Trust

This is post mostly advice for me to read later. 

What do you see when you look at people?Don’t be surprised. They are exactly who they are supposed to be. Trust that they are. Trust them. Give it away just like love. 

Trust people. Sometimes they might not come through and you will get burned. They aren’t supposed to always come through. That’s why trust is so hard. 

The alternative is don’t trust or trust slowly even. You will still get burned. You won’t realize it though. People would come through and you won’t know. It’s lonely. 

Taher, trust people.  People do what they’re supposed to. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. 

Blame

So much good or bad happens in our lives. Some clearly good. Some clearly bad. And much that’s a matter of perspective. That’s the part that makes life one or the other. 

It can be tempting to blame someone else or even something else for stuff and the result is it’s bad. The same is true of the good. Blame may not be the right word for that. 

Blame is the wrong view. No one is to blame. They were just doing what they were supposed to do. Expecting something else is foolish. Why blame the water for being wet?

Taher, don’t look for blame. It’s foolish. 

Consequence

Rewards aren't usually linear.  They aren't something to strive for either.  They are more of a consequence.  Good deeds have a consequence.  The reward may or may not come as you comprehend.  If  you help a person or feed someone they may not reciprocate.  That doesn't mean it won't come back to you and yours in some way.

It's a bit silly to think there's a reward.  Humans were made in large part to help each other.  The eye is made to see, but we don't expect a reward when it does.  The legs were made to walk.  We don't expect a reward when they bring us from one place to another.  

Taher, there is a consequence to helping and giving.  You may not be able to understand what it is.

Proud

The other day we went out together.  I was driving. Yusuf got out before me and he’s faster than me. I was ~10 seconds behind. I saw a woman being dropped off at the door.  She seemed to have some sort of health issue that required her to be dropped off.  I rushed to hold the door for her.  About 2 seconds in, I realized Yusuf noticed and waited by the door for a good 5 seconds.  He waited for her and held the door.  It was a small act, but it made me so proud.

Nooriya started high school.  She also just got her misaq.  Of her own accord she decided to begin wearing rida full time as soon as she got her misaq.  It's hard being a teenager period.  It's hard being in a new school.  It's hard being a teenage girl.  It's hard being different, especially at 14.  There was nothing easy about this.  It's hard at any age to make this decision.  She wears it with such confidence.  I'm in awe.  I'm sure that there are difficult days and I'm sure that it's tough.  It is a large act and it makes me so proud.

Yusuf and Nooriya do things big and small all the time that make me so proud.  They are their own people and they deserve credit for the things they do and don't do.  That's what makes me so proud.  They did/do it and deserve it.  I also am proud that they're connected to me.  I know I don't deserve credit and I don't want it, but I realize that I shouldn't get zero credit either.  They are watching and they've been watching.

Taher, don't forget that the kids are still watching good or bad.

Shade

This week Michelle Obama spoke.  It was inspirational.  I watched it twice.  There were parts that were political and relevant right now.  That wasn't the inspiring part.

She spoke about her mom and the generations that came before.  It was personal and emotional.  The inspiring part that I want to remember and remind myself is that she spoke about families and generations and the perspective of a longer sense of time.  What was inspiring to me was that payoff will come eventually.  It is not a steady and linear path.  It might be a bumpy road and not a straight line to get to the payoff.  Be confident that the payoff will come.  I just may not be around to see it.

It was never mentioned in the speech, but it reminded me of the proverb to, "...plant trees in whose shade you shall never sit in".  

Taher, you are enjoying the shade others are responsible for. 

Taher, plant trees.  Taher, if doing it is good for Zahra, Yusuf, or Nooriya do it and let them and the next generation enjoy the shade.

Sitting in the back

I don't get to experience many firsts anymore.  Most of my firsts over the past 16+ years have been vicarious firsts that I got to observe.  I got to be part of Yusuf's and Nooriya's firsts.  I had my own milestone yesterday.  It was the first time I sat in the back of the car with Zahra and the kids sat in front.

I've been in the passenger seat when Yusuf is driving.  It's somehow easier to let go in the passenger seat.  It's like I'm still part of the driving.  My counsel on driving is received well mostly and I'm still teaching.  It's somehow easier to be more measured and not say stuff.  Sitting in the back was different.  It was hard not to say anything.  I could see myself "helping" and at the same time in my mind I knew that was not the right and needed thing.

I thought there's a bigger lesson here.  It's just as important to not be in the "passenger seat" as it is to not be in the "driver's seat" sometimes.  It's helpful for the other person to grow and learn.  It's hard, but sit in the back and enjoy the ride.

Taher, the view is changing.  Get comfortable sitting in the back.

