wasn’t out of the ordinary. It was personal for me and they made me feel welcome. 

Taher, pay it forward. Change the world one interaction at a time. 

Never Change

 Road trip!

We were all in the car today and a song came on I hadn’t heard in a while. The las time I heard it was when Nooriya and I had a night out together. It was super special and I even wrote about it. 

She’s starting to go through a time in her life where hanging out with me is not going to be what she wants to do. This song reminds me this won’t always be how she feels. 

—

Yeah, some things never change
Like the love that I feel for her
Some things stay the same

—

Taher, be patient and listen to the lyrics because sometimes Disney songs are awesome.

Luck

I’ve thought a lot about plans and control over the years.   Luck, serendipity, fate, kismet, and a lot of other names that do a good job describing what I’m thinking about today. I’ve also thought about what success means what I’d like for the Yusuf and Nooriya. I’ve tried to simplify it to being happy and not define it more than that. 

Being successful, whatever that means, requires a lot of luck/serendipity/fate/kismet. Whatever the word, it requires something you don’t control. It has been easier to remember Alhamdolillah about certain situations I’ve been in where I think things could be slightly different and way worse and Alhamdolillah it wasn’t. 

I’m thinking about the flip side. Working hard makes being successful more likely, but there is a significant portion of being successful that isn’t in your control. 

Taher, remember to think Alhamdolillah when things are good. Remember things could be slightly different and way worse. 

Mind

 Last week Zarha and I had a night out.  Really it was a night in, but it was a virtual night out.  It was awesome.  We attended this very entertaining Zoom magic show.  The tricks were very impressive.  I'm sure there was an explanation for all of them, but I have no idea.  It was wonderful.

We hadn't had time like this together for many months.  It was very welcome.   

There was one “trick” the magician did. He had us do it and then explained how it worked. I put “trick” in quotes because it wasn’t a trick at all.

He had us draw 3 shapes on a card - a line, a circle, and a dot. Then he had us hold a small object by a string over what we had drawn. The object swayed back and forth over the paper in the shape we had drawn  First, back and forth over a line.  Then, in a circular path above a circle.  Then, it didn’t move at all when it was over a dot.  

He proceeded to explain how our brain was making our hands do this.  It even had a name which escapes me.  I remember thinking that this was amazing.  It wasn’t a trick and there wasn’t any mystery.  Our minds have the power to control our actions even when our thoughts aren’t conscious.  The most amazing part of this is that we can train our brains similar to how we can train our muscles.

Taher, train your brain to be patient.  It will affect your actions.

Ikea

Yusuf did rozu on Sunday. I am very proud. 

We are having some work done at home and needed to return a bunch of stuff to ikea.  So much stuff that we couldn’t all fit in the car. It was a nice just Yusuf and me morning. We loaded up the car in rozu and were off. We talked and talked. We talked so much that we missed our exit...twice. It was wonderful. 

We got to ikea and unloaded the car for a while and waited a bunch in a couple different lines. Everything was finally successfully returned. 

We made another stop at the pet store nearby. I got to do some pre-Eid Eid shopping. He looked at some turtles and geckos and was pretty excited. 

This was awesome for me. It was such nice time with Yusuf. He noticed it was special too. On the way home he commented that it was a nice time and was glad to be with me. 

Then he said something beautiful that I don’t want to forget. He said we had a wonderful morning and got to spend a bunch of quality time together. He told me to think about all the cars on the road, they’re all on their way from something or to something and many of them are on their way from doing or about to do something special. 

Wow and beautiful!

Taher, listen carefully.  You will hear wise and beautiful things when you don’t expect  

Rozu

Yesterday, I did my first rozu for Ramadan. Often when I do rozu I get asked, “Rozu lageche?”  My response has almost always been something like no, it’s not hard or no, not at all. 

Yesterday, that wouldn’t have been an honest answer. To start the day, I woke up for namaz, but I overslept and didn’t wake up for sihori. I went back to bed and got some terrible sleep. I got out of bed late and missed seeing the kids before they left for school. I was really late to join a meeting. I had some computer trouble and had a really unproductive day at work. I was low energy all day and having a lot of trouble slowing down for Ramadan which I look forward to every year. My day was a bit off.

I sat on my masala close to maghreb doing Quran and waiting for my rozu to be over. I thought there are literally 1.8 billion other Muslims and many of them also had their first rozu after a while. I was finally having some of Ramadan clarity. There were probably so many people that were waiting to break their fast like I was. 

Each year I spend Ramadan trying to focus on one thing. This year I want to focus my effort on remembering that others have stuff going on and whatever they’re dealing with is more complicated than I know. All those people doing rozu had at least that going on. 

Taher, everyone has something going on and you likely don’t know. 

Vaccine

 I was lucky to get my 2nd vaccine today.  I even traded messages with a friend about planning a trip and return to normalcy.  I can't wait.

I got to my appointment and the site had switched vaccine types and I was getting redirected.  I was stressed out and anxious as I waited not knowing if I'd be able to get my vaccine today even.  I luckily got redirected to another site that same day.  I was a little annoyed because it was 40 minutes away and now I had to drive and wait some more.

