A different world

The last few days in Mumbai have been eye opening in many ways.  

There are soooo many people. It's amazing!  They all go about their business seemingly independent of one and other. 

Things here are so different than what I know and I'm so glad to be reminded of that. The people dress differently, eat different foods, and are concerned with different things it seems. Everything looks and feels just different. 

It's shocking at first and seems strange. There's traffic and an energy and I don't see any order...and then I do. There's an energy here and a harmony that's now unmistakable. Everything works. Not like I expect, but it works. 

One reason I'm glad I'm here is that it's opened my mind in a way I had thought it was always open, but really it wasn't. I thought I appreciated different points of view (or at least that there are many of them) and assumed some things universal. I appreciate now that I don't and can't really appreciate how different things can be...and still be in harmony. 

I want Yusuf and Nooriya to be here again and again and understand at a much earlier age what I've just now begun to understand. 

My mind is thousands of miles away from what I'm used to, both figuratively and literally. And I'm the better for it. 

The next generation

I've heard countless stories and recountings of the past from my parents and their generation. Always with some liberties and a little bit of rose colored misremembering I'm sure.  

I heard more stories about humble beginnings and "how things used to be". I usually nod my head and listen and maybe roll my eyes a bit if I'm being honest. This time was different. It was made quite clear for me that I can't TRULY know. I might be able to acknowledge or try to appreciate or something other than those words, but I can't know. 

Usually, I reject the need to have experience in order to have perspective. In this case, I'm rethinking that. I had a way different starting point in my life, mostly because of my parents. Yusuf and Nooriya have a different starting point and a long long long time from now hopefully a much better end too. And that's the dream. I'm pretty sure that's been the dream for generations. 

I can't know what I don't know. I can try to though. I benefit so much from listening to those stories, that history. I think I would be doing Yusuf and Nooriya a disservice if I don't repeat and repeat what a "simpler" and tougher time their parents had.  Even if I get a bit of eye rolling in response.

Business books

I have a growing section of "business" books in the library. The books are full of what seem to me to be a couple simple ideas said over and over in different ways.

I love reading these books. However, they are never about work or business for me. The books always instruct me to figure out what's important and focus on that.  And the books are full of catch phrases and various ways to "be the best".

I've read so many of these books over the years. Each time I read one I stop to think about what's important. And what's important really hasn't changed and it probably never will...that's a sign that it's important. 

Sun through the clouds

I read about this guy who is 88 and made this commitment to walk every day. It's been 18 years. And counting. 

I love his spirit.

----

"Life is about a series of habits, and you can have bad habits that are hard to break and you could also have good habits that are hard to break. If you fill your life with good habits, you should lead a better life," said Gentile

----

I hope I can have this perspective often and for many many years to come. Habits are made over time...and it's never too late to start another. 

Today I tried to teach Yusuf about Inshallah and that we never know what will happen tomorrow. It was a great lesson for me to think about and attempt to articulate. 

Awesomeness

Today Nooriya tackled me and with her arms around my neck as she smiled she told me, "this is the biggest hug ever and I'll never let you out". 

If you ever read this Nooriya, you will never have to let me out:)

Time

Today I listened to a RadioLab podcast on how the dinosaurs went extinct.  It was very science-y and cool.  The podcast talked about lots and lots of cool things like by looking at different types of pollen in a rock it can be determined that a meteor hit the earth in June.  That's pretty precise and pretty amazing.

The part that amazed me most was that it can be determined that the dinosaurs went extinct in roughly two hours.  It took just two hours for the world to end if this theory is right.  Two hours?! I think about different ways that I spend two hours to put this into perspective.  This post basically took 15 minutes.  Yesterday, I spent more than two hours in meetings at work that didn't amount to anything really.  Earlier this week, I spent almost 2 hours commuting to and from work in a single day.  I've spent more than two hours being upset about nothing.

This reminds me that time is precious.  Without warning my time may be cut short.  There's right now that's for certain and that's all.  Make it count Taher.

4 years

Happy birthday Nooriya!  We are having pancakes for breakfast, currently Nooriya's only reliable meal that she finishes with me. Our special breakfasts are coming to and end for now when she goes to madrasa soon.

It's strange being here today. Behind us there's a table of four teenage girls with their high school jackets and talking about whatever teenage girls talk about. There's probably a bit of dad-bashing in there😄. 

Lately Nooriya has been tough. It feels like a glimpse what it will be like in ten years. She acts like a teenager sometimes, but at least this year she's at breakfast with me.

Magical

The other day Nooriya told me, "I drink duud and I get full...it's magical"

It is kind of magical.  So many wondrous systems are around us, like digestion which is pretty complex and cool.  It's so easy to take so many amazing things for granted.  Don't take things for granted.

And Nooriya way to not take this for granted.  But really?! THIS is what you don't take for granted.

1,000 marbles

A friend pointed me to one of those cheesy yet inspiring stories today.  I want to write it down and remember it.

“Let me tell you something Tom, something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities."

And that's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles." "You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years."

"Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900 which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime.

Now stick with me Tom, I'm getting to the important part."

"It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail", he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy."

"So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round-up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear. Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away."

"I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight."

"Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time."

Keep your eye on the ball

I constantly heard this or some variation of this for years when I was in little league. I learned today when the ball goes a little bit fast that it is impossible to keep your eye on the ball. Turns out that really good hitters anticipate what the pitcher is doing in a nutshell and practice. Basically they visualize where the ball will be and get there with the bat. 

I hate sports metaphors, but have always resonated with "keep your eye on the ball". 

Now I'm reevaluating what the metaphor means to me. I think knowing that "keeping your eye on the ball" is not possible makes the metaphor so much more powerful. I can't do it, but if I keep trying I can achieve what I'm trying despite that fact. 

Days, Weeks, Months...

Today is the 22nd consecutive day that I've woken up early and started my day with a workout.  I'm past my physical prime, but I still have it in me to be in great shape.  I feel great.

I made a goal 3 weeks ago to exercise every day after seeing someone else talk about the same goal they had that turned into years.  I've passed the 3 week mark and it's routine now.

Exercise isn't the only thing that's changed.  My brain and stomach have come together and I've chosen better food to eat.  It wasn't really intentional to "fix" my diet, but rather it has been a...consequence.

My point isn't really about exercise or diet or anything specific really.  This exercise thing is reminding me that good choices start one day at a time.  Good habits and routines start from a beginning.  So do bad ones.  Often, too, for me good choices lead to other good choices.  And probably the same for bad ones.

I'm looking around me at my wall of pictures seeing how the important people in my life have changed so much over the days, weeks, months, and years.  My walls of pictures serve many purposes.  One of them is to remind me that things change faster than I realize.  Do good now.  Be good now.  Think about what you have right now.  It will be easier to do/be/think tomorrow.

It's never too late to be great!  (I'm a poet in my spare time:P)

A small step...

NASA made it official, the Voyager crossed into interstellar space.

I wrote about being fascinated by the things the golden record contained in the Voyager.  I am so inspired by its grandness.  It opens my mind further to the giant universe we live in.  At the same time and probably more importantly, it reminds me of my smallness.

I'm also reminded to reach for the stars...literally.

