Taher, you’re in your 40s. You are old and wise now😅. Sometimes just do it or sometimes refrain from doing it😅. Not like when you were young. Not without regard for consequence. Rather with regard to consequence. Ask yourself, “is this going to matter?”
Taher, if the answer is no then do the thing that makes the other person and you feel good.
Yay!
I get the day after my birthday off every year and am usually on vacation. It’s wonderful. I’ve gotten to another milestone birthday, Alhamdolillah.
Things are changing at what feels like a faster pace. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be reflecting on, but I keep thinking about my dad. I’m now at the age he was when I was born. I think about how moving it was during his heart surgery recovery. Alhamdolillah, he’s gotten to celebrate more milestones after that. Time after time friends and family show up for him. I’ve gotten to hear very memorable stories and very meaningful things his friends have said.
Taher, do meaningful things that people will remember and make them want to show up for you. Nooriya is eleven. You have an eleven year head start.
We get to visit someone after 12 years. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen her.
I’m very excited to be able to meet her parents again. I remember them being nice and parenty I guess. I hadn’t really thought about how exceptionally nice they were twelve years ago.
They opened their home so warmly to us. We arrived late at night, probably after 1am with Yusuf who was then a cute, but loud baby. I remember very well that they stayed up to meet us and had way more food than we could possibly eat waiting for us. They had rooms and beds prepared for us too thoughtfully directing us to essentials we would need and I remember them saying make yourself at home and really meaning it. I recall thinking this is so nice.
I didn’t really think of their perspective until the other day. We were essentially strangers. One of us was friends with their adult kid and far away too. We had a loud baby that we we’re bringing in to their otherwise quiet home. And we probably demanded quiet because the baby was sleeping at probably seemingly random times. We arrived late at night and they were up. At the time, I didn’t think much of this. We were young and parenting a newborn. We were up all the time and whenever. I’m pretty sure they weren’t.
I realize that they probably did this for all the people that came to their home and this wasn’t out of the ordinary. It was personal for me and they made me feel welcome.
Taher, pay it forward. Change the world one interaction at a time.
Road trip!
We were all in the car today and a song came on I hadn’t heard in a while. The las time I heard it was when Nooriya and I had a night out together. It was super special and I even wrote about it.
She’s starting to go through a time in her life where hanging out with me is not going to be what she wants to do. This song reminds me this won’t always be how she feels.
—
Yeah, some things never change
Like the love that I feel for her
Some things stay the same
—
Taher, be patient and listen to the lyrics because sometimes Disney songs are awesome.
I’ve thought a lot about plans and control over the years. Luck, serendipity, fate, kismet, and a lot of other names that do a good job describing what I’m thinking about today. I’ve also thought about what success means what I’d like for the Yusuf and Nooriya. I’ve tried to simplify it to being happy and not define it more than that.
Being successful, whatever that means, requires a lot of luck/serendipity/fate/kismet. Whatever the word, it requires something you don’t control. It has been easier to remember Alhamdolillah about certain situations I’ve been in where I think things could be slightly different and way worse and Alhamdolillah it wasn’t.
I’m thinking about the flip side. Working hard makes being successful more likely, but there is a significant portion of being successful that isn’t in your control.
Taher, remember to think Alhamdolillah when things are good. Remember things could be slightly different and way worse.
Last week Zarha and I had a night out. Really it was a night in, but it was a virtual night out. It was awesome. We attended this very entertaining Zoom magic show. The tricks were very impressive. I'm sure there was an explanation for all of them, but I have no idea. It was wonderful.
We hadn't had time like this together for many months. It was very welcome.
There was one “trick” the magician did. He had us do it and then explained how it worked. I put “trick” in quotes because it wasn’t a trick at all.
He had us draw 3 shapes on a card - a line, a circle, and a dot. Then he had us hold a small object by a string over what we had drawn. The object swayed back and forth over the paper in the shape we had drawn First, back and forth over a line. Then, in a circular path above a circle. Then, it didn’t move at all when it was over a dot.
He proceeded to explain how our brain was making our hands do this. It even had a name which escapes me. I remember thinking that this was amazing. It wasn’t a trick and there wasn’t any mystery. Our minds have the power to control our actions even when our thoughts aren’t conscious. The most amazing part of this is that we can train our brains similar to how we can train our muscles.
Taher, train your brain to be patient. It will affect your actions.
Yusuf did rozu on Sunday. I am very proud.
We are having some work done at home and needed to return a bunch of stuff to ikea. So much stuff that we couldn’t all fit in the car. It was a nice just Yusuf and me morning. We loaded up the car in rozu and were off. We talked and talked. We talked so much that we missed our exit...twice. It was wonderful.
