Attitude and Intention

It's Ramadan and every year I turn inward and think about all that's been given to me and do my best to appreciate it. I think a lot about the illusion of control and everything that really isn't in my control at all. All with the goal of trying hard to be aware of all the things in my life.

The last few weeks and this Ramadan I'm taking the opposite approach. I think so much about what isn't in my control that I forget about what is. My attitude and my intention are the two things I can think of that are truly in my control. Also gifts to be sure, but up to me how to make use of these tools.

This year, alongside remembering all the things that are in my life because of no effort of my own or at most the illusion of my effort, I will remember constantly what is in my control. 

Infinity

I love math because it is full of very abstract concepts with implications about our world once you get passed the foundation stuff.  I'm guessing this is just as true for any of the other sciences that attempts to describe our world.

I'm rereading a book from the bookshelf, "Chaos".  It's probably very boring to most, but I find it fascinating.  The book talks about how the study of chaos began.  If nothing else, I want to remember it is a study fundamentally about perspective.

Nature has this property where no matter how much you zoom in or out things look irregular. A snapshot of a coastline at 1000 feet altitude or 1 millimeter altitude will look pretty much the same. The study of chaos has the central theme that there is a "regular irregularity" to the world.  Mind blown!

Reading this book has also got me remembering the painter's paradox or Gabriel's horn.  Basically, it's a shape that has the property that you could fill it with paint, but never have enough paint to paint the outside.  I learned about this in high school basic calculus and my reaction was probably not much deeper than "this is cool".

The point I want to takeaway from this is to remember in math and in life there are things I can and can't understand AND I need to be aware of that.

Record

I'm taking an interest in digital privacy or lack of.  I'm learning that nothing I write in an email (whether sent or not) or blog or anything digital and connected to the internet isn't mine anymore.  All that (and this) is relinquished by me and recorded.  I have some strong opinions about privacy, but that's not what's on my mind today.

Today, I'm thinking about what kind of trail I'm leaving and what I will continue to leave. I think it's really great that we now have a record to pass down to Yusuf, Nooriya, and next generations.  I also think it's really not great that it's so easy to mold someone's digital historical record this way or that. Just the same way numbers and statistics get skewed and misinterpreted all the time, so too will our records.

A couple of stories in the news right now are taking a people's digital history and compiling them to portray them as this or that.  Technically, I guess they're speaking for themselves which is great, but probably a lot out of context and over many years.  A "regular" guy is a hero or a villain or a genius or a moron depending.

I think back at the last 15 years and all the things I did as a dumb kid without foresight and I'm thankful that not much of that is recorded, at least not that I know of.  I have, though, recorded a bunch of stuff and am concerned that taken the wrong way and out of context.  I know how I would like to be remembered and I hope whatever I leave behind doesn't get twisted into something else.

Prediction

"A prediction that the sun will rise is no more rational than a prediction the sun won't rise...don't blame nature because you are too daft to understand it"

Baye's simple description of the world is rich with philosophical implications. If you believe something 100%, no amount of evidence can convince you otherwise.

Awesomeness

Yesterday Yusuf told me that we "should get a pool in the backyard because it is awesome".

It is awesome.  The more I thought about it his logic is flawless.

I'm going to do more stuff because it's awesome...maybe not a pool though:P

Forward

I read about a solar powered plane that could fly through the night.  The plane is not practical.  It's slow, difficult to maneuver, and has other limitations.  The scientist summed up why all the effort was being put into this project as "breaking the assumptions of what's possible".

It is amazing to think about where we are compared to were not too long ago.  I am amazed by the things I now think possible that I couldn't really imagine just a little while ago.  I write this as both a warning not to fall complacent and a reminder to myself to keep moving towards something.  Anything is possible.

Order out of disorder

I saw this and first thought that it was just cool.



I think back to every summer and seeing fireflies and watching them randomly flicker and remember thinking nothing of it.  I then saw this video of thousands of fireflies flashing in unison.  Amazing.

 Among other places where fireflies live, they flashed in unison on this river in Thailand.  Just discovered, maybe 50 years ago.  In the dark, silent night.  Amazing! and for no one to see.  And they've probably been doing it for thousands of years.

And my immediate assumption is that there is "no one to see".  Subtle, but I realize that my assumption that there should be someone to see, someone to understand is very presumptuous.  My reaction of isn't only wonder and appreciation, it's something more and marked with hubris.  I also think of my definition of the word random.

Random is a human construct, a human definition.  It's an explanation for something that can't be explained.  Just like fireflies who appear to flash randomly one at a time, but thousands together have a pattern.  Random is just a matter of perspective.  Things may appear random to me, but I shouldn't think they aren't without a purpose.

"Cookie time!"

