Memories

I am on vacation again. Alhamdolillah. I saw one of my favorite movies again first thing. It immediately put me in the right headspace. 

It has a line I must have missed the first many times. “Now, we're just here to be memories for our kids.”

This vacation is to make more memories. Mostly good ones I hope. The right memories too. The ones about spending time together and doing things that don’t necessarily cost money and don’t only happen on vacation. Sometimes that means deeni memories. 

It’s day 0.25 and already there are some great memories. I did namaz when it was inconvenient not just for me, but for them to see too. 

Yusuf’s 1st meal in was a memory that makes me so proud. He was super hungry with a plate of food in front of him and decided to go 10 minutes back to the room to get his topi even after I told him it was ok and he should bring it next time. 

Zahra is setting a great example for Nooriya wearing rida everywhere and living her life. The chef saw us and told us what was halal and importantly what has questionable ingredients we should stay away from.  Nooriya chose her outfits and they’re all rida. We’re on a boat with no one we know. She could “take a break”, but she’s not. She’s choosing rida when so many on this boat chose a lot less modestly. I’m so proud of them both. 

I’m so proud of all three. 

Taher, when you do something or anything think to yourself, “will you be proud of the kind of memory is this going to be.”

Easy

Forgiveness is hard.  It's easier to write someone off or some group off.  They did this or that unforgivable thing.  They may have done something big like stealing or something small like interrupting.  They said something mean.  They did something mean.  They even did it on purpose.  

So what?

The easy thing to do is not forgive and remember.  Perhaps it might be easier to write them off.  And perhaps even cast them out.  Maybe they are repeat offenders and the easy thing to do is think, "this is the last straw". 

Moula teaches us that forgiveness is the thing to do.  His response to the worst transgression imaginable was to say my father taught me to forgive.  Pacha laywe.  Me gala lagiwees. This is powerful.  His response is basically bring him here and I'll give him a hug.  What?!

Taher, don't do the easy thing.  Forgive and forget.  It's for you.  Follow Moula's example.

Give

Khuda gives us 40 and we give 1 back to him.  Khuda can do literally anything.  Why didn't we just get 39?

There's a lot to this 1 of 40.  The numbers aren't really that important.  We can count it up and put it in different buckets and get to some other numbers.   An important part is the giving is up to us.  We get to choose to give just like we get to choose to do namaz or any other good thing.

Giving isn't just money.  It's trust.  It's love.  It's happiness.  It's opportunity.  It's kindness.

Money does seem like the hardest to give.  It gets easier to give money the more you do it.  It's hard every time though.  Giving is easier when we internalize that money isn't ours to begin with.  Khuda gives it to us.

The thing is that giving to good things always comes back to the giver.  It's hardest with money because it's not necessarily a straight line or even observable, but it always does come back.

Taher, giving money is hard.  Do it.  It will come back to you.

Abundance

Two focuses things this Ramadan.  Lots of time after fajr :)

I also want to focus on abundance.  It's plenty adjacent.  There's a concept that we have an "abundance set point".  It's pretty cool.  It's our brain realizing what is enough.  We get to establish that baseline.  If we can get there, we have a good chance of being happy.

What's really cool is that we can shift this point in our mind.  A positive mind-set inherently believes there's plenty to go around and lowers this "set point".  It's not a coincidence that optimists are happier and live longer.  With this mindset, experiences are fuller and opportunities are perceived differently.  Not much is truly in our control, but this is.

An abundance mind set is more than just being optimistic, though that's certainly part of it.  It is believing that there is enough for everyone and helping others to see that.  It is understanding that there's endless opportunities.  Let rozu remind you that khuda is capable of giving you and everyone endless rewards.

Taher, you are at this abundance point now.  Just get your brain to catch up by helping others see that too.

Plenty

Every year in Ramadan I try to focus on one thing. This year it’s abundance.  Roza will help remind me that I have a lot.  Having a lot isn't bad, but having too much is.

I think this is an economics idea at it's root.  The idea is called the Paradox of Plenty.  It's basically when a country with a lot of resources has a worse economic outcome than those countries with few resources.  The basic idea is that a country with a lot doesn't develop organically and this is referred to as the "resource curse".  

The idea of Paradox of Plenty seems to apply much more broadly.  It is the restlessness that comes with too much choice.  It creates the illusion of control.  It seems logical that the more we have and can decide would translate into more empowerment and more control of our environment.  That's not right.  Stuff happens, both good and bad, and you can't control it. Stoicism ties in here I think.  A tenet of stoicism is understanding that things around you will happen and they're supposed to.  You control your mind and nothing else.

Taher, be content without plenty.  Being content isn't settling for less.  Rather it's realizing what you have.

Door

I've been working for a while now and it amazes me now that sometimes the value I bring is just being there.  It's nice to be valued, but it still seems strange.  I've had a colleague who liked to say, "Change is inevitable.  Progress is optional".  This value from little other than experience is a change.  It's progress.

I've been a parent for a while now too.  I don't always feel valued by the kids:)  It might come later, but it's not really important.  Things are definitely changing though.  I think we've all heard something like when one door closes a window opens or some annoying bright-side-of-every-situation-type phrase.

Things are changing.  The kids are changing.  Not all at once, but they've entered this new stage.  They're older.  Nooriya is learning to drive.  I get to teach her:)  She's so excited.  It's wonderful.  My value is simply being the passenger.  I don't really do anything.  Last night Yusuf went out to a friend's house after Zahra and I went to bed.  My value will be to simply be here and listen to him tell me about something from his night.