Share

This past week I gave my coworkers a presentation about being Bohra and talked about my topi. It was very 101. It was good for me to try to articulate the basics. It was important to articulate it well to the audience and maybe just as important to put some things into words for myself. It’s easy to forget the “why” after doing something for so long. It just becomes routine. Articulating the “why” makes it fresh. 

I know Bohra 101 better than I know almost everything. However, I was more nervous doing this than anything I’ve done in a long time. I saw the downside very clearly. If I mess this up people could really take a skewed view of what’s so important to me and I felt like I had this one chance to get it right. It went great. I even recorded it and love that I can share it further. The nervousness translated and was obvious, but it came across as vulnerable and genuine. 

It was so well received and I got a lot of positive feedback. I felt really good afterwards. It felt so good to share. I was afraid people wouldn’t care. I was wrong. 

Taher, find the opportunity to share when the time is right. It feels really good and people do care. 

Ziyafat

I was able to do a ziyafat this year. I went for tahkmeen and the amount I was hoping for was not nearly enough. I saw that it was a higher number, hesitated for a moment, and then said “me kay na kay karees”.  Basically, I thought and said I’ll figure it out.  

I was able to secure one additional pass. I thought about who to give it to and immediately I thought of my khaka’s son. His dad did a lot for my dad and my cousin in turn holds my parents in high regard very much as a result. I also thought how I want my kids to benefit from this as much as possible. 

It dawned on me that me wanting to give this to my cousin was a result of his dad doing stuff. In this very pay it forward kind of way my cousin was receiving something years after my khaka passed away and likely because of my khaka. 

Taher, don’t hesitate. Give it and figure it out. Yusuf and Nooriya will benefit years later in many ways you can’t even think of. 

Helper

Helping is not zero sum and it is not reciprocal.  It is not a good mindset to help because that person helped me so I should help them or I'll help when I'm all set and able.  Helping doesn't work like that.  Just like you should be happy for someone else because they got something even if you wanted it.  Helping is the same way.  Helping isn't if they get something then I won't.  It's not zero sum.  In fact, I believe it is additive.  Help and nobody has less.  We all win.

There was a cool psychology study I learned about recently.  People were given some money.  Some were asked to buy something for themselves and other asked to give the money away.  The study concluded that the people who gave the money away were noticeably happier.  WOW!  The cool thing about this study is some people were given alot and some a little.  Those that gave away alot were not noticeably happier than those that gave away less.  It didn't matter how much you helped.  Helping any amount translated to happiness.

I recently had the chance to help some friends with some visa stuff.  It was some time, but it was much easier for me to do.  I was able to help and it felt so good.  My friends were appreciative sure, but that had little to do with how I felt.

Taher, remember how it feels to help.  Taher, you will get more than you give.  Give generously.

Environment

Context, I've learned, is a large part of communication.  The context affects so much of the listening and the talking.  The ability to listen well depends on your context.  If I have to go to the bathroom, I won't be a good listener.  I just won't.  Among other things I'll just be distracted.  Even if it's socially awkward or odd to stop a conversation it's worth it, because it's easy to tell if someone isn't listening.

Taher, do what you need.  Interrupt the conversation if you have to.  It will always be the better thing to do.

Context is just as important when doing the talking.  People are often stressed for different reasons.  Even mild stress can affect your communication all the while having nothing to do with the other person.  An easy example to understand is talking on the phone while in traffic.  No one likes traffic.  It's mildly stressful and can be very annoying when some other driver drives poorly or is inconsiderate.  This will 100% affect the way you speak on the phone.  The traffic has nothing to do with the other person, but they may get an annoyed and quickly irritated phone conversation.

Taher, mind your environment.

Response Science

The ability to control my actions has always been a focus of mine.  Whether in sports as a kid or in my older age in conversations.  Intuitively, I know that reaction is instinctual and that it comes first and response comes later.  I confirmed that thought with this cool model of the brain I learned about recently.

Basically, a thing happens and our brain processes that thing.  The thing goes through our brain first in the parts we have little control of and eventually to the thinking part.  All people are like this.  It's fascinating.

Taher, take your time.  It takes time to get to the thinking part.  Respond, don't react. 

Taher, be patient.  It takes time for others to get to the thinking part.  That's how their brain works.

Get to

This post is about lists.  We love lists at our house.  They help us remember even the small stuff, free up mental space once they get written down, and it is soooooo satisfying to mark something as complete or cross it off the list.

Although they are very helpful, they can be very detrimental.  They can be easily seen as to-do lists.  They're not.  They're get-to-do lists.  It's easy to forget the 'get'.  It's very important not to.  I do the dishes most nights.  I put that on my list.  They are there waiting for me most nights.  I do them.  On the nights they are on my to-do list and I forget the 'get', it's a chore and I can't wait to be done.  On the nights they are on my get-to-do list, doing the dishes is so pleasant.  I think much of the time that these dishes got dirty in the first place because we had food and we'll probably use them again tomorrow and I'll probably get to do this again tomorrow night.