I love having cookies and milk with the kids. Nooriya is learning how to dip cookies in milk, it's a little messy:-)

Saturday mornings

I love my Saturday mornings, most Saturdays in the morning it its just me and Nooriya. Too soon she will go to madrasa too:'(

Who's who

I'm pretty sure I didn't encourage either one of them to say this:-)

"I want to be a builder when I grow up"

"I want to be a princess when I grow up!"

Storytime

After many many times gong to Storytime at the library she finally sat by herself. I'm proud of her, but mostly sad she's not cuddling with me in my lap:'(

Best Birthday Ever!

For some reason Yusuf wanted to throw me a surprise birthday party the other night.  My birthday isn't for months, but this was awesome still.

The party was complete with decorations Yusuf had cut out and taped to the wall, invitations, party hats, a construction paper cake with candles, and a happy birthday song that Yusuf wrote the lyrics out for.

It was so amazing to be the center of his attention and I have some precious souvenirs from the party I plan to keep for a long time.  Hopefully they're a small part of what I'll continue to collect from Yusuf and Nooriya.

Thanks Yusuf! (and Zahra)

"I Love You You are the best and the great"

Party Balloon and Cake

"I Love you and you are the best and supur! good! and nice!"

This is the invitation outside

 This is the invitation inside, "Dear Abba, Yusuf and Nooriya and Mumy have a extra special surprise at home and it is a secret."

Yusuf wrapped some presents and made some party hats!

Peacock

Dad told me something really nice tonight.

In English, "a peacock doesn't need to be painted".  He said it much more eloquently in Gujarati.  He said it about mostly about Yusuf, but about me too.  I don't want to write down what I think it means now.  I want to read this a long time from now and re-interpret it.

SLOW DOWN!

Today Yusuf is going on his first sleepover.  I wasn't ready for him to be going out on his own and spending the night away when my mom called and said to send him over.  He's super excited even though I'm kind of scared.

Also, in the car he was telling me about how in five years he'd be ten.  Ten!

Yusuf is blowing my mind a little today:)

Quotes

I'm reading a history of risk and these are a couple quotes I know I will want to come back to read.

"The actions we dare to take, which depend on how free we are to make choices, are what the story of risk is all about.  And that story helps define what it means to be a human being."

"If everything is a matter of luck, risk management is a meaningless exercise.  Invoking luck obscures truth, because it separates an event from its cause."

"Once we understand that we are not obliged to accept the spin of the roulette wheel or the cards we are dealt, we are free souls.  Our decisions matter.  We can change the world."

Ice Cream

The other night I watched Nooriya eat a cup of ice cream.  I watch her intently and two thoughts struck me as she worked to get as much ice cream as possible successfully into her mouth.

One...She was so singularly focused on her task.  She sat there using an adult size spoon that was too big for her trying to get as much ice cream out of the bowl and to her mouth.  She patiently and carefully took each bite of ice cream out of the bowl with complete concentration.  She dropped a little bit on the table, a lot on her face and some in her mouth.  I was a bit jealous of her ability to be so focused and her ability to block out pretty much everything else.

Two...I was reminded of the enormity of my responsibility.  She was able to be so unaware of everything that wasn't ice cream in that moment.  That's my job to be aware for her.  It was a great moment for me to remember I just have a very few number of tasks in my life that I need to focus on.  I enjoyed my ice cream as much as Nooriya did because she so clearly reminded me that my most important things to focus on were sitting at the table eating ice cream with me.

Go Fish!

Yesterday was Nooriya's 3rd birthday.  Hard for me to understand she's already 3.  The four of us went for ice cream yesterday to celebrate before her party.

We had ice cream and taught Yusuf to play Go Fish!  It was awesome, he got it and he really enjoyed it.  I watched him yell "GO FISH! abba" and all of a sudden realized this was the first time he'd ever played Go Fish! and it was kind of blowing his mind discovering this game.

All day I've been thinking back to when Yusuf was just a few days and weeks old.  I remember marvelling at the thought that just about every single thing was brand new to him - everywhere he went, everything he ate, everything he wore...it was pretty much all for the first time.  Last night he had another first, and I realized there are so many more to come for him.  I have also been thinking that there isn't much in my week or month that is for the first time.  Almost everything I do, eat and experience I've done before.

I also realized something else after all this stuff.  Yesterday, I got to be a part of his first game of Go Fish!  It's just up to me to be a part Yusuf's and Nooriya's firsts. 

disruption

I may have a decision to make soon or even again some time much later this will be worth thinking back to.  I hope I come back to this post when it comes time to make that decision.

So many times small annoying things happen like being stuck in traffic and I've thought if I only I'd taken the other way or left a few minutes earlier.   Sometime later, hopefully not too long later, I think that I was spared experiencing something bigger and worse and only had to deal with something small and annoying.

I feel blessed to be able to have this perspective at least some of the time.  While this has served me well with the small stuff and my day to day, it hasn't really pushed me to think about my life in the long-term.

In the last couple weeks two things have disrupted normal life so much it has forced me to look closely at the path I'm on now.  There are two different things, but they really make me see the same thing; what it is that I have now.