I got there and in-line and followed the directions of the many folks that were there trying to do crowd control COVID style.  After a few stations, I got to a table in this large gym where I was gonna get a shot.  The person who gave me the shot proudly had her name tag affixed to her scrubs with band-aids.  Her name tag said she was a doctor and reminded me of how she and all those other people were spending their time for others.  Just today I was in two of these sites where there were hundreds of people working together to get this thing to end.  To think there are many of these people in many thousand of these sites all across the world working for this same thing.  That's looking out for everyone.  That's selflessness on a Saturday.

I came home and just finished watching one of my favorite movies.  I may have seen it a few times before:P  It had something new to me this time.  The people in the story are shut off from the outside world and many just stay home.  In the end, many of them come together against great odds to resist and win.  The story ends on a hopeful note and the main character saying "anyone can be a hero."

Taher, be hopeful and remember that anyone can be a hero.

Rushing Water

 Spring break!!

We finally took a mini trip. It’s just an hour and a half drive away and only for one night. But it feels so much further away and it’s been such a long time since we’ve taken a trip. It crossed my mind this morning that I might not even remember how to take a trip! Luckily, we did remember. 

We are here with the parents and the kids and it seems like it will be a very nice shared memory👍

We did a nice easy hike and along the way we came to a small stream and waterfall. It wasn’t a fantastic vista that people hike to, but it was nice and scenic. The moving water made me feel so peaceful. I stopped to just be at peace. Just for a moment. It was short, but it was so refreshing. I haven’t felt like that in a long time.  I realized I’m really busy, despite not doing much.

It reminded me that there’s this peaceful water that’s been there for a very very long time. The water is there all the time.  I realized again that it’s up to me to just go there and that refreshing feeling is just waiting for me.

Taher, find the rushing water in life.  It’s not far.

Listen

Zahra and I were watching a show with an older, wiser person and a younger, more immature person.  The wise person was once like the younger person.  It was obvious to the viewer they were very similar, but it wasn't really apparent to them.  It's easy to think that the younger one should just listen to the "wise" person.  I'm sure it'll all work out.

Real life is not so straightforward.  People are much more complex.  The kids are more complex.  They are shaped by every experience they have and it's tough realizing that I'm not part of or even privy to those experiences a growing portion of the time.  They're getting older and that will keep happening inshallah.  They'll also continue to get more complex.   

Taher, you're not "wise" just because you're older.  Don't ever forget that everyone has something going on.  Remembering that will make you a better listener.  Remember that when talking and listening to Yusuf and Nooriya. 

Maintenance

 Every so often I do "maintenance" with the kids.  It's the umbrella term for any projects and upkeep around the house.  I used to call it "construction", but I had to re-brand😅.  Anytime a filter needs changing, turning the sprinklers off, oiling the garage door, or buying anything that needs assembling I try to  include one or both kids as much as possible.  It's logistically difficult because they don't love it and they each have stuff to do and it would be way easier to just do it myself.  I set out to do it to have their company when they were really little, but over time it has become all about them.  They have a good sense of taking care of their house and the reframing as "maintenance" helps fit these projects in the bigger general taking care and pride in their house/space.   I hope they're learning to be self-reliant, they can fix stuff, and they are capable of learning to solve problems even if it's not their expertise.  My friend recently asked about me about what I do with them and aptly called these life skills.

This week we were mounting a projector in the basement on the ceiling.  It was a "maintenance" project.  I thought it would be easy and simple to do, but it wasn't and it required solving a lot of problems along the way.  It would have been way easier to tell them to "just watch" or to just do it myself.  I chose to include them and I'm glad I did.  

I'm reminded about when Nooriya dubbed me her pancake making helper.  The kids are much older now then they used to be and they have ideas on how to do things.  This was another reminder that someday they won't need me to help.  

Taher: it's tough, but it's worth it.  The kids are getting older; be their helper and sometimes just get out of the way.  

Scavenger Hunt

Yusuf has been working on creating a scavenger hunt for the kids nearby.  He was really thoughtful putting together the clues.  He was thoughtful to make sure they weren't too easy or too hard and that everyone from the youngest kids to the oldest kids would be included and engaged.  He thought about where he could and couldn't hide clues all up and down the street and at the park.

He was really thoughtful about the teams.  He wanted to make sure there was an even mix of intelligence and was sure there were older kids to chaperone the younger kids.  He tried very hard to appease everyone when they had requests about whose team they wanted to be on.  And he was very diplomatic in explaining about the requests he couldn't fill even if it didn't feel important to him.

After a few false starts the scavenger hunt was on.  It seemed like a good time for all and seemed to work out great.  A success!  

Later my dad commented that he was a natural leader.  My first thoughts were yeah and allhamdolillah.  I thought more about why.

Yusuf was thoughtful and it made him successful.  It played no small part in him being a leader.

Taher, be more thoughtful.

Leadership

 School has been interesting  this year to say the least.  So far I'm really impressed with how well the kids and teachers have adapted.

