Door

I've been working for a while now and it amazes me now that sometimes the value I bring is just being there.  It's nice to be valued, but it still seems strange.  I've had a colleague who liked to say, "Change is inevitable.  Progress is optional".  This value from little other than experience is a change.  It's progress.

I've been a parent for a while now too.  I don't always feel valued by the kids:)  It might come later, but it's not really important.  Things are definitely changing though.  I think we've all heard something like when one door closes a window opens or some annoying bright-side-of-every-situation-type phrase.

Things are changing.  The kids are changing.  Not all at once, but they've entered this new stage.  They're older.  Nooriya is learning to drive.  I get to teach her:)  She's so excited.  It's wonderful.  My value is simply being the passenger.  I don't really do anything.  Last night Yusuf went out to a friend's house after Zahra and I went to bed.  My value will be to simply be here and listen to him tell me about something from his night.

Tonight Zahra and I are going out and the kids have their own separate plans.  It's not the first time, but things are definitely changing.  It's becoming more normal.  Another door is closing...

Taher, things are changing.  They will change again.  Taher, choose progress.

High School

I went back to my high school to see Nooriya’s gymnastics meet. It has been 25 years since I was in that building. A lot is different there, but it still brought back a lot of memories. There is stuff I remember that I didn’t even realize I remember. 

I don’t remember high school as the best time. Actually, thinking of high school as being the best time of your life is kinda sad.  It was complicated like I’m guessing it is for everyone. I wasn’t the sports guy. I wasn’t the smartest usually. I wasn’t the most popular or the most talented either. 

Somehow I was nice to people most of the time and that worked really well. I definitely didn’t have it figured out. I couldn’t articulate it. I wasn’t just kinda lucky that I was nice to people. 

Until today I didn’t really realize that I was nice and kind then and that was the reason high school was as good as it was. I can articulate it now. Being nice and kind works at this age and I’m glad I can articulate it now and strive for it. 

Taher, be nice and kind. It will probably still work in 25 years. 

Small

Life can be rough.  Duniya kind of stinks.  Stuff happens all the time that sucks.  It is easy to focus on that.

Everyday, though, there are all these little moments of joy or happiness.  These moments of beauty are everywhere.  They happen all the time and many are just too small or too mundane to appreciate.  Why not appreciate them?  Things like a person smiling at you, a friendly hello, someone making space so you can change lanes, or someone holding the door.

This small stuff happens everyday.

This makes me think of the riwayat of rasulallah asking people he was with to gather fire wood in the desert.  They all didn't think there was enough, but it piled up when people accumulated the small amounts.

There's small amounts of happiness everywhere and everyday.  We can pile it up.

Taher, notice the small.  Taher, do those small things.  Someone else may pile those up.

Legacy

Life is short though it may not always seem like that.  It has a way of seeming even shorter when looking back.  Kids grow up and things change.  You have milestones and low points.  Those seem to be the memories that stick.  

The other day dad came over and told me the story of when he first got to the USA.  I'd heard it before, but I love watching him tell it.  It was the 60 year mark.  He made his way to Minneapolis.  There was a snow storm and his connecting flight was cancelled.  He was being hosted by a family he'd never seen for a few days in rural Minnesota.  A bunch of them had all come to the airport to receive him only to not have him arrive.

My dad got bumped to a later flight.  It was 60 years ago so he had no way of letting them know.  The family all left, except for the dad.  He stayed back.  And was miraculously there to meet my dad, all by himself; a foreigner in a strange place.

They eventually drove the 1.5 hours back to their farm where at 11 pm the whole family had waited to eat dinner.  The mom went to the library and researched what would be ok to eat.  She prepared the meal and assured my dad that there was no pork in anything.  After dinner, the dad showed my dad to his room.  He even pointed and said Mecca is that way.  He even figured out which way qibla was!  

Part of this family's legacy is my dad and his story.  Wow!

At this point, my dad silently reflected on 60 years of life since.  He thought about his legacy I imagine.

Then the mood changed.  My dad talked about this picture on his desk.  It's a picture I know well.  It's a picture of his whole family on the day he left.   Everyone gathered.  Going on a plane, let alone to the US was a big deal then.

A new part of the story developed.  There are 19 people standing with my dad.  He noted that all 19 people had passed away and even 2 of the seated kids had passed away.

Taher, remember that your legacy is bigger than you and do things that you'll be proud of when you think about your legacy.

Lyric

This a favorite lyric of mine.  It's a mid 90's song that was fun to listen to and then something more.  The song goes,

And soon if we're lucky we'd be unable to tell
What's yours and mine

I had thought this was cool and up until this day I thought this was just about me and Zahra.  

