Alhamdolillah

Plans for tonight and probably the rest of the trip changed tonight. I was distracted by a runny nose and going to the sink to take care of it. I stumbled and hit my head on the door frame. There was so much blood. My first thought was “Ouch!” And that was quickly followed by “what is all this sticky stuff?”  I next yelled (I thought I yelled, but Zahra says I need to express more urgency) “Zahra, come!”

I was kinda freaking out that there was so much blood everywhere and my mind was going to a hundred different places. Within a minute the kids were crying and what seemed like an army of people materialized to take care of me. Immediately after calling Zahra, which was instinctual, I realized what she might have seen and started worrying about her. 

It seemed like so much blood. I can imagine what it looked like to the many people that came rushing into the room. I’m pretty sure I scared the shit out of everyone. Within minutes I was in a car and on the way to the hospital that happens to be only a few blocks away. In Mumbai even a mile at rush hour can easily be an hour trip. Within 90 minutes, I had five stitches from Dr. Vijay and a cool new haircut.  I was mostly embarrassed and thankfully not in any pain. Going to a hospital in Mumbai was definitely not part of the plan for the day.  Also, the bill was less than $40?!!! I want to remember that detail for some reason. 

I did think Alhamdolillah. Though, it wasn’t my first, second, or even tenth thought.  I had the benefit later to think about the thousand things that went right and the thousand ways it could have been slightly different and way worse.

As it should be, my perspective is Alhamdolillah. If I’m honest, it still took a few minutes to have that thought and it was competing not-so-successfully with other louder thoughts about my situation. It was a pretty short time and I’m glad that I thought Alhamdolillah relatively quickly, but I still see a lot of  room for improvement because it was still a conscious thought and not a reaction. Even though I have a gash on my head and some stitches, this didn’t feel like a super high stress situation.  It wasn’t a difficult situation despite how I am describing it.  I want to get to a place where thinking Alhamdolillah is automatic so that’s where my mind goes not just when it’s easy, but when it’s hard too.

Taher, keep thinking Alhamdolillah. It will eventually become automatic. 

Acceptance

I was up early as I love and is my habit on vacation and the weekends. I got to watch the sunrise which happens everyday. I did my morning stuff including a guided meditation. I thought of the serenity prayer as I finished. It’s not new to me and I’ve heard it probably a thousand times before. Today there was something new about it for me.

“
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
“

On the way to the hospital, mom said something that stayed with me and gave a new dimension to the serenity prayer for me.  She said, “Taher, I know you want to help. You have to take care of yourself“. There was no “but”. For the first time, it was explicit and became clear to me that it’s not one or the other. Accepting I can’t do something isn’t giving up and it isn’t some passive resignation. It’s actually courageous.

Maybe that’s the wisdom part of the serenity prayer. It’s hard to accept my limitations because I want to help. I’m coming to accept one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. Sometimes helping is best achieved by not trying to help. It makes little sense, but it’s starting to make more sense.

Taher, be courageous and be helpful. Do it in the best way you can. 

Be here now

It’s our last night here in Mumbai. The pace of the evening is nice and slow. It’s very relaxing. We’ve packed and there’s nothing to do other than relax. We have the great fortune of having a close friend who opened their house to us and also happens to have an amazing west-facing view of the ocean. They have a nice chair with an ottoman placed in the perfect spot to enjoy the view. I sat on the chair and put my feet up about 30 minutes to sunset enjoying the view and now able to make out where the sky meets the water because there is a beautiful reflection of a bright, large orange sun.

I sat and put my headphones in to listen to a meditation as I watched the scene outside. Nooriya asked me loudly “Can we do a logic puzzle?  I told her in a few minutes and I thought to myself, “This is great timing, argh”. She asked again about 10 seconds later. I patiently replied, “in a few minutes.”  I started listening to the meditation titled “be here now”. It took 90 seconds, but I realized “DUH” and I pulled out my headphones and spent time with Nooriya and did a puzzle with her.

Taher, do the puzzle. 

Beneficiary

We’ve finished our ziyarat trip. It was a whirlwind with lots of beautiful sunrises and time in the car. I’m sick of this car now!  We capped our trip with one last stop in Nasik. There’s no ziyarat here. The reason we stopped is because someone connected to mom and dad invited us over. Mom and dad are somehow connected to them because of something they’ve done and something they will do. Zahra, the kids, and me were just tagging along. The family opened their house and fed us and gave us chai. We have no connection to them other than being connected to mom and dad.

The ziyarat trip has us driving a bunch on these not-so-great roads. They’re still paved and although we’re tired, we’re in a car.  Not long ago there weren’t roads and cars and nice places to stay to look forward to when you reach. We’ve come a long way.

There’s so much I have/get/get to do because of my four parents. Theres so much to come that I can’t understand. There’s so much benefit that Yusuf and Nooriya get by their connection. The four of them have done so much and experienced so much that has laid the foundation this life I’ve been able to build.

Taher, remember this and pay it forward.

Default

I recently heard a story about how a small change to a default in medicine had a huge impact. The basic idea behind the change was to have the default to prefer a generic prescription instead of a name brand and it took a really small amount of effort to achieve.

I’ve been able to be relaxed and more pensive on this trip. I’ve had a lot of opportunity to think differently and more clearly I think. It’s regularly led me back to thinking Alhamdolillah.

Taher, let thinking Alhamdolillah be your default. 

A Kind Word

We went to Galyakot for ziyarat. The ziyarat was great. There were lots of people who weren’t mumineen from the surrounding area coming to pay their respects. Some of them came barefoot and stood in the sun.  Everyone had a different journey and a different experience, but everyone was together.  It was beautiful.

I’m in the car driving away and looking out the window thinking that we’re all connected and we’re all together even though I can’t see it with my eyes.

Helping someone else is good for a lot of reasons. We’re all connected. You may not be qualified or skilled or otherwise equipped to help someone in a way they need. You are equipped to say something kind. Literally everyone can benefit from that.

Taher, you are equipped. Alhamdolillah. 

Friday Morning

Sadaqa

I’m reminded of a story I heard a long time back. It was about a well-to-do traveler setting out for the day in India. He left for the day with a few hundred rupees in his pocket. It was more than enough for the day. He started his day with some breakfast and some tea. That was usually 40 rupees and the person collecting the money asked for 60. Instead of doing the customary bargaining and paying the 40 rupees the traveler knew to be the right price he thought “I have plenty, it doesn’t matter “ and have the 60 rupees. As the day went on he realized he had forgotten this and that and needed this other thing. He ended up spending all his money. He had just enough. He made it through the day. Just as the day was ending he came across a poor person who just needed 20 rupees to eat his first meal in a week. The poor person was literally starving. The traveler reached into his pocket to find he had 0 rupees. He wanted to help, but couldn’t.

The message is clear.

Taher, remember that it may not mean a lot to you, but it may mean a lot to someone else. 