The other day I got to be with Nooriya during school for a bit.  It was pretty cool I thought.  She seemed pretty engaged even though it was a Zoom call.

Then something cool and unexpected to me happened.  She was sent to a virtual breakout room with some other kids.  It was pretty clear she was in charge and not in a bossy way at all.  There were maybe five other kids and she was directing them to do tasks.  It was cool for me to get to observe this which is probably her typical interaction with peers.  

There was something else I noticed.  From my perspective, she was clearly in charge.  It wasn't clear because she did most of the talking.  She did a lot of listening.  This virtual format requires that in a way.  Two people can't really talk at the same time if either of them want to be understood.  I love that she's learning to be a good listener right now.  She listened and then talked and was clearly a leader.

Taher listen better.

Cemetery Gates

 I have been to the qabrastan many times and the circumstances for going there always sucked.  I reflected on the qabrastan many years ago.  I thought about how it really sucked and yet it was cathartic and reminded me of what was important.  I vividly remember when I wrote this so long ago not thinking about myself being buried, but rather how many times I might have to do the burying.  I also vowed then to come back to visit the peaceful place when the circumstances didn't suck so much.

After many years, today I finally did go when it didn't suck so much.  It was the first time I was able to go and look at all the gravestones without a crowd of people and being there while someone was being buried.  I was still given a sense of focus though.  I had the chance to look at the many gravestones and think I knew that person and that person and that person...It was heartbreaking.  

I got the end of the people I knew and saw a name I recognized.  It was my friend's mom.  I was a little kid.  I was too young to remember much in detail, but I remember her and I remember the whole thing being sad.  I then noticed the dates.  She was 37 when she died.  What?! I then walked around again looking at these graves and all these people who passed away and looked at the dates.  There were so many people who died in their teens, 20's, 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s.  There were even some kids.  An 11 year old, that I remember dying when I was a kid.  My heart broke again.  Hard.  I think my heart broke the hardest when I got to the beginning.  There were two very little kids.  A 10 day old and a 15 day old.  I know the parents and I realized that so many of the people buried here were outlived by their parents.

This time, I did get that focus and was reminded about what's important without feeling that immense sense of loss that people feel when they lose someone they love. I didn’t think about losing people I love though. I thought the people who died and their loved ones and the many parents that lost a kid. I thought about what is going on in my life now and all the stuff people probably had going on in theirs when someone they loved died. I wasn’t there for a funeral and it was somehow more sad. 

Taher, everyone has got something going on. 

Abba!

Plan A

I have been going back and forth on how much control I have over plans.  I’m not so sure. The details don’t go to plan all the time for sure, but maybe the big stuff is part of the plan. It has to be. So many times in my life I’ve taken a moment to think that so many, many things had to go exactly “right” for something to happen the way it did.

I’m here, I met Zahra at the exact right time, Yusuf and Nooriya came into our lives, and so many, many other things that I can’t list.

Taher, it may not be part of your plan A, but there is a plan. 

Audible

These last couple months have upended a lot of things for lots of people. Things are definitely very different now. We’ve developed some good habits and adjusted a bunch. We have definitely changed a bunch of things. I am mostly happy with how things have gone for us and proud of how we have adapted. I do consider my self a look-at-the-bright side person, but hopefully not annoyingly so.

COVID and the last couple months have made clear to me that my plans don’t matter. Some stuff will happen whether I want it to or not. Like pretty much everyone else, I didn’t expect any of this and it changed a bunch of my plans both short term and long term.

Taher, plans change and it’s not in your control. Go with the flow and be happy. 

Hope

Hope is like the sun. If you only believe it when you see it you'll never make it through the night.

Pet Peeve

I've gotten to spend a lot of time with Zahra, Yusuf, and Nooriya.  I've reminded myself that I really like my roommates.

I have been thinking a lot about ‘annoying’ this Ramadan. I’ve wondered to myself more than a few times recently, “am I being annoying?”.  I think ‘probably’, shrug, and continue doing whatever it is I was doing in a less annoying way I hope.

I know that Yusuf and Nooriya find some stuff I do annoying. I make the same joke every opportunity. I realize they stopped thinking it was funny a long time ago. Whenever they are telling me something they often say rhetorically, “guess what”. I make them stop and listen to me guess something totally outrageous and unrelated as they roll their eyes. I also ask totally stupid questions when they are explaining something. It’s often met with, “Abba stop!”.  They didn’t really think it was funny when they were 4. I’m not going to stop though.  It’s my thing.

I’ve realized that some stuff I’ve found annoying in the past no longer is. It used to annoy me to get directions when I knew where I was going. It used to annoy me when people would ask if I’m eating enough. These things don’t annoy me anymore. In fact, it’s often the opposite now.

Taher, you don’t have to be annoyed. It’s not easy, but sometimes what’s left is awesome. Taher, know that one day Yusuf and Nooriya will stop being annoyed with your stupid jokes and they’ll see what’s left. 

Giving

This year for Eid I was able to give Zarha something super special.  It wasn't an object or material.  I learned a song for her.  It took me months.  I was obsessed with getting it right.  I practiced all the time.  I literally practiced a thousand times.

