Last Day

Very recently I heard someone sharing their story about a sibling with an addiction.  She had lots of emotions.  Anger, resentment, frustration, and worry were just a few.  She acted and behaved from these emotions.  Then her brother died.  She had only one feeling...regret.  She implored the audience not to act the way she did.  She referred to her last interaction with her brother as the last day.

I'm having a last day of sorts.  Nothing so dramatic as what she had.  Today, we take Yusuf to college.  I have lots of emotions.  Happiness and excitement for sure. I'm excited for him.  He's going to have so much fun!  He's going to learn new things and do new things.  This is what we wanted from the day we knew about him.

 But also extreme sadness.  

It's hard.  Things are changing.  Change is hard.  This is the end of something.  There is a next.

When I'm feeling sad, I want to come back and read this.  I want to remind myself of all the great things in store.  Even if I can't see them.  There's so much beauty in the things that come and understanding they will be beautiful.

Taher, the next is great even if you don't feel like it is right now.

Worry

Worry is a natural cognitive process. It isn’t an emotion or a feeling, and it doesn’t belong in the same category as them.

Worry shows up easily and often, but it’s not an emotion or feeling to push down or ignore. In most cases, the amount we worry is proportional to the number of responsibilities, relationships, and moving parts in our lives. And as we get older, those moving parts tend to increase, so worry increases too.

But I don't think worry itself has never changed an outcome. The things we fear will happen often do happen. A child will bump their head. A test won’t go the way we hoped. A tryout won’t pan out. A promotion won’t come. Someone will get sick. Our bodies will decline. Someone we love will pass away. All of this is naseeb. The trying matters, but it is written, destined, part of the plan.

Moula has reminded us again and again: thamakun si. The difficult things will come, but it will still be okay. There is a plan and that plan has no mistakes. We can try to relax. The plan is perfect.

We spend so much time and energy worrying. It’s unrealistic, maybe even impossible, to eliminate worry entirely. Trying to never worry at all is neither practical nor meaningful.

There’s another layer to Moula’s wisdom reminding us to do things thamakun si. When we’re absorbed in worrying about the future — what might happen, what might not — we lose the ability to be present. Worry pulls us out of the moment.

Taher, worrying is human.  You can't avoid it.  Just try to worry less.

Yesterday

This song is a work of art and it’s inspired me before. I even wrote about it before. I wanted to remind myself that today would soon be yesterday. 

I’m on my way home and had the chance to watch the movie built around this song. It’s a good movie and it hit differently this time. 

After waaz and all the nazr we got this past couple weeks, this movie had a different dimension. 

The movie basically is about how a person gets famous writing and singing all the Beatles songs. The whole movie is the journey of him getting all the things he thought he wanted. 

At the end, he has an interaction with Jon Lennon talking about being happy and being happy is the definition of success. The main character finally seems to get it. 

Afterwards, they show a montage of all his happy moments. None of them are the things he previously thought of as success. These are the moments that by and large have no audience. 

Taher, do the things that will make you proud and happy when no one is watching.  That is a key to success. The no one watching is important.

Nazr

I’ve written about this before. This thing I have is very frustrating and very very annoying. I need a bunch more assistance than I used to. I realized there was a hugely positive side to this. I even referred to it as my superpower. 

It stinks and I’d prefer not to have everyone around me to have to deal with it. 

A few years in a row I’ve gotten Moula’s nazr because of it though. It’s all I want. Moula now associates me with this. He even touches my head every time. Because of this thing I even got to go back to Moula TUS for a long time. 

He associates my family with me. I have thought I would gladly bear this so that my family didn’t need to. Now I’m realizing that this thing that I thought sucks and I thought I bear for no reason I get to carry to get my family the biggest reward I could possibly get for them. 

Taher, it might seem terrible for a while, but have faith it’ll be something else. 

Notebook

The waaz today talked about timing essentially. Yusuf and Nooriya have told me both separately that I could say whatever at a different time. My timing is getting better, but my teenagers will probably never think it’s good😅

The waaz had a riwayat about a dad giving sihkamen to his kid. Naturally, I thought of me. He didn’t give the sikhamen in front of people. Instead he wrote it in a notebook for his kid to read later. His timing was better than mine 😁

Yusuf and Nooriya, I’ve said before that this blog is for you both and Zahra. This blog is my notebook. My timing is better, but it’s not the best. 