Today is a heavy day.  It's simply sad in a lot of ways.  It is probably one of many sad days to come.  This lyric is now about something more than the relationship between two lucky people.  I think it's really about stages in life.  They pass and then somehow they become unrecognizable.  One day Zahra and I weren't together and now we are.  The before doesn't seem real.  Once we didn't have kids and then we did.  The before doesn't seem real.  Stuff will happen in life and the before will be unreal.  Sometimes we'll be lucky and sometimes we will not be lucky, but there will be change.  There will be a before. 

Perhaps, I'm reading into this far more than the author intended.  Perhaps, the lyrics really are that deep.  I like to think this depth just snuck into a pop song.

Taher, there will be an after.

Margin

I'm thinking about the plan.  There is a plan.  It's just not the one I made.  It's better and I don't see it.  I don't know what it is.  No one can.  That's the thing.  "Unexpected" stuff happens all the time.  It's part of the plan though.  

We're not helpless though.  We can do things and at the same time the things we do are part of the plan.  Stuff will happen and it's not "unexpected".  When something is important there needs to be space for the "unexpected".  If Zahra or Yusuf or Nooriya says, I will meet you in the mud room at 6:50, it's imperative that I'm there and ready.  I want them to rely on me.  6:50 doesn't mean 6:52.  It's not leave as little time as possible for all the steps so that it ends at 6:50.  Things never go exactly as you think they should.  6:50 doesn't just happen.

Life doesn't go exactly as you think it should.  The "unexpected" happens.  It's supposed to and things get in the way.  Plan for things to not go exactly as you think.  When you do that, you know it's important.  It can be the other way around too.  If you know it's important, plan for things not to go exactly as you think.

Taher, things don't go exactly as you think they should, but they go exactly to plan.  Leave a margin for the stuff you know is important to go the way you want.

Too Easy

I recently learned about something in the brain.  It is when things are procedural or too easy we lose out in the long-term.  I thought the title "Too Easy" was very apt.  I thought of another post I had written back in a few months ago and later came to learn I had coincidentally named it "Hard".

In it, I recalled something Moula tells us.  There is a lot of sawab in doing wazu with cold water at fajr.  Back in when I wrote the post, another layer became clear to me.  There's a lot of benefit in doing the hard thing.

No surprise that some research confirms what Moula's wisdom is telling us.  It is specific, but at the same time the thought can be broadened.  

I'm learning about Block Learning vs Interleaving.  In short, block learning is doing something over and over using the same method or learning by procedure.  Think formula.  Things work only if something fits the formula.  This is true when learning a math equation or practicing chess all day or very specific or narrow domain knowledge.  This leads to wins and observable progress in the short-term.  It comes at the expense of the long-term though.  The opposite is interleaving.  Think concepts.  This is frustrating and often leads to frustration and lack of observable results.  This is stickier.  This kind of learning is harder, but objectively better.  This is strongly correlated with learning to do lots of things; it is related to gaining knowledge in multiple domains.  Most of the best athletes, musicians, other artists, and academics practice this kind of learning.

There's a lesson here.  Whether it's parenting, sabaq, hosting, school, work, or any of many other things, we might not be able see the payoff, but it's there.  That's maybe the point too.  We often can't see and just have to trust.

Taher, do the hard thing.

Cornbread

Yesterday Yusuf and Nooriya cooked everything.  Another time to be in the backseat and just enjoy.  I was the helper.  It made me feel so good.  I love seeing them both come into their own more and more.  I'm getting used to this new stage of parenting and doing less.

Everything tasted great.  Not great because my kids made it; it was just great.  There was one thing with the food that was unintentional and made for a great memory.  Nooriya was making mashed potatoes and cornbread.  At meal time, she mixed up the two and served the cornbread batter as the mashed potatoes.  

Everyone took some.  It looked delicious and just like mashed potatoes.  We started and one by one people got to the potatoes and said stuff like, "did you accidentally put sugar in the potatoes?", "why is it sweet?", "is it supposed to taste like dessert?".

We got to spend more time with dad yesterday which was wonderful.  He's still teaching.  He took some cornbread and insisted that it was great.  He didn't care.  He ate everything.  He was present and he enjoyed the moment.  He was maybe in a different stage of grandparenting.  He was doing less and being there more!

Taher, do less sometimes, but be there more.  Taher, remember your priorities.

Happiness

Money can’t buy you happiness. Happiness is maybe more complicated than that. There’s a lot to it probably. 

There is definitely a relationship between money and happiness. Money buying happiness is probably the wrong way to frame it though. A more helpful way to thinking about the two is to simply frame the relationship differently. Money doesn’t buy happiness; it can only mitigate unhappiness. And up to a point.