It was all I thought about.  The song was stuck in my head.  It played in my head all day and even was the soundtrack to many of my dreams.

I thought about the perfect way to give it to her.  I thought about what I would say and what I would do.  I thought about where I would give it, where Zahra would sit, what Yusuf would do, what Nooriya would do, how to make sure everyone was in a good mood, how to prevent any interruptions from our phones, that the camera had enough memory, and every other detail I could think of.

Along the way, I realized something.  I started doing this completely thinking about Zahra.  I was consumed with making sure that it was just right for her.  I started out doing this completely for someone else.  Along the way something unexpected happened.  At some point, though, it became an amazing present for me.  The present was getting to give and hopefully make someone else happy.

I read this post I wrote almost six years ago about 'The Giving Tree'.  The story had a new dimension for me.  Basically, the tree gives and gives and ends with the tree being happy.   I understand the end part more now.

The Beatles said it, Zahra said it, and probably some other smart people too.

All you need is love.

Taher, remember how giving made you feel. 

Random

Every Ramadaan I focus on something and I usually write a blog about it.  This year Ramadaan has been weird.  Life is weird and different.  I have been thinking a lot about something this year. Randomness.

Aspects of this quarantine suck, some are awesome, and some things are not changed very much. It’s weird. I reprimanded my mom for trying to give me a hug. What the F?!!  What is happening?  I don’t know and I can’t even think of a possible reason for so many people to be affected. Maybe that’s the point Taher. Humans were just not made to understand.  I'm remembering a book from my youth that made an impression on me and reading some of the posts I've made about it over the years.

Taher, there’s many times to come that you won’t understand. It’s not random though. Everything will be ok. 

I still have no idea

I’m rereading my post from 2012. I probably still have no idea and as I predicted 8 years ago I’m rolling my eyes. I did know I would love everyone even more than then. I was right about that too. 

Another day

I heard this Beatles’ song as I was working out this morning. The lyrics were very sad at first...

“

Every day she takes a morning bath she wets her hair
Wraps a towel around her as she's heading for the bedroom chair
It's just another day
Slipping into stockings, stepping into shoes
Dipping in the pocket of her raincoat
It's just another day
At the office where the papers grow she takes a break
Drinks another coffe and she finds it hard to stay awake
It's just another day

Do do do do do do, it's just another day
Do do do do do do, it's just another day

So sad, so sad
Sometimes she feels so sad

“

Then I realized another day is awesome. It’s another opportunity. As pedestrian as this sounds, another day is another chance to be better than yesterday. The Beatles have some of the best lyrics, even when they’re totally misinterpreted 😄

Taher, you’ve got another day. 

Path

Our TV has a screensaver and I saw a picture of myself from years ago.  I remember how happy and full of shukur I was.  I also remember realizing how much shukur I wasn't doing being around some people with incredible attitudes of the time they got to do qadambosi.

This situation is so....I'm sitting here thinking about all the ways to finish that sentence.  There's so much going on and Alhamdolillah we're all healthy.  We've managed to incorporate a bunch of positive habits that just make us feel good.  We spend more time together now.  We eat together.  We don't simply eat at the same time; we eat together in the taal.  We listen to each other more.  And like normal people we sometimes lose our patience, but then we remember why we're feeling the way we are and it just seems stupid especially considering what many are dealing with.  Yesterday we spent an hour raising our collective blood pressure about perler beads!

We do namaz together at home.  And not just at the same time.  Moula gave me raza to do imamat namaz at home.  I didn't think I'd ever do that in my life.

I started writing about the picture that I've seen a thousand times before.  It's a picture of the moment Burhanuddin Moula gave me my Mufhusiyat.  It came up and I stared at it in awe.  I knew it was awesome then.  It felt like I had reached something amazing then.  I had no idea the path it would lead me on and no idea that would lead here.

Taher, do that thing you know is amazing even if you don't know why.  Do it even if it's hard.

Shukur

I was reminded of my brother’s ziyafat years ago. I remember him giving two teenage girls a pass to do qadambosi. It was the first chance they had in their lives and they lived in a place Moula is often. I was there with my 1 and 3 year old to do qadambosi that I thought to be a foregone conclusion. They were so so so happy and reacted in a way I vividly remember to this unexpected opportunity. They were overjoyed. It was so meaningful. It made me re-think my shukur for getting to be with Moula in Misr. I thought Alhamdolillah, but I imagine it was just a fraction of what these girls felt. There is more shukur to do. 

Giant Tiger

The title of this post probably isn't apt or good.  I don't really even know what I want to write about.  

I do know I want to write something.  I am feeling so many things -shukur, frustration, and boredom just to name a few.  I hope that things return to some kind of normal soon.  

I am going to miss the interactions with people that require being close to them.  I'm going to miss asking someone how they're doing and being closer with my body language signaling that I am really asking and want more than a "I am doing fine" in response.  I'm going to miss listening attentively to someone from just a foot away and them seeing I'm really listening.  It's going to be replaced with something, but I don't know what.  It's going to be different for sure.