This attitude shift applies to so much in our everyday.  It makes chores I have to do into pleasant things I get to do.  I don't want to confuse this shift with some annoying always look on the bright side attitude.  It's not that.  It's often a small shift and it grows over time.  It takes effort to shift attitude, but it's possible.

Taher, remember you get to.

Trail

I heard this beautiful analogy. Two people walked together on this trail and different people were on the trail walking with them throughout. I imagine the trail had views and bumps along the way. Gardens and trees grew alongside as the travelers walked and tended to them. The most beautiful and perhaps sad part was that the grass grew tall behind them as they went on. There was no trail behind them. 

Taher, tend to the garden and the trees in front of you. 

Saving

Saving "it" is pretty common refrain.  I think the "it" can refer to many different things.  It can refer to a few major themes like money, effort, or grace.  It also has a lot of different contexts within those themes that it can apply to.  In general, saving money seems like a good thing.  It generally seems like a good way to live.  That saving mentality can be pervasive though.  It can easily creep into to other aspects of life like effort or even grace.

I'm older now than I once was.  That tends to happen.  My view on saving has changed.  Earlier on in my life, I would try to save every penny.  Saving money is good if you have a plan.

Maybe I'm wiser now.  Probably not just a bit older.  My perspective has changed.  My understanding of how tenuous plans can be has gotten deeper.  Maybe the better way to live is not to save.  I don't think it's smart to be irresponsible.  Why save it though?  That's a good question.  Use it.

Hopefully, not saving will creep into other aspects of life like effort and grace.  That now seems like a better way to live.

Taher, ask yourself, "what are you saving it for?"

Ripple

Not a difficult concept, but this is a beautiful analogy.  The actions we take don't end when our actions end.  They carry on.   The people around us react and respond to whatever we do.  Their actions are influenced by ours and it goes on and on.  The analogy of a rock or a raindrop hitting still water creating a ripple is so apt.  The ripple is more pronounced closer and gets weaker the further out.

This analogy works when it's raining.  There's lots of ripples.  The original ripple interacts with other ones.  The analogy is beautiful.  We have the opportunity to make lots of ripples and they just carry on.

Taher, your actions go on.  Make the ripples overwhelmingly positive.

Final

I've watched this video many times.  It's Tony Hawk doing a skateboarding trick that's really hard.  He's easily the best known skater.  I don't know much about skating, but his is the only name in that whole realm of sport that I know.  He's been leading the sport for a really long time and he's 52 in this video I connect so much with.  He's doing an Ollie for the last time.  

It's inspirational and happy and sad all at the same time.  He fails and fails and fails and keeps trying.  He finally does it.  He's super happy that he did it and also sad and emotional.  He knows it's the last time he'll ever do it.  It's over.  He still remembers it and probably always will.  He's just in a different part of his life.

I find this so hopeful.  There is a next...

Taher, you probably won't have it on video and you probably won't know it's the last time.  Enjoy it for what it is and know that there's the next thing to be and do.  It may be greater than you think.

Happy

World Happiness Day was this past week.  I think it's cool that's a thing.  It's pretty remarkable to think about.  The entire world has a day to reflect on happiness and primarily their own happiness.  At first, I thought that's kind of self-centered.  As I learned more that's just not true.  Or at least it's not strictly true.  

I learned there is some research out there showing that happier people are more likely to do things to help other people.  This gave me a whole new perspective about shukr and another reason why it's good to have.  I used to think that the goal was to be happy and that shukr was how to get there.  It still is; that's right.  I was a bit conflicted about the goal of being happy.  That's not the end.  Being happy makes space to do things for others which in turn make us happier.  It's a wonderful circle; not a line.

Taher, be happy.  It's good for others.

Job

Everybody has a job.  People have a different job at different times.  That other person's job may be to be difficult.  That guy in the cars job may be to drive poorly.  The parent's job is to calmly deal with their angry kid.  Everyone has a job.  They might be different jobs at different times and for different reasons.  There's no need to be influenced and act differently because the people around you are doing this or that.  The people around you may make it easier or more difficult to do your job.  No need to sweat what they do or don't do; they are just doing their job.  Your job is to be a good human.

Taher, do your job.

Hard

We've heard good things come to those who wait.  It feels correct.  I've thought about that recently.  Doing good things are hard and often hard to do and they take time.  Sometimes it's hard to have Sabr, but it's it's really good to.  It's hard to do hifz, but it's really good to and it can take a lot of time.  I've heard in waaz many times that it's more sawab to do wudu with cold water.  It feels like recently it was added that it's more sawab to do that for fajr namaz.

That has a lot of layers.  Very literally, it's using cold water. That's easy to understand.  One layer I've been stuck on for a while is that you should do it because it prepares you for a good thing despite being hard to do.

