Happy List

I usually am not a fan of self-help style lists. I really liked this one. I wanted to put it here and remember it. I edited it a little for brevity, but didn’t change it. 

Taher, read this once in a while. It’s a good reminder. 

11 habits that will make you happier than 98% of people:

1. Take Care of Your Health

You only get one mind and one body.  Both must last you a lifetime.  Without it, you have nothing.

2. Give Sincere Appreciation

Practice gratitude daily.  It helps you keep things in perspective.

3. Pay it Forward

Studies show random acts of kindness improve well-being.

You can practice paying it forward by:

• Holding the door for someone

• Picking up trash outside

• Giving a compliment

One simple action can alter the trajectory of your day.

4. Choose Optimism

But in the long run, optimists are the ones who live a life they’re proud of.

5. Reduce Your Wants

It is not the man who has too little that is poor.

6. Don't Compare Yourself to Others

Comparison is the thief of joy.  Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.

7. Ignore the Nonessential

There is always a new opportunity or distraction available.  But in the long run, it will be those who can stay focused on what’s most important who will be most successful.

8. Constantly Read

A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies.Books give you access to the: 

• Thoughts

• Stories

• Philosophies 

of those who came before you.

9. Prioritize Growth

There is no such thing as stagnant.  A 1% improvement in a day is a 3,700% improvement in a year.

10. Write Daily 

Putting your thoughts on paper forces you to organize them.  If you lack understanding, it will expose gaps in your thinking.  Use writing to sharpen your thinking and increase your brainspace.

11. Practice Meditation 

Take 10 minutes a day to be present and observe your thoughts.

Random

I was able to do a random act of kindness this morning. I came to Panera after a busy morning to get some coffee. I noticed that there were no paper towels in the bathroom. Something the guy washing his hands would find out momentarily. I stepped out to quickly get a stack of napkins to give some to him and leave for the next person. It was small, but it made me feel good. The universe even rewarded me it seems with some free coffee later😁

The opportunity presented itself and doing something kind made me feel good. It turned my busy, not-so-wonderful morning into a nice morning.

Taher, look for the opportunity to do something kind. The opportunities are out there. It makes you feel good. 

Response

There’s a nuance to control. There’s nuance to freedom and fate. Freedom and fate can be viewed as contradictory. I don’t think that’s right. They are circular and humans just can’t understand them. We can choose our response. 

Viktor Frankl is a holocaust survivor. It’s unimaginable what he went through and dealt with. Despite all that he had seen, he believed there’s a choice. 

He said, “Between the stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space lies our freedom and power to choose our responses. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” A reaction is almost instinctual and doesn’t use one of our greatest gifts, thought. Think then respond.

Taher, respond don’t react.

Top 5

Yusuf and Nooriya, this whole blog is for you and Zahra.  This post is specifically for you.

You both inspire me in different ways.  That has helped shape the way I act.  You're both teenagers and somehow how I behave seems more important.  I don't actually know.  That's probably important at most ages.  These teen years seem formative in a way other ages weren't.  I was thinking about that recently and how to articulate my behavior came in to clearer focus for me recently.

It's my goal to be in your top 5 later in life.  When you count on your one hand I want to be included in a couple of things.  I want to be in your top 5 friends.  I want to be in your top 5 role models.  I want to be in the top 5 people you love most.  I want to be in your top 5 good influences.  I want to be in your top 5 best people. 

Taher, do it if it gets you closer to being in the top 5.

Equanimity

I've known this word for a while.  I just recently looked it up when I was trying to articulate what it meant.  I always thought it meant something I would describe as being cool.  I really like this word after looking it up.  The definition I found was mental calmness especially in a difficult situation.

This motivates me to have this quality more.  My mind could always be calmer, especially when it's a stressful situation.  People around notice and imitate the reactions they see.  Help normalize calm.

Taher, keep you cool and be mentally calm.  Remember the kids are watching; set an example.

Give it away

A key to happiness is to be around happy people. The people who surround us shape us.  Moula gives us wise counsel to pick your company carefully. If the people around you are happy that’s good for your happiness. Happiness is circular that way. 

This is why it’s so important to make others happy. Especially those around you. If you have happiness, give it to others. It’ll come back to you. 

Taher, give it away. 

More Jewels

Last year I got a a lot out of waaz. In addition to the many benefits of being there, I retained some simple take aways from last year. They were simple. Be generous, be thankful, and forgive. 