I hope that when we come out of this people will appreciate more that everyone has something going on.  I've been on so many calls with colleagues where there is less of a formality or barrier. Everyone has a kid or pet or something else in the background.  Everything is just a bit more personal and casual even though we're physically further apart.  I hope the glimpse will result in people being a little more empathetic and a little kinder.

I'm looking forward to one day being old and telling a grandkid, "Back in 2020 when we were sheltering in place..." and being met with an eyeroll.

This is all very ambling.  Taher, it's like were living on a sleeping giant tiger.  Every once in a while the giant moves or wakes up.

Come together

A couple days ago I got to watch Nooriya in the talent show. She was awesome of course. I’m a proud papa for sure.

The night was memorable for another reason. A pair of other little girls came on stage to sing. The  music started and as one girl started there was some feedback and the mic made an awful noise that wasn’t planned drowning her out. She already looked a bit nervous. I can imagine how she felt. The curtains opened on the stage and she probably saw what seemed like an overwhelmingly large audience. The technical difficulties threw her for a loop and she began to tear up. She couldn’t continue. The other girl immediately hugged her and all the parents in the audience cheered. Many yelled “you got this!”  She tried again, but was pretty flustered and got stuck again. Again her partner hugged her and the crowd cheered. She tried a third time, but couldn’t go ahead and she got the same response from her partner and the crowd.

She was able to do it the fourth time and gave a big smile and thumbs up to her mom at the end. It was beautiful!!! The whole thing was amazing. Everyone came together reflexively, automatically. I couldn’t help but stand and cheer at the end.

Taher, remember how good it made you feel to support someone. Remember how good she seemed to feel after being supported. 

Some things

Nooriya and I had a night out just the two of us. Still reliable to make her happy is to be with her and give her pancakes and ice cream. It was awesome time just the two of us. We played games and spent the evening together. Even her glasses matched the sprinkles on her waffle bowl. She loved it😍.

At the ice cream shop, there were some older high school girls sitting by us and talking some nonsense about boys. This feels like deja vu.

As we headed home on a Frozen song came on the radio. The hook went, “some things never change” and it just repeated over and over until I got it.

Some things change.

Taher, some things never change. 

Forgiveness

Today, like many Saturdays I drove the kids to madrasa.

Today was a bit different.  Yusuf usually doesn't ask me for help with his madrasa stuff.  Alhamdolillah, he's really good at stuff in general and really good at madrasa stuff.

He usually doesn't want to talk about madrasa stuff on Saturday mornings, but today he asked me for help understanding something he was learning in class.  I don't recall the exact words, but one concept stuck with me.  It was about forgiveness.  I had to be thoughtful about it as I tried to explain it to him.

The thing he was looking for help understanding was basically saying, "be resolute in forgiving".

I explained that it's in his interest to forgive.  I told him it was saying be determined to forgive because you will be more able to be happy.  It's not a difficult concept I think, but I was glad to articulate it and get the reminder.

Taher, forgive and you will be better off.

Dad

These last couple weeks I got to spend a lot of time with my brothers and my nieces who are at different tween and teen ages. They both have very different parenting relationships with their daughters and differing involvement with their daughters when they were all much younger. One thing they have in common is that they both care a ton for their daughters. It is and has been clear to me.

This trip was different for me because of Nooriya’s age and my relationship with her. I’ve been lucky to get to spend time with my brothers in the past. This time, I noticed more and maybe paid more attention to their interactions with their daughters. I noticed they were different than they used to be and maybe frustrating for my brothers at times. I can now relate. I appreciate that every parent-kid relationship is different. I know they love their daughters very much and it’s probably frustrating at times. I also know and can tell my nieces love their dads.

Taher, your relationship with Nooriya will be frustrating and hard at times. Nooriya is growing up. Be more patient. 

More

Often Nooriya and I have this back and forth,

Me:  “I love you”
N: “I love you”
Me: “love you more”
N: “I love you more”

I usually say this in my head “You think you do”. I let her have the last word and just smile even though I know she’s not right and just doesn’t know it.

Taher, sometimes let her think so and have the last word. 

Not that bad

It’s been about 8 days since I hit my head and needed stitches. Going to a hospital in India was not great. The emergency room was about 200 square feet with 3 beds, a desk, about a dozen people working, and just barely enough space to have a wheelchair move through the space. Hitting my head, lots of blood, going to the hospital, and being abroad sounds like a terrible confluence of events. 9 days ago I would have put this somewhere near the top of the list for bad things that could happen.

After having gone through it, though, it’s not as bad as I would have thought. It might seem terrible as I imagine it, but it wasn’t so bad. The thought of something bad, in this case, was way worse than the actual thing.

Taher, it may not be what you think it will be.

Alhamdolillah

Plans for tonight and probably the rest of the trip changed tonight. I was distracted by a runny nose and going to the sink to take care of it. I stumbled and hit my head on the door frame. There was so much blood. My first thought was “Ouch!” And that was quickly followed by “what is all this sticky stuff?”  I next yelled (I thought I yelled, but Zahra says I need to express more urgency) “Zahra, come!”