Yesterday

This post is trip adjacent I guess. I watched the movie “Yesterday” on the plane ride over. I love the Beatles and that song. I’ve had the lyrics stuck in my head for days. It’s like they’ve been persistently appearing in my head until I figure out what they mean.

“ Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away

Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday”

I finally realized this morning as I watched the sunrise that this song is about today and that someday soon today will become yesterday.  Maybe it was obvious before and I just didn’t get it. It seems obvious to me now. 

I’ve peacefully gotten to watch the sunrise two days in a row. No rushing to work or whatever. No busyness. It took two days in a row and to understand these lyrics that have played a thousand times in my head. 

Taher, the sun rises every day. 

Waking Up

Priorities

I’ve been so lucky to get to spend so much time with dad. There’s two moments I especially want to remember.

There’s tons of shopping to do in Bihndi Bazar and shopping isn’t dad’s favorite thing. He wanted some stuff and picked it out really quickly. When it was time to pay for stuff he just handed the lady a stack of money and said “you count”. It wasn’t obnoxious at all. It was actually somehow friendly. He didn’t want to spend time on this and he had decided he trusted the other person. It was also a totally baller move.  Two things really stuck out to me. Money doesn’t matter and respect the person in front of you.

Later that day, dad was tired after a long day of stuff and clearly about to nod off. Nooriya right at that moment asked him jarringly to do something or the other with her. He perked up immediately and almost automatically said, “ Of course!”  Again, somethings really stuck out to me. Spend your time wisely and take advantage of every opportunity.

Taher, keep your eyes and your mind open. There’s so much to learn. 

Youth

I’m sitting in the masjid in Surat. The peacefulness of this place is deafening. There’s so much here. So much history and in an obvious way somehow it feels like a massively important place for so many reasons.

I’m overwhelmed here, but not by the importance of this place. I am overwhelmed by memories of this place when I spent a few months here as a teenager a long time ago. I have memories of people and places that are a bit fuzzy and super clear at the same time.

I have so many memories of sharing a room with a bunch of people and spending so much time together doing a whole lot of nothing. There was one random Billy Joel album that I listened to at least a thousand times. I am terrible with lyrics, but I still remember every word and every song of that whole album 22 odd years later.  I wonder what Yusuf and Nooriya will remember.

Taher, don’t underestimate what’s important to them and choose your words carefully. They may remember them exactly in 22 years. 

Notice More

Today started out wonderful. I was a little jet lagged and got up super early. So was the family. We all got up together and spent some time lounging in bed listening to Zahra sing the intro jingles from 80s sitcoms and from random commercials. She knows EVERY WORD of all them. How?!!  This family time lounging in bed is awesome and usually kinda forced because usually there’s somewhere to be or people wake up at different times or both. The stars aligned on this Monday morning and we all started the day with a rare and amazing moment.

Taher, notice stuff and not just on vacation.

I’m getting used to being here and after our busy day of spiritual bucket filling ziyarat and shopping. I love getting to watch other people be happy and satisfied. There’s a ton of that in ziyarat and being with Zahra when she’s getting stuff done for the family.

Taher, notice how people feel.

I got to go for a walk near the water with the kids. It was amazing to see and hear what they noticed. It wasn’t the noise or the busyness all around. They noticed a bright orange sun and looked in wonder able to focus on that beauty and block out everything else for a moment. I’m loving that Yusuf takes out his phone to take pictures and video of whatever he wants to share with people. I’ve taken so many boring pictures of him taking a video or picture. I find it so cool.

Taher, notice what other people see.

Both physically and spiritually I’ve spent the last several hours getting ready for a week of what I expect to be intense spiritual experiences and meeting family and shared experiences with the family and mom and dad. And a whole lot of stuff I don’t even know. I can’t wait to write notes to my future self about what I’m about to learn. 

First day

I’m finished with the first day of my trip. It was a loooong day. The last time I got some sleep in a bed was 56 hours ago. It’s more than 24 hours since leaving, but still feels like one day.

Before our trip, I excitedly told a bunch of colleagues and friends that I was going on vacation to India with the family and my in-laws. I kept having to immediately respond to the quizzical look saying ,”my in-laws are awesome”. They are and I super appreciate that even more knowing how scarily typical that people don’t seem to like their in-laws much. Alhamdolillah. I lucked out getting some awesome ones.

I also said I wasn’t looking forward to the long flight.  That was really nice too though. I actually got to sit next to Zahra. On planes now a days we typically have a kid or an aisle or both between us. I watched a bunch of movies I really like and just sat and relaxed a bunch.

We finally reached and it was so familiar. It was wonderful. We had someone waiting to pick us up and someone wonderful that opened their home to us. Again. I was talking with her and realized I’ve gotten to stay with her 4 times.

It was great trying to see India through the kids eyes. They looked out the windows and we peppered them with questions about what they saw. The city is truly massive. In the same view, we saw multicolored, beautiful slums that were on the water near probably many million dollar homes with similar views.

We reached early Sunday morning and there were already lots of people exercising, selling stuff, pulling carts, driving rickshaws, and just going about their lives.

I can already tell this will be a highlight of this trip. We got to do ziyarat of two Moulas. To say it’s a busy area is an understatement. There’s a mass of people and a cacophony of sounds. Inside the roza, however, it’s totally peaceful. I have been so caught up with life lately. This was the spiritual experience I needed and didn’t even know. I came with all these thoughts of things I would do dua for. When I was there I realized I don’t want to do dua to be whatever or have whatever or for my health to be whatever. I wanted to do dua for being happier with what I have instead of thinking about what I don’t have.

Taher, don’t ever forget that feeling you had today. It’s the same one you had right after moving into your forever house. “I already have all I ever need”

Later I got to hang out with Zahra and the kids all day which was awesome. I had a conversation with Yusuf that made me so proud.   It was him asking questions about the kaamwalas. He thought it was so weird that people would be servants to other people. He understood that some people have whatever and some people don’t. I could tell his thought process from the questions he was asking and the way he was asking “why would someone be subservient? why...”  My response was often. “Yup. It’s weird”. I love that his instinct was to think it doesn’t matter what people have and all people are fundamentally the same. I’m so certain he’s going to continue to get even more empathetic and be an even better human.

Taher, people are people. Learn from the wise soon-to-be 12 year old. 

Blinded by familiarity

Last night my parents and brother and family came over for pehli raat dinner.  It's a tradition that we all get together and spend time together.  We've been doing it for years and everyone assumes that's what we'll do.  We take turns hosting and I have to think for a moment about whose turn it is.  I confuse the where and the when, but still retain vivid snapshots of each year.  I can still remember doing pehli raat with everyone when Yusuf was just a baby and crying his eyes out.  And then we added a few more kids to our thaal in the years to come!

Our thaal usually has ten people.  It's really full and every year we have so much food we can barely fit it all in the thaal.  We go through dish after dish.  There's usually more leftovers than what we started with.  It's wonderful. 