Future

"I have seen the future and it's still in the future"...the future of George Jetson at least.  I'm not quite sure when that quote was written originally, but it us just as relevant now.

I'm rereading a book originally written over 10 years ago that is a compilation of the previous 10 years marvelling at the technology advances in the 90's and also making light of some of our collective notions of the future back then.

As my thoughts often do, they turned toward the family. In a week Yusuf will start kindergarten which just blows my mind and Nooriya is on the verge of reading and doing so many new things.

Yusuf is asking me so many intelligent questions and Nooriya is following his lead. The questions are getting to be too hard for me and we are frequently looking things up in books and Googling. The last few months have been very transformative for me as a parent. Much of my caregiving is becoming teaching and explaining. Less is meeting their basic needs. It's awesome. I am in the best place I've ever been with Zahra too.

I feel much the same as I have for the last twenty years or so. Feeling as if I'm in and just entering the best stage of my life.

Zahra and I think about the future as in the next six months or year, but I don't really think seriously past that.

This book makes so obvious to me how fast things change. I don't know if the author's intent is to push me to dream about the future that might be. If that's the case the author has failed because it is making me focus on right now. Right now is a 'simpler time' just as two years ago was 'simpler' and six year's ago was even 'simpler' and a hundred years.... Inshallah ten years will pass and instead of longing for a 'simpler' time then I will look around and appreciate the simpleness then. And Inshallah ten years after that and ten years after that and ten years....

Life as a zoo

I'm rereading a book I first read almost ten years ago. A small chapter I read fast the first time caught my attention and is packed with lines to remember.

The short passage is about taking care of animals in a zoo. The thinking about animals resonates so much with me about people and ourplace. In essence, the chapter is about escape. This quote sums up the chapter very well.

"Everything in an enclosure must be just right-in other words, within the limits of an animal's ability to adapt"

We parallel animals in a zoo in so many ways. There is one major difference I see. Unlike animals that may try to escape the zoo from something, we are escaping to something.

Attitude and Intention

It's Ramadan and every year I turn inward and think about all that's been given to me and do my best to appreciate it. I think a lot about the illusion of control and everything that really isn't in my control at all. All with the goal of trying hard to be aware of all the things in my life.

The last few weeks and this Ramadan I'm taking the opposite approach. I think so much about what isn't in my control that I forget about what is. My attitude and my intention are the two things I can think of that are truly in my control. Also gifts to be sure, but up to me how to make use of these tools.

This year, alongside remembering all the things that are in my life because of no effort of my own or at most the illusion of my effort, I will remember constantly what is in my control. 

Infinity

I love math because it is full of very abstract concepts with implications about our world once you get passed the foundation stuff.  I'm guessing this is just as true for any of the other sciences that attempts to describe our world.

I'm rereading a book from the bookshelf, "Chaos".  It's probably very boring to most, but I find it fascinating.  The book talks about how the study of chaos began.  If nothing else, I want to remember it is a study fundamentally about perspective.

Nature has this property where no matter how much you zoom in or out things look irregular. A snapshot of a coastline at 1000 feet altitude or 1 millimeter altitude will look pretty much the same. The study of chaos has the central theme that there is a "regular irregularity" to the world.  Mind blown!

Reading this book has also got me remembering the painter's paradox or Gabriel's horn.  Basically, it's a shape that has the property that you could fill it with paint, but never have enough paint to paint the outside.  I learned about this in high school basic calculus and my reaction was probably not much deeper than "this is cool".

The point I want to takeaway from this is to remember in math and in life there are things I can and can't understand AND I need to be aware of that.

Record

I'm taking an interest in digital privacy or lack of.  I'm learning that nothing I write in an email (whether sent or not) or blog or anything digital and connected to the internet isn't mine anymore.  All that (and this) is relinquished by me and recorded.  I have some strong opinions about privacy, but that's not what's on my mind today.

Today, I'm thinking about what kind of trail I'm leaving and what I will continue to leave. I think it's really great that we now have a record to pass down to Yusuf, Nooriya, and next generations.  I also think it's really not great that it's so easy to mold someone's digital historical record this way or that. Just the same way numbers and statistics get skewed and misinterpreted all the time, so too will our records.

A couple of stories in the news right now are taking a people's digital history and compiling them to portray them as this or that.  Technically, I guess they're speaking for themselves which is great, but probably a lot out of context and over many years.  A "regular" guy is a hero or a villain or a genius or a moron depending.

I think back at the last 15 years and all the things I did as a dumb kid without foresight and I'm thankful that not much of that is recorded, at least not that I know of.  I have, though, recorded a bunch of stuff and am concerned that taken the wrong way and out of context.  I know how I would like to be remembered and I hope whatever I leave behind doesn't get twisted into something else.

Prediction

"A prediction that the sun will rise is no more rational than a prediction the sun won't rise...don't blame nature because you are too daft to understand it"

Baye's simple description of the world is rich with philosophical implications. If you believe something 100%, no amount of evidence can convince you otherwise.

Awesomeness

Yesterday Yusuf told me that we "should get a pool in the backyard because it is awesome".

It is awesome.  The more I thought about it his logic is flawless.

I'm going to do more stuff because it's awesome...maybe not a pool though:P

Forward

I read about a solar powered plane that could fly through the night.  The plane is not practical.  It's slow, difficult to maneuver, and has other limitations.  The scientist summed up why all the effort was being put into this project as "breaking the assumptions of what's possible".

It is amazing to think about where we are compared to were not too long ago.  I am amazed by the things I now think possible that I couldn't really imagine just a little while ago.  I write this as both a warning not to fall complacent and a reminder to myself to keep moving towards something.  Anything is possible.

Order out of disorder

I saw this and first thought that it was just cool.



I think back to every summer and seeing fireflies and watching them randomly flicker and remember thinking nothing of it.  I then saw this video of thousands of fireflies flashing in unison.  Amazing.

 Among other places where fireflies live, they flashed in unison on this river in Thailand.  Just discovered, maybe 50 years ago.  In the dark, silent night.  Amazing! and for no one to see.  And they've probably been doing it for thousands of years.

And my immediate assumption is that there is "no one to see".  Subtle, but I realize that my assumption that there should be someone to see, someone to understand is very presumptuous.  My reaction of isn't only wonder and appreciation, it's something more and marked with hubris.  I also think of my definition of the word random.

Random is a human construct, a human definition.  It's an explanation for something that can't be explained.  Just like fireflies who appear to flash randomly one at a time, but thousands together have a pattern.  Random is just a matter of perspective.  Things may appear random to me, but I shouldn't think they aren't without a purpose.

"Cookie time!"

I love having cookies and milk with the kids. Nooriya is learning how to dip cookies in milk, it's a little messy:-)

Saturday mornings

I love my Saturday mornings, most Saturdays in the morning it its just me and Nooriya. Too soon she will go to madrasa too:'(

Who's who

I'm pretty sure I didn't encourage either one of them to say this:-)

"I want to be a builder when I grow up"

"I want to be a princess when I grow up!"

Storytime

After many many times gong to Storytime at the library she finally sat by herself. I'm proud of her, but mostly sad she's not cuddling with me in my lap:'(

Best Birthday Ever!