I was kinda freaking out that there was so much blood everywhere and my mind was going to a hundred different places. Within a minute the kids were crying and what seemed like an army of people materialized to take care of me. Immediately after calling Zahra, which was instinctual, I realized what she might have seen and started worrying about her. 

It seemed like so much blood. I can imagine what it looked like to the many people that came rushing into the room. I’m pretty sure I scared the shit out of everyone. Within minutes I was in a car and on the way to the hospital that happens to be only a few blocks away. In Mumbai even a mile at rush hour can easily be an hour trip. Within 90 minutes, I had five stitches from Dr. Vijay and a cool new haircut.  I was mostly embarrassed and thankfully not in any pain. Going to a hospital in Mumbai was definitely not part of the plan for the day.  Also, the bill was less than $40?!!! I want to remember that detail for some reason. 

I did think Alhamdolillah. Though, it wasn’t my first, second, or even tenth thought.  I had the benefit later to think about the thousand things that went right and the thousand ways it could have been slightly different and way worse.

As it should be, my perspective is Alhamdolillah. If I’m honest, it still took a few minutes to have that thought and it was competing not-so-successfully with other louder thoughts about my situation. It was a pretty short time and I’m glad that I thought Alhamdolillah relatively quickly, but I still see a lot of  room for improvement because it was still a conscious thought and not a reaction. Even though I have a gash on my head and some stitches, this didn’t feel like a super high stress situation.  It wasn’t a difficult situation despite how I am describing it.  I want to get to a place where thinking Alhamdolillah is automatic so that’s where my mind goes not just when it’s easy, but when it’s hard too.

Taher, keep thinking Alhamdolillah. It will eventually become automatic. 

Acceptance

I was up early as I love and is my habit on vacation and the weekends. I got to watch the sunrise which happens everyday. I did my morning stuff including a guided meditation. I thought of the serenity prayer as I finished. It’s not new to me and I’ve heard it probably a thousand times before. Today there was something new about it for me.

“
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
“

On the way to the hospital, mom said something that stayed with me and gave a new dimension to the serenity prayer for me.  She said, “Taher, I know you want to help. You have to take care of yourself“. There was no “but”. For the first time, it was explicit and became clear to me that it’s not one or the other. Accepting I can’t do something isn’t giving up and it isn’t some passive resignation. It’s actually courageous.

Maybe that’s the wisdom part of the serenity prayer. It’s hard to accept my limitations because I want to help. I’m coming to accept one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. Sometimes helping is best achieved by not trying to help. It makes little sense, but it’s starting to make more sense.

Taher, be courageous and be helpful. Do it in the best way you can. 

Be here now

It’s our last night here in Mumbai. The pace of the evening is nice and slow. It’s very relaxing. We’ve packed and there’s nothing to do other than relax. We have the great fortune of having a close friend who opened their house to us and also happens to have an amazing west-facing view of the ocean. They have a nice chair with an ottoman placed in the perfect spot to enjoy the view. I sat on the chair and put my feet up about 30 minutes to sunset enjoying the view and now able to make out where the sky meets the water because there is a beautiful reflection of a bright, large orange sun.

I sat and put my headphones in to listen to a meditation as I watched the scene outside. Nooriya asked me loudly “Can we do a logic puzzle?  I told her in a few minutes and I thought to myself, “This is great timing, argh”. She asked again about 10 seconds later. I patiently replied, “in a few minutes.”  I started listening to the meditation titled “be here now”. It took 90 seconds, but I realized “DUH” and I pulled out my headphones and spent time with Nooriya and did a puzzle with her.

Taher, do the puzzle. 

Beneficiary

We’ve finished our ziyarat trip. It was a whirlwind with lots of beautiful sunrises and time in the car. I’m sick of this car now!  We capped our trip with one last stop in Nasik. There’s no ziyarat here. The reason we stopped is because someone connected to mom and dad invited us over. Mom and dad are somehow connected to them because of something they’ve done and something they will do. Zahra, the kids, and me were just tagging along. The family opened their house and fed us and gave us chai. We have no connection to them other than being connected to mom and dad.

The ziyarat trip has us driving a bunch on these not-so-great roads. They’re still paved and although we’re tired, we’re in a car.  Not long ago there weren’t roads and cars and nice places to stay to look forward to when you reach. We’ve come a long way.

There’s so much I have/get/get to do because of my four parents. Theres so much to come that I can’t understand. There’s so much benefit that Yusuf and Nooriya get by their connection. The four of them have done so much and experienced so much that has laid the foundation this life I’ve been able to build.

Taher, remember this and pay it forward.

Default

I recently heard a story about how a small change to a default in medicine had a huge impact. The basic idea behind the change was to have the default to prefer a generic prescription instead of a name brand and it took a really small amount of effort to achieve.

I’ve been able to be relaxed and more pensive on this trip. I’ve had a lot of opportunity to think differently and more clearly I think. It’s regularly led me back to thinking Alhamdolillah.

Taher, let thinking Alhamdolillah be your default. 