Tonight Zahra and I are going out and the kids have their own separate plans.  It's not the first time, but things are definitely changing.  It's becoming more normal.  Another door is closing...

Taher, things are changing.  They will change again.  Taher, choose progress.

High School

I went back to my high school to see Nooriya’s gymnastics meet. It has been 25 years since I was in that building. A lot is different there, but it still brought back a lot of memories. There is stuff I remember that I didn’t even realize I remember. 

I don’t remember high school as the best time. Actually, thinking of high school as being the best time of your life is kinda sad.  It was complicated like I’m guessing it is for everyone. I wasn’t the sports guy. I wasn’t the smartest usually. I wasn’t the most popular or the most talented either. 

Somehow I was nice to people most of the time and that worked really well. I definitely didn’t have it figured out. I couldn’t articulate it. I wasn’t just kinda lucky that I was nice to people. 

Until today I didn’t really realize that I was nice and kind then and that was the reason high school was as good as it was. I can articulate it now. Being nice and kind works at this age and I’m glad I can articulate it now and strive for it. 

Taher, be nice and kind. It will probably still work in 25 years. 

Small

Life can be rough.  Duniya kind of stinks.  Stuff happens all the time that sucks.  It is easy to focus on that.

Everyday, though, there are all these little moments of joy or happiness.  These moments of beauty are everywhere.  They happen all the time and many are just too small or too mundane to appreciate.  Why not appreciate them?  Things like a person smiling at you, a friendly hello, someone making space so you can change lanes, or someone holding the door.

This small stuff happens everyday.

This makes me think of the riwayat of rasulallah asking people he was with to gather fire wood in the desert.  They all didn't think there was enough, but it piled up when people accumulated the small amounts.

There's small amounts of happiness everywhere and everyday.  We can pile it up.

Taher, notice the small.  Taher, do those small things.  Someone else may pile those up.

Legacy

Life is short though it may not always seem like that.  It has a way of seeming even shorter when looking back.  Kids grow up and things change.  You have milestones and low points.  Those seem to be the memories that stick.  

The other day dad came over and told me the story of when he first got to the USA.  I'd heard it before, but I love watching him tell it.  It was the 60 year mark.  He made his way to Minneapolis.  There was a snow storm and his connecting flight was cancelled.  He was being hosted by a family he'd never seen for a few days in rural Minnesota.  A bunch of them had all come to the airport to receive him only to not have him arrive.

My dad got bumped to a later flight.  It was 60 years ago so he had no way of letting them know.  The family all left, except for the dad.  He stayed back.  And was miraculously there to meet my dad, all by himself; a foreigner in a strange place.

They eventually drove the 1.5 hours back to their farm where at 11 pm the whole family had waited to eat dinner.  The mom went to the library and researched what would be ok to eat.  She prepared the meal and assured my dad that there was no pork in anything.  After dinner, the dad showed my dad to his room.  He even pointed and said Mecca is that way.  He even figured out which way qibla was!  

Part of this family's legacy is my dad and his story.  Wow!

At this point, my dad silently reflected on 60 years of life since.  He thought about his legacy I imagine.

Then the mood changed.  My dad talked about this picture on his desk.  It's a picture I know well.  It's a picture of his whole family on the day he left.   Everyone gathered.  Going on a plane, let alone to the US was a big deal then.

A new part of the story developed.  There are 19 people standing with my dad.  He noted that all 19 people had passed away and even 2 of the seated kids had passed away.

Taher, remember that your legacy is bigger than you and do things that you'll be proud of when you think about your legacy.

Lyric

This a favorite lyric of mine.  It's a mid 90's song that was fun to listen to and then something more.  The song goes,

And soon if we're lucky we'd be unable to tell
What's yours and mine

I had thought this was cool and up until this day I thought this was just about me and Zahra.  

Today is a heavy day.  It's simply sad in a lot of ways.  It is probably one of many sad days to come.  This lyric is now about something more than the relationship between two lucky people.  I think it's really about stages in life.  They pass and then somehow they become unrecognizable.  One day Zahra and I weren't together and now we are.  The before doesn't seem real.  Once we didn't have kids and then we did.  The before doesn't seem real.  Stuff will happen in life and the before will be unreal.  Sometimes we'll be lucky and sometimes we will not be lucky, but there will be change.  There will be a before. 

Perhaps, I'm reading into this far more than the author intended.  Perhaps, the lyrics really are that deep.  I like to think this depth just snuck into a pop song.

Taher, there will be an after.

Margin

I'm thinking about the plan.  There is a plan.  It's just not the one I made.  It's better and I don't see it.  I don't know what it is.  No one can.  That's the thing.  "Unexpected" stuff happens all the time.  It's part of the plan though.  

We're not helpless though.  We can do things and at the same time the things we do are part of the plan.  Stuff will happen and it's not "unexpected".  When something is important there needs to be space for the "unexpected".  If Zahra or Yusuf or Nooriya says, I will meet you in the mud room at 6:50, it's imperative that I'm there and ready.  I want them to rely on me.  6:50 doesn't mean 6:52.  It's not leave as little time as possible for all the steps so that it ends at 6:50.  Things never go exactly as you think they should.  6:50 doesn't just happen.