The greatest part of all this is we get together.  Between all the logistics and the craziness of the night we're all together.  We even all clean up together.  Everyone pitches in and gets in each other's way a bit, but we do it together. 

It's automatic and familiar.  It's easy for me to overlook the wonderfulness that's taking place because I'm used to it.  Alhamdolilllah that I'm used to it. 

The wonderfulness is happening all the time.  It's sometimes too familiar.  Taher, notice more.

Second Chance

I overslept this morning. I was totally bummed. I remember going to bed last night being really motivated to get up and get moving. Instead I had a crappy start as I woke up late and went to get ready. I looked at my watch and it was only 2:37!  It was a really realistic dream. I totally felt bummed and now I had a do-over. I woke up early and had a good start to the day👍.

This made me see clearly that we get a second chance all the time. Taher, recognize the chances you have and remember how good it felt to get a do-over. 

Vacation

I’ve written and thought about being on vacation a lot and even written about it a couple times. I vividly remember two moments. Once on a road trip in California and another taking in the sights in Thailand.

The memories are so vivid because I’m lounging on a patio alone with my thoughts and thinking Alhamdolillah was for all of the wonderful stuff in my life. I’m normal and I have crappy stuff that gets me down just like I imagine everyone else. I don’t sit around thinking how wonderful everything is and I am definitely not always succeeding in seeing the “bright side”.

I know I have a lot. It’s not a complicated thought or a difficult perspective to have. And I just feel good when I think about that. I wonder why is it so easy to have that perspective on vacation and so difficult to have sometimes when I’m not.

Taher, step back and have that perspective. There’s lots to think Alhamdolillah about. 

Restaurant

We just went to a restaurant.  It was nice; just the four of us spending time together.  Nooriya had a game for us to play where we would guess each other's favorite restaurant.  Everyone wrote down their guess.  Yusuf was guessing mine.  He wrote, "whatever restaurant mummi is in".  It was such an awesome answer.

I was so PROUD!!!! And I'm happy to know that Yusuf notices the love and partnership and articulates it so well.  He might think it's gross right now:P   I'm also super happy he sees it's possible and expects that a relationship with his future person should be a similar partnership. 

Stillness

This week I had my first ambulance ride. Alhamdolillah, I’m fine. Mysteriously, I couldn’t walk and I had no choice but to stop being busy and take that ride. I suddenly had this excuse to just rest. I think it was my body telling me to just stop being busy.  Fortunately, I was pretty much 100% in the morning.

Fast forward a couple days. I’m up before everyone and just sitting and appreciating the calm house. I’m reading a book aptly titled, “ The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down”. It’s a bit on the nose, but I’m slowing down...and there is a lot to see I’m realizing.

Just slow down once in a while Taher. Don’t wait for an ambulance ride to force you to do it. This one had no consequences. The next one might. 

Losing with grace

It can be tough to be a gracious winner.  It's way tougher to lose with grace.  Being gracious is a choice and an important one.

There are a couple  thoughts I want to remember and write down that I had recently.   They are related to being happy.

The first is the idea of winning AND losing graciously.  Winning graciously is relatively easy.  Losing graciously on the other hand is much more difficult.  Sometimes things aren't going to work out the way I'm thinking.  There are likely a number of things that went exactly right to get to that place where something didn't.  It's a choice to focus on what went right and not what didn't.  It is so much easier to frame anything as winning and easier to be gracious.  And easier to be happy.

The second idea is that we are all connected.  There are no "winners" and "losers".  This is way easier written than changing my thinking completely; winning and losing is just a poor way of framing a situation.  It's hard not to think of a lot of situations that way.  In the mean time, if anyone "lost" then someone "won".  However, it doesn't have to be zero sum.  Since we are all connected, being happy for someone else is a path to be happy for ourselves.

Every time things don't go my way, it is an opportunity to be happy for someone else and be happier in the process.  

Opportunity

I’ve written and thought the word opportunity a lot this last several days. We got to do sadaqa to folks that were asking for help. Yusuf was in charge of sadaqa on our making sure we did it often. He was sometimes questioning why a person was so poor or had a certain handicap I imagine while thinking there were others nearby with seemingly plenty. He was sometimes a bit scared to give the sadaqa. I did it with him or was never far away. I said thank you each time and made sure Yusuf heard. I explained to him that we say thank you for the opportunity to do something good. 

There are opportunities to do something good everywhere.  We tell the kids if you have something you have enough to share.  It’s a lesson I’m working on internalizing. 

Shukran!

We had our annual WP trip with our friends and their family. We had been planning it for about a year and we all very much look forward to it for just as long. 

Over the years we’ve had lots of conversations with our friends about parenting and the things we want to expose the kids to. Putting them in situations where they see how different people live has always been high on the priority list. 

This year our destination was Cairo.  We’ve taken the kids abroad on these annual trips before. Those trips were great, but this was further away and different and less sheltered. It wasn’t a beach vacation or a resort. Egypt is hot and crowded and there are people that are well off and people that aren’t everywhere. Rich and poor and everything in between. And they’re TOGETHER.  It’s inescapable and at times in your face. I’m sure the kids noticed and experienced this as we were constantly in situations outside our comfort zone.  

We had an amazing day at the pyramids, being with the kids and seeing something 5,000 years old. Going to the pyramids was more than just a memorable experience. There was something that can’t be imagined. Seeing them in person and touching them made you appreciate the grandness.  It was a different experience that I’m glad the kids had. 

We also had a fantastic day going to Fayoum, an oasis town, that started out underwhelming, but ended up with an awesome pottery school experience and amazing sunset. We somehow navigated to a small and hot school in the middle of a very small town where they made pottery by hand using a very old fashioned pottery wheel that was spun manually. The kids each got to make a pot with a teacher helping them. The kids got that tactile experience and then got to see the beautiful stuff made by hand in this small, hot pottery school.  As we drove away we saw young kids in old, dirty clothes playing soccer and clearly having fun in front of a gorgeous mural painted on the side of a regular old building. Beauty is everywhere. It was hard to miss here. I don’t know that it is explicit, but I believe the kids internalized what they saw and experienced; beauty is all around. And to top it off we saw the sunset of a hundred different colors while standing next to a huge lake in the desert. How could all that converge?  It doesn’t even make sense to me as I write this. But I realize this amazing scene happens every day!  I guess I just need to open my eyes wider. 

We also took the kids to the Egyptian museum and looked at the artifacts that were so old and so well preserved. They saw mummies and I think were kind of amazed despite being very hot. We took opportunities to point out how differently they lived then. We saw their tiny royal bed. We saw their primitive royal toilet. We saw their jewelry. We saw their rudimentary medical equipment. We read signs and notes how young people were when they died and noted that some died of diseases that are now far from fatal. 

We were sure to point out all the things the kids had to be thankful for every day. 