For some reason Yusuf wanted to throw me a surprise birthday party the other night.  My birthday isn't for months, but this was awesome still.

The party was complete with decorations Yusuf had cut out and taped to the wall, invitations, party hats, a construction paper cake with candles, and a happy birthday song that Yusuf wrote the lyrics out for.

It was so amazing to be the center of his attention and I have some precious souvenirs from the party I plan to keep for a long time.  Hopefully they're a small part of what I'll continue to collect from Yusuf and Nooriya.

Thanks Yusuf! (and Zahra)

"I Love You You are the best and the great"

Party Balloon and Cake

"I Love you and you are the best and supur! good! and nice!"

This is the invitation outside

 This is the invitation inside, "Dear Abba, Yusuf and Nooriya and Mumy have a extra special surprise at home and it is a secret."

Yusuf wrapped some presents and made some party hats!

Peacock

Dad told me something really nice tonight.

In English, "a peacock doesn't need to be painted".  He said it much more eloquently in Gujarati.  He said it about mostly about Yusuf, but about me too.  I don't want to write down what I think it means now.  I want to read this a long time from now and re-interpret it.

SLOW DOWN!

Today Yusuf is going on his first sleepover.  I wasn't ready for him to be going out on his own and spending the night away when my mom called and said to send him over.  He's super excited even though I'm kind of scared.

Also, in the car he was telling me about how in five years he'd be ten.  Ten!

Yusuf is blowing my mind a little today:)

Quotes

I'm reading a history of risk and these are a couple quotes I know I will want to come back to read.

"The actions we dare to take, which depend on how free we are to make choices, are what the story of risk is all about.  And that story helps define what it means to be a human being."

"If everything is a matter of luck, risk management is a meaningless exercise.  Invoking luck obscures truth, because it separates an event from its cause."

"Once we understand that we are not obliged to accept the spin of the roulette wheel or the cards we are dealt, we are free souls.  Our decisions matter.  We can change the world."

Ice Cream

The other night I watched Nooriya eat a cup of ice cream.  I watch her intently and two thoughts struck me as she worked to get as much ice cream as possible successfully into her mouth.

One...She was so singularly focused on her task.  She sat there using an adult size spoon that was too big for her trying to get as much ice cream out of the bowl and to her mouth.  She patiently and carefully took each bite of ice cream out of the bowl with complete concentration.  She dropped a little bit on the table, a lot on her face and some in her mouth.  I was a bit jealous of her ability to be so focused and her ability to block out pretty much everything else.

Two...I was reminded of the enormity of my responsibility.  She was able to be so unaware of everything that wasn't ice cream in that moment.  That's my job to be aware for her.  It was a great moment for me to remember I just have a very few number of tasks in my life that I need to focus on.  I enjoyed my ice cream as much as Nooriya did because she so clearly reminded me that my most important things to focus on were sitting at the table eating ice cream with me.

Go Fish!

Yesterday was Nooriya's 3rd birthday.  Hard for me to understand she's already 3.  The four of us went for ice cream yesterday to celebrate before her party.

We had ice cream and taught Yusuf to play Go Fish!  It was awesome, he got it and he really enjoyed it.  I watched him yell "GO FISH! abba" and all of a sudden realized this was the first time he'd ever played Go Fish! and it was kind of blowing his mind discovering this game.

All day I've been thinking back to when Yusuf was just a few days and weeks old.  I remember marvelling at the thought that just about every single thing was brand new to him - everywhere he went, everything he ate, everything he wore...it was pretty much all for the first time.  Last night he had another first, and I realized there are so many more to come for him.  I have also been thinking that there isn't much in my week or month that is for the first time.  Almost everything I do, eat and experience I've done before.

I also realized something else after all this stuff.  Yesterday, I got to be a part of his first game of Go Fish!  It's just up to me to be a part Yusuf's and Nooriya's firsts. 

disruption

I may have a decision to make soon or even again some time much later this will be worth thinking back to.  I hope I come back to this post when it comes time to make that decision.

So many times small annoying things happen like being stuck in traffic and I've thought if I only I'd taken the other way or left a few minutes earlier.   Sometime later, hopefully not too long later, I think that I was spared experiencing something bigger and worse and only had to deal with something small and annoying.

I feel blessed to be able to have this perspective at least some of the time.  While this has served me well with the small stuff and my day to day, it hasn't really pushed me to think about my life in the long-term.

In the last couple weeks two things have disrupted normal life so much it has forced me to look closely at the path I'm on now.  There are two different things, but they really make me see the same thing; what it is that I have now.

The first is a job opportunity.  It's not an opportunity really of any substance yet, but a romantic idea of what my career might be like.  If this pans out it could be like waving a magic career wand and getting to this place where I could just open any career door I wanted.  I could take any number of career paths with a bright future and in my mind everything else would just fall into place.

The second is a the family being separated.  Zahra is gone right now and it is the most time we've ever spent apart.  I'm fine and the kids are fine.  Taking good care of them is a tough job, but I'm up for it.  It's just really lonely.  I don't have fun; I'm just doing stuff to pass the time until we're all together again.

I'm so glad these two things happened at the same time.  It has given me the opportunity to think clearly about where our life is headed and could be headed.  I wonder how many things have had to go exactly right for me to have this lucky life.  I could make this career change, but it might mean changing this great thing I've got.  I better not  make the decision seeing only the things I want to see and ignoring the rest.  I am doing my best not to lose sight of why I work in the first place.  My ambitions and aspirations are not career-related, they're life-related.  No matter how tempting the opportunity, if I make a decision that puts career before life I'll regret it sooner or later.  Probably sooner.

Awe

The last few weeks I've had several things remind me of my 'smallness'.

I am learning about Voyager and the Golden Record it carries.  It was launched 35 years ago, and had this amazingly romantic idea. It would carry this small record meant to encapsulate our planet.  On it, there are sounds of so many things including baby's cry, greetings in numerous languages, animal sounds and the brain waves of Ann Druyan who was in love and would later marry Carl Sagan.  The Voyager has been traveling at about 36K mph since it left in 1977.  There are countless stars out there; thousands of stars you can't see for all those that you can and the Voyager won't reach the closest one for another 40,000 years.  The idea that someone or thing might find this and might be able to listen to this and might be able to interpret this is  so enchanting.

Jimmy Carter said so articulately, "This is a present from a small, distant world, a token of our sounds, our science, our images, our music, our thoughts and our feelings. We are attempting to survive our time so we may live into yours.'

A couple weeks back Curiosity landed successfully on Mars a mere 60 million away.  Against the odds, the 7 minute landing controlled and monitored far, far, far, far away was a success and inspired and united a whole world by pushing the bounds of what humans have been given the capacity to do.

The other night I watched a stupid Nick Cage movie that gave some crazy stats about the size of our world and it's expanse of time. There are 1,000,000,000,000 stars in our galaxy and 1,000,000,000,000 galaxies out there, give or take a zero:P  The mathematician in me wonders can our planet be 1 in a 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000...(you get the idea), how romantic an idea is that? In a blink of an eye in universe time there were dinosaurs and in another blink our sun will be burnt out.