I've gotten another layer of understanding.  I no longer think it's about preparation.  Doing the hard thing is good.  It takes consistency to do it and do it well.  It takes practice just like hifz or working out or making any progress in anything.  In many contexts, consistency is another word for practice.  

Taher, do the hard thing not because there's something good that comes after.  Do the hard thing because the hard thing is the good thing.

Moment

Life has a lot of frustration.  It's easy to be overwhelmed.  It's also up to us.  We get to decide if the moment will dictate our reaction or the other way around.  I always hear stuff like live in the moment or be in the moment.  That leaves out that we have a say in what kind of moment that is.  Don't be overwhelmed by the moment.

I wrote about taking a 5 minutes break 20 years ago.  It was one of my first posts and one of the wisest it seems.  

Taher, take your advice

Sabr

Every year before ramdaan I like to focus on one thing for the month.  A few months ago we heard a waaz dedicated to the idea of Sabr.  Ramadaan was far off in the future then😊, but the waaz stayed with me.  I used to think this word simply meant patience.  It has many layers and means so much more.  The central theme of the waaz was Sabr is core to being mumin.

Sabr among other things to me now means to me controlling your mind.  After all, that's probably the only thing we can control.  I'm realizing our body is not even in our control as much as I believed it was when I was younger.

I think a point of rozu is to remind of this idea of Sabr.  Not simply patience.  Rozu for a long time has not been about not eating for me.  The eating part has become a smaller part of rozu every year.  The not eating part is a reminder that eating is our choice.  We have the urge to eat or do anything and it's up to us to to decide in our mind if we will or not.

This year when I'm hungry, I'll let that be a reminder to think about Sabr.  The not eating part is easy; the Sabr part isn't.

Taher, have Sabr. 

Consent

I usually think of this as something external. It’s something you give or don’t give. It doesn’t have to be external though. It applies to emotions too or at least some of them sometimes. It’s my mind telling me that I’m overwhelmed, or frustrated, angry, or happy. There’s a lot of “stuff” that is happening and contributing. That will probably always be true. 

The thing though is it’s a choice to feel whatever. I don’t want to oversimplify and circumstance is important, but in many cases it’s on us to choose how we feel or don’t feel. 

Taher, choose to feel thankful and don’t give yourself consent to feel angry. 

Stoicism

This philosophy is pretty complex. It often gets associated with simply not showing emotion. It’s about so much more. 

Importantly, it examines control in depth. I’ve thought a lot about control and over the years. Stoicism talks about defining what is in your control and importantly what isn’t. It says to respond to what’s in your control and not so much to the rest.

It makes clearer what’s not in your control. Maybe obviously, other people, but also your reputation and even your own body. Interestingly, for each thing not in your control there is a complimentary thing in your control. You can’t control what is said to you, but you can control how you think about it. You can’t control if your body doesn’t cooperate, but there is something you can control. 

For everything external there is something internal.  Focus on the internal.

Taher, react aand respond appropriately.

Beauty

Learning only seems to make things better. 

Everyone appreciates a rainbow. It looks beautiful and that’s easy to see. Learning the physics that creates a rainbow makes it even more beautiful. Learning more about the optics makes it even more beautiful. Everything seems to be this way. Beauty has layers. Learning more only reveals more layers. It only goes one direction. 

Taher, learn more. It will only make things that are beautiful more beautiful. 

Confidence

I remember being full of confidence.  Most of it unearned.  In my teens and 20s I was even cocky.  I was confident I was good at this or that and alhamdolillah I had a lot of positive feedback.  

I'm probably not old yet, but I'm older.  I'm no longer good at those things I was good at in my teens and 20s.  Many of them were physical.  I'm not even a shadow of that person who was good at stuff because of my physical ability.  The other thing that I was weirdly good at was school and tests.  It served me well.  It doesn’t matter much now though. 

Alhamdolillah Yusuf and Nooriya both have even more of a physical gift that I had as a teen and they are both really good at school stuff.  Inshallah it will serve them well too. 

I’ve come to be confident in a different way. It’s probably not very original, but I’m super confident I’m the right person for Zahra and Yusuf and Nooriya.

Today Nooriya did awesome at gymnastics. Yesterday Yusuf showed off some of his crazy results from going to the gym. I’m feeling a lot of pride. I’m also realizing it’s a good example to set being confident. It’s not pride because I somehow don’t deserve it. Taher, be confident that you do deserve it. You deserve what you have and what you get. 

Be proud especially if moula gives it to you.  We rarely understand and that’s life.  It’s not a straight line.  Be confident if moula gives you his wisdom that it’s right  Be proud to have a dari and wear a topi  Be proud to do what moula has said and given raza for. It shows and people notice.   

Be confident. Be proud. The kids are watching.