Life doesn't go exactly as you think it should.  The "unexpected" happens.  It's supposed to and things get in the way.  Plan for things to not go exactly as you think.  When you do that, you know it's important.  It can be the other way around too.  If you know it's important, plan for things not to go exactly as you think.

Taher, things don't go exactly as you think they should, but they go exactly to plan.  Leave a margin for the stuff you know is important to go the way you want.

Too Easy

I recently learned about something in the brain.  It is when things are procedural or too easy we lose out in the long-term.  I thought the title "Too Easy" was very apt.  I thought of another post I had written back in a few months ago and later came to learn I had coincidentally named it "Hard".

In it, I recalled something Moula tells us.  There is a lot of sawab in doing wazu with cold water at fajr.  Back in when I wrote the post, another layer became clear to me.  There's a lot of benefit in doing the hard thing.

No surprise that some research confirms what Moula's wisdom is telling us.  It is specific, but at the same time the thought can be broadened.  

I'm learning about Block Learning vs Interleaving.  In short, block learning is doing something over and over using the same method or learning by procedure.  Think formula.  Things work only if something fits the formula.  This is true when learning a math equation or practicing chess all day or very specific or narrow domain knowledge.  This leads to wins and observable progress in the short-term.  It comes at the expense of the long-term though.  The opposite is interleaving.  Think concepts.  This is frustrating and often leads to frustration and lack of observable results.  This is stickier.  This kind of learning is harder, but objectively better.  This is strongly correlated with learning to do lots of things; it is related to gaining knowledge in multiple domains.  Most of the best athletes, musicians, other artists, and academics practice this kind of learning.

There's a lesson here.  Whether it's parenting, sabaq, hosting, school, work, or any of many other things, we might not be able see the payoff, but it's there.  That's maybe the point too.  We often can't see and just have to trust.

Taher, do the hard thing.

Cornbread

Yesterday Yusuf and Nooriya cooked everything.  Another time to be in the backseat and just enjoy.  I was the helper.  It made me feel so good.  I love seeing them both come into their own more and more.  I'm getting used to this new stage of parenting and doing less.

Everything tasted great.  Not great because my kids made it; it was just great.  There was one thing with the food that was unintentional and made for a great memory.  Nooriya was making mashed potatoes and cornbread.  At meal time, she mixed up the two and served the cornbread batter as the mashed potatoes.  

Everyone took some.  It looked delicious and just like mashed potatoes.  We started and one by one people got to the potatoes and said stuff like, "did you accidentally put sugar in the potatoes?", "why is it sweet?", "is it supposed to taste like dessert?".

We got to spend more time with dad yesterday which was wonderful.  He's still teaching.  He took some cornbread and insisted that it was great.  He didn't care.  He ate everything.  He was present and he enjoyed the moment.  He was maybe in a different stage of grandparenting.  He was doing less and being there more!

Taher, do less sometimes, but be there more.  Taher, remember your priorities.

Happiness

Money can’t buy you happiness. Happiness is maybe more complicated than that. There’s a lot to it probably. 

There is definitely a relationship between money and happiness. Money buying happiness is probably the wrong way to frame it though. A more helpful way to thinking about the two is to simply frame the relationship differently. Money doesn’t buy happiness; it can only mitigate unhappiness. And up to a point.

After that point it doesn’t matter much at all. This framing puts the focus on the other stuff. The other stuff like relationships with people and quality of interactions and attitude are where we can focus. These things are often in competition with money in some way. They’re also the things that are often most in our own control. 

Taher, focus on the right things. The right things don’t include money.

Niyat

There’s lots of interactions everyday.

One yesterday stands out. It was after vaas. Moula was padahring just past. Everyone was seated and doing deedar. It was nice and relatively calm for a Moula situation. Everyone was able to do deedar and thamakun sey.

And then a few seconds in one dude in the front stood up. He was very quickly followed by several people around him standing. And then more people. It was like a wave. I could feel myself and a few around me groaning collectively and I remember thinking, “SERIOUSLY!?”.

I stubbornly stayed seated thinking this is the adab thing to do. Then everyone was standing around me and I had to stand out of safety. Again I thought, “SERIOUSLY?!”.  I have to get up and do what’s not adab right now. 

I thought, not immediately I admit, what was this guy’s niyat?  Was it to annoy me?  Very very very likely not. He just wanted to see moula. All those other people probably did too. I have the insane naseeb to be annoyed. I get to go in so many situations where I get to be close to Moula and have his nazr. Alhamdolillah!

This is just one example, but annoying stuff happens all the time everyday. People’s niyat is almost always good. 

Moula repeated three times one my favorite things he says, “wa lad deen ilul hoob”. There is no deen without love. It has a new layer today. Love people’s niyat. That’s part of deen. 

Taher, look at people’s niyat. It is almost always good. Love that. 

Chill

The more I learn the more it becomes clear that stuff doesn’t matter as much as it seems in almost every case. 

So much we’re instructed to do begins with “thamakun sey” [fill in the blank].  

Just relax!  Relax while you eat. Relax while you do namaz. Relax when you do tasbee at the end of namaz. Relax when you work. Relax when you sleep. Relax when you dream. 

In fact, have a passion for relaxing. Relax and appreciate the world. Appreciating the world is ibadaat. 

Work hard at relaxing. When that person or thing annoys you that’s the way it’s supposed to go. Relax and let what’s coming come. It’ll come to pass regardless. 

Taher, just relax!  You’ll get what’s coming to you and it’ll be better if you’re relaxed to receive it. 