And the other night, the biggest thing or rather the thing the put this size in perspective was mom's letter.  I'm a believer in determinism, things happen for a reason.  This amazing experience with this amazing Moula that I'm a beneficiary of, that my kids are a beneficiary of is unbelievable, it is beyond any math or logic.  If I ever think things are random or without purpose, I will feel sorry for myself.

Also, I saw 'The Dark Knight Rises" today for the first of probably many times to come and it was out of this world  AWE-some!

Legacy

I've heard the lore of Aqa Moula's first visit to Chicago in 1978, first utaro at mom and dad's house, but I got a new even more fantastic perspective of it yesterday.

Last night I got to be part of something so special.  I got watch as mom read 'the letter'.  I can't go into the history of the letter too much for fear I would be incomplete and I would not do it justice.  The letter's content and journey has a story that can't be made up and I can only understand as my naseeb to be witness to its reading.

All the stories I've heard before have been from memories and amazing experiences people remember and many of them I've heard second hand.  At the time, mom wrote a letter to her parents in India.  35 years ago India may have well been another planet.  The letter is about 15 pages and rich in detail and emotion.  After many years and some amazing trip, the letter made its way back to mom.

I watched mom read the letter word for word.  It was filled with details like dates, times, the clothes Aqa Moula was wearing, the food Aqa Moula ate and so many more details, details that would have otherwise been lost. As mom read the letter, it was magical.  She was reading, but also reliving every moment and it was moving.

In addition to the letter, Dad had the incredible foresight to document so much of the trip with moving pictures and portraits.  A video camera was no small thing in 1978.

By the end of the 45 minutes, I was so captivated that I could hardly digest what I had just been a part of.  I think about this amazing, amazing thing that mom and dad have to pass down to Aziz and Zahra and as my great luck would have it, me too.

It occurs to me now that mom was round about my age when she wrote the letter.  She was even in just about the same stage of parenthood.  I doubt very that mom and dad could have imagined the legacy they would have to give to us so many years later.  I can't think about Yusuf and Nooriya so many years from now.  It isn't obvious to me the legacy Zahra and I will pass down to them, but I don't want to take it for granted that it will be so valuably documented as mom and dad have been able to do.

Flip book

Zahra and Yusuf went to a movie and Nooriya and I made our own movie/flip book

Missing the point

Move on

Last week I was in a car accident and I just can't get past what did and didn't happen.  The accident happened in an instant, but it's weight on me has been lasting.  My mom and my brothers' two beautiful girls were in the car.  We are so fortunate the accident happened to be minor and most importantly that no one got hurt.

Still, I feel so responsible and I'm finding it a lot to bear.  I don't understand how my brothers have been so awesome and patient, making this a non-event in many ways.  And I don't understand how my dad's first reaction was, "Alhamdollilah, something bad DIDN'T happen". I'm hearing, "there was nothing you could have done; it's not your fault".  I believe that and comprehend that, but I just can't seem to internalize it. 

I'm hoping that writing this will help me process what happened and understand better what's never been in my control.

Memory

I both fear and hope that many of the wonderful memories I have of the last couple years since Yusuf and Nooriya have come will be replaced by lots of new ones.

For when that happens, there's one memory in particular I want to write down.  Nooriya still prefers to drink her milk in somebody's lap.  Usually it's me or Zahra.  Though it's less often that it's me now, and sometime in the near future she may not even want a lap.

She is full of energy all the time, but when she drinks her milk there is a few moments of stillness.  She focuses all her energy on holding your thumb.  She tries to put her thumbnail in between your thumb and thumbnail.  It doesn't hurt, but it doesn't feel nice either.  For some reason, Zahra likes it.  I am not sure why I let her do it.  But, I am sure I want to remember this.

I had no idea...

I've been writing this blog for long enough that I barely recognize the perspective that I used to have.  I wrote this 8 years ago about me palying with my then baby niece.  In it I wrote something suggesting I might understand and appreciate what it means to be a parent and love your kid.  I had no idea.  I've done lots of diapers and been there for pretty much everything that happens in the first 4 years.  I think I can appreciate what a person will do for their kids, though I'll probably look back at this post 8 years and roll my eyes just as much as I did  just now.

I love being able to glimpse the thoughts I had a long time ago.  I'm glad I've been writing these posts.

Early bird

A new morning routine has developed at home over the last couple weeks and it is awesome!  I've made my start a little earlier and at first I was waking up a little groggy, but my new morning is fantastic and well worth getting up early for. 

Every morning Nooriya wakes up and wants me to lie with her in my bed next to her and her Dora doll for a few minutes and she stays with me with me as I get ready for work.  I have very little privacy, but it is well worth it.  Yusuf then joins us and he sits with me while I do Quran.  After we're all (or most of us) are all changed the four of us have breakfast together.

Not to future me: don't mess with the mornings, this start makes my day.

There will come a day...

Today when I left for work Nooriya was in diapers and when I get home from work she won't be.  Potty training starts today.  A small part of me is feeling thrilled that I won't really have diapers in my life.

When Yusuf left diapers I remember being thrilled, we had half as much stuff to carry around and worry about.  It was so liberating.  One kid out of diapers, but we still had one in diapers.  We still had plenty of stuff left.  This time we're getting to almost no stuff to think about. 

On the whole, it'll be nice to not have to do diapers.  But I'm not thrilled; mostly, I'm kinda bummed today.  Today Nooriya starts to not need diapers and changing her diaper is just one less thing she needs from me.

Today diapers...Tomorrow?

Ice Cream Cone

Today I sat across from Yusuf as he devoured an ice cream cone. Relative to him, it was giant and he finished it completely one lick at a time with ice cream all around his mouth when he was done. He says and does so many things that make me think of as older than he is. Watching him eat his ice cream cone was a reminder for me of how small he is and how much I still want to teach him.

I just got back from India and it was a wonderful trip. We made the trip on short notice and I remember deciding whether or not to make the trip about a week before. After coming back and thinking about the last ten days, I can't now understand what the hesitation was. I want to teach Yusuf and Nooriya to make decisions that they will feel good about and remember weeks, months and even years later...without so much hesitation.

Pretend Sleeping

The last few days have been stressful and made many times more stressful with Nooriya constantly screaming. She alternates between loud and very loud.

Yesterday started off like most days waking up very early to Nooriya screaming. After a whiny morning routine of changing clothes, brushing teeth and breakfast, we went upstairs where Nooriya tried to help folding the laundry.

This morning was different. She climbed onto my bed and under the covers. Lying down she's only about 1/5 the length of the bed so she's this tiny person in a giant bed. "Abba! Sleep, abba!" Ok, sure. I'd love to lie down actually, though I'm thinking to myself, "I would have loved some actual sleep a few hours ago."

Pretend sleeping ended up being a 45 minute game most of the time with Nooriya about 2 inches from my face. Every sentence she'd say would start and end with abba just to soften me up a little extra, "Abba, I'm standing abba". It was great; it melted away the stress of the last few days and was worth all the screaming. No actual sleeping though:)

Despite how hard it is sometimes, I love being home. I'm confident that I won't ever need reminding, but just in case...I love being home.

