Easy

Zahra and I had the chance to go be counselors at the taaruf this weekend.  It was wonderful.  The moalim there was the EMCEE for one of the games.  He was very charismatic and cool.  He connected with the kids in a way that made Zahra and I both notice.  We talked about how we both noticed.  Yusuf and Nooriya had wonderful moalims who loved the kids and connected with the kids in different ways.  This moalim was once a kid just like them and was able to really lean into that.

Later, we found him and told him how impressed we were.

In that conversation, Zahra very sweetly complimented me and said about some deen stuff, "...he makes it look easy."  I wasn't trying to be modest or anything like that.  My reaction was to say something like no I don't.  The moalim said to us both, "someone has to make it look easy, it's a good thing."

This interaction stuck with me.  Why did it though?  I thought about my reaction more later.  I wasn't saying I don't, because it doesn't feel easy.  It isn't.  Whatever it is -rozu, namaz, doing what Moula says sometimes without understanding.  It's not easy.  

Other people see.   Yusuf and Nooriya see.  It gives others the strength/courage/permission/whatever to do it too.  This guy at Dunkin made it look easy.

Taher, make it look easy.

Coach

I was watching a part of a movie with Yusuf.  It was about a coach and his team of underdogs.  It was very cliche and predictable.  There was a scene where the team was at a cross roads and a student gets up and recites a poem.  It is supposed to be inspirational.  It made sense, but it was very cheesy.  It was kind of lazy by the screenwriter actually.

The poem was really good though.  I even asked Yusuf to rewind so I could listen again.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

....

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won’t feel insecure around you.

....

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.”

The coach didn't say anything.  He JUST listened.  I thought about it more after.  This was a pretty awesome response.  

When we share our thoughts or opinions or comments we make an assumption.  We assume that whoever else wants to hear that.  I'm not saying that's good or bad.  It's more clear when the opinion is advice.  Unless asked, the assumption is that they want advice.  That can be unwelcome.

The just listening response is often the best response.

Taher, be the coach and just listen more.

Bears Game

Today I had the chance to take Yusuf to his first game. It was wonderful and also the game was great. The Bears won👍

I think it may be the beginning of a new tradition. That’s not what I want to write about though. We will both remember this game day just fine. 

I did namaz at soldier field. There were a ton of people. I found a place with relatively fewer people. I’ve learned not to care much. Still lots of people, but no big deal. I’ve done this now many times before. 

Most of them had pregamed a fair amount. It felt safe, but a bit different than the other times. 

As I was doing Asar, a guy yelled at me. He yelled a second time. He was feet away and probably had a beer in his hand. I didn’t flinch. I didn’t even see him. 

I felt proud all day. This A hole didn’t stop me. He hardly affected me. I didn’t let him deter me from doing the right thing. I didn’t even see him. 

But I heard him. I thought all day about him. Tonight, I realized that I shouldn’t feel proud. I feel silly in fact. I heard him clearly and he did distract me even if I didn’t look. 

I can see myself reading this later and thinking, “this is pretty good”.  So?

Taher, pretty good can be better. 

Next

It is early November and it was time for me to clean out the garden and get it ready for the spring. I pulled out the growth and mowed it up. It was sad. I knew I was doing the right thing, but I also felt like I was destroying this thing that I had nurtured for so much time over months. I’ve come to love gardening. 

I’m excited for next year and what’s to come. I learned so much this year and am excited to do a better job next time. I'm excited to share more next time.

There’s so much more and better to do and to come. 

I love gardening. It teaches me so much. 

Taher, there’s more to come. There will be a next. 

Mason

There's a good story about service mindset that I want to reread.  The story came up in a work context, but it applies much more broadly.

The story is about three masons who do exactly the same job.  Their mindsets are clearly different though.

Each mason was asked what it is they do.

The first said simply that they laid brick.  The second said that they laid brick to build a wall.  The third said that they laid brick to build a wall around the most beautiful cathedral.  

Clearly, the third mason has the best mindset.  It's not only that he does his work with a higher purpose.  He has the most service mindset.  He's doing his work in service of something bigger and he sees the work itself as service.  This khidmat mindset is what gives the work purpose.

Taher, have a khidmat mindset and be the third mason.

Model

This post is for me and Yusuf and Nooriya when they one day become parents inshallah.

This is a reminder that kids and babies won't "read the book".  People will give you advice on parenting.  People seem to love doing that.  There are plenty of books to teach parenting and influencers and no shortage of people telling you their often unsolicited tips.  It's sometimes annoying.  People are supposed to be annoying sometimes.  Remember, the kids are not the same as theirs or those kids in the books.  They may not respond the way "the book" says they should.  

It's more than just kids.  It's all people.  They will not respond the way they should or the way you expect sometimes.

That's ok.

Back to kids...they will be kids.  And they will always observe your example.  For good and bad, they will see and it will leave an impression.  There's a lot that you'll not be able to control.  More and more I'm learning.  I expect I'll learn more.  I hope I will.  All signs point to understanding that less stuff is in our control.  The thing you can control is your example.

It's ok to have emotions.  It's not ok to act out of them.  Especially anger.  Being angry is fine, but acting out of anger is never ok.  Moula has told us many times gusso ne maro.  This is as wise as it is simple.  Not easy though.  Moula wouldn't repeat it if it was.  Gusso ne maro is not a command to never get angry, rather it's loving advice to take a beat and not be controlled by it.

Taher, the kids aren't young anymore, but they're still watching.  Do the thing.

Discomfort

A while back I started taking cold showers sometimes.  It was very uncomfortable.  I wasn't trying to punish myself or anything.  I thought there might be some health benefits that might come at some point.  It stopped being so uncomfortable.  It became a chance to sit in discomfort and I looked forward to it.  Sorta.  It never became comfortable, but it did help me hone my ability to stay calm under stress.  It was hard and then it wasn't that hard.

I want to remember this.  

I've dealt with work stress for years.  I've written about work stress many times.  The same stress that I'm sure everyone feels.  Rationally I know, and my guess is so do most people, that it will pass and work is not something as high on the priority list as so many other things.  It's easy to "know" this, but it's so hard to remember this in the moment.  It's not easy to not get stressed out sometimes.  Still, I keep reminding myself to keep my priorities in order.

The other day, as so many days, work stresses came.  This time was different.  It was like I had a shield and the stress was blocked.  I didn't need to "remember".  It was just my reaction.

The way to this reaction was discomfort.  Just like the cold shower.  Discomfort for discomfort's sake.  It expands the comfort zone.

My point is that stuff is hard, but then it's not.  Let this guy remind me to do it anyway.  Taher, it's hard and do not only despite it being hard, but also sometimes because it's hard.