Twice

The day has its twists and turns. It plays out and is done once it’s done. We have one body.

It’s an opportunity though. We can each live the day twice. Each day we can live the day and each night we can think about how we would have wanted to spend the day. It’s like a big do-over. It’ll probably lead to better sleep too😁

We are “prisoners” to our bodies I suppose. We have the choice to be angry that we are here or take a different view and mark time in days until…Either way we’re stuck until we “get out”. 

Taher, be a better prisoner. Each day has a second chance. 

Trust

This is post mostly advice for me to read later. 

What do you see when you look at people?Don’t be surprised. They are exactly who they are supposed to be. Trust that they are. Trust them. Give it away just like love. 

Trust people. Sometimes they might not come through and you will get burned. They aren’t supposed to always come through. That’s why trust is so hard. 

The alternative is don’t trust or trust slowly even. You will still get burned. You won’t realize it though. People would come through and you won’t know. It’s lonely. 

Taher, trust people.  People do what they’re supposed to. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. 

Blame

So much good or bad happens in our lives. Some clearly good. Some clearly bad. And much that’s a matter of perspective. That’s the part that makes life one or the other. 

It can be tempting to blame someone else or even something else for stuff and the result is it’s bad. The same is true of the good. Blame may not be the right word for that. 

Blame is the wrong view. No one is to blame. They were just doing what they were supposed to do. Expecting something else is foolish. Why blame the water for being wet?

Taher, don’t look for blame. It’s foolish. 

Consequence

Rewards aren't usually linear.  They aren't something to strive for either.  They are more of a consequence.  Good deeds have a consequence.  The reward may or may not come as you comprehend.  If  you help a person or feed someone they may not reciprocate.  That doesn't mean it won't come back to you and yours in some way.

It's a bit silly to think there's a reward.  Humans were made in large part to help each other.  The eye is made to see, but we don't expect a reward when it does.  The legs were made to walk.  We don't expect a reward when they bring us from one place to another.  

Taher, there is a consequence to helping and giving.  You may not be able to understand what it is.

Proud

The other day we went out together.  I was driving. Yusuf got out before me and he’s faster than me. I was ~10 seconds behind. I saw a woman being dropped off at the door.  She seemed to have some sort of health issue that required her to be dropped off.  I rushed to hold the door for her.  About 2 seconds in, I realized Yusuf noticed and waited by the door for a good 5 seconds.  He waited for her and held the door.  It was a small act, but it made me so proud.

Nooriya started high school.  She also just got her misaq.  Of her own accord she decided to begin wearing rida full time as soon as she got her misaq.  It's hard being a teenager period.  It's hard being in a new school.  It's hard being a teenage girl.  It's hard being different, especially at 14.  There was nothing easy about this.  It's hard at any age to make this decision.  She wears it with such confidence.  I'm in awe.  I'm sure that there are difficult days and I'm sure that it's tough.  It is a large act and it makes me so proud.

Yusuf and Nooriya do things big and small all the time that make me so proud.  They are their own people and they deserve credit for the things they do and don't do.  That's what makes me so proud.  They did/do it and deserve it.  I also am proud that they're connected to me.  I know I don't deserve credit and I don't want it, but I realize that I shouldn't get zero credit either.  They are watching and they've been watching.

Taher, don't forget that the kids are still watching good or bad.

Shade

This week Michelle Obama spoke.  It was inspirational.  I watched it twice.  There were parts that were political and relevant right now.  That wasn't the inspiring part.

She spoke about her mom and the generations that came before.  It was personal and emotional.  The inspiring part that I want to remember and remind myself is that she spoke about families and generations and the perspective of a longer sense of time.  What was inspiring to me was that payoff will come eventually.  It is not a steady and linear path.  It might be a bumpy road and not a straight line to get to the payoff.  Be confident that the payoff will come.  I just may not be around to see it.

It was never mentioned in the speech, but it reminded me of the proverb to, "...plant trees in whose shade you shall never sit in".  

Taher, you are enjoying the shade others are responsible for. 

Taher, plant trees.  Taher, if doing it is good for Zahra, Yusuf, or Nooriya do it and let them and the next generation enjoy the shade.

Sitting in the back

I don't get to experience many firsts anymore.  Most of my firsts over the past 16+ years have been vicarious firsts that I got to observe.  I got to be part of Yusuf's and Nooriya's firsts.  I had my own milestone yesterday.  It was the first time I sat in the back of the car with Zahra and the kids sat in front.

I've been in the passenger seat when Yusuf is driving.  It's somehow easier to let go in the passenger seat.  It's like I'm still part of the driving.  My counsel on driving is received well mostly and I'm still teaching.  It's somehow easier to be more measured and not say stuff.  Sitting in the back was different.  It was hard not to say anything.  I could see myself "helping" and at the same time in my mind I knew that was not the right and needed thing.

I thought there's a bigger lesson here.  It's just as important to not be in the "passenger seat" as it is to not be in the "driver's seat" sometimes.  It's helpful for the other person to grow and learn.  It's hard, but sit in the back and enjoy the ride.

Taher, the view is changing.  Get comfortable sitting in the back.

Share

This past week I gave my coworkers a presentation about being Bohra and talked about my topi. It was very 101. It was good for me to try to articulate the basics. It was important to articulate it well to the audience and maybe just as important to put some things into words for myself. It’s easy to forget the “why” after doing something for so long. It just becomes routine. Articulating the “why” makes it fresh. 