This year like last year was full of depth that’s hard to articulate. The asar is as powerful as it was last year. It’s made the be thankful take away from last year deeper. Simply, shukr isn’t only being happy with what you have it’s wanting more so you can do more. 

I have a couple simple take aways from this year so far. They are love and honesty. Not complicated, but very deep. I look forward to understanding these simple ideas more deeply next year or in the future just as shukr has more dimension for me now.

Taher, be honest. Taher, show love. 

Bad

The last little bit at work has been pretty stressful.  I think that stresses in life will just keep happening.  This work stress will dissipate and whatever I'm dealing with at work will be in the rearview eventually.  There will be another thing that stresses me out after this.  That too will eventually be in the rearview. Then another thing.  That's part of life I think.

I'm looking forward to Ashara this year.  It's coming up and I get to leave all this stuff behind.  It is a nice annual reminder that this life "stuff" isn't so bad.  I had this thought a few years back when I thought something terrible had happened.  Turns out it wasn't so bad.  I want to write this down as a reminder to future me.

Taher, it's not so bad.  Rember this.  It will make you smile every time.

Proud

 We took a road trip this Memorial Day.  That's not different from many other years.  Like many other times I stopped to do namaz.  I've told the kids many times when it's time for namaz we do namaz.  They see me and Zahra do namaz when it's time.  I've mostly been very understanding I think of what's happening and sometimes their priorities are not in the right order in my opinion when it comes to namaz, but they are kids and they are learning and growing like all of us hopefully.

We stopped on the way there and back when it was namaz time.  Both times they did namaz also.  And not because they were told.  They did it because it was namaz time and that's what they saw.  I was very proud.

Taher, don't forget that the kids see.

Connections

I get something more every time Moula does bayan. Today, there was a bayan about Moula Ali and Abizer and a rock. Moula Ali said to Abizer take that rock and Abizer wondered why he would want a rock. He took it following Moula Ali’s words and it turned into gold. Moula told him to only take what he needed to fulfill his promise and not more. Moula did not expand more, but I finally made a connection to another thing Moula has been encouraging us to do. Be mindful of our eating. Consider your appetite and not availability. Be satisfied and stop. It’s a healthier way to eat.  In general, it’s a better way to live. 

Moula also said give whatever you can. It could be just a pencil or a handkerchief or a bite of food.  It doesn’t have to be a big thing. This alone is beautiful. I finally connected it to the Moula Ali story. Abizer didn’t see the value of what Moula Ali said and then he did. Moula is telling us to give. We might not understand, but we may one day. 

Taher, take what you need and give whatever you can. 

Influence

 Every year in Ramadan I try to focus on one thing. This year it’s influence. 

I’ve heard or read many times in my life “lead by example” or something similar. Usually this is in a work context. It’s usually lead, but what doesn’t really talk about situations where you might not be a leader. 

Recently, I learned more about this thing that happens in our brains called Behavior Contagion. Our actions can be contagious and even change people’s brains. I like to think of this as influencing by example. I am not the best at articulating what I mean even to those small few who are patient enough with me to listen. Learning about this has taught me I don’t need to explain. Just do. 

Qualities can be contagious. Patience, honesty, humility, and understanding and can be contagious. I have an opportunity to pass it on. 

Taher, just do. Taher, smile more; it can be contagious. 

Habituation

 I'm learning about this new concept.  Humans have a diminished response to the same stimulus over time.  Things we once might have found new we might not even notice over time.

I was once filled with wonder going on a plane.  There were all these things I didn't understand.  Going on a plane is amazing.  You fly which is awesome.  There is even food on the plane.  One of my favorite memories is Yusuf getting a meal for the first time on a plane as a very little kid and exclaiming, "this is all for me?!".    You can even look out the window and get an amazing, different perspective on the world.  You live in the sky and at the end of it you're somewhere far away.  On vacation or visiting someone or doing something memorable, but almost always something good.

I've done it a few hundred times and now it's not wonderous anymore.  Something can only be wrong.  A flight get's delayed or a bag is late or there might be some other problem.  That's so sad.  I'm so used to it that I don't feel wonder, only possibly annoyed.

Taher, habituation probably happens all the time.  Remember the wonder.  Don't get so used to things that you don't notice the amazingness everyday.

Together

I’m reading a cool book about black holes. The book, like much of astronomy books, tries to put things into perspective that our brains can comprehend. 