Bonded

The last few weeks for me have been frustrating; Nooriya has been making her preference for Zahra known. Every day is, "I want MAMMI!" at various loud volumes and various stages of crying. And that's awesome; there isn't a single person in the world I would rather her want more than Zahra, including me.

Some days I just look at her and she runs to Zahra. She hasn't sat in my lap to drink milk in a long time. I try not to read into it; she's two. But I can't help feeling that she doesn't want me. She just prefers Zahra.

What the heck?! I make every effort to be around all the time; I have a low stress and low commitment job, I don't have or want "guy" plans, I don't really devote any energy to anything else. I am there for virtually all dinners, bathtimes, bedtime and we do everything as a family. What more can I do; it doesn't make sense to me.

Then yesterday. I was out with Yusuf for a few hours during her nap. When I came home, I was greeted at the door with Nooriya yelling, " I LUW YOU ABBA! I LUW YOU ABBA!" Not long later, she lied in my lap awake for about a half hour. It was as if she was just plugging into me and somehow sending to me a signal of how close she is to me. Message received. And this morning, she slept in and woke up after I left for work. When she woke up she was asking for me.

I hope to come back and read this when I'm frustrated. All the effort is so well worth it. I know there will be many times to come where I'm not on the top of her list. It's comforting to know that she can somehow connect with me and erase my frustration.

Ashura #4

Ashura was yesterday and I'm thoroughly exhausted. It's a good exhausted accompanied by a sense of accomplishment.

#4 because it's Yusuf's fourth ashura. I can remember his first way back when we measured his age in weeks. Now I measure my life by how many ashuras I've had Yusuf with me.

Four years ago we brought this tiny baby to the masjid to show him off. I was so proud to have him. This year I am SO PROUD of him. It was a long, long day for me and probably many more times for him. This year he didn't play; I didn't entertain him. This year he did fakoh the whole day. He did matam the whole day. He said "ya Hussein!" the whole day. And we got to watch two moulas doing vaas together!

I can remember being exhausted that first year too being a brand new parent, a different kind of exhausted, but still exhausted and still comparable. I spent much of ashura this year trying to make Yusuf as much a part of it as I could. I was exhausted then, this year and hopefully many years to come being a parent to Yusuf on ashura.

This year more than others, the bayaans about seizing opportunities and not letting time pass waiting for the 'right' moment resonated so much with me as Yusuf was there with me making me proud.

Taher, spend your time wisely.

Risk and Reward

Stupid title, I know. I'm sure I'll think that when I come back to read this.

Reminder to myslef - these posts are a snapshot of how I feel and I write them down to remind myself later.

Today I feel great. I feel like I've taken a first real step, a big one for me, towards the job situation I really want.

I've written a lot recently about my job and my job situation. I have to be honest with myself here; it's been on my mind more than just recently. My job situation is great with lots of choice, stability and comfort. I've always thought it would be great to work more independently and one day for myself. But in the past this thought got quickly dismissed. Afterall, my job situation is great so it is just not worth the risk.

Lately, I've been unhappy at work feeling a lot of limitations at work and more importantly, restrictions about how work fits into life. It has become very clear to me how little that fit is in my control at the moment.

Not a whole lot has changed since yesterday other than I have a plan and made some decisions. I have decided the reward of working independently and more on my terms is worth the risk. I don't know what it will be like, but I have decided I want to find out. I have a ton of support to do this. I just need to have a little faith.

It feels great to have a plan.

Bumper Sticker

I spent much of my drive home from work yesterday behind somebody who had a bumper sticker that read

"If you could ask God one question, what would it be?"

I spent the ride thinking about what was most important to me. And then I was home:P

I think my exact answer is not improtant and it will probably change over time. But I hope to come back here and read this post whenever I need to focus on the sometimes elusive bigger picture and what's important.

So fast...

I asked Yusuf, "Will you stay in Chicago with us forever?"

"Yeah. Look...that's a big frog."

Very convincing:P

I wish I could freeze them both at this age for a little while longer.

Being important

I want to write down and capture how I've been feeling about my job change.

I still have the same thoughts as I did when I made the change and I still know in my heart of hearts I made the right move. I have more time with Zahra, Yusuf and Nooriya, a shorter commute, a less stressful job, I don't bring work home with me; basically I'm getting paid more to do less. Lots of stuff on the pro side; this is great, what more could I ask for?

I need to be realistic; I went from working for one corporation to working for another. I didn't start making the world better (or at least better off than in my other job). This is awesome though, I know it is. But I still have this nagging feeling I can't shake. I feel unimportant at work, I'm of little consequence. I used to be important. People used to ask for my opinion and my perspective on things. Now, I don't feel like I'm spending my workday usefully and I'm bored.

No phone, no lights, no motorcar; not a single luxury...

My phone broke last week, or more accuartely I broke it. Since then, I've been without a phone and now have a phone that pretty much only makes calls.

At the risk of sounding old and this post being a "I remember when gas was only ..." post. Here goes...I remember when phones were just phones. I even remember when phones were only connected to a wall. Oh what did I used to do in this wired, non-touch screen stone-age?:P

The past little while has been frustrating, a bit boring and refreshing at the same time. I realized I don't know how to drive anywhere new without a gps telling me turn by turn where to go, email is not that important and the internet is even less so. I'm sure I'll read this sometime later and roll my eyes.

It's also been refreshing to not use my phone to occupy every 'free' moment I have. It's been nice, in a way, that I haven't been able to take a picture of Yusuf and Nooriya, but had to remember what we were doing and how cute they are. It is wierdly awesome to have my mind wander about this or that and not attempting to be productive in some way all the time.

I have to be honest with myself, I am looking forward to getting another phone in a couple weeks and rejoining the 2011s. In the mean time, I'll try to enjoy being relatively less connected.

My morning

With much trepidation I've made a change leaving my really good job earlier this summer. I haven't exactly taken a step down, rather I like to think of it a step slower. Up to this point my career has been moving fast; in hindsight, so many opportunities have opened up for me. I wanted to slow down and go at a slower pace. I decided to make a move and see how things would be.

I've gotten used to having a reputation and all the resources and benefits that came along with it. I've been in my new job for over a month and all those things are gone. I'm still in an adjustment period, a difficult one. I got the slow-down I was looking for and it has been tougher to deal with than I expected.

This morning though was perfect. I got up early and went out for a bike ride. I came home to lounge with Zahra, Yusuf and Nooriya in Yusuf's bed as everyone woke up. A little while later, a fully dressed Nooriya came and sat next to me for ten minutes as I did some morning reading (she preferred sitting with me to breakfast!). After getting ready for work, I came down to have breakfast at the kitchen table with Yusuf as he told me a dinosaur story. A short drive later, I'm here at my even lower stress, slower-paced job.

I got exactly what I was looking for and I'm so glad I made the change.

Favorite Thing

Every year we ask each other our favorite thing that happened in the past year. The last several have been easy for me, usually Yusuf or Nooriya. Found out that we were expecting, one of them becoming real or some milestone for one of them.

This year is different. Equally awesome (even more so), but different. I can't think of just one thing or two or three or four even. The last year has been filled with tons of moments (including dancing and screaming in the kitchen right now) that are the four of us spending time together.