I know Bohra 101 better than I know almost everything. However, I was more nervous doing this than anything I’ve done in a long time. I saw the downside very clearly. If I mess this up people could really take a skewed view of what’s so important to me and I felt like I had this one chance to get it right. It went great. I even recorded it and love that I can share it further. The nervousness translated and was obvious, but it came across as vulnerable and genuine. 

It was so well received and I got a lot of positive feedback. I felt really good afterwards. It felt so good to share. I was afraid people wouldn’t care. I was wrong. 

Taher, find the opportunity to share when the time is right. It feels really good and people do care. 

Ziyafat

I was able to do a ziyafat this year. I went for tahkmeen and the amount I was hoping for was not nearly enough. I saw that it was a higher number, hesitated for a moment, and then said “me kay na kay karees”.  Basically, I thought and said I’ll figure it out.  

I was able to secure one additional pass. I thought about who to give it to and immediately I thought of my khaka’s son. His dad did a lot for my dad and my cousin in turn holds my parents in high regard very much as a result. I also thought how I want my kids to benefit from this as much as possible. 

It dawned on me that me wanting to give this to my cousin was a result of his dad doing stuff. In this very pay it forward kind of way my cousin was receiving something years after my khaka passed away and likely because of my khaka. 

Taher, don’t hesitate. Give it and figure it out. Yusuf and Nooriya will benefit years later in many ways you can’t even think of. 

Helper

Helping is not zero sum and it is not reciprocal.  It is not a good mindset to help because that person helped me so I should help them or I'll help when I'm all set and able.  Helping doesn't work like that.  Just like you should be happy for someone else because they got something even if you wanted it.  Helping is the same way.  Helping isn't if they get something then I won't.  It's not zero sum.  In fact, I believe it is additive.  Help and nobody has less.  We all win.

There was a cool psychology study I learned about recently.  People were given some money.  Some were asked to buy something for themselves and other asked to give the money away.  The study concluded that the people who gave the money away were noticeably happier.  WOW!  The cool thing about this study is some people were given alot and some a little.  Those that gave away alot were not noticeably happier than those that gave away less.  It didn't matter how much you helped.  Helping any amount translated to happiness.

I recently had the chance to help some friends with some visa stuff.  It was some time, but it was much easier for me to do.  I was able to help and it felt so good.  My friends were appreciative sure, but that had little to do with how I felt.

Taher, remember how it feels to help.  Taher, you will get more than you give.  Give generously.

Environment

Context, I've learned, is a large part of communication.  The context affects so much of the listening and the talking.  The ability to listen well depends on your context.  If I have to go to the bathroom, I won't be a good listener.  I just won't.  Among other things I'll just be distracted.  Even if it's socially awkward or odd to stop a conversation it's worth it, because it's easy to tell if someone isn't listening.

Taher, do what you need.  Interrupt the conversation if you have to.  It will always be the better thing to do.

Context is just as important when doing the talking.  People are often stressed for different reasons.  Even mild stress can affect your communication all the while having nothing to do with the other person.  An easy example to understand is talking on the phone while in traffic.  No one likes traffic.  It's mildly stressful and can be very annoying when some other driver drives poorly or is inconsiderate.  This will 100% affect the way you speak on the phone.  The traffic has nothing to do with the other person, but they may get an annoyed and quickly irritated phone conversation.

Taher, mind your environment.

Response Science

The ability to control my actions has always been a focus of mine.  Whether in sports as a kid or in my older age in conversations.  Intuitively, I know that reaction is instinctual and that it comes first and response comes later.  I confirmed that thought with this cool model of the brain I learned about recently.

Basically, a thing happens and our brain processes that thing.  The thing goes through our brain first in the parts we have little control of and eventually to the thinking part.  All people are like this.  It's fascinating.

Taher, take your time.  It takes time to get to the thinking part.  Respond, don't react. 

Taher, be patient.  It takes time for others to get to the thinking part.  That's how their brain works.

Get to

This post is about lists.  We love lists at our house.  They help us remember even the small stuff, free up mental space once they get written down, and it is soooooo satisfying to mark something as complete or cross it off the list.

Although they are very helpful, they can be very detrimental.  They can be easily seen as to-do lists.  They're not.  They're get-to-do lists.  It's easy to forget the 'get'.  It's very important not to.  I do the dishes most nights.  I put that on my list.  They are there waiting for me most nights.  I do them.  On the nights they are on my to-do list and I forget the 'get', it's a chore and I can't wait to be done.  On the nights they are on my get-to-do list, doing the dishes is so pleasant.  I think much of the time that these dishes got dirty in the first place because we had food and we'll probably use them again tomorrow and I'll probably get to do this again tomorrow night.

This attitude shift applies to so much in our everyday.  It makes chores I have to do into pleasant things I get to do.  I don't want to confuse this shift with some annoying always look on the bright side attitude.  It's not that.  It's often a small shift and it grows over time.  It takes effort to shift attitude, but it's possible.

Taher, remember you get to.

Trail

I heard this beautiful analogy. Two people walked together on this trail and different people were on the trail walking with them throughout. I imagine the trail had views and bumps along the way. Gardens and trees grew alongside as the travelers walked and tended to them. The most beautiful and perhaps sad part was that the grass grew tall behind them as they went on. There was no trail behind them. 

Taher, tend to the garden and the trees in front of you. 