After that point it doesn’t matter much at all. This framing puts the focus on the other stuff. The other stuff like relationships with people and quality of interactions and attitude are where we can focus. These things are often in competition with money in some way. They’re also the things that are often most in our own control. 

Taher, focus on the right things. The right things don’t include money.

Niyat

There’s lots of interactions everyday.

One yesterday stands out. It was after vaas. Moula was padahring just past. Everyone was seated and doing deedar. It was nice and relatively calm for a Moula situation. Everyone was able to do deedar and thamakun sey.

And then a few seconds in one dude in the front stood up. He was very quickly followed by several people around him standing. And then more people. It was like a wave. I could feel myself and a few around me groaning collectively and I remember thinking, “SERIOUSLY!?”.

I stubbornly stayed seated thinking this is the adab thing to do. Then everyone was standing around me and I had to stand out of safety. Again I thought, “SERIOUSLY?!”.  I have to get up and do what’s not adab right now. 

I thought, not immediately I admit, what was this guy’s niyat?  Was it to annoy me?  Very very very likely not. He just wanted to see moula. All those other people probably did too. I have the insane naseeb to be annoyed. I get to go in so many situations where I get to be close to Moula and have his nazr. Alhamdolillah!

This is just one example, but annoying stuff happens all the time everyday. People’s niyat is almost always good. 

Moula repeated three times one my favorite things he says, “wa lad deen ilul hoob”. There is no deen without love. It has a new layer today. Love people’s niyat. That’s part of deen. 

Taher, look at people’s niyat. It is almost always good. Love that. 

Chill

The more I learn the more it becomes clear that stuff doesn’t matter as much as it seems in almost every case. 

So much we’re instructed to do begins with “thamakun sey” [fill in the blank].  

Just relax!  Relax while you eat. Relax while you do namaz. Relax when you do tasbee at the end of namaz. Relax when you work. Relax when you sleep. Relax when you dream. 

In fact, have a passion for relaxing. Relax and appreciate the world. Appreciating the world is ibadaat. 

Work hard at relaxing. When that person or thing annoys you that’s the way it’s supposed to go. Relax and let what’s coming come. It’ll come to pass regardless. 

Taher, just relax!  You’ll get what’s coming to you and it’ll be better if you’re relaxed to receive it. 

Twice

The day has its twists and turns. It plays out and is done once it’s done. We have one body.

It’s an opportunity though. We can each live the day twice. Each day we can live the day and each night we can think about how we would have wanted to spend the day. It’s like a big do-over. It’ll probably lead to better sleep too😁

We are “prisoners” to our bodies I suppose. We have the choice to be angry that we are here or take a different view and mark time in days until…Either way we’re stuck until we “get out”. 

Taher, be a better prisoner. Each day has a second chance. 

Trust

This is post mostly advice for me to read later. 

What do you see when you look at people?Don’t be surprised. They are exactly who they are supposed to be. Trust that they are. Trust them. Give it away just like love. 

Trust people. Sometimes they might not come through and you will get burned. They aren’t supposed to always come through. That’s why trust is so hard. 

The alternative is don’t trust or trust slowly even. You will still get burned. You won’t realize it though. People would come through and you won’t know. It’s lonely. 

Taher, trust people.  People do what they’re supposed to. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. 

Blame

So much good or bad happens in our lives. Some clearly good. Some clearly bad. And much that’s a matter of perspective. That’s the part that makes life one or the other. 

It can be tempting to blame someone else or even something else for stuff and the result is it’s bad. The same is true of the good. Blame may not be the right word for that. 

Blame is the wrong view. No one is to blame. They were just doing what they were supposed to do. Expecting something else is foolish. Why blame the water for being wet?

Taher, don’t look for blame. It’s foolish. 

Consequence

Rewards aren't usually linear.  They aren't something to strive for either.  They are more of a consequence.  Good deeds have a consequence.  The reward may or may not come as you comprehend.  If  you help a person or feed someone they may not reciprocate.  That doesn't mean it won't come back to you and yours in some way.

It's a bit silly to think there's a reward.  Humans were made in large part to help each other.  The eye is made to see, but we don't expect a reward when it does.  The legs were made to walk.  We don't expect a reward when they bring us from one place to another.  

Taher, there is a consequence to helping and giving.  You may not be able to understand what it is.