Niyyat is most important. Timing is a close second though. The same things I want to remember are the same things I want to tell you. My timing will never be good enough. But that’s the beauty of the “notebook”. It’s perfect timing at some point. 

Taher, have better timing. 

Niyyat

It’s not possible to meet our niyyat often, but there seems to be a lot of good in the trying. The waaz made clear how important niyyat is. 

“

 نِيةُ المُؤمِنِ ابلغُ مِن عَملِه
“A Mumin’s niyyat (intention) is farther reaching than his conduct.”

”

Our intentions give us something to aspire to. We won’t be perfect. We weren’t meant to be. I think that’s it though. When we inevitably aren’t perfect that’s a chance to grow.

Other people’s niyyat is almost never bad. They will at times be annoying. They will at times be irritating. They’ll almost never do it on purpose. 

Taher, smile and remind people of your niyyat. 

Character

I knew the first waaz would be awesome. I learned something that will shift my behavior even before the waaz started. It was repeating behavior for people visiting London. When I first read rules like cross at the cross walk, mind personal space, and let people off the train before you get on, I thought this isn’t for me.

Before the waaz started, some repeated some manners that I was just more ready to internalize. They said if you see someone in need help them. If you see an old person make space. It doesn’t matter if they’re mumin or not. Moula taught you ikhlass or manners. We represent each other. It matters how we behave.

Whoever had the microphone proceeded to say eh logo ne dua kaam lagse. Their dua will benefit us someday and somehow. Moula is also saying behaving well is for us. 

Moula told us in his first bayan to feed the person if they’re wearing fancy clothes or if they’re wearing plain clothes. It doesn’t matter. You never know. There are so many layers to his bayan. One I think is just do the good thing. 

Taher, have the best character you can. It benefits you. 

Decision

I feel good about the decisions I made today. There was a fair amount of FOMO and I really wanted to take advantage of being with all this family today. 

They were all three tough decisions. First was to stay in bed. Getting up early is so natural to me and I knew that breakfast would be so nice. Breakfast with everyone is one of my favorite things about Ashara. Second, was to not go out with everyone in the afternoon. I knew it would be fun. Third was to not go to dinner.  It was already late when it started. 

These each were difficult decisions to make. Put them back-to-back on the same day and it was incredibly difficult. 

The why is so important. Tomorrow is a big day. Waaz starts tomorrow. In each case, it was do the natural and/or fun thing. The consequence is that I would be possibly less attentive in the waaz. Each decision felt like an imtehan. I feel good about how I fared. When framed that way, it was so much easier to make what I know was the right decision for me. 

Taher, frame the situation so that it makes it easier to make the right decision. You often can’t see the reward and it usually comes later. 

Show up

Mom used to tell Zahra to notice the people who were there and not notice the people who weren't.  Zahra shared this wisdom with the kids and me.

Sometimes people will do what they "should" and sometimes they won't.  It'll be disappointing when they don't.  They will always do what they're supposed to do though.

Just as often, perhaps, people will pleasantly surprise you.  It's up to us to notice I guess.  To notice who is there rather than who isn't.

It's such simple and wise sikhaman.  It can be distilled down to see the good and ignore the bad.

Taher, show up and notice who is there.

Cup

There's a great story I want to remember to understand about the importance of being open-minded.  It's a good reminder that learning is forever.

A man seeks guidance, but he just talks and talks.  He explains his question and the context and doesn't stop talking.  The man he seeks guidance from doesn't get irritated.  Instead he makes them tea and fills the other man's cup.  He fills it to the top and then keeps on pouring.  The tea spills.

The man finally stops talking and exclaims about the tea.

The tea is just a demonstration.  The other man explains that your proverbial cup is full.  You need to empty it to allow other stuff to come in.

Your brain is not like your heart I think.  It doesn't just magically grow the way our hearts seem to in order to let more stuff in.  In order to grow, it's necessary to be open.

Taher, remember to make room in your "cup".

Shoes

In a bayan, Moula was making a point.  He was saying be yourself.  Whatever the situation be proud.  Then, as he always seems to, he shared more wisdom with us.  He asked why not take your shoes off in a restaurant. 

He wasn't telling us to take our shoes off.  It wasn't a Farman.  He was simply asking why not do that.

I don't think of myself as smart.  I'm smart enough to listen to Moula even when I don't understand though.  I stopped wearing shoes when I ate from that day.  