There was a large religious component to this trip as well. Doing ziyarat at Rasul-Husain was a high priority for us. We made sure the kids knew that. And we showed them by making it among our first destinations each day. We visited many masaajid and other ziyarat as well making sure the kids understood just a fraction of the context. Hopefully, we all appreciated even just a small piece of the importance theses places have for us. It was hard not to feel...I can’t articulate what, but it was a feeling that I can best describe as satisfaction. We were sure to remind the kids and ourselves how lucky we were to be there and doing these things. We made sure that little time passed between saying and thinking Alhamdolillah. 

After a masaajid tour we went to Jamea Juyushi on a hill and did namaz there. After, we took in the view of the pyramids, the masaajid of Cairo, the old city, and part of the new city. It was very cool to see the really really old next to the really old next to the sort of old next to the not very old all in one view. 

Our trip was wonderfully rearranged when Moula announced he would visit. We were amazingly lucky to be there. Other people were trying to get to where we already were and they couldn’t. 

We got so much barakat for being in the place where Moula was. We went through lots of efforts to ensure we took advantage of this stupendous opportunity. 

We got to do deedar. Of course we’d get to do deedar; Moula was there. We got to watch Moula do ziyarat multiple times and we got to do namaz with Moula in three different masaajid. We got to do qadambosi!  Alhamdolillah. Alhamdolillah. Alhamdolillah.

There was a lot of sitting and waiting and not knowing what we’d be doing tomorrow. And it was all well worth it. I think of my reaction to each time we got to do anything and it was Alhamdolillah every time. I felt it. I said it. I made sure the kids said it and acknowledged often how awesome it was often. 

I was reminded of my brother’s ziyafat years ago. I remember him giving two teenage girls a pass to do qadambosi. It was the first chance they had in their lives and they lived in a place Moula is often. I was there with my 1 and 3 year old to do qadambosi that I thought to be a foregone conclusion. They were so so so happy and reacted in a way I vividly remember to this unexpected opportunity. They were overjoyed. It was so meaningful. It made me re-think my shukur for being with Moula this trip. I thought Alhamdolillah, but I imagine it was just a fraction of what these girls felt. There is more shukur to do. 

This taught me a lesson in shukur as I was trying to teach the kids about shukur. I realized that there is so much I take for granted without even realizing. No, not of course we would get to do deedar. Alhamdolillah we got to do deedar. 

Having shukur, I believe, is key to being happy. The more things I can find to do shukur for the more happiness I’ll find. More than anything, I want the kids to be happy. 

There are always many things to do shukur about. Even more than we realize. 

This was a great trip that I hope the kids will not only remember the experiences we had, but will carry with them these lessons of having and doing shukur that will help keep them happy for the rest of their lives.   I will certainly try. 

Alhamdolillah. 

Something Right

I had a another very proud dad moment yesterday.  Yusuf was running around on the playground and collided with another kid.  He had a minor injury to his wrist.  Alhamdolillah it was minor.  Zahra got a call and was able to be there in a matter of minutes.  Alhamdolillah for that too.  Amidst caring for him, Zahra asked him, "How's the other kid?".  Despite being uncomfortable and in some pain Yusuf responded, "Alhamdolillah.  She's fine".  He's 9!

Yusuf deserves the credit for having such an empathetic and caring response.  I like to think Zahra and me have something to do with it too.

There's a lot of...stuff...going on in our country right now.  Like many, I'm sure, it's gotten me down and made me doubt what I used to think was unshakable.  Yusuf's response, however, reminds me that there's so much to be hopeful about.  Yesterday at his school is just one small moment.  I believe it's indicative of a much larger way of interaction in a future that's not very far off.  I'm looking forward to more empathy.

Friday

I haven't posted anything in a while.  The longer I wait, the more profound I feel like my post needs to be and I don't write anything.  This vicious cycle has gone on for months.

I don't have anything profound to write, but I'm posting anyway because it's Friday.

I have a habit of re-reading my posts later and remembering how I felt when I wrote those words.  I want to remember how I feel right now.  The last several months I've focused way too much on the crappy stuff and have been too distracted to pay enough attention the so many great things right in front of me.  We have started a daily break before bedtime where the four of us sit together and say a couple things from the day we are thankful for.  Alhamdolillah.  It's not hard at all to think of stuff.  Alhamdolillah.

I like it as much for me as for the kids.  Until last night, though, I was doing it mostly as an example for Yusuf and Nooriya and totally missing the opportunity to try to really appreciate whatever.  Something changed for me yesterday though and I thought harder about what was GREAT, though it really wasn't hard at all.  I guess I was just more thoughtFUL.

This morning I listened to that oft used metaphor about the corporate ladder.  "Make sure your ladder is leaning on the right wall".  This ladder metaphor applies just as aptly to life.  Focus on the wall, Taher, and not the climbing otherwise you'll just get to the "wrong" place faster.

There'll probably always be some crappy stuff and certainly there will always be some stuff that's good.  And much more likely than not there will be lots of stuff that's GREAT.

Pizza tonight!  Alhamdolillah!

Vacation

Alhamdolillah that I get to go on vacation.  I get to see and experience things which make my faith more solid. My eyes open to more wonders which make me even more certain there is something more. 

Each trip away is special and enjoyable in different ways, but the one thing that every trip has in common is I come home at the end. And I appreciate coming home each time. 

One of the best parts of vacation for me is coming home at the end and rediscovering and re-appreciating everything that was there beforehand. 

Taher, don't wait for vacation to appreciate what's at home. 

Clarity

The day before the weather was rainy and windy and just unpredictable. We told the kids "we'll see" over and over. The weather didn't clear up and we did take them to the beach. We immediately assessed that it wasn't the right conditions to be at the beach and headed to the pool...in the rain and wind. 

As we made the best of the beach-audible Nooriya and I played "catch the bracelet" underwater in the pool. There was a moment I saw her smile under the water through my goggles. I'm so lucky to have seen it so clearly.   I'm so lucky to have noticed the one of probably many smiles in the moment I wasn't able to see or do or hear anything else while under water. I think about the attitude to make the best and the little it took to elicit that smile...just being there. 

In contrast, the last 24 hours have been full of amazing experiences. They have been true vacation gold. We saw more stars than I can remember seeing last night. All the while we were in kayaks with glass bottoms seeing the amazing plankton in bio bay lighting up when the water moved. I couldn't stop looking at and admiring the water until I was distracted by the amazing sky...and then I was distracted by the water. 

Zahra captures it way better than I do. 

http://latitude.blogspot.com/2016/08/magic-in-water-magic-in-sky.html?m=1

Today, I had the most idyllic beach experience I've ever had. The water was the perfect temperature, gentle, and crystal blue.   The weather was perfect and we had a small stretch of beach on this hard-get-to island seemingly just to ourselves. 

I hope these are the experiences Yusuf and Nooriya will remember forever. I will. 

But as I reflect on the last couple days, I realize this may not be what the kids remember.  This was an amazing experience, but it did require the kids to wait and be patient a LOT. And that's not the thing that comes naturally to them. 