A Kind Word

We went to Galyakot for ziyarat. The ziyarat was great. There were lots of people who weren’t mumineen from the surrounding area coming to pay their respects. Some of them came barefoot and stood in the sun.  Everyone had a different journey and a different experience, but everyone was together.  It was beautiful.

I’m in the car driving away and looking out the window thinking that we’re all connected and we’re all together even though I can’t see it with my eyes.

Helping someone else is good for a lot of reasons. We’re all connected. You may not be qualified or skilled or otherwise equipped to help someone in a way they need. You are equipped to say something kind. Literally everyone can benefit from that.

Taher, you are equipped. Alhamdolillah. 

Friday Morning

Sadaqa

I’m reminded of a story I heard a long time back. It was about a well-to-do traveler setting out for the day in India. He left for the day with a few hundred rupees in his pocket. It was more than enough for the day. He started his day with some breakfast and some tea. That was usually 40 rupees and the person collecting the money asked for 60. Instead of doing the customary bargaining and paying the 40 rupees the traveler knew to be the right price he thought “I have plenty, it doesn’t matter “ and have the 60 rupees. As the day went on he realized he had forgotten this and that and needed this other thing. He ended up spending all his money. He had just enough. He made it through the day. Just as the day was ending he came across a poor person who just needed 20 rupees to eat his first meal in a week. The poor person was literally starving. The traveler reached into his pocket to find he had 0 rupees. He wanted to help, but couldn’t.

The message is clear.

Taher, remember that it may not mean a lot to you, but it may mean a lot to someone else. 

Yesterday

This post is trip adjacent I guess. I watched the movie “Yesterday” on the plane ride over. I love the Beatles and that song. I’ve had the lyrics stuck in my head for days. It’s like they’ve been persistently appearing in my head until I figure out what they mean.

“ Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away

Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday”

I finally realized this morning as I watched the sunrise that this song is about today and that someday soon today will become yesterday.  Maybe it was obvious before and I just didn’t get it. It seems obvious to me now. 

I’ve peacefully gotten to watch the sunrise two days in a row. No rushing to work or whatever. No busyness. It took two days in a row and to understand these lyrics that have played a thousand times in my head. 

Taher, the sun rises every day. 

Waking Up

Priorities

I’ve been so lucky to get to spend so much time with dad. There’s two moments I especially want to remember.

There’s tons of shopping to do in Bihndi Bazar and shopping isn’t dad’s favorite thing. He wanted some stuff and picked it out really quickly. When it was time to pay for stuff he just handed the lady a stack of money and said “you count”. It wasn’t obnoxious at all. It was actually somehow friendly. He didn’t want to spend time on this and he had decided he trusted the other person. It was also a totally baller move.  Two things really stuck out to me. Money doesn’t matter and respect the person in front of you.

Later that day, dad was tired after a long day of stuff and clearly about to nod off. Nooriya right at that moment asked him jarringly to do something or the other with her. He perked up immediately and almost automatically said, “ Of course!”  Again, somethings really stuck out to me. Spend your time wisely and take advantage of every opportunity.

Taher, keep your eyes and your mind open. There’s so much to learn. 

Youth

I’m sitting in the masjid in Surat. The peacefulness of this place is deafening. There’s so much here. So much history and in an obvious way somehow it feels like a massively important place for so many reasons.

I’m overwhelmed here, but not by the importance of this place. I am overwhelmed by memories of this place when I spent a few months here as a teenager a long time ago. I have memories of people and places that are a bit fuzzy and super clear at the same time.

I have so many memories of sharing a room with a bunch of people and spending so much time together doing a whole lot of nothing. There was one random Billy Joel album that I listened to at least a thousand times. I am terrible with lyrics, but I still remember every word and every song of that whole album 22 odd years later.  I wonder what Yusuf and Nooriya will remember.

Taher, don’t underestimate what’s important to them and choose your words carefully. They may remember them exactly in 22 years. 

Notice More

Today started out wonderful. I was a little jet lagged and got up super early. So was the family. We all got up together and spent some time lounging in bed listening to Zahra sing the intro jingles from 80s sitcoms and from random commercials. She knows EVERY WORD of all them. How?!!  This family time lounging in bed is awesome and usually kinda forced because usually there’s somewhere to be or people wake up at different times or both. The stars aligned on this Monday morning and we all started the day with a rare and amazing moment.

Taher, notice stuff and not just on vacation.

I’m getting used to being here and after our busy day of spiritual bucket filling ziyarat and shopping. I love getting to watch other people be happy and satisfied. There’s a ton of that in ziyarat and being with Zahra when she’s getting stuff done for the family.

Taher, notice how people feel.

I got to go for a walk near the water with the kids. It was amazing to see and hear what they noticed. It wasn’t the noise or the busyness all around. They noticed a bright orange sun and looked in wonder able to focus on that beauty and block out everything else for a moment. I’m loving that Yusuf takes out his phone to take pictures and video of whatever he wants to share with people. I’ve taken so many boring pictures of him taking a video or picture. I find it so cool.

Taher, notice what other people see.