The first is a job opportunity.  It's not an opportunity really of any substance yet, but a romantic idea of what my career might be like.  If this pans out it could be like waving a magic career wand and getting to this place where I could just open any career door I wanted.  I could take any number of career paths with a bright future and in my mind everything else would just fall into place.

The second is a the family being separated.  Zahra is gone right now and it is the most time we've ever spent apart.  I'm fine and the kids are fine.  Taking good care of them is a tough job, but I'm up for it.  It's just really lonely.  I don't have fun; I'm just doing stuff to pass the time until we're all together again.

I'm so glad these two things happened at the same time.  It has given me the opportunity to think clearly about where our life is headed and could be headed.  I wonder how many things have had to go exactly right for me to have this lucky life.  I could make this career change, but it might mean changing this great thing I've got.  I better not  make the decision seeing only the things I want to see and ignoring the rest.  I am doing my best not to lose sight of why I work in the first place.  My ambitions and aspirations are not career-related, they're life-related.  No matter how tempting the opportunity, if I make a decision that puts career before life I'll regret it sooner or later.  Probably sooner.

Awe

The last few weeks I've had several things remind me of my 'smallness'.

I am learning about Voyager and the Golden Record it carries.  It was launched 35 years ago, and had this amazingly romantic idea. It would carry this small record meant to encapsulate our planet.  On it, there are sounds of so many things including baby's cry, greetings in numerous languages, animal sounds and the brain waves of Ann Druyan who was in love and would later marry Carl Sagan.  The Voyager has been traveling at about 36K mph since it left in 1977.  There are countless stars out there; thousands of stars you can't see for all those that you can and the Voyager won't reach the closest one for another 40,000 years.  The idea that someone or thing might find this and might be able to listen to this and might be able to interpret this is  so enchanting.

Jimmy Carter said so articulately, "This is a present from a small, distant world, a token of our sounds, our science, our images, our music, our thoughts and our feelings. We are attempting to survive our time so we may live into yours.'

A couple weeks back Curiosity landed successfully on Mars a mere 60 million away.  Against the odds, the 7 minute landing controlled and monitored far, far, far, far away was a success and inspired and united a whole world by pushing the bounds of what humans have been given the capacity to do.

The other night I watched a stupid Nick Cage movie that gave some crazy stats about the size of our world and it's expanse of time. There are 1,000,000,000,000 stars in our galaxy and 1,000,000,000,000 galaxies out there, give or take a zero:P  The mathematician in me wonders can our planet be 1 in a 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000...(you get the idea), how romantic an idea is that? In a blink of an eye in universe time there were dinosaurs and in another blink our sun will be burnt out.

And the other night, the biggest thing or rather the thing the put this size in perspective was mom's letter.  I'm a believer in determinism, things happen for a reason.  This amazing experience with this amazing Moula that I'm a beneficiary of, that my kids are a beneficiary of is unbelievable, it is beyond any math or logic.  If I ever think things are random or without purpose, I will feel sorry for myself.

Also, I saw 'The Dark Knight Rises" today for the first of probably many times to come and it was out of this world  AWE-some!

Legacy

I've heard the lore of Aqa Moula's first visit to Chicago in 1978, first utaro at mom and dad's house, but I got a new even more fantastic perspective of it yesterday.

Last night I got to be part of something so special.  I got watch as mom read 'the letter'.  I can't go into the history of the letter too much for fear I would be incomplete and I would not do it justice.  The letter's content and journey has a story that can't be made up and I can only understand as my naseeb to be witness to its reading.

All the stories I've heard before have been from memories and amazing experiences people remember and many of them I've heard second hand.  At the time, mom wrote a letter to her parents in India.  35 years ago India may have well been another planet.  The letter is about 15 pages and rich in detail and emotion.  After many years and some amazing trip, the letter made its way back to mom.

I watched mom read the letter word for word.  It was filled with details like dates, times, the clothes Aqa Moula was wearing, the food Aqa Moula ate and so many more details, details that would have otherwise been lost. As mom read the letter, it was magical.  She was reading, but also reliving every moment and it was moving.

In addition to the letter, Dad had the incredible foresight to document so much of the trip with moving pictures and portraits.  A video camera was no small thing in 1978.

By the end of the 45 minutes, I was so captivated that I could hardly digest what I had just been a part of.  I think about this amazing, amazing thing that mom and dad have to pass down to Aziz and Zahra and as my great luck would have it, me too.

It occurs to me now that mom was round about my age when she wrote the letter.  She was even in just about the same stage of parenthood.  I doubt very that mom and dad could have imagined the legacy they would have to give to us so many years later.  I can't think about Yusuf and Nooriya so many years from now.  It isn't obvious to me the legacy Zahra and I will pass down to them, but I don't want to take it for granted that it will be so valuably documented as mom and dad have been able to do.