That was years ago.  Today I just understood a fraction of the wisdom he shared.  It was something he didn't say in his bayan or at least I didn't catch it.  It was something I learned only by experiencing.  

I was driving and thirsty. My water was within reach. But I had my shoes on. I wanted to have the water, but it didn’t feel right. I wanted to multitask. 

It dawned on me, part of the wisdom of taking your shoes off is just doing the thing. Don’t multitask. I later got seated and I had the water. It was that much better. 

Taher, take your “shoes” off. JUST do the thing. 

Haircut

Yesterday, Yusuf went for a haircut like he's done many times before.  His usual didn't work out so he went to a new place.  He got there and saw the sign that read "cash only".  He didn't have any.  He told the barber I live nearby and I'll be back in ten minutes with some cash.  They said no, no you're here and just get it afterwards.  

They didn't have any of his info.  They just trusted him.

He was pleasantly surprised and agreed.  Mid-haircut another patron said, "don't worry about it kid".  He paid for Yusuf.  He left a nice tip and left.  The man left no info.  Yusuf didn't have a chance then or a way later to even say thank you.

Yusuf was astounded by these couple events.  He was so excited that he called on the way home to tell us.  And he repeated this story two times in the next hour.  

The first person trusted him and the second person did something nice with not so much as a "thank you" in return.  They did small things and they made someone feel so good.  The first was just good business and the barber was rewarded immediately with a nice tip and now gained a repeat customer.  The second person did something small and probably made two people really happy.  

The cool thing is the man who paid also felt good.  It's quite established in science and medicine.  It's called the helper's high.  He most likely made three people happy.  No doubt it'll get paid forward.

Taher, you don't have to go around paying for peoples' haircuts. But look for those opportunities to be like these two people.  They have no idea how happy and excited they made Yusuf.  It was good business and a good way to treat people.  They made themselves happier in the process too. 

Character

So much of my actuarial training and experience have been about looking at past events. It was frequently in the flavor of the past indicates the future.

This is true sometimes. It’s more true in some situations and less true in others. This line of thinking can be expanded and generalized to fit most everything. 

It doesn’t consider luck though.

The corollary thinking follows that where someone is will indicate where they will be. This doesn’t consider luck either. 

A better predictor is character or adab or ikhlas. This 100% correlates with success. The thing is we just can’t see or understand how it correlates to success, but it does.  And “luck” doesn’t play a part. 

Taher, always choose adab. 

Raft

I heard this Buddhist parable and thought it was worth writing down.

A man has to cross a jungle.   He comes across a river.  There is no bridge.  The river is to deep to walk through.  The river is not safe to swim across. He spends time to build a raft.  He crosses the river and continues to cross the jungle.  This time, he carries the raft.  It gets in his way constantly and prevents him from crossing the rest of the jungle.  He realizes he needs to put the raft down.

It immediately made me think about parenting.  Yusuf and Nooriya have changed so much these past few years and inshallah they will continue to.  That's what they're supposed to do.  I have pictures of them as toddlers and little kids covering my office.  I look at them all the time.  It makes me happy, but they aren't those people anymore.  I'll be a better parent to remember that.  I'm in a different stage of parenting now.

I've spent so much time building a "raft".  This story applies to so much in life.  It applies to parenting, work, family situations, ability to use my body, and even friendships.  

Taher, sometimes you need to put the "raft" down.  What got you here may not be what gets you there.

Elevation

When a big change happens to us it creates a lasting change within us. Big changes are going to happen.  I've had a few.  Some expected and some not.  They were big though and not all good.  I guess the lasting change is optional.  Big change is an opportunity.

It's an opportunity to make a change that inspires others.  There's actually a phrase for it and there's been some research.  It's called moral beauty or moral elevation. People see whatever positive they see and are inspired.  It's a lesson to consume the positive and perhaps less consumption of the negative.  We're told to avoid back-biting.  This, I think, is part of why.

Doing inspiring stuff is also a form of ibadaat.  When people see moral beauty the experience of awe and beauty is heightened both for the doer and the seer.

Taher, it doesn't have to be big to inspire.  Pay it forward.   Taher, do the small things and the big things.  This is how you pay it forward.

Choices

I'd heard an interview this week and the guest put something into words that I'd thought about, but never been able to put into words so eloquently.  He described his experience in lockdown as being "trapped with his choices".

