Calm

I have been learning to swim the last several months. Up until just recently I could successfully splash my way from point A to B, but it wasn't really swimming. I am happy to say that now I can swim. The biggest challenge for me was mental; I would get in the water and a very short time later I would feel desperate for air. I quickly get frantic and splash around. Things wouldn't go so well from there.

For me, learning to swimming was learning to stay composed and calm. It has been such a skill to learn and difficult too; I have come to really appreciate the feeling.

Pretty often, Nooryia get's frantic and all I have to do is pick her up and hold her close and that's enough to make her calm down. It's pretty amazing as I think about her entire body responding to me; her breathing, her heart rate, and all her muscles just relax. I am honored to be one of the few people who have this power. I feel a lot of responsibility and I know I will try to protect her forever.

Also, today is Nooriya's birthday! We all couldn't wait, especially Nooriya who woke at 1am, 2am, 3am and 330am to tell us. Happy Birthday! We made it!

Yusuf Logic

I have been unaware just how much my experiences affect my logic and reasoning. My brain fills in the blanks for so much information and guides my thinking. It has been amazing to see the way Yusuf reasons and his logic when he has little or no context.

With a picture, we've taught him that this animal is a dog. We were amazed when he saw a totally different type of dog and said, "doggie". How did he know THAT was also a dog? It wasn't until later that we realized any animal on all fours was a doggie.

It makes perfect sense. Why wouldn't they be doggies?

I observe Yusuf and his thought process and marvel at just how logical it is.

Little things and little ones

I have been re-reading some old posts and was struck by one in particular, little things. Three years ago I took stock of my life to that point and reflected on how seemingly little things could shape who I was.

Fast forward to December 2009, I can hardly believe that I have two little kids of my own and all that has happened in the last three years. Again, I am taking stock of all the "little things" I have done and thought that have shaped the person who I am and want to be. I am taking stock of the things that are different now and those that are unchanged, trying not to be distracted by what seemed important at the time.

Having kids has changed things so much for me. Not only am I constantly shaping the future Yusuf and Nooriya, but they are shaping me as well. These little ones constantly remind me of what's truly important. They have given me this lens, one that I previously had only glimpsed, to evaluate things in my life. Thanks.

Pehli Raat

Tommorow marks the beginning of Rajab, a month of fasting for me. For a while, I have been dreading the impending fast full of long, long summer days, the abscense of coffee and missed summer lunches in the city.

Today's walk to work, however, brought clarity and I thought about why I fast and why I enjoy this month so much. All the religious fulfillment aside for a moment, this month means a great deal to me. It is valuable time spent re-focusing on my priorities and becoming centered. The last few months have been filled with distractions like work, money and all the other things that seemed important at the time.

I don't know why, but I lose sight of all that I have and have been able to do. This last 7 plus months with Yusuf and Zahra alone have been full of milestones, but what I thought about this morning was potential. Seeing Yusuf and my family grow so much this year has me thinking about all the potential and all the milestones that lie ahead. I am going to spend this next month reflecting about right now and the future. I am going to spend it reflecting about all the potential I have right in front of me and before me. I am going to spend it thinking about my family and what it means to have have a balanced life.

Family Chorus

Last night Z and i sat on the couch, enjoying a worry/study/work/chore/obligation free evening watching some mind numbing TV. We sat close and in our usual spots on our familiar couch. I sat blocking out everything. I could hear and feel my heartbeat, my breathing, Z's heartbeat, Z's breating, the baby's heartbeat and the baby's hiccups rythmically pulsing in perfect harmony.

Studying

When history depends on the future, things have a tendency to become confusing - Charles McClenehan FCAS, ASA, MAAA

I'll say Chuck. Hopefully this is the last time.

Risk etc.

I'm back...
Just a couple of interesting (in the mind of the beholder?) topics of study that I've come across...

The so called St. Petersburg Paradox is an interesting problem. It is where probability and economics come together. This problem attempts to value the marginal, the additional, the extra. The value is widely thought of as utility.