They complained and complained loudly, but they also made the best of it. Despite the what must have seemed like random instructions to wait and to "not do that" and the many "talks" I gave them about attitude and shukur, they sometimes figured out how to have a great time doing whatever with whatever they had.  

I will remember the make-the-best-of-it attitude they made so clear to me. And I'm pretty sure they'll remember me being with them on vacation as much as the amazing experience we were able to give them this last day. 

Thanks Nooriya for smiling so much and alhamdolillah for letting me see it so clearly. 

Rainbow

I was up early and tired at the thought of going to work.  Imediately I was thinking about all the stuff I have to do once I get to work.

I rushed through my morning routine and started my drive to work.  I saw a rainbow.  It was faint at first and then became clearer as I focused on it.  It was beautiful and a great reminder to look a little closer.

And then...I saw a second rainbow!  Taher, sometimes you just have to open your eyes and look for the rainbow.  Look closely and there'll be more than one.

Ramadan

I've read and learned some things and that have had me thinking about what I want to focus on this year. I'm having a hard time finding a single word to describe it. The closest I can think of is "steer". It does a good job of helping me frame my thoughts about another topic, control. 

I recently learned about the importance of the perception of control and how that influences the brain. Specifically, the perception of control influences the ability to motivate ourselves. Basically, if you think and reinforce your thinking to believe something is not in your control then it won't be. For example, if I say to myself, "I'm not able to climb that mountain because I was born without being able to" I won't try to.  Instead, just framing this a bit differently, "I took one step, I can become strong enough to take another" can give me the motivation to be to be stronger.  If I believe I did it then I can do more. This realization has changed the way I will interact with Yusuf and Nooriya when trying to motivate them. 

The perception of control is an exercise in framing a situation. I'm realizing more and more that so much is in my control. There ain't no mountain....

I've also read a book that had me thinking about time and how we think about it. It also forces me to think that once we didn't count it at all. There are some words of the author I want to remember 

---

Consider the word “time.” We use so many phrases with it. Pass time. Waste time. Kill time. Lose time. In good time. About time. Take your time. Save time. A long time. Right on time. Out of time. Mind the time. Be on time. Spare time. Keep time. Stall for time. There are as many expressions with “time” as there are minutes in a day. But once, there was no word for it at all. Because no one was counting...And [then] everything changed.

---

As with so many times before in my career, I'm bogged down with work and I'm climbing out of some mental cave to get perspective on what's more important. Recently, I was witness to something in some one else's life that was way more important. He even showed me the state of his work and reminded me that wasn't very important. 

I've spent a couple days thinking carefully about what's more important and it's in my control to steer my thoughts to what's more important while I have time (since I can't help counting the time).

washing the dishes

Last night we had a bunch of our family over for dinner.  It went great and it's so nice to make the connection to family stronger.  It's also great to have more people come to my house and make stronger the association that this is is where Zahra, Yusuf, Nooriya and I live.

I woke up and found a sink full of dishes.  I started washing them.  All I was doing was washing them.  Not so we could use them again, but JUST washing them.  The last several weeks have been full of planning for this or getting ready for that.  I spent so much energy preparing one way or another for the future.  I was always on the move mentally or physically or both.

Then I started washing the dishes this morning.  It anchored me in time and I was so appreciative of dirty dishes.  Thanks dishes.

I need to wash the dishes more often.

bracelet

I thought my bracelet wearing days were over.

A couple weeks ago, though, Nooriya made a rainbow loom bracelet.  I had thought her rainbow loom days were almost gone.  I thought she had moved past bracelets.

She came to me and gave me the bracelet she made using pink and green rubber bands.  As she gave it to me she explained, "Pink is my favorite color and green is yours."  I've been proudly wearing it since.

It's on my wrist now and it reminds me that I have this strong bond with the kids even though they may not show it the way they used to and that they're not "too" old yet.

Thanks Nooriya.  The bracelet is one of the most meaningful possessions I have.

Fresh

and excited. We moved into our house finally. 

It feels amazing. I woke up the first morning and got ready for the day, but everything was new. I didn't know what the light switches operated or which way to turn the handle for hot water.  It sounds annoying, but it forced me to pay attention to every detail.  Everything is so new. I'm noticing so much and I'm so aware. Taher, it shouldn't take moving houses to feel like this. 

The house is so beautiful. It is the nicest place I've ever lived and things are coming together so well. EVERYTHING inside is just like I want it. The location is in between all the places I go. The house is set up for all the stages of life. It's perfect.

It's fantastic and I appreciate this whole house experience so much. But it's made it really clear to me that it doesn't matter much. I already had all the things that really matter. Taher, don't lose sight of that. 

Nooriya lost her first tooth tonight and we moved into our new home just in time;)

Happiness, Boredom, Little things...

I have some random thoughts on happiness, boredom, little things, and other miscellaneous "stuff" I want to write down and remember.  This may be more stream of consciousness than anything.

I have been super busy lately.  I can't really articulate what has been keeping me busy.  I guess that's just indicative that it's not that important.  I've been too busy to really even write this down.  I was reflecting on boredom as part of being so busy.  Ironically, I've been too busy with stuff and mentally busy to be bored lately.  Lately, I feel I've been filling the time so that I can avoid being bored.  That's dumb.  It's good to be bored and know how to deal with that.  Dealing with being bored is something we teach the kids how to deal with.  Be bored more Taher.

Despite my best efforts, lately it's been difficult to pay attention to the little things. I've at least been aware of this deficiency. I've been lucky to have the reminder  of the kids asking me, "abba can you [fill in the blank] with me?"  It's tempting to answer with something other than YES!  Sometimes other stuff gets in the way, but far more often than anything else the response should be YES!  Before long the kids won't ask much. Taher, this is life and don't let other stuff get in the way.  

I've been learning some stuff about happiness.  We are somewhat predisposed to be happy. This "equilibrium" is roughly half of our happiness or unhappiness. It's not that exact, but it's a lot. Fortunately, there's half or so that's not predisposition.  New meaning for seeing the glass half full. Taher, the glass is half full. 

Also, I learned that kids who have happy parents are more likely to be happy. That's pretty awesome motivation to figure out how to be happier. Do it for the kids Taher;)

Priorities

I'm rereading a book I read long ago.  It's by a physicist and one of my favorites.  This time I'm taking away two main points from the book I think the author is making - things are random and humans are not made to understand randomness.

The book opens with a perspective on randomenss that's quite beautiful.  The author writes it really well, "the outline of our lives, like the candle's flame, is continuously coaxed in new directions by a variety of random events that, along with our responses, determine our fate."  He starts with a story about how his parents may never have met if not for some "chance" event.  The story is beautiful and results in me reading this book, but I don't...can't accept his descriptions of events as random.