We got to ikea and unloaded the car for a while and waited a bunch in a couple different lines. Everything was finally successfully returned.
We made another stop at the pet store nearby. I got to do some pre-Eid Eid shopping. He looked at some turtles and geckos and was pretty excited.
This was awesome for me. It was such nice time with Yusuf. He noticed it was special too. On the way home he commented that it was a nice time and was glad to be with me.
Then he said something beautiful that I don’t want to forget. He said we had a wonderful morning and got to spend a bunch of quality time together. He told me to think about all the cars on the road, they’re all on their way from something or to something and many of them are on their way from doing or about to do something special.
Wow and beautiful!
Taher, listen carefully. You will hear wise and beautiful things when you don’t expect
Yesterday, I did my first rozu for Ramadan. Often when I do rozu I get asked, “Rozu lageche?” My response has almost always been something like no, it’s not hard or no, not at all.
Yesterday, that wouldn’t have been an honest answer. To start the day, I woke up for namaz, but I overslept and didn’t wake up for sihori. I went back to bed and got some terrible sleep. I got out of bed late and missed seeing the kids before they left for school. I was really late to join a meeting. I had some computer trouble and had a really unproductive day at work. I was low energy all day and having a lot of trouble slowing down for Ramadan which I look forward to every year. My day was a bit off.
I sat on my masala close to maghreb doing Quran and waiting for my rozu to be over. I thought there are literally 1.8 billion other Muslims and many of them also had their first rozu after a while. I was finally having some of Ramadan clarity. There were probably so many people that were waiting to break their fast like I was.
Each year I spend Ramadan trying to focus on one thing. This year I want to focus my effort on remembering that others have stuff going on and whatever they’re dealing with is more complicated than I know. All those people doing rozu had at least that going on.
Taher, everyone has something going on and you likely don’t know.
I was lucky to get my 2nd vaccine today. I even traded messages with a friend about planning a trip and return to normalcy. I can't wait.
I got to my appointment and the site had switched vaccine types and I was getting redirected. I was stressed out and anxious as I waited not knowing if I'd be able to get my vaccine today even. I luckily got redirected to another site that same day. I was a little annoyed because it was 40 minutes away and now I had to drive and wait some more.
I got there and in-line and followed the directions of the many folks that were there trying to do crowd control COVID style. After a few stations, I got to a table in this large gym where I was gonna get a shot. The person who gave me the shot proudly had her name tag affixed to her scrubs with band-aids. Her name tag said she was a doctor and reminded me of how she and all those other people were spending their time for others. Just today I was in two of these sites where there were hundreds of people working together to get this thing to end. To think there are many of these people in many thousand of these sites all across the world working for this same thing. That's looking out for everyone. That's selflessness on a Saturday.
I came home and just finished watching one of my favorite movies. I may have seen it a few times before:P It had something new to me this time. The people in the story are shut off from the outside world and many just stay home. In the end, many of them come together against great odds to resist and win. The story ends on a hopeful note and the main character saying "anyone can be a hero."
Taher, be hopeful and remember that anyone can be a hero.
Spring break!!
We finally took a mini trip. It’s just an hour and a half drive away and only for one night. But it feels so much further away and it’s been such a long time since we’ve taken a trip. It crossed my mind this morning that I might not even remember how to take a trip! Luckily, we did remember.
We are here with the parents and the kids and it seems like it will be a very nice shared memory👍
We did a nice easy hike and along the way we came to a small stream and waterfall. It wasn’t a fantastic vista that people hike to, but it was nice and scenic. The moving water made me feel so peaceful. I stopped to just be at peace. Just for a moment. It was short, but it was so refreshing. I haven’t felt like that in a long time. I realized I’m really busy, despite not doing much.
It reminded me that there’s this peaceful water that’s been there for a very very long time. The water is there all the time. I realized again that it’s up to me to just go there and that refreshing feeling is just waiting for me.
Taher, find the rushing water in life. It’s not far.
Zahra and I were watching a show with an older, wiser person and a younger, more immature person. The wise person was once like the younger person. It was obvious to the viewer they were very similar, but it wasn't really apparent to them. It's easy to think that the younger one should just listen to the "wise" person. I'm sure it'll all work out.
Real life is not so straightforward. People are much more complex. The kids are more complex. They are shaped by every experience they have and it's tough realizing that I'm not part of or even privy to those experiences a growing portion of the time. They're getting older and that will keep happening inshallah. They'll also continue to get more complex.
Taher, you're not "wise" just because you're older. Don't ever forget that everyone has something going on. Remembering that will make you a better listener. Remember that when talking and listening to Yusuf and Nooriya.