This book did that in an amazing way. It talked about all the effort needed to take a picture of a black hole. The whole world had to cooperate in order to do it. The world had to coordinate a series of telescopes around the world to get a picture that was like, “reading the date off of a quarter in San Francisco from New York City”!  Wow!  Humans are capable of doing amazing things when they cooperate. 

Taher, work with others. Remember Taher, it’s amazing what people can accomplish together. 

One

I make sure to listen to people when they talk about family stuff and things that they say that they may not think anyone is really listening.  Especially at work.  Part of being seen by others is seeing them as well.  One doesn't happen without the other.

As I often do, I sent a note to someone at work to say thank you for doing that thing a while back and added a little something to let them know I was listening to the detail they shared.  It seemed somewhat insignificant.  It must have been important enough to them to mention though.  I got a note back saying their day was made.  I have no idea what they might have been dealing with, but it just took one note to make their day.

Taher, one positive thing is sometimes all it takes.  Say the nice thing.  It might make someone's day.

Representation

Today a young woman was courageous enough to say hi to me when I was taking a break in the kitchen having a snack. She introduced herself and I invited her to sit and join me.  She commented on how cool my topi was and asked if I was muslim.  She also shared that she usually wears her hijab and that she didn't see anyone like her at work.  This made me sad.  Then she asked me if I felt comfortable wearing my topi here and about my journey.  I'm not shy about it, but I usually don't share.  Mostly, I don't think people care that much.  But she asked.  I was happy to share and I told her that I did feel comfortable and my experience at Zurich is that people respect me.

It may have just been my topi or it may have been something more.  Something made this young woman ask me about my journey and considered what I said on her own.  She later emailed me thanking me for the advice.  I shared, but didn't give any:)  I think and hope that she felt a little more seen today.

Taher, be yourself.  Be visible and put yourself out there.  Sometimes that's all it takes for someone else to feel seen.

Regret

There is one instance in my recent memory I wish I had behaved differently.

Not too long ago I was doing namaz in public the way I've done so many times before.  This time was different.  Someone confronted me when I was doing namaz.  I wasn't scared at all.  It wasn't confrontational, but the other person was definitely adversarial.  I was civil and nice enough and I even said, "have a great day" at the end of our interaction.  I regret not being outwardly nicer.  I have thought about what I regret and what I still think about before.  In my head, I was nice, but he didn't know that.  He could have easily interpreted what I thought was pleasant as me being sarcastic when I said, "have a great day".  Mostly, I regret not taking an opportunity to have a good interaction and possibly brighten someone's day.

Taher, learn from this.  It's not enough to think it.  Do it and make it clear.

Kindness

I've often confused the words nice and kind.  They are not the same.  It's important to be kind.  That's easy to know.  It's not so important to be nice.  Being nice often manifests being nice for it to be known by others and being kind is not for others.

This is why it's so important to give without anyone knowing.  It's important to do this.  It's an important takeaway from the mushkeywala riwayat.

Taher, strive to be kind.  Don't strive to be nice.

Word choice

How someone feels when they come to my house matters. I want to be responsible generally for making people feel good. That’s being human. I want very much to have them leave my house with a feeling that they remember. I remember when someone made me feel like that and it left an impression that has lasted years. 

Last night, we had people over and I tripped over my words. My offer of a ride came out as something else. I immediately corrected myself and tried again. I hope they don’t remember my poor word choice. I will unfortunately. I know they won’t leave with that feeling I was going for though😞. 

Taher, word choice matters. Choose your words carefully. 

Pay It Forward

 I heard an interview and part of it was biographical.  The interviewer asked about regret and said something along the lines of "your regrets are a reflection of what you value".

This got me to think about my regrets.  I have one regret that's bugged me for a while.  About 5 years ago, the person in front of me in line at the cafeteria forgot his wallet.  He only realized he couldn't pay when he was ready to go.  He left in a hurry to get his wallet.  I wasn't fast enough to offer to buy his food.  It bugged me that day that I didn’t help out and I still think about it.

Taher, remember what you value.  This is what you regret years later.

Dunkin

I was having a long day and got some afternoon coffee.  My dessert coffee, DD😀.  I saw a man doing Asar namaz in the parking lot.  It looked as if this man had done this many times and it was easy for him.  I've done namaz in public too many times.  It's easy for me now.  It wasn't always.  When I saw him, I felt a bunch of things and mostly felt that that looked hard and he did it anyway.  It was inspiring.  It makes me want to do more good despite being difficult.

Taher, do good even if it's hard.  Someone might see and be inspired to do good.