This last couple weeks for me have been filled with stuff that has ranged the spectrum from unbelievably good to tragic.  This last couple weeks included the family getting to be with Moula during ashara and the terrible news of people close passing away.  Lots of feelings and words come to mind.  A lot of things came together, but never have I felt it was random.

Recent events have forced me to block out distractions and think about what's important and how I got here.  It's not an accident; it's not random.  Today's experience at masjid helped me see that clearly.  A stranger was there to help mumineen when they needed help.  He selflesssly helped them.  He came to masjid today and saw how many people's lives he touched with his actions.  You get what you give Taher whether you see it or you don't.

I disagree with the author's premise that things are just random.

The author's second point that humans are not made to understand randomness.  Our brains just aren't wired to understand.  The arguements are specific to making decisions and using the available information, but I think the point is more universal.

Humans are not made to understand.

Taher, remember your priorities.  Love is part of all the important ones even though love is someting you'll never truly understand.

Grasshopper

This morning was pivotal.

Nooriya and I have our Saturday morning tradition of making pancakes. I love it and I don't even like pancakes.   We've been doing pancakes together on Saturdays for as long as I can remember.  Long before we started making them.

We have our routine down.  She helps me get the stuff out.  She helps me mix.  She no longer needs her handy instructions.  I look forward to it and so does she.  The first thing she says to me on Saturday is, "Abba, can we make pancakes?".  She asks not sure what the answer is going to be.  Nooriya, should you ever read this the answer will never be no.

Today, she blew my mind.  She dubbed me the "helper" and herself the "baker".   What?!  I thought I had like 10 more years!  It was mostly the same, but it felt different.  One of the many times I have had to let go a little and one of the, hopefully, many times to come.

She still needs me and Yusuf still needs me.  Taher get out of their way and be their "helper" while they need you to.  One day it will be their choice.

Pissed off 2

It's been a couple days.  I'm not angry anymore.

I'm over it, but I wish I could say that I don't spend any energy on what made me upset.  I wish I could stop thinking about it completely.

This morning Yusuf and I were sitting together and noticed something right outside the window.  A small bird was wrestling with what looked like a blade of grass.  The bird was so small and insignificant.

I took a closer look and noticed the blade of grass was actually a smaller and more insignificant bug that the bird was having for breakfast.  It is gruesome to think about, yet so natural.

This scene had layers and gave me good perspective.  I'm small and insignificant and so are the two jerks that set me off.  My experience, while unpleasant, was natural, small, and insignificant.  And it happened and now it's over.  Move on Taher.

Pissed off

I got so angry today.  More angry than I can remember being.  It has been awful feeling like this.

I confronted the two jerks that set me off.    I lost it.  I was so angry that I was shaking.  I literally could not control my body.  I was aggressive though I didn't yell or scream.  The whole thing lasted maybe 10 minutes and afterwards I wished I had been more aggressive and meaner.  It's been hours, but I'm angry as I write this and it's still easy for me to see that my previous sentence is just ugly.   Meaner?!

I'm not proud of my behaviour today.  I'm not proud of my inability to calm down right now.

This is the part I want to remind myself should I ever feel this way again.

I have tried to calm down though; I've tried to focus on the positive.  It's been hard to focus, but it's important for it to be hard sometimes.  There's as much to be thankful for as when it is easy to focus, alhamdolillah.  Remember what Zahra tells the kids, if someone is mean that's their problem.

Also remember Taher, stuff happens and being angry sucks.

milestones

I've been thinking a lot about milestones.  I've been thinking both about what mine are and what they mean.

School is starting and it's making me nostalgic.  I'm thinking about the reference points in my life so far graduations, meeting Zahra, the kids' first steps and more.  I quickly come up with a long list.  I count the kids' milestones as mine too:P

I put this list together and quickly see that there are almost no milestones I count related to work.  There are two - both times I quit:P

I want to remind myself is that I've already been lucky enough to have lots of positive milestones and hopefully many to come including our soon to-be-ready house.  Almost none of them come from work.  Yet, work gets a disproportionate amount energy from me.

Taher, even when work seems to be so important remember that it barely makes the list of important stuff.

Pancakes

I don't love eating pancakes, but I love making them. Every Saturday and sometimes on Sunday too Nooriya and I make pancakes. It's wonderful. I'm up early, it's peaceful, and it's something the kids and I look forward to. I'm not much of a cook but Nooriya tells me I could be a chef at IHOP;)

We've developed this routine and it makes me feel great. I have come to realize that it's not the pancakes or the making the pancakes with Nooriya or even the routine; I crave the good feeling, the high, I've been lucky enough to associate with the feeling with the kids and Saturdays. 

I want to more consciously associate this feeling with the things that are really important to me, Zahra and the kids. I don't want to waste that feeling on things like work or other "distractions". 

At work I have a twice yearly process I have to write down my goals and priorities for the year and assess them.  I usually think of this as HR BS and office drudgery. 

My goals should be simple and I will do well to read this at least twice a year. 

This is Nooriya's pancake recipe. I love it!!!

(Pancake mix

Dood 

Cinnamon 

Mix)

Smile

It's been a long day. Tonight, Yusuf is giving bags of candy to some friends. It is wonderful to watch I can't help but smile. 

Smile Taher.

Just a reminder. 

First namaz

Yesterday in our soon to be house we did namaz for the first time. The house was still very rough around the edges and there was construction debris covering much of the floor. 

It was amazing. It was the first of hopefully many to come with family. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that so many things had come together in life. It was the culmination of all that and the beginning as well. 

Since I was "young", I've had the feeling that the best stage of life was just starting and was just around the corner as well.  

Alhamdolillah. 

Taher, don't rush to get around the corner. 

Madeleine

Iftar today was Madeleine cookies, a kind Yusuf and Nooriya love. Yusuf is a big kid now and he does namaz with the other kids now which is a bit sad for me that he's getting bigger and bigger.  But he still comes back to do Iftar with me. 

I watched him enjoy his cookie. He was focused and really enjoyed what he was doing. I doubt there was much else on his mind. He was in the moment and distracted by nothing. I wished I could feel what he was feeling, but I'm so glad just to watch and notice. Alhamdolillah. 

There's too much that's almost always going on. So much that I feeI I need a vacation from it all. Yusuf and Nooriya remind me that I don't need a vacation. Sometimes just a cookie;) 

Better

I get a lot of time to think during Ramadan. There's so much peaceful time just sitting.  Just sit more often Taher.

I've been thinking about the many things going just right. I'm often reminded that it's not that way for everyone and I think Alhamdolilah. I also think "I wish it could just be like this all the time". 

Things are good, but all this time spent reflecting in Ramadan so far is helping me remember it's still relative. I'm remembering I can be better and it's not good enough to just be the same, whatever that may be.

Don't be complacent Taher, there's always room to improve. 