I knew that I had a ton of love to give to everyone before starting this journey with Zahra, but what I didn't know to expect and what I've realized this year more than ever is how much family would mean to me. Knowing that a little more is my favorite thing this year.

(the dancing has turned into fighting...and we're back to playing together:)

Namaz time

My masala is full!

Namaz time at my house is awesome. Yusuf does namaz with me and pretty well I'd say for a 3 year old. He stands next to me, does niyaat, ruqu and sujud and even understands that we do namaz to do shukur. And in his words, "Shukur means 'Thank you'" All this while Nooriya "does namaz" too. Her idea of namaz is to do sajda and roll around pretty much everywhere I can possibly put my head down for sajda. Then we all do Ya Husein! and Ya Syeda Shohadai matam. After namaz is over we taught Yusuf and Nooriya do salaam to us, a great tradition we saw friends do with their son.

I'm pretty sure I'm at a low for focus and concentration during namaz, but it is awesome! I hope this namaz time stays with Yusuf and Nooriya for a long time (and hopefully it counts a little too!)

I need to get a california king-sized masala:)

Fish is Fish

There's a children's book out called Fish is Fish. It is a fable about a fish who is friends with a frog. The fish wonders what things are like on land and the frog explains and describes the different animals on land. All the fish can do is imagine a fish with the same description.

The frog describes a bird and the fish imagines a fish with wings.

This image moved me. I hope to keep the appreciation of my lack of perspective all the time.

Big Boy

Some huge Moula news this weekend. Like many, I imagine, I received it with mixed feelings. It took lunch today with Yusuf and Nooriya to put it in perspective for me.

"Can you feed me abba?" Yusuf said to me in his sweet persuasive voice. Usually, the response is, "you're a big boy, eat". But I just couldn't say anything other than, "sure!" I fed him happily, as he counted the number of bites, told me a semi-nonsense story as he made it up and drew a rhino upon request. Right next to us Nooriya was babbling some words, mostly nonsense and gesturing for me to feed her too. It wasn't long ago that was Yusuf, and not too long from now Yusuf won't want me to feed him.

This froze me; I couldn't stop myself from thinking of all the potential on both sides of me. Nostalgia describes how I was feeling, but nostalgia for the future not the past (I'm sure there's a word for that). And then time started to pass again. I was jolted into the present by the Yusuf and Nooriya screaming for me to appreciate what was on either side of me.

This is helping me process the news. An awesome, exciting future is ahead. There is an awesome and exciting right now to be cherished. Mubarak!

Qabrastan

Unfortunately, I've been to the cemetery too many times lately.

The qabrastan is a very cathartic experience. I stop what I'm doing and make my way to the masjid and cemetary. Interrupted from whatever I was busy doing and thinking about, I am jolted into thinking about what and who are ultimately important and realize how unimportant whatever I was busy with might be.

The burial is intense. I have never been so directly joined with anyone, but I feel profoundly connected without a deep sense of loss. I see someone I've known for a very long time barefoot and in the grave saying goodbye to one of their family.

I don't think about my own mortality, rather I think about how many times it will be me in the grave saying goodbye. I imagine what that loss will be like; I am happy to wait to know exactly.

I appreciate getting this feeling absent the deep sense of loss and I find the cemetary a great place to find focus and remind myself of some things that aren't always in my thoughts. I am reminding myself with this post to go there more under circumstances that don't suck.

Thanks

I have been struggling to figure out what I want to do with my career lately.

Recently, I've tried finding other opportunities that are out there. My career path is bright, clear and easy to see where I am; I'm not unhappy for any lack of opportunity. I'm trying to figure out if I want to make a change.

It's not quite this simple, but in my mind it's coming down to prioritizing family and career. For me I've always thought that's an easy one; family is number 1 and career is somewhere much lower on the list.

Unexpectedly, it hasn't been that simple. But then I was reading my very infrequent blog posts over the last few years. And I was reminded that it IS and ALWAYS will be that simple, family number 1 and everything else some other number. Thanks past self for writing down those thoughts and you're welcome future self when you come back to read them.

I Speak for Myself

Congratulations! I am so proud of Zahra that I can't find the words to express it. This project has so much potential and I hope it ALL gets realized.

I was very eager to get my hands on a copy of the book to see exactly the words that would be reaching hopefully many, many people. I have been reading the essays all week. I started the book in part because I am so closely connected and I expected to be engrossed and am excited as I had a good understanding of the book's purpose.

What I didn't expect was to be one of the people whose mind was opened so much. Having a Muslim American experience, I naively thought I already knew what that meant. I was surprised by realizing the diversity that existed in just these 40 women's stories.

I am very comfortable with my identity, almost complacent. The book has pushed me to grow and rethink what being both Muslim and American mean to me. It has made me be a little more thoughtful about myself both my inwardly and outwardly.

I hope that this book and its ideas reach a lot of people. It will help many, including me.

Calm

I have been learning to swim the last several months. Up until just recently I could successfully splash my way from point A to B, but it wasn't really swimming. I am happy to say that now I can swim. The biggest challenge for me was mental; I would get in the water and a very short time later I would feel desperate for air. I quickly get frantic and splash around. Things wouldn't go so well from there.

For me, learning to swimming was learning to stay composed and calm. It has been such a skill to learn and difficult too; I have come to really appreciate the feeling.

Pretty often, Nooryia get's frantic and all I have to do is pick her up and hold her close and that's enough to make her calm down. It's pretty amazing as I think about her entire body responding to me; her breathing, her heart rate, and all her muscles just relax. I am honored to be one of the few people who have this power. I feel a lot of responsibility and I know I will try to protect her forever.

Also, today is Nooriya's birthday! We all couldn't wait, especially Nooriya who woke at 1am, 2am, 3am and 330am to tell us. Happy Birthday! We made it!

Yusuf Logic

I have been unaware just how much my experiences affect my logic and reasoning. My brain fills in the blanks for so much information and guides my thinking. It has been amazing to see the way Yusuf reasons and his logic when he has little or no context.

With a picture, we've taught him that this animal is a dog. We were amazed when he saw a totally different type of dog and said, "doggie". How did he know THAT was also a dog? It wasn't until later that we realized any animal on all fours was a doggie.

It makes perfect sense. Why wouldn't they be doggies?

I observe Yusuf and his thought process and marvel at just how logical it is.

Little things and little ones

I have been re-reading some old posts and was struck by one in particular, little things. Three years ago I took stock of my life to that point and reflected on how seemingly little things could shape who I was.

Fast forward to December 2009, I can hardly believe that I have two little kids of my own and all that has happened in the last three years. Again, I am taking stock of all the "little things" I have done and thought that have shaped the person who I am and want to be. I am taking stock of the things that are different now and those that are unchanged, trying not to be distracted by what seemed important at the time.

Having kids has changed things so much for me. Not only am I constantly shaping the future Yusuf and Nooriya, but they are shaping me as well. These little ones constantly remind me of what's truly important. They have given me this lens, one that I previously had only glimpsed, to evaluate things in my life. Thanks.

Pehli Raat

Tommorow marks the beginning of Rajab, a month of fasting for me. For a while, I have been dreading the impending fast full of long, long summer days, the abscense of coffee and missed summer lunches in the city.