Every so often I do "maintenance" with the kids. It's the umbrella term for any projects and upkeep around the house. I used to call it "construction", but I had to re-brand😅. Anytime a filter needs changing, turning the sprinklers off, oiling the garage door, or buying anything that needs assembling I try to include one or both kids as much as possible. It's logistically difficult because they don't love it and they each have stuff to do and it would be way easier to just do it myself. I set out to do it to have their company when they were really little, but over time it has become all about them. They have a good sense of taking care of their house and the reframing as "maintenance" helps fit these projects in the bigger general taking care and pride in their house/space. I hope they're learning to be self-reliant, they can fix stuff, and they are capable of learning to solve problems even if it's not their expertise. My friend recently asked about me about what I do with them and aptly called these life skills.
This week we were mounting a projector in the basement on the ceiling. It was a "maintenance" project. I thought it would be easy and simple to do, but it wasn't and it required solving a lot of problems along the way. It would have been way easier to tell them to "just watch" or to just do it myself. I chose to include them and I'm glad I did.
I'm reminded about when Nooriya dubbed me her pancake making helper. The kids are much older now then they used to be and they have ideas on how to do things. This was another reminder that someday they won't need me to help.
Taher: it's tough, but it's worth it. The kids are getting older; be their helper and sometimes just get out of the way.
Yusuf has been working on creating a scavenger hunt for the kids nearby. He was really thoughtful putting together the clues. He was thoughtful to make sure they weren't too easy or too hard and that everyone from the youngest kids to the oldest kids would be included and engaged. He thought about where he could and couldn't hide clues all up and down the street and at the park.
He was really thoughtful about the teams. He wanted to make sure there was an even mix of intelligence and was sure there were older kids to chaperone the younger kids. He tried very hard to appease everyone when they had requests about whose team they wanted to be on. And he was very diplomatic in explaining about the requests he couldn't fill even if it didn't feel important to him.
After a few false starts the scavenger hunt was on. It seemed like a good time for all and seemed to work out great. A success!
Later my dad commented that he was a natural leader. My first thoughts were yeah and allhamdolillah. I thought more about why.
Yusuf was thoughtful and it made him successful. It played no small part in him being a leader.
Taher, be more thoughtful.
School has been interesting this year to say the least. So far I'm really impressed with how well the kids and teachers have adapted.
The other day I got to be with Nooriya during school for a bit. It was pretty cool I thought. She seemed pretty engaged even though it was a Zoom call.
Then something cool and unexpected to me happened. She was sent to a virtual breakout room with some other kids. It was pretty clear she was in charge and not in a bossy way at all. There were maybe five other kids and she was directing them to do tasks. It was cool for me to get to observe this which is probably her typical interaction with peers.
There was something else I noticed. From my perspective, she was clearly in charge. It wasn't clear because she did most of the talking. She did a lot of listening. This virtual format requires that in a way. Two people can't really talk at the same time if either of them want to be understood. I love that she's learning to be a good listener right now. She listened and then talked and was clearly a leader.
Taher listen better.
I have been to the qabrastan many times and the circumstances for going there always sucked. I reflected on the qabrastan many years ago. I thought about how it really sucked and yet it was cathartic and reminded me of what was important. I vividly remember when I wrote this so long ago not thinking about myself being buried, but rather how many times I might have to do the burying. I also vowed then to come back to visit the peaceful place when the circumstances didn't suck so much.
After many years, today I finally did go when it didn't suck so much. It was the first time I was able to go and look at all the gravestones without a crowd of people and being there while someone was being buried. I was still given a sense of focus though. I had the chance to look at the many gravestones and think I knew that person and that person and that person...It was heartbreaking.
I got the end of the people I knew and saw a name I recognized. It was my friend's mom. I was a little kid. I was too young to remember much in detail, but I remember her and I remember the whole thing being sad. I then noticed the dates. She was 37 when she died. What?! I then walked around again looking at these graves and all these people who passed away and looked at the dates. There were so many people who died in their teens, 20's, 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s. There were even some kids. An 11 year old, that I remember dying when I was a kid. My heart broke again. Hard. I think my heart broke the hardest when I got to the beginning. There were two very little kids. A 10 day old and a 15 day old. I know the parents and I realized that so many of the people buried here were outlived by their parents.
This time, I did get that focus and was reminded about what's important without feeling that immense sense of loss that people feel when they lose someone they love. I didn’t think about losing people I love though. I thought the people who died and their loved ones and the many parents that lost a kid. I thought about what is going on in my life now and all the stuff people probably had going on in theirs when someone they loved died. I wasn’t there for a funeral and it was somehow more sad.
Taher, everyone has got something going on.
