Maybe we should trust that if we can’t understand.
The early bird gets the worm.
There's a lot to unpack there. The early bird gets the worm...sometimes, might be a better way to think about this. There's only so much in your control and then the rest is just being patient. The early bird is in position because it's early. The worm so to speak isn't always early though. The "early bird" is just prepared for what is important, "the worm".
The rest is just patience. There's so much you can't do. Recognizing that leads to patience. Perhaps a better example is catching a train. Getting to the station is only partly in your control. Once you get to the platform the train will come when it comes. The best you can do is be there and wait.
This phrase is about knowing what's important. However, it is more about being patient, I think. The "worm" will comes when it comes. The waiting with confidence is the hard part. This leads to the "worm" every time.
Taher, be the early bird.
These are someone else’s words. It’s a simple phrase, but so wise.
"Better to trip with the feet than with the tongue."
Whatever is said can’t be unsaid. It’s so simple, but not easy. Think before you speak. Think before you do anything really.
Taher, choose your words carefully and deliberately.
I am on vacation again. Alhamdolillah. I saw one of my favorite movies again first thing. It immediately put me in the right headspace.
It has a line I must have missed the first many times. “Now, we're just here to be memories for our kids.”
This vacation is to make more memories. Mostly good ones I hope. The right memories too. The ones about spending time together and doing things that don’t necessarily cost money and don’t only happen on vacation. Sometimes that means deeni memories.
It’s day 0.25 and already there are some great memories. I did namaz when it was inconvenient not just for me, but for them to see too.
Yusuf’s 1st meal in was a memory that makes me so proud. He was super hungry with a plate of food in front of him and decided to go 10 minutes back to the room to get his topi even after I told him it was ok and he should bring it next time.
Zahra is setting a great example for Nooriya wearing rida everywhere and living her life. The chef saw us and told us what was halal and importantly what has questionable ingredients we should stay away from. Nooriya chose her outfits and they’re all rida. We’re on a boat with no one we know. She could “take a break”, but she’s not. She’s choosing rida when so many on this boat chose a lot less modestly. I’m so proud of them both.
I’m so proud of all three.
Taher, when you do something or anything think to yourself, “will you be proud of the kind of memory is this going to be.”
Forgiveness is hard. It's easier to write someone off or some group off. They did this or that unforgivable thing. They may have done something big like stealing or something small like interrupting. They said something mean. They did something mean. They even did it on purpose.
So what?
The easy thing to do is not forgive and remember. Perhaps it might be easier to write them off. And perhaps even cast them out. Maybe they are repeat offenders and the easy thing to do is think, "this is the last straw".
Moula teaches us that forgiveness is the thing to do. His response to the worst transgression imaginable was to say my father taught me to forgive. Pacha laywe. Me gala lagiwees. This is powerful. His response is basically bring him here and I'll give him a hug. What?!
Taher, don't do the easy thing. Forgive and forget. It's for you. Follow Moula's example.
Khuda gives us 40 and we give 1 back to him. Khuda can do literally anything. Why didn't we just get 39?
There's a lot to this 1 of 40. The numbers aren't really that important. We can count it up and put it in different buckets and get to some other numbers. An important part is the giving is up to us. We get to choose to give just like we get to choose to do namaz or any other good thing.
Giving isn't just money. It's trust. It's love. It's happiness. It's opportunity. It's kindness.
Money does seem like the hardest to give. It gets easier to give money the more you do it. It's hard every time though. Giving is easier when we internalize that money isn't ours to begin with. Khuda gives it to us.
The thing is that giving to good things always comes back to the giver. It's hardest with money because it's not necessarily a straight line or even observable, but it always does come back.
Taher, giving money is hard. Do it. It will come back to you.
Two focuses things this Ramadan. Lots of time after fajr :)
I also want to focus on abundance. It's plenty adjacent. There's a concept that we have an "abundance set point". It's pretty cool. It's our brain realizing what is enough. We get to establish that baseline. If we can get there, we have a good chance of being happy.
What's really cool is that we can shift this point in our mind. A positive mind-set inherently believes there's plenty to go around and lowers this "set point". It's not a coincidence that optimists are happier and live longer. With this mindset, experiences are fuller and opportunities are perceived differently. Not much is truly in our control, but this is.
An abundance mind set is more than just being optimistic, though that's certainly part of it. It is believing that there is enough for everyone and helping others to see that. It is understanding that there's endless opportunities. Let rozu remind you that khuda is capable of giving you and everyone endless rewards.
Taher, you are at this abundance point now. Just get your brain to catch up by helping others see that too.
Every year in Ramadan I try to focus on one thing. This year it’s abundance. Roza will help remind me that I have a lot. Having a lot isn't bad, but having too much is.
I think this is an economics idea at it's root. The idea is called the Paradox of Plenty. It's basically when a country with a lot of resources has a worse economic outcome than those countries with few resources. The basic idea is that a country with a lot doesn't develop organically and this is referred to as the "resource curse".