Today's walk to work, however, brought clarity and I thought about why I fast and why I enjoy this month so much. All the religious fulfillment aside for a moment, this month means a great deal to me. It is valuable time spent re-focusing on my priorities and becoming centered. The last few months have been filled with distractions like work, money and all the other things that seemed important at the time.

I don't know why, but I lose sight of all that I have and have been able to do. This last 7 plus months with Yusuf and Zahra alone have been full of milestones, but what I thought about this morning was potential. Seeing Yusuf and my family grow so much this year has me thinking about all the potential and all the milestones that lie ahead. I am going to spend this next month reflecting about right now and the future. I am going to spend it reflecting about all the potential I have right in front of me and before me. I am going to spend it thinking about my family and what it means to have have a balanced life.

Family Chorus

Last night Z and i sat on the couch, enjoying a worry/study/work/chore/obligation free evening watching some mind numbing TV. We sat close and in our usual spots on our familiar couch. I sat blocking out everything. I could hear and feel my heartbeat, my breathing, Z's heartbeat, Z's breating, the baby's heartbeat and the baby's hiccups rythmically pulsing in perfect harmony.

Studying

When history depends on the future, things have a tendency to become confusing - Charles McClenehan FCAS, ASA, MAAA

I'll say Chuck. Hopefully this is the last time.

Risk etc.

I'm back...
Just a couple of interesting (in the mind of the beholder?) topics of study that I've come across...

The so called St. Petersburg Paradox is an interesting problem. It is where probability and economics come together. This problem attempts to value the marginal, the additional, the extra. The value is widely thought of as utility.

Economics makes use of the word 'utility'. That word is loaded, and the interpretation can lead to different places. It is interesting to me that fundamental economics depends on this interpretation. Relating this to Aqa Moula's noorani kalemo, I attempt to very very loosely paraphrase Aqa Moula's Chelum vaas, "benefit should be taken from wealth". I'm not sure what my point is, but I'd love to hear any thoughts you have.

Another thing I came across,
Bodie, Kane, and Marcus define gambling as 'the assumption of risk for the enjoyment of risk' and they define speculation as 'the assumption of risk in spite of risk for a perceived favorable risk-return trade-off'
A fine line if you ask me. Again no real point, but I'd love to hear any thoughts.

Semantics?

Racist, Prejudice, Opinionated, Associations. Is there a difference?

I've come across this project, implicit. They set out to see what people associate with different topics, types of people, and things. You can find general information about the project here. They have gathered a ton of data and use it to make conclusions about culture and society and their influences on our sub-consciousness.

The conclusions that they draw are eye-opening and their 'data' is substantial and convincing. I haven't taken the implicit test. In part because I don't know how much credence I give to the test and in part because I am afraid of what the results might be.

Proceed at your own risk.

Fast Friends

Five and a half years post-ZP. It started as romantic as I could have imagined; across the world, unexpected, and with its own obstacles. Instant attraction (at least from me) and a certain amount of wooing. It was difficult, but easy at the same time. Falling in love was easy, and having it happen in a story book way made it so perfect.

I think back to those first few months and wonder what it was that I fell in Love with? I enjoyed the time we spent together and we connected so often and easily...but what did I LOVE? I think it was part physical attraction and part loving what I thought those parts of ZP's identity I didn't know about yet could be. That unknown was exciting.

Fast forward to today. The attraction is still most definitely there, but those unknowns aren't. And the certainty is glorious. Take away the attraction, and what's left is my best friend. The best friend I could have ever imagined, the part that is not in story books but should be.

Your best friend ZP,
Taher

Little things

I've been thinking how it's little decisions snowball and can really shape your life, who you are, and what you become. We make small decisions almost daily because of or inspite of fear. I look back on the last several years and, at least in my personal experience, can identify overcoming and succumbing to little fears that have really shaped the person I am today.

One example among many is namaz. At some point many years ago, I was afraid (at least on some level) to do namaz outside of a mumin's sanctuary. But then one day, I gathered the courage to do pray in a public place. I must admit, I was probably nervous, anxious and rushed through all the neccesary arkans only doing the bare minimum of namaz. As before, I again found myself out during namaz time and found it just a little bit easier to do namaz in public...this happened again and again. And now, I carry a compass whereever I go, do namaz without hesitation, without care of my surroundings (and I don't mean to worry you ZP). Now, it's as if I can not miss namaz.

This is one fear I could have easily succumbed to and made a habit of not praying on time or not praying at all. I ask myself if my actions or some innate religiousness are the cause or the effect...a classic what came first, the chicken or the egg case [feel free to make fun of MA, I won't erase the comments]. There have been many small paths I've taken in my youth to bring me where I am right now, and it's important to realize there are still those little things almost everyday.

PD

NERDS ONLY PLEASE!

Reading is...

FUNDAMENTAL

This weekend, I've had the wonderful company of a very bright four and a half year old. It has been amazing just observing. She seems to learn so much everyday, and everyday is a milestone, like a mini-graduation. I am sure every kid on the planet goes through this at some point in their lives, but to me, that makes it all the more amazing.

The coolest thing by far is watching her read. What age do you learn to read anyway? Words are so familiar, second nature and just done without thinking....if there are words in your field of vision you read them, just can't help it. I feel like I was born knowing how to read, I can't imagine learning to read.

Watching her sound out words, big words, is just amazing....I see a 7 letter word, and that's it. It stands alone, just a symbol etched into my memory...she sees it as the sum of all it's parts, each letter a sound and each word she figures out is an epiphany for her. A little victory. So amazing to watch...what it must feel like to have that kind of mental growth so often.

It's so crappy that you can never fully appreciate what you have.

Photos

I was watching my favorite news source, FoxNews, and sawthis piece. I watched thinking, are you serious? Could someone really spend their life researching the way people are smiling in pictures? Spend years analyzing the way eyebrows look and the crookedness of lips. ABSURD! And to what end?

To realize that if you're happy now you're more likely to be happy in the future.

I could have told you that.

Staying power

"Where are we going?"
"To the airport"
"Can I come too?"
"YES!"
"Where are you going?"
"Chicago"
"Can I come too?"
"YES!"

9 letter words

Terrorism. The operative word that is like a cloud over this country, me, and my life. I can only wonder the ways that my life would have been if not for this word. It is everywhere. After the elections, I read this poem and was moved.

I lift my voice aloud,
make Mantra of American language now,
I here declare the end of the War!
Let the States tremble,
let the Nation weep,
let Congress legislate its own delight
let the President execute his own desire--
this Act done by my own voice,
published to my own senses,
blissfully received by my own form
approved with pleasure by my sensations
manifestation of my very thought
accomplished in my own imagination
all realms within my consciousness fulfilled

Communism. Another 9 letter word. If I was born in a different time how would things have been different?

cheeky

Well it was a fun weekend at N.E.R.D, I'm officially a member. Along with the other 1,000 or so in attendance plus the Microsoft conference happening in the same hotel it may have been the highest concentration of geeks in glasses this side of the Mississippi (and yes I wore my glasses).