Proud

The other day we went out together.  I was driving. Yusuf got out before me and he’s faster than me. I was ~10 seconds behind. I saw a woman being dropped off at the door.  She seemed to have some sort of health issue that required her to be dropped off.  I rushed to hold the door for her.  About 2 seconds in, I realized Yusuf noticed and waited by the door for a good 5 seconds.  He waited for her and held the door.  It was a small act, but it made me so proud.

Nooriya started high school.  She also just got her misaq.  Of her own accord she decided to begin wearing rida full time as soon as she got her misaq.  It's hard being a teenager period.  It's hard being in a new school.  It's hard being a teenage girl.  It's hard being different, especially at 14.  There was nothing easy about this.  It's hard at any age to make this decision.  She wears it with such confidence.  I'm in awe.  I'm sure that there are difficult days and I'm sure that it's tough.  It is a large act and it makes me so proud.

Yusuf and Nooriya do things big and small all the time that make me so proud.  They are their own people and they deserve credit for the things they do and don't do.  That's what makes me so proud.  They did/do it and deserve it.  I also am proud that they're connected to me.  I know I don't deserve credit and I don't want it, but I realize that I shouldn't get zero credit either.  They are watching and they've been watching.

Taher, don't forget that the kids are still watching good or bad.

Shade

This week Michelle Obama spoke.  It was inspirational.  I watched it twice.  There were parts that were political and relevant right now.  That wasn't the inspiring part.

She spoke about her mom and the generations that came before.  It was personal and emotional.  The inspiring part that I want to remember and remind myself is that she spoke about families and generations and the perspective of a longer sense of time.  What was inspiring to me was that payoff will come eventually.  It is not a steady and linear path.  It might be a bumpy road and not a straight line to get to the payoff.  Be confident that the payoff will come.  I just may not be around to see it.

It was never mentioned in the speech, but it reminded me of the proverb to, "...plant trees in whose shade you shall never sit in".  

Taher, you are enjoying the shade others are responsible for. 

Taher, plant trees.  Taher, if doing it is good for Zahra, Yusuf, or Nooriya do it and let them and the next generation enjoy the shade.

Sitting in the back

I don't get to experience many firsts anymore.  Most of my firsts over the past 16+ years have been vicarious firsts that I got to observe.  I got to be part of Yusuf's and Nooriya's firsts.  I had my own milestone yesterday.  It was the first time I sat in the back of the car with Zahra and the kids sat in front.

I've been in the passenger seat when Yusuf is driving.  It's somehow easier to let go in the passenger seat.  It's like I'm still part of the driving.  My counsel on driving is received well mostly and I'm still teaching.  It's somehow easier to be more measured and not say stuff.  Sitting in the back was different.  It was hard not to say anything.  I could see myself "helping" and at the same time in my mind I knew that was not the right and needed thing.

I thought there's a bigger lesson here.  It's just as important to not be in the "passenger seat" as it is to not be in the "driver's seat" sometimes.  It's helpful for the other person to grow and learn.  It's hard, but sit in the back and enjoy the ride.

Taher, the view is changing.  Get comfortable sitting in the back.

Share

This past week I gave my coworkers a presentation about being Bohra and talked about my topi. It was very 101. It was good for me to try to articulate the basics. It was important to articulate it well to the audience and maybe just as important to put some things into words for myself. It’s easy to forget the “why” after doing something for so long. It just becomes routine. Articulating the “why” makes it fresh. 

I know Bohra 101 better than I know almost everything. However, I was more nervous doing this than anything I’ve done in a long time. I saw the downside very clearly. If I mess this up people could really take a skewed view of what’s so important to me and I felt like I had this one chance to get it right. It went great. I even recorded it and love that I can share it further. The nervousness translated and was obvious, but it came across as vulnerable and genuine. 

It was so well received and I got a lot of positive feedback. I felt really good afterwards. It felt so good to share. I was afraid people wouldn’t care. I was wrong. 

Taher, find the opportunity to share when the time is right. It feels really good and people do care. 

Ziyafat

I was able to do a ziyafat this year. I went for tahkmeen and the amount I was hoping for was not nearly enough. I saw that it was a higher number, hesitated for a moment, and then said “me kay na kay karees”.  Basically, I thought and said I’ll figure it out.  

I was able to secure one additional pass. I thought about who to give it to and immediately I thought of my khaka’s son. His dad did a lot for my dad and my cousin in turn holds my parents in high regard very much as a result. I also thought how I want my kids to benefit from this as much as possible. 

It dawned on me that me wanting to give this to my cousin was a result of his dad doing stuff. In this very pay it forward kind of way my cousin was receiving something years after my khaka passed away and likely because of my khaka. 

Taher, don’t hesitate. Give it and figure it out. Yusuf and Nooriya will benefit years later in many ways you can’t even think of.