Both physically and spiritually I’ve spent the last several hours getting ready for a week of what I expect to be intense spiritual experiences and meeting family and shared experiences with the family and mom and dad. And a whole lot of stuff I don’t even know. I can’t wait to write notes to my future self about what I’m about to learn. 

First day

I’m finished with the first day of my trip. It was a loooong day. The last time I got some sleep in a bed was 56 hours ago. It’s more than 24 hours since leaving, but still feels like one day.

Before our trip, I excitedly told a bunch of colleagues and friends that I was going on vacation to India with the family and my in-laws. I kept having to immediately respond to the quizzical look saying ,”my in-laws are awesome”. They are and I super appreciate that even more knowing how scarily typical that people don’t seem to like their in-laws much. Alhamdolillah. I lucked out getting some awesome ones.

I also said I wasn’t looking forward to the long flight.  That was really nice too though. I actually got to sit next to Zahra. On planes now a days we typically have a kid or an aisle or both between us. I watched a bunch of movies I really like and just sat and relaxed a bunch.

We finally reached and it was so familiar. It was wonderful. We had someone waiting to pick us up and someone wonderful that opened their home to us. Again. I was talking with her and realized I’ve gotten to stay with her 4 times.

It was great trying to see India through the kids eyes. They looked out the windows and we peppered them with questions about what they saw. The city is truly massive. In the same view, we saw multicolored, beautiful slums that were on the water near probably many million dollar homes with similar views.

We reached early Sunday morning and there were already lots of people exercising, selling stuff, pulling carts, driving rickshaws, and just going about their lives.

I can already tell this will be a highlight of this trip. We got to do ziyarat of two Moulas. To say it’s a busy area is an understatement. There’s a mass of people and a cacophony of sounds. Inside the roza, however, it’s totally peaceful. I have been so caught up with life lately. This was the spiritual experience I needed and didn’t even know. I came with all these thoughts of things I would do dua for. When I was there I realized I don’t want to do dua to be whatever or have whatever or for my health to be whatever. I wanted to do dua for being happier with what I have instead of thinking about what I don’t have.

Taher, don’t ever forget that feeling you had today. It’s the same one you had right after moving into your forever house. “I already have all I ever need”

Later I got to hang out with Zahra and the kids all day which was awesome. I had a conversation with Yusuf that made me so proud.   It was him asking questions about the kaamwalas. He thought it was so weird that people would be servants to other people. He understood that some people have whatever and some people don’t. I could tell his thought process from the questions he was asking and the way he was asking “why would someone be subservient? why...”  My response was often. “Yup. It’s weird”. I love that his instinct was to think it doesn’t matter what people have and all people are fundamentally the same. I’m so certain he’s going to continue to get even more empathetic and be an even better human.

Taher, people are people. Learn from the wise soon-to-be 12 year old. 

Blinded by familiarity

Last night my parents and brother and family came over for pehli raat dinner.  It's a tradition that we all get together and spend time together.  We've been doing it for years and everyone assumes that's what we'll do.  We take turns hosting and I have to think for a moment about whose turn it is.  I confuse the where and the when, but still retain vivid snapshots of each year.  I can still remember doing pehli raat with everyone when Yusuf was just a baby and crying his eyes out.  And then we added a few more kids to our thaal in the years to come!

Our thaal usually has ten people.  It's really full and every year we have so much food we can barely fit it all in the thaal.  We go through dish after dish.  There's usually more leftovers than what we started with.  It's wonderful. 

The greatest part of all this is we get together.  Between all the logistics and the craziness of the night we're all together.  We even all clean up together.  Everyone pitches in and gets in each other's way a bit, but we do it together. 

It's automatic and familiar.  It's easy for me to overlook the wonderfulness that's taking place because I'm used to it.  Alhamdolilllah that I'm used to it. 

The wonderfulness is happening all the time.  It's sometimes too familiar.  Taher, notice more.

Second Chance

I overslept this morning. I was totally bummed. I remember going to bed last night being really motivated to get up and get moving. Instead I had a crappy start as I woke up late and went to get ready. I looked at my watch and it was only 2:37!  It was a really realistic dream. I totally felt bummed and now I had a do-over. I woke up early and had a good start to the day👍.

This made me see clearly that we get a second chance all the time. Taher, recognize the chances you have and remember how good it felt to get a do-over. 

Vacation

I’ve written and thought about being on vacation a lot and even written about it a couple times. I vividly remember two moments. Once on a road trip in California and another taking in the sights in Thailand.

The memories are so vivid because I’m lounging on a patio alone with my thoughts and thinking Alhamdolillah was for all of the wonderful stuff in my life. I’m normal and I have crappy stuff that gets me down just like I imagine everyone else. I don’t sit around thinking how wonderful everything is and I am definitely not always succeeding in seeing the “bright side”.

I know I have a lot. It’s not a complicated thought or a difficult perspective to have. And I just feel good when I think about that. I wonder why is it so easy to have that perspective on vacation and so difficult to have sometimes when I’m not.

Taher, step back and have that perspective. There’s lots to think Alhamdolillah about.