The conference got underway with a motivational speaker, Joey Cheeks, an olympic speed skater. After finding out who the speaker was, I was thrilled. I just couldn't wait to hear what wisdom this speed skater from North Carolina who is a couple years younger than me could impart and the motivation he would provide. Oh, plus I was just dying to hear all the great sport cliches (note the sarcasm). But I was pleasantly surprised. His thoughts very much echoed exactly what it was that I was feeling going into the week. Why do all this work? For what? His story was very different, but very much the same.

He talked about his years of training growing up and moving away from home to skate and be coached by the best. He talked about all the years spent preparing, the countless hours spent training on the ice and in the gym. All the people along the way who helped him get there. His coaches, his parents, a nutritionist, a sports pyscologist, a team of rocket scientists who designed a suit that cost $15k. All this time and effort to finally make it to the olympics and spend 30 seconds competing...all those years of preparing, a life spent focused on one thing...and only to be over in 30 seconds. In the end he was just, "a grown man in tights skating in circles." He spent all this time building up the story and then made you see that reaching his goal is not the most important thing to him.

I really felt like he was talking to me and it gave me some much needed perspective. I've spent so much time and had the support of so many people along the way; I've been working so hard I forgot to ask myself what is really important. It was good to be reminded that it is far better to be signficant than to be successful.

Finally!

After what seems like an eternity of studying a bit of recognition this weekend. This weekend is the beginning of the annual Actuarial (N.E.R.D) conference in sunny California. This will be my first conference and my induction into the society.

I have spent countless hours in what has been a blur of studying and test-aking over the last four and a half years. I have never put so much effort towards anything...and this weekend I'm getting recognized for being ALMOST done. I have been thinking, has it been worth it? Will it have been worth it to have given up a large part of my 20s to get a couple lousy letters after my name that only 5 non-actuaries worldwide will know the significance of (plus or minus 3 people).

There are so many other things I could have been doing during that time, namely spending with my family and Zahra and other things for which there is never ENOUGH time. Time I can never get back. So many other pursuits given up.

I am a firm believer in the philosophy 'use your time now doing what's important' and though I respect the 'work hard now to enjoy later' camp, I can't understand them and would not want to be one of them. But am I one of them? Why spend all this time and energy on this? I don't really know the answers to these questions and it has been bugging me...but for now, I think I will just enjoy this weekend.

Hiatus

Wow, it's been a while.

For the first time in a while my mind feels free to wander and think about things not actuarial. I love learning and that is what drives me to study, but sometimes it's like a prison, stuck to the same thoughts and no mental energy to devote to anything else.

I have this new mental freedom, the best kind of freedom and I'm taking advantage of it. This freedom feels so new; I had forgotten what it felt like. I am in awe of this feeling and am going to hold on to it.

Neither here nor there

Both personal and professional lives are full of compromise. It’s everyday. The middle-ground always seems to be moving…well, away from the middle.

I anagram, I

Twelve plus One = Eleven plus Two
12 + 1 = 11 + 2

The Spice Trade

Four centuries ago spices and tea had some role in the colonization of India. Come on, spices! When we were there, we went to Kashmir, one of the few places in the world that arguably the most valuable spice, pound for pound, saffron is grown. It can bring in anywhere from $500-$700 a POUND.

What is saffron anyway? It’s the stigma of a flower…this little strand inside bud the flower and there are only 2-4 inside each flower. So that means that 166 flowers have to be hand picked to make a gram (as heavy as a paper clip). Usually, most spices are sold by the ounce, so for those of you keeping track that is 4,700 flowers, hmm…that’s a lot of flowers, can you picture 4,700 flowers in a field, flowers in bloom. If you do the math the numbers just become mind blowing, but there are 16 ounces in a pound which make roughly 75,000 flowers!!!

Imagine 75,000 or so flowers in a field all in bloom...$500 seems like a bargain.

Culture Merchants

Wal-Mart has a laundry list of…alarming, to put it lightly, statistics. Over a quarter TRILLION dollars in sales (~4% GDP), accounts $120B trade deficit with China, roughly 20 lawsuits daily just to name a few…and trust me there are MANY MANY more. There is just no way to really grasp the influence and impact a gargantuan company like Wal-Mart can have on the economy and the country.

The hypnotic effect statistics often have, make us overlook something which may be just as alarming as the numbers that get thrown around. Media. Wal-Mart is America’s largest seller of books, magazines, music, AND dvds. Scary huh? Scary to think that “Will Wal-Mart Buy It” is an important consideration made by companies producing this media. All of it ‘censored’, as it were, by a giant corporation with its own agenda.

How many books, magazines, and movies will you never come across because Wal-Mart doesn’t deem them appropriate to carry in their stores?

just for fun?

I used to be competetive. I had this bloodlust that was just brought out in me in certain activities. And I was good...I had this confidence, this cockiness and it helped me do good in school, it helped me kick peoples' but in wrestling, and once upon a time win in tennis. And then one day a long time ago that competetiveness just disappeared. Now, I usually just play for fun, as soft as that sounds. Well, twice a year I spend a long time nerdily preparing for exams and I go in to those exams with tons of confidence and even if it doesn't show a certain amount of cockiness...actually a lot of it. Not to be confused with some elitist attitude, I am not smart, but I am prepared and I have studied and I am not modest about that. For a brief moment I really have that competetive spirit, mostly within, but I can feel it coming back. I can go into pressure situations and handle them with a certain amount of grace. I have that confidence, that was in hiding, back, and I am ready to be a person who gives direction rather than one previously so apt to take it.

Free Trade

What are your opinions on free trade? Everyone else seems to have an opinion and ‘credible’ supporting data. It can be misleading and all these ‘stats’ should be taken with a grain of salt, and unfortunately they rarely are.

Free trade is great, it leads to lower prices and ‘allows’ more efficient production which ‘puts’ more money in consumers’ pockets and they have all these stats about how the ‘net social gain’ is positive…increases in GDP, blah blah blah.

The words in quotes are deceiving. ‘Allow’, allow? Does it mean jobs are eliminated and those out of work have the privilege to be more efficient? That’s nonsense.
Lower prices means more money for consumers…this is a tricky sentence, lower prices ultimately are a result of lower, if not eliminated, wages…not lower profits, no body cuts profit to lower prices.
Net social gain…basically means those made better off will benefit by an amount more than those made worse off…it doesn’t consider WHO is made better off and the utility (the usefulness) of one more or fewer dollar.

The US has a $220 billion dollar trade defecit. Why is that bad? Think about it this way, if it takes 10 jobs to produce 100 tvs for export, that’s an extra 10 jobs, and conversely if 100 tvs are imported, that’s 10 jobs lost.

For economic wealth, for there to be winners there has to be losers.

Tankman

It never ceases to amaze me that a single person and come along and change the world.

This person inspired millions by standing up, literally. It isn't even known who this person is, but this act, this picture inspired a whole country to stand up...and continues to influence the world.

In 1989, Communist China dealt with a huge pro-Democracy demonstration in Tianamen square. Martial Law and a force of 300,000 were sent in to quell the demonstrations. After the army takes control this man, fed up, stood up to these tanks in a final act of defiance, but his story and inspiration live on.

It inspires me to believe I can stand up for what I believe in.