Economics makes use of the word 'utility'. That word is loaded, and the interpretation can lead to different places. It is interesting to me that fundamental economics depends on this interpretation. Relating this to Aqa Moula's noorani kalemo, I attempt to very very loosely paraphrase Aqa Moula's Chelum vaas, "benefit should be taken from wealth". I'm not sure what my point is, but I'd love to hear any thoughts you have.

Another thing I came across,
Bodie, Kane, and Marcus define gambling as 'the assumption of risk for the enjoyment of risk' and they define speculation as 'the assumption of risk in spite of risk for a perceived favorable risk-return trade-off'
A fine line if you ask me. Again no real point, but I'd love to hear any thoughts.

Semantics?

Racist, Prejudice, Opinionated, Associations. Is there a difference?

I've come across this project, implicit. They set out to see what people associate with different topics, types of people, and things. You can find general information about the project here. They have gathered a ton of data and use it to make conclusions about culture and society and their influences on our sub-consciousness.

The conclusions that they draw are eye-opening and their 'data' is substantial and convincing. I haven't taken the implicit test. In part because I don't know how much credence I give to the test and in part because I am afraid of what the results might be.

Proceed at your own risk.

Fast Friends

Five and a half years post-ZP. It started as romantic as I could have imagined; across the world, unexpected, and with its own obstacles. Instant attraction (at least from me) and a certain amount of wooing. It was difficult, but easy at the same time. Falling in love was easy, and having it happen in a story book way made it so perfect.

I think back to those first few months and wonder what it was that I fell in Love with? I enjoyed the time we spent together and we connected so often and easily...but what did I LOVE? I think it was part physical attraction and part loving what I thought those parts of ZP's identity I didn't know about yet could be. That unknown was exciting.

Fast forward to today. The attraction is still most definitely there, but those unknowns aren't. And the certainty is glorious. Take away the attraction, and what's left is my best friend. The best friend I could have ever imagined, the part that is not in story books but should be.

Your best friend ZP,
Taher

Little things

I've been thinking how it's little decisions snowball and can really shape your life, who you are, and what you become. We make small decisions almost daily because of or inspite of fear. I look back on the last several years and, at least in my personal experience, can identify overcoming and succumbing to little fears that have really shaped the person I am today.

One example among many is namaz. At some point many years ago, I was afraid (at least on some level) to do namaz outside of a mumin's sanctuary. But then one day, I gathered the courage to do pray in a public place. I must admit, I was probably nervous, anxious and rushed through all the neccesary arkans only doing the bare minimum of namaz. As before, I again found myself out during namaz time and found it just a little bit easier to do namaz in public...this happened again and again. And now, I carry a compass whereever I go, do namaz without hesitation, without care of my surroundings (and I don't mean to worry you ZP). Now, it's as if I can not miss namaz.

This is one fear I could have easily succumbed to and made a habit of not praying on time or not praying at all. I ask myself if my actions or some innate religiousness are the cause or the effect...a classic what came first, the chicken or the egg case [feel free to make fun of MA, I won't erase the comments]. There have been many small paths I've taken in my youth to bring me where I am right now, and it's important to realize there are still those little things almost everyday.

PD

NERDS ONLY PLEASE!

Reading is...

FUNDAMENTAL

This weekend, I've had the wonderful company of a very bright four and a half year old. It has been amazing just observing. She seems to learn so much everyday, and everyday is a milestone, like a mini-graduation. I am sure every kid on the planet goes through this at some point in their lives, but to me, that makes it all the more amazing.

The coolest thing by far is watching her read. What age do you learn to read anyway? Words are so familiar, second nature and just done without thinking....if there are words in your field of vision you read them, just can't help it. I feel like I was born knowing how to read, I can't imagine learning to read.

Watching her sound out words, big words, is just amazing....I see a 7 letter word, and that's it. It stands alone, just a symbol etched into my memory...she sees it as the sum of all it's parts, each letter a sound and each word she figures out is an epiphany for her. A little victory. So amazing to watch...what it must feel like to have that kind of mental growth so often.

It's so crappy that you can never fully appreciate what you have.

Photos

I was watching my favorite news source, FoxNews, and sawthis piece. I watched thinking, are you serious? Could someone really spend their life researching the way people are smiling in pictures? Spend years analyzing the way eyebrows look and the crookedness of lips. ABSURD! And to what end?