Saving

Saving "it" is pretty common refrain.  I think the "it" can refer to many different things.  It can refer to a few major themes like money, effort, or grace.  It also has a lot of different contexts within those themes that it can apply to.  In general, saving money seems like a good thing.  It generally seems like a good way to live.  That saving mentality can be pervasive though.  It can easily creep into to other aspects of life like effort or even grace.

I'm older now than I once was.  That tends to happen.  My view on saving has changed.  Earlier on in my life, I would try to save every penny.  Saving money is good if you have a plan.

Maybe I'm wiser now.  Probably not just a bit older.  My perspective has changed.  My understanding of how tenuous plans can be has gotten deeper.  Maybe the better way to live is not to save.  I don't think it's smart to be irresponsible.  Why save it though?  That's a good question.  Use it.

Hopefully, not saving will creep into other aspects of life like effort and grace.  That now seems like a better way to live.

Taher, ask yourself, "what are you saving it for?"

Ripple

Not a difficult concept, but this is a beautiful analogy.  The actions we take don't end when our actions end.  They carry on.   The people around us react and respond to whatever we do.  Their actions are influenced by ours and it goes on and on.  The analogy of a rock or a raindrop hitting still water creating a ripple is so apt.  The ripple is more pronounced closer and gets weaker the further out.

This analogy works when it's raining.  There's lots of ripples.  The original ripple interacts with other ones.  The analogy is beautiful.  We have the opportunity to make lots of ripples and they just carry on.

Taher, your actions go on.  Make the ripples overwhelmingly positive.

Final

I've watched this video many times.  It's Tony Hawk doing a skateboarding trick that's really hard.  He's easily the best known skater.  I don't know much about skating, but his is the only name in that whole realm of sport that I know.  He's been leading the sport for a really long time and he's 52 in this video I connect so much with.  He's doing an Ollie for the last time.  

It's inspirational and happy and sad all at the same time.  He fails and fails and fails and keeps trying.  He finally does it.  He's super happy that he did it and also sad and emotional.  He knows it's the last time he'll ever do it.  It's over.  He still remembers it and probably always will.  He's just in a different part of his life.

I find this so hopeful.  There is a next...

Taher, you probably won't have it on video and you probably won't know it's the last time.  Enjoy it for what it is and know that there's the next thing to be and do.  It may be greater than you think.

Happy

World Happiness Day was this past week.  I think it's cool that's a thing.  It's pretty remarkable to think about.  The entire world has a day to reflect on happiness and primarily their own happiness.  At first, I thought that's kind of self-centered.  As I learned more that's just not true.  Or at least it's not strictly true.  

I learned there is some research out there showing that happier people are more likely to do things to help other people.  This gave me a whole new perspective about shukr and another reason why it's good to have.  I used to think that the goal was to be happy and that shukr was how to get there.  It still is; that's right.  I was a bit conflicted about the goal of being happy.  That's not the end.  Being happy makes space to do things for others which in turn make us happier.  It's a wonderful circle; not a line.

Taher, be happy.  It's good for others.

Job

Everybody has a job.  People have a different job at different times.  That other person's job may be to be difficult.  That guy in the cars job may be to drive poorly.  The parent's job is to calmly deal with their angry kid.  Everyone has a job.  They might be different jobs at different times and for different reasons.  There's no need to be influenced and act differently because the people around you are doing this or that.  The people around you may make it easier or more difficult to do your job.  No need to sweat what they do or don't do; they are just doing their job.  Your job is to be a good human.

Taher, do your job.

Hard

We've heard good things come to those who wait.  It feels correct.  I've thought about that recently.  Doing good things are hard and often hard to do and they take time.  Sometimes it's hard to have Sabr, but it's it's really good to.  It's hard to do hifz, but it's really good to and it can take a lot of time.  I've heard in waaz many times that it's more sawab to do wudu with cold water.  It feels like recently it was added that it's more sawab to do that for fajr namaz.

That has a lot of layers.  Very literally, it's using cold water. That's easy to understand.  One layer I've been stuck on for a while is that you should do it because it prepares you for a good thing despite being hard to do.

I've gotten another layer of understanding.  I no longer think it's about preparation.  Doing the hard thing is good.  It takes consistency to do it and do it well.  It takes practice just like hifz or working out or making any progress in anything.  In many contexts, consistency is another word for practice.  

Taher, do the hard thing not because there's something good that comes after.  Do the hard thing because the hard thing is the good thing.

Moment

Life has a lot of frustration.  It's easy to be overwhelmed.  It's also up to us.  We get to decide if the moment will dictate our reaction or the other way around.  I always hear stuff like live in the moment or be in the moment.  That leaves out that we have a say in what kind of moment that is.  Don't be overwhelmed by the moment.

I wrote about taking a 5 minutes break 20 years ago.  It was one of my first posts and one of the wisest it seems.  

Taher, take your advice

Sabr

Every year before ramdaan I like to focus on one thing for the month.  A few months ago we heard a waaz dedicated to the idea of Sabr.  Ramadaan was far off in the future then😊, but the waaz stayed with me.  I used to think this word simply meant patience.  It has many layers and means so much more.  The central theme of the waaz was Sabr is core to being mumin.

Sabr among other things to me now means to me controlling your mind.  After all, that's probably the only thing we can control.  I'm realizing our body is not even in our control as much as I believed it was when I was younger.