The idea of Paradox of Plenty seems to apply much more broadly. It is the restlessness that comes with too much choice. It creates the illusion of control. It seems logical that the more we have and can decide would translate into more empowerment and more control of our environment. That's not right. Stuff happens, both good and bad, and you can't control it. Stoicism ties in here I think. A tenet of stoicism is understanding that things around you will happen and they're supposed to. You control your mind and nothing else.
Taher, be content without plenty. Being content isn't settling for less. Rather it's realizing what you have.
I've been working for a while now and it amazes me now that sometimes the value I bring is just being there. It's nice to be valued, but it still seems strange. I've had a colleague who liked to say, "Change is inevitable. Progress is optional". This value from little other than experience is a change. It's progress.
I've been a parent for a while now too. I don't always feel valued by the kids:) It might come later, but it's not really important. Things are definitely changing though. I think we've all heard something like when one door closes a window opens or some annoying bright-side-of-every-situation-type phrase.
Things are changing. The kids are changing. Not all at once, but they've entered this new stage. They're older. Nooriya is learning to drive. I get to teach her:) She's so excited. It's wonderful. My value is simply being the passenger. I don't really do anything. Last night Yusuf went out to a friend's house after Zahra and I went to bed. My value will be to simply be here and listen to him tell me about something from his night.
Tonight Zahra and I are going out and the kids have their own separate plans. It's not the first time, but things are definitely changing. It's becoming more normal. Another door is closing...
Taher, things are changing. They will change again. Taher, choose progress.
I went back to my high school to see Nooriya’s gymnastics meet. It has been 25 years since I was in that building. A lot is different there, but it still brought back a lot of memories. There is stuff I remember that I didn’t even realize I remember.
I don’t remember high school as the best time. Actually, thinking of high school as being the best time of your life is kinda sad. It was complicated like I’m guessing it is for everyone. I wasn’t the sports guy. I wasn’t the smartest usually. I wasn’t the most popular or the most talented either.
Somehow I was nice to people most of the time and that worked really well. I definitely didn’t have it figured out. I couldn’t articulate it. I wasn’t just kinda lucky that I was nice to people.
Until today I didn’t really realize that I was nice and kind then and that was the reason high school was as good as it was. I can articulate it now. Being nice and kind works at this age and I’m glad I can articulate it now and strive for it.
Taher, be nice and kind. It will probably still work in 25 years.
Life is short though it may not always seem like that. It has a way of seeming even shorter when looking back. Kids grow up and things change. You have milestones and low points. Those seem to be the memories that stick.
The other day dad came over and told me the story of when he first got to the USA. I'd heard it before, but I love watching him tell it. It was the 60 year mark. He made his way to Minneapolis. There was a snow storm and his connecting flight was cancelled. He was being hosted by a family he'd never seen for a few days in rural Minnesota. A bunch of them had all come to the airport to receive him only to not have him arrive.
My dad got bumped to a later flight. It was 60 years ago so he had no way of letting them know. The family all left, except for the dad. He stayed back. And was miraculously there to meet my dad, all by himself; a foreigner in a strange place.
They eventually drove the 1.5 hours back to their farm where at 11 pm the whole family had waited to eat dinner. The mom went to the library and researched what would be ok to eat. She prepared the meal and assured my dad that there was no pork in anything. After dinner, the dad showed my dad to his room. He even pointed and said Mecca is that way. He even figured out which way qibla was!
Part of this family's legacy is my dad and his story. Wow!
At this point, my dad silently reflected on 60 years of life since. He thought about his legacy I imagine.
Then the mood changed. My dad talked about this picture on his desk. It's a picture I know well. It's a picture of his whole family on the day he left. Everyone gathered. Going on a plane, let alone to the US was a big deal then.
A new part of the story developed. There are 19 people standing with my dad. He noted that all 19 people had passed away and even 2 of the seated kids had passed away.
Taher, remember that your legacy is bigger than you and do things that you'll be proud of when you think about your legacy.
This a favorite lyric of mine. It's a mid 90's song that was fun to listen to and then something more. The song goes,
And soon if we're lucky we'd be unable to tell
What's yours and mine
I had thought this was cool and up until this day I thought this was just about me and Zahra.
Today is a heavy day. It's simply sad in a lot of ways. It is probably one of many sad days to come. This lyric is now about something more than the relationship between two lucky people. I think it's really about stages in life. They pass and then somehow they become unrecognizable. One day Zahra and I weren't together and now we are. The before doesn't seem real. Once we didn't have kids and then we did. The before doesn't seem real. Stuff will happen in life and the before will be unreal. Sometimes we'll be lucky and sometimes we will not be lucky, but there will be change. There will be a before.
Perhaps, I'm reading into this far more than the author intended. Perhaps, the lyrics really are that deep. I like to think this depth just snuck into a pop song.
Taher, there will be an after.
I'm thinking about the plan. There is a plan. It's just not the one I made. It's better and I don't see it. I don't know what it is. No one can. That's the thing. "Unexpected" stuff happens all the time. It's part of the plan though.