Adjacent Possible

My involvement with the Casualty Actuarial Society recently started.  I'm on a council tasked with changing the professions culture to be innovative.  I've spent the last couple months learning about what innovation is and all the companies out there that have this illusive quality.  It's really a pretty cool job; I'm helping change the whole profession to be more relevant and shed the image of the stereotypical actuary that is nerdy and is not effective because they lack some important social skills.  I'm the perfect person for the job:P

There's good reason the innovation quality is illusive. There are many "experts" and I work with a consultant who I assume is pretty expensive.  I've read a lot.  It sounds like lots of buzz words so far and not much substance.

I changed my mind all of a sudden.  Well sort of; innovation is pretty intangible. I read something that resonated and I want to write it down.  I've spent much time thinking about taking things step by step and how that gets me to a place far from where I began.

I read about an idea the author coined "the adjacent possible".  The author barely referenced coming up with ideas and innovation buzz words.  He talked about nature.  It's about how things don't just *happen*.   It's rare in nature and in ideas that things "ahead of their time".  There are steps that need to happen to get from one place to another.  "Doors" need to be opened for other "doors" to be reachable.

There's no skipping.  Taher, keep opening doors.

Hubble

The Hubble telescope just celebrated its 25th anniversary. It's being hailed as the greatest scientific achievement. I've been reading about it in the many news stories commemorating it. Some cool facts I've learned are:

It can see a dime from 25 miles away

It's public and anyone can request to use it

It can see 13.4 billion miles away

It takes pictures in black and white 

It's moving at 5 miles per second 

In short, it's amazing. Coincidentally, I'm reading a Sci Fi book written years before the Hubble went into space. It has awesome and beautiful descriptions of space and things that we can only imagine. The book describes well things that we don't know are there. 

The Hubble has let us see things we didn't know were there. There are moons and planets and galaxies we didn't know existed that we can see now. The Hubble inspires belief that just because something isn't apparent yet it will be. 

Both the imagination of the author and the science inspire me to wonder. Taher, don't forget that because you may not understand or see there's more to it. 

texting

Just this week Yusuf started texting.  I'm happy to be on his shortlist of contacts:P

I don't often get to check my messages during the workday.  I checked at lunchtime and I found this gem waiting for me.  If his message is any indication I'm focusing on the right stuff.  Also, I will do well to be open to what Yusuf and Nooriya have to tell me.  Their logic is sometimes simple and flawless.

Ground Breaking

Last week the site of my eventual home was cleared.  There used to be a house there and now it's gone.  Construction has started and now this new house which I've been thinking about and imagining for a while has taken a step that makes the whole thing real for me in a way it wasn't before.

First, Taher you can't think or say Alhamdolillah enough for being able to do this.

I read Zahra's thoughts about this and I feel very much the same.  It got me thinking about all the house stuff I've focused on recently.

Zahra and I have spent alot of time and energy over the last several years talking about and thinking about this home.  It was an idea and all of a sudden it became real for me.  I was aware, on some level, throughout, of thinking about this home and the future.  I would pause and remind myself that I didn't want to focus too much on the future, on the "finish", for fear of not really being present.  I'm happy to realize I wasn't actually focusing on the "finish".

Now that this house is more real I should be more excited.  Just for the record I'm mega excited.  But I've realized now I will miss my time with Zahra thinking about this part of the future.  I will miss making these tiny decisions about small details in the house.  I will miss doing this project with Zahra.

I don't know that I've written down effectively what I want to be reminding myself.  I guess it's simple.

Taher: It's not about the finished product, enjoy the project.

I plan to enjoy the rest of this project.  And then, Zahra, I promise to think of another one:P

Focus

I'm "going through" something that's out of my control.  I'm in my head and I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who cares or really even notices.

I've tried to "solve" the problem many different ways, but I haven't really been successful.

This is good reminder to me that there are many things that seems like a problem I can solve, but they're not really in my control.

It IS in my control to decide what I focus on.  I can spend my energy focusing on my "problem" or I can focus on other stuff.

Connections

I am reminded today that there's lots of distractions and other stuff in life.  The most important things to me are connections with people.

My strongest and most important connection celebrates an 11 year milestone today.

Zahra, thanks for helping me see the difference between important stuff and everything else.

Man in the Mirror

This is one of my favorite songs.  I've heard the lyrics so many times I don't think about them as much as I used to.  I read this and the sentiment was fresh again.  Hopefully, writing it down helps internalize it a little more...

"Wishing to regulate their families, they first cultivated their persons. Wishing to cultivate their persons, they first rectified their hearts. Wishing to rectify their hearts, they first sought to be sincere in there thoughts. Wishing to be sincere in their thoughts, they first extended to the utmost their knowledge."

Game of inches

I've been reading about the criminology Broken Windows Theory and it's made me appreciate a perspective I've tried to stay away from.  Basically, the idea of Broken Windows is fix the little things and big problems will get better.  In New York, the theory was put into practice a while back to clean graffiti and make sure people paid for the subway.  Little things as far as crime in New York goes.

There's lots of statistics that are attractive and lots of data out there saying that this was a good idea. The evidence-based thinking appeals to me a lot.

For a long time, I've been trying not to 'sweat the small stuff'.  I've tried to focus on the big and material things.  Figure out what's important and don't worry too much about the rest.  I am rethinking that.

This theory obviously extends beyond criminology.  The things that stay with me and probably everyone else are the little things.  Every interaction is a chance, an opportunity, to have a great interaction...or a not-so-great one.  Each interaction like a possible baby step to something better; each one a chance to be a better husband, dad, and person.  After a bunch of baby steps I can end up in a very different place.

Maybe the better way to think about everything is pretty much the opposite, 'sweat the small stuff'.

Routine

Zahra has written about our morning routine a couple times.  It's had me thinking more and more about my routine...

I have read about the physical and mental health benefits of kids having a routine.  There are many.  I'm very happy to help make a routine for them.  I try to do many things with them regularly and even daily.  It seems to be working.  The kids know what to do and what's expected.  We've made it pretty structured.  I've watched them grow and enjoy the routine.

I've become aware lately that I really appreciate this routine.  Making a routine for them has become as much a part of my day as theirs.  It compartmentalizes the parts of my day and gives me the ability to focus better on what's happening now.  I look forward to the parts of my day that I get to share with Zahra, Yusuf, and Nooriya.  Compartmentalizing the other parts of my day lets me truly be there more.  That makes it even better.

I get routine in a way that I didn't before and it makes me realize how important it is for me to be a part of their routine.

Fresh start

This past two weeks have not been the nice and comfortable routine I've come to love.  The kids are off from school, I'm home with Zahra and the kids most of these last two weeks of the year.  I had been making plans to spend lots and lots of family time; just the four of us.  My world has become so sharply focused on the four of us lately.

The surprise of dad's heart condition changed those plans.  Family and friends descended upon him.  The circumstances weren't great, but a lifetime of connections were reestablished.  I saw familiar faces of those I see often and those I haven't seen for some time.  Even many faces that were new to me.  I was asked to pass on salaams from so many people; I even can't remember how many.