I think a point of rozu is to remind of this idea of Sabr.  Not simply patience.  Rozu for a long time has not been about not eating for me.  The eating part has become a smaller part of rozu every year.  The not eating part is a reminder that eating is our choice.  We have the urge to eat or do anything and it's up to us to to decide in our mind if we will or not.

This year when I'm hungry, I'll let that be a reminder to think about Sabr.  The not eating part is easy; the Sabr part isn't.

Taher, have Sabr. 

Consent

I usually think of this as something external. It’s something you give or don’t give. It doesn’t have to be external though. It applies to emotions too or at least some of them sometimes. It’s my mind telling me that I’m overwhelmed, or frustrated, angry, or happy. There’s a lot of “stuff” that is happening and contributing. That will probably always be true. 

The thing though is it’s a choice to feel whatever. I don’t want to oversimplify and circumstance is important, but in many cases it’s on us to choose how we feel or don’t feel. 

Taher, choose to feel thankful and don’t give yourself consent to feel angry. 

Stoicism

This philosophy is pretty complex. It often gets associated with simply not showing emotion. It’s about so much more. 

Importantly, it examines control in depth. I’ve thought a lot about control and over the years. Stoicism talks about defining what is in your control and importantly what isn’t. It says to respond to what’s in your control and not so much to the rest.

It makes clearer what’s not in your control. Maybe obviously, other people, but also your reputation and even your own body. Interestingly, for each thing not in your control there is a complimentary thing in your control. You can’t control what is said to you, but you can control how you think about it. You can’t control if your body doesn’t cooperate, but there is something you can control. 

For everything external there is something internal.  Focus on the internal.

Taher, react aand respond appropriately.

Beauty

Learning only seems to make things better. 

Everyone appreciates a rainbow. It looks beautiful and that’s easy to see. Learning the physics that creates a rainbow makes it even more beautiful. Learning more about the optics makes it even more beautiful. Everything seems to be this way. Beauty has layers. Learning more only reveals more layers. It only goes one direction. 

Taher, learn more. It will only make things that are beautiful more beautiful. 

Confidence

I remember being full of confidence.  Most of it unearned.  In my teens and 20s I was even cocky.  I was confident I was good at this or that and alhamdolillah I had a lot of positive feedback.  

I'm probably not old yet, but I'm older.  I'm no longer good at those things I was good at in my teens and 20s.  Many of them were physical.  I'm not even a shadow of that person who was good at stuff because of my physical ability.  The other thing that I was weirdly good at was school and tests.  It served me well.  It doesn’t matter much now though. 

Alhamdolillah Yusuf and Nooriya both have even more of a physical gift that I had as a teen and they are both really good at school stuff.  Inshallah it will serve them well too. 

I’ve come to be confident in a different way. It’s probably not very original, but I’m super confident I’m the right person for Zahra and Yusuf and Nooriya.

Today Nooriya did awesome at gymnastics. Yesterday Yusuf showed off some of his crazy results from going to the gym. I’m feeling a lot of pride. I’m also realizing it’s a good example to set being confident. It’s not pride because I somehow don’t deserve it. Taher, be confident that you do deserve it. You deserve what you have and what you get. 

Be proud especially if moula gives it to you.  We rarely understand and that’s life.  It’s not a straight line.  Be confident if moula gives you his wisdom that it’s right  Be proud to have a dari and wear a topi  Be proud to do what moula has said and given raza for. It shows and people notice.   

Be confident. Be proud. The kids are watching. 

Thanksgiving

I heard an amazing true story example of something I want to be reminded of later and often. A man was new to this country and didn’t know what Thanksgiving was. A nice person invited him over for Thanksgiving dinner. Years later he became financially successful. For over 30 years he’s been donating and handing out turkeys on Thanksgiving. 

This is powerful. One nice thing…

Taher, pay it forward whenever you can. You never know. Do what Taylor Swift says and make Karma a relaxing thought. 

Superpower

I recently thought of something I have to offer as a superpower. It took me years, but I figured out what mine is. For a lot of years, it’s been tough to accept this thing that I have. It elicited many different emotions. For the first couple years those emotions were dominated by anger, frustration, and sadness. 

Many people for some reason share what they’ve got going on with me and sometimes that prompted me to share too. It felt good every time I shared. 

And just the other day, I realized I can share my thing and maybe make someone feel how I felt or prompt them to share with someone else. I am realizing this thing I thought sucks has become my superpower. I can share. 

Taher it may seem like it stinks. Even for years. It’s part of the plan though. There’s something you just don’t see. 

Wise

 I heard a song for the first time in years.  It was popular when I was in high school.  I must have heard in 1,000 times then.  I missed this lyric every time though. And I heard it just now and it stuck with me.

"

For the life of me, I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise 

"

I have thought about wisdom over the years.  Mostly I've thought about how I shouldn't fool myself into thinking that I have any.  This lyric was eye opening for me.  Basically, I think it's saying you can never be wise and that you'll always look back and wonder why you thought that.  It's a paradox.  The only way to be wise is to believe you aren't.  It's humbling and elegant.

Taher, you are not wise.  Don't believe or think you are.  Listen.

All things

It took me many years to learn and even longer to accept. After a long time I understood that you can’t be all things to anyone. Sorry I didn’t figure that out sooner Zahra. There are things you can be. Be great at that. Facilitate the things you can’t be. There’s a fair amount of advice in this post; it’s mostly for me. 

Taher, excel at the things you can be. Don’t try to be the other stuff. 