We're not helpless though. We can do things and at the same time the things we do are part of the plan. Stuff will happen and it's not "unexpected". When something is important there needs to be space for the "unexpected". If Zahra or Yusuf or Nooriya says, I will meet you in the mud room at 6:50, it's imperative that I'm there and ready. I want them to rely on me. 6:50 doesn't mean 6:52. It's not leave as little time as possible for all the steps so that it ends at 6:50. Things never go exactly as you think they should. 6:50 doesn't just happen.
Life doesn't go exactly as you think it should. The "unexpected" happens. It's supposed to and things get in the way. Plan for things to not go exactly as you think. When you do that, you know it's important. It can be the other way around too. If you know it's important, plan for things not to go exactly as you think.
Taher, things don't go exactly as you think they should, but they go exactly to plan. Leave a margin for the stuff you know is important to go the way you want.
I recently learned about something in the brain. It is when things are procedural or too easy we lose out in the long-term. I thought the title "Too Easy" was very apt. I thought of another post I had written back in a few months ago and later came to learn I had coincidentally named it "Hard".
In it, I recalled something Moula tells us. There is a lot of sawab in doing wazu with cold water at fajr. Back in when I wrote the post, another layer became clear to me. There's a lot of benefit in doing the hard thing.
No surprise that some research confirms what Moula's wisdom is telling us. It is specific, but at the same time the thought can be broadened.
I'm learning about Block Learning vs Interleaving. In short, block learning is doing something over and over using the same method or learning by procedure. Think formula. Things work only if something fits the formula. This is true when learning a math equation or practicing chess all day or very specific or narrow domain knowledge. This leads to wins and observable progress in the short-term. It comes at the expense of the long-term though. The opposite is interleaving. Think concepts. This is frustrating and often leads to frustration and lack of observable results. This is stickier. This kind of learning is harder, but objectively better. This is strongly correlated with learning to do lots of things; it is related to gaining knowledge in multiple domains. Most of the best athletes, musicians, other artists, and academics practice this kind of learning.
There's a lesson here. Whether it's parenting, sabaq, hosting, school, work, or any of many other things, we might not be able see the payoff, but it's there. That's maybe the point too. We often can't see and just have to trust.
Taher, do the hard thing.
Yesterday Yusuf and Nooriya cooked everything. Another time to be in the backseat and just enjoy. I was the helper. It made me feel so good. I love seeing them both come into their own more and more. I'm getting used to this new stage of parenting and doing less.
Everything tasted great. Not great because my kids made it; it was just great. There was one thing with the food that was unintentional and made for a great memory. Nooriya was making mashed potatoes and cornbread. At meal time, she mixed up the two and served the cornbread batter as the mashed potatoes.
Everyone took some. It looked delicious and just like mashed potatoes. We started and one by one people got to the potatoes and said stuff like, "did you accidentally put sugar in the potatoes?", "why is it sweet?", "is it supposed to taste like dessert?".
We got to spend more time with dad yesterday which was wonderful. He's still teaching. He took some cornbread and insisted that it was great. He didn't care. He ate everything. He was present and he enjoyed the moment. He was maybe in a different stage of grandparenting. He was doing less and being there more!
Taher, do less sometimes, but be there more. Taher, remember your priorities.
There’s lots of interactions everyday.
One yesterday stands out. It was after vaas. Moula was padahring just past. Everyone was seated and doing deedar. It was nice and relatively calm for a Moula situation. Everyone was able to do deedar and thamakun sey.
And then a few seconds in one dude in the front stood up. He was very quickly followed by several people around him standing. And then more people. It was like a wave. I could feel myself and a few around me groaning collectively and I remember thinking, “SERIOUSLY!?”.
I stubbornly stayed seated thinking this is the adab thing to do. Then everyone was standing around me and I had to stand out of safety. Again I thought, “SERIOUSLY?!”. I have to get up and do what’s not adab right now.
I thought, not immediately I admit, what was this guy’s niyat? Was it to annoy me? Very very very likely not. He just wanted to see moula. All those other people probably did too. I have the insane naseeb to be annoyed. I get to go in so many situations where I get to be close to Moula and have his nazr. Alhamdolillah!
This is just one example, but annoying stuff happens all the time everyday. People’s niyat is almost always good.
Moula repeated three times one my favorite things he says, “wa lad deen ilul hoob”. There is no deen without love. It has a new layer today. Love people’s niyat. That’s part of deen.
Taher, look at people’s niyat. It is almost always good. Love that.
The more I learn the more it becomes clear that stuff doesn’t matter as much as it seems in almost every case.
So much we’re instructed to do begins with “thamakun sey” [fill in the blank].
Just relax! Relax while you eat. Relax while you do namaz. Relax when you do tasbee at the end of namaz. Relax when you work. Relax when you sleep. Relax when you dream.
In fact, have a passion for relaxing. Relax and appreciate the world. Appreciating the world is ibadaat.
Work hard at relaxing. When that person or thing annoys you that’s the way it’s supposed to go. Relax and let what’s coming come. It’ll come to pass regardless.
Taher, just relax! You’ll get what’s coming to you and it’ll be better if you’re relaxed to receive it.