To realize that if you're happy now you're more likely to be happy in the future.

I could have told you that.

Staying power

"Where are we going?"
"To the airport"
"Can I come too?"
"YES!"
"Where are you going?"
"Chicago"
"Can I come too?"
"YES!"

9 letter words

Terrorism. The operative word that is like a cloud over this country, me, and my life. I can only wonder the ways that my life would have been if not for this word. It is everywhere. After the elections, I read this poem and was moved.

I lift my voice aloud,
make Mantra of American language now,
I here declare the end of the War!
Let the States tremble,
let the Nation weep,
let Congress legislate its own delight
let the President execute his own desire--
this Act done by my own voice,
published to my own senses,
blissfully received by my own form
approved with pleasure by my sensations
manifestation of my very thought
accomplished in my own imagination
all realms within my consciousness fulfilled

Communism. Another 9 letter word. If I was born in a different time how would things have been different?

cheeky

Well it was a fun weekend at N.E.R.D, I'm officially a member. Along with the other 1,000 or so in attendance plus the Microsoft conference happening in the same hotel it may have been the highest concentration of geeks in glasses this side of the Mississippi (and yes I wore my glasses).

The conference got underway with a motivational speaker, Joey Cheeks, an olympic speed skater. After finding out who the speaker was, I was thrilled. I just couldn't wait to hear what wisdom this speed skater from North Carolina who is a couple years younger than me could impart and the motivation he would provide. Oh, plus I was just dying to hear all the great sport cliches (note the sarcasm). But I was pleasantly surprised. His thoughts very much echoed exactly what it was that I was feeling going into the week. Why do all this work? For what? His story was very different, but very much the same.

He talked about his years of training growing up and moving away from home to skate and be coached by the best. He talked about all the years spent preparing, the countless hours spent training on the ice and in the gym. All the people along the way who helped him get there. His coaches, his parents, a nutritionist, a sports pyscologist, a team of rocket scientists who designed a suit that cost $15k. All this time and effort to finally make it to the olympics and spend 30 seconds competing...all those years of preparing, a life spent focused on one thing...and only to be over in 30 seconds. In the end he was just, "a grown man in tights skating in circles." He spent all this time building up the story and then made you see that reaching his goal is not the most important thing to him.

I really felt like he was talking to me and it gave me some much needed perspective. I've spent so much time and had the support of so many people along the way; I've been working so hard I forgot to ask myself what is really important. It was good to be reminded that it is far better to be signficant than to be successful.

Finally!

After what seems like an eternity of studying a bit of recognition this weekend. This weekend is the beginning of the annual Actuarial (N.E.R.D) conference in sunny California. This will be my first conference and my induction into the society.

I have spent countless hours in what has been a blur of studying and test-aking over the last four and a half years. I have never put so much effort towards anything...and this weekend I'm getting recognized for being ALMOST done. I have been thinking, has it been worth it? Will it have been worth it to have given up a large part of my 20s to get a couple lousy letters after my name that only 5 non-actuaries worldwide will know the significance of (plus or minus 3 people).

There are so many other things I could have been doing during that time, namely spending with my family and Zahra and other things for which there is never ENOUGH time. Time I can never get back. So many other pursuits given up.

I am a firm believer in the philosophy 'use your time now doing what's important' and though I respect the 'work hard now to enjoy later' camp, I can't understand them and would not want to be one of them. But am I one of them? Why spend all this time and energy on this? I don't really know the answers to these questions and it has been bugging me...but for now, I think I will just enjoy this weekend.

Hiatus

Wow, it's been a while.

For the first time in a while my mind feels free to wander and think about things not actuarial. I love learning and that is what drives me to study, but sometimes it's like a prison, stuck to the same thoughts and no mental energy to devote to anything else.

I have this new mental freedom, the best kind of freedom and I'm taking advantage of it. This freedom feels so new; I had forgotten what it felt like. I am in awe of this feeling and am going to hold on to it.

Neither here nor there

Both personal and professional lives are full of compromise. It’s everyday. The middle-ground always seems to be moving…well, away from the middle.

I anagram, I

Twelve plus One = Eleven plus Two
12 + 1 = 11 + 2