I was so pleased with the family response.  And with the support I got to be there; thanks Zahra:) It is tiring, but so much easier not being in it alone.  Alhamdolillah, dad has come through with flying colors and in a few weeks he'll feel like he has a new lease on life.

Last night, he came home after 11 nights in the hospital.  He came home to a full house of sons, daughters and grandkids.  Looking around and taking it in, dad took my hand and cried some tears of joy and told me how he's so happy and he wants our family to continue together for generations to come.  I absorbed what I can only guess is a fraction of the perspective he was sharing.  It was a beautiful moment.

It's sometimes challenging being an adult and having parents.  My dad did something right for a long time though.  I had this unconscious desire (probably instilled over a long time) to be around and help however I could.  Strong enough that I believe it's Zahra's desire too.  It's got me thinking about what I have to do to have the same thing many years from now.  I want to be able to look around years from now and be surrounded by my people.  Minus the heart surgery:P

At 74, dad is still teaching me.

Let me fix that for you

I was drawing with Nooriya.  Mostly I was sitting with her and just spending time with her while trying to block out the rest of the world.  We do this all the time; it's awesome.  This time she had me draw a bird.  I did.  She proceeded to erase it completely and say to me, "let me fix that for you".  And then later she said, "you just sit there and I'll take care of it".

Then later Yusuf did something all by himself that I'm used to helping him with.  It's been happening over time, but today it hit me all of a sudden.  Yusuf and Nooriya aren't little anymore.  I know that'll be a ridiculous thing to read when I come back in years when they're actually big.

All of a sudden it was them trying to take care of me when I'm so used to trying to take care of them.  I gather I'll never stop trying.  I'm not sure what my point is, but I do want to write down this memory and come back to read this.

My family is somehow getting even better.

Tortoise and the hare

I've heard this story many many times over the years. It's pretty simple and I've absorbed the message a little bit more every time. It's a nice reminder, but there's really nothing new. "Slow and steady wins the race". Pretty simple. 

I heard another telling recently that has given the story a deeper meaning  for me. The story continues after the race. The hare is in the hospital disgruntled and upset. He's just been diagnosed with cancer. The tortoise visits the hare in the hospital. Old friends talking about the race. The hare can't accept that he could be dying; he is a racer and just ran a race. Their conversation is great and it ends with the tortoise blowing the hare's mind letting him know "it was never a race".

Close call

I had a very close call this morning. A possibly life ending moment. It's a couple hours later and my heart is still racing. 

The details are irrelevant now. I'm of two minds even writing this. I'd just as soon forget or pretend like it didn't really happen. 

I had a rare second-chance moment.  Everything important came into focus and everything else faded. I was jarred into realizing most of the stuff on my mind faded away. 

I'm sooooooo lucky to have a second chance. I'm pretty sure third chances are much more rare. I'll just come back and read this. 

Awesomeness Factor

I've been reading up about positive illusions after hearing about it.  It basically means having a really good attitude about something....unreasonably so.  It's thinking that somethings are disproportionately above average.  I come across this at work all the time.  My math and economics background tell me to take this optimism with a grain of salt.  I am quick to discount when I hear rose-colored predictions at work.

Apparently, there's more to this.  Some psychology study concluded thinking someone is great is a predictor of a good relationship.  And this is a poem I want to come back and read

Love to faults is always blind,
Always is to joy inclin'd,
Lawless, wing'd, and unconfin'd,
And breaks all chains from every mind.
--William Blake

AND like some cool Yoda-mind-trick if you think something is awesome it will be even  more awesome.  That's kind of amazing at first, but then...duh.  All that's required is thinking something is awesome.

Zahra you're awesome and you'll somehow be awesome-er tomorrow.  Thank you and you're welcome:P

Giving Tree

I recently heard about a kids book called 'The Giving Tree'.  This is the Wikipidea entry.

Wiki describes the plot
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The book follows the life of a female [apple] tree and a boy who are able to communicate with each other; the tree addresses the human as "Boy" his entire life. In his childhood, the boy enjoys playing with the tree, climbing her trunk, swinging from her branches, and eating her apples. However, as time passes he starts to make requests of the tree.

After entering adolescence, the boy wants money; the tree suggests that he pick and sell her apples,he does and sells them. After reaching adulthood, the boy wants a house; the tree suggests he cut her branches to build a house, which he does. After reaching middle age, the boy wants a boat; the tree suggests he cut her trunk to make a boat, which he does, leaving only a stump.

In the final pages, the boy (now a shriveled old man) wants only "a quiet place to sit and rest," which the stump provides. The story ends with the sentence "And the tree was happy."

---

The story can be interpreted many ways.  It can be interpreted simply as good or bad.  It can be interpreted as a metaphor for many things I think.

The story is simple in a way.  It reminds me that it's my decision to interpret this however I choose.  The story reminds me more generally that the way I see things is in my control.  

It's easy for me to see this as story between a parent and a child.  I think of Yusuf and Nooriya and how I get to be with them everyday.  I'm not in a hurry to skip forward, but I'm sure the story ends with me being happy...no matter what.  I plan to come back for this reminder over the years when it might not be so clear.

This post happens to coincide closely with Nooriya's birthday.  Five!  I remember when it was JUST four.

Hurry up and slow down

Today I had an especially busy morning and I let myself get caught up in the busyness.  I rushed from here to there and back many times both physically and mentally.  It was exhausting, but I had some time planned to slow down and relax.  It's Friday and I had my class to relax just after lunch.

My morning continued to be busy and of course bled into lunch.  I had just enough time to shovel from food into my face so I could get down to relaxing.  I just needed to hurry up and eat.

It was mid-way through my lunch that I realized how ridiculous this was.  I was kind of stressing out about my relaxing time.  I still couldn't snap out of it, but at least I was self-aware.  I hope I can come back to this memory and snap out of it when I need to in the future.

I was doing today in a very small way what I don't ever want to do...I was just trying to get to [Fill in the blank].  I don't want to miss what's happening now because I'm waiting to get past some milestone or whatever.

I did make it to class on time:P.  The class wasn't as good as it would have been if I'd been a little more mellow to start with.  You get what you give:P

One more hour

The other day Yusuf asked me why there aren't 25 hours in a day.  I explained some stuff about the sun rising and the earth spinning.  I'm sure it wasn't very satisfying to hear.  I wasn't very satisfied explaining.

His question was less about science and more him wondering why he couldn't stay up past bedtime and do more fun stuff.  This has stayed with me for a couple days.

And last night I was about an hour late getting home.  It was due to a combination of meetings and traffic.  I got home later than usual and I couldn't participate like normal.  The kids had already eaten and were already winding down from their day.  I felt robbed.  I felt like my night was stolen.

I thought about Yusuf's question again and I asked myself another one.  Why aren't there 23 hours in a day?  It would suck if the day was shorter.  I have 24 hours a day to spend however.  I'll be home on time tonight!