Happy List

I usually am not a fan of self-help style lists. I really liked this one. I wanted to put it here and remember it. I edited it a little for brevity, but didn’t change it. 

Taher, read this once in a while. It’s a good reminder. 

11 habits that will make you happier than 98% of people:

1. Take Care of Your Health

You only get one mind and one body.  Both must last you a lifetime.  Without it, you have nothing.

2. Give Sincere Appreciation

Practice gratitude daily.  It helps you keep things in perspective.

3. Pay it Forward

Studies show random acts of kindness improve well-being.

You can practice paying it forward by:

• Holding the door for someone

• Picking up trash outside

• Giving a compliment

One simple action can alter the trajectory of your day.

4. Choose Optimism

But in the long run, optimists are the ones who live a life they’re proud of.

5. Reduce Your Wants

It is not the man who has too little that is poor.

6. Don't Compare Yourself to Others

Comparison is the thief of joy.  Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.

7. Ignore the Nonessential

There is always a new opportunity or distraction available.  But in the long run, it will be those who can stay focused on what’s most important who will be most successful.

8. Constantly Read

A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies.Books give you access to the: 

• Thoughts

• Stories

• Philosophies 

of those who came before you.

9. Prioritize Growth

There is no such thing as stagnant.  A 1% improvement in a day is a 3,700% improvement in a year.

10. Write Daily 

Putting your thoughts on paper forces you to organize them.  If you lack understanding, it will expose gaps in your thinking.  Use writing to sharpen your thinking and increase your brainspace.

11. Practice Meditation 

Take 10 minutes a day to be present and observe your thoughts.

Random

I was able to do a random act of kindness this morning. I came to Panera after a busy morning to get some coffee. I noticed that there were no paper towels in the bathroom. Something the guy washing his hands would find out momentarily. I stepped out to quickly get a stack of napkins to give some to him and leave for the next person. It was small, but it made me feel good. The universe even rewarded me it seems with some free coffee later😁

The opportunity presented itself and doing something kind made me feel good. It turned my busy, not-so-wonderful morning into a nice morning.

Taher, look for the opportunity to do something kind. The opportunities are out there. It makes you feel good. 

Response

There’s a nuance to control. There’s nuance to freedom and fate. Freedom and fate can be viewed as contradictory. I don’t think that’s right. They are circular and humans just can’t understand them. We can choose our response. 

Viktor Frankl is a holocaust survivor. It’s unimaginable what he went through and dealt with. Despite all that he had seen, he believed there’s a choice. 

He said, “Between the stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space lies our freedom and power to choose our responses. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” A reaction is almost instinctual and doesn’t use one of our greatest gifts, thought. Think then respond.

Taher, respond don’t react.

Top 5

Yusuf and Nooriya, this whole blog is for you and Zahra.  This post is specifically for you.

You both inspire me in different ways.  That has helped shape the way I act.  You're both teenagers and somehow how I behave seems more important.  I don't actually know.  That's probably important at most ages.  These teen years seem formative in a way other ages weren't.  I was thinking about that recently and how to articulate my behavior came in to clearer focus for me recently.

It's my goal to be in your top 5 later in life.  When you count on your one hand I want to be included in a couple of things.  I want to be in your top 5 friends.  I want to be in your top 5 role models.  I want to be in the top 5 people you love most.  I want to be in your top 5 good influences.  I want to be in your top 5 best people. 

Taher, do it if it gets you closer to being in the top 5.

Equanimity

I've known this word for a while.  I just recently looked it up when I was trying to articulate what it meant.  I always thought it meant something I would describe as being cool.  I really like this word after looking it up.  The definition I found was mental calmness especially in a difficult situation.

This motivates me to have this quality more.  My mind could always be calmer, especially when it's a stressful situation.  People around notice and imitate the reactions they see.  Help normalize calm.

Taher, keep you cool and be mentally calm.  Remember the kids are watching; set an example.

Give it away

A key to happiness is to be around happy people. The people who surround us shape us.  Moula gives us wise counsel to pick your company carefully. If the people around you are happy that’s good for your happiness. Happiness is circular that way. 

This is why it’s so important to make others happy. Especially those around you. If you have happiness, give it to others. It’ll come back to you. 

Taher, give it away. 

More Jewels

Last year I got a a lot out of waaz. In addition to the many benefits of being there, I retained some simple take aways from last year. They were simple. Be generous, be thankful, and forgive. 

This year like last year was full of depth that’s hard to articulate. The asar is as powerful as it was last year. It’s made the be thankful take away from last year deeper. Simply, shukr isn’t only being happy with what you have it’s wanting more so you can do more. 

I have a couple simple take aways from this year so far. They are love and honesty. Not complicated, but very deep. I look forward to understanding these simple ideas more deeply next year or in the future just as shukr has more dimension for me now.

Taher, be honest. Taher, show love. 

Bad

The last little bit at work has been pretty stressful.  I think that stresses in life will just keep happening.  This work stress will dissipate and whatever I'm dealing with at work will be in the rearview eventually.  There will be another thing that stresses me out after this.  That too will eventually be in the rearview. Then another thing.  That's part of life I think.

I'm looking forward to Ashara this year.  It's coming up and I get to leave all this stuff behind.  It is a nice annual reminder that this life "stuff" isn't so bad.  I had this thought a few years back when I thought something terrible had happened.  Turns out it wasn't so bad.  I want to write this down as a reminder to future me.

Taher, it's not so bad.  Rember this.  It will make you smile every time.