Everyone experienced lockdown.  For me and many I imagine, it was like groundhog day.  There was no escape.  There was no 'break'.  COVID was objectively awful for a lot of people.  I wasn't one of them.  I was lucky or whatever the right word is.  I had a lot of time to think just like everyone else.  Among other things, I thought about priorities and why I wasn't miserable.  So many people seemed to be.  I remember writing about liking my roommates a month in.

I liked the choices I had made.  I wasn't deliberate in my choices necessarily, but I was trapped with so many of them.  Those choices stemmed from priorities I decided along time ago and priorities I refined over the years.  The choices weren't conscious, but I frequently looked at my priorities.

The world opened and things went back to some kind of normal.  I guess it was easy to fall into old patterns.  I don't think I did though.  I didn't realize it.  I am on a path.  It's subconscious, but I don't think that experience of being trapped with my choices ever left me.

Taher, make choices you'll be proud of later.  Taher, remember your priorities.

Puddle

Duniya sucks.  That's not new.  Crappy things are bound to happen.

Yusuf and Nooriya are inspiring this post.  They both had less than ideal sports experiences.  Their reactions were great though.  They both reacted in ways that demonstrated a lot of leadership and in different ways.  They set a good example.  I learned something.

This is of course broader than their sport thing.  The responses were both growth to be better and to see the less than ideal as a bump rather than the whole thing.  They were passionate too.

Another way to articulate this is their perspective was a bit broader.  They didn't seem to just observe the particular low as the only thing.  Rather they seemed to see it as part of the journey.

It makes me think of a puddle.  A puddle is often pretty boring, gross, and something to be avoided.  There's often something there.  A reflection or a plant or a tree that will spring from it.  Something better comes.  It's hard to see. It's there.  There's beauty there and everywhere.  And not just on vacation.  I still remember noticing the flowers in the gutter in Bangkok and people just walking by.  It takes practice to see.  It takes eyes that have been developed to see the beauty in a puddle.

Taher, train your eyes to see.

Tomorrow

We were doing some planning and trying to be prepared about something so practical when dad said, “we’ll worry about tomorrow tomorrow”. It wasn’t some big philosophical statement he was making. It was just his attitude. Wisdom is an attitude. It is his earned way of moving through the world. 

Dad happened to be wearing his Wisconsin hat at the time. It’s just a “W”. I realized then it stands for wise when he wears it. It’s not a hat you can buy at the store. It has to be earned. 

I can see and hear so much more clearly when I’m not at home. If more routine stuff had been going on I would have missed this. There’s so much to learn all around. 

Taher, you don’t need to be away from home. Just listen closely and earn it. 

Miracle

It is a choice to see everything as a miracle.  It's not hard to get there.  Think of anything; it's a miracle.  Literally everything is a miracle.

This passage from my math book many years ago that caught my eye I think articulates this thought process well.  I got a "random hug" that day I still remember.  

---
A person walks past a wall with seemingly random holes in the wall and thinks nothing of it.  Another person comes by and draws a target around each hole with each hole as a perfect bulls-eye and then marvels at the wall.
---

It's about randomness and perspective.  The perspective is something we choose.  We can choose awe.  I've recently thought about this choice as a muscle.  The more it gets exercised the stronger it gets.  And in turn the easier it gets to use.

We've heard the shahadat many times.  There is one part I focused on the other day.  Moula sits near the end without worry.  He trusts 100%.  Nothing is random.  This is the ultimate example.  The more that muscle gets exercised the closer we get to thinking nothing is random and trusting 100%.  We get closer every single time we hear the shahadat. 

Taher, how much closer is up to you.

Qablas Sawal

We do this dua to break our rozu every day in Ramadan.  It's probably automatic for most and I think we rarely listen.  There is one part I want to hear and think about every time.  In the dua towards the end and when the rozu is almost over we hear "Qablas Sawal".

Literally, this means before asking.

Like all of the stuff Moula does, there's a lot of meaning here.

What's in our naseeb or what's been fated we didn't ask for.  It was just given to us.  We may do stuff that can affect our naseeb, but every person's naseeb is their naseeb.  We didn't ask.   All that happiness, all that circumstance, all that opportunity, all that health, everything.  It was just given to us.  It's foolish to think we earned or deserve any of it.  It's not even because we prayed for it.  Not in a way we can understand anyway.

There's a much bigger conclusion.  We were born into this situation and given this opportunity to be in the right place at the right time.  Without asking.

Taher, remember the bigger picture and think about "Qablas Sawal" every time you hear it.