Luck

I’ve thought a lot about plans and control over the years.   Luck, serendipity, fate, kismet, and a lot of other names that do a good job describing what I’m thinking about today. I’ve also thought about what success means what I’d like for the Yusuf and Nooriya. I’ve tried to simplify it to being happy and not define it more than that. 

Being successful, whatever that means, requires a lot of luck/serendipity/fate/kismet. Whatever the word, it requires something you don’t control. It has been easier to remember Alhamdolillah about certain situations I’ve been in where I think things could be slightly different and way worse and Alhamdolillah it wasn’t. 

I’m thinking about the flip side. Working hard makes being successful more likely, but there is a significant portion of being successful that isn’t in your control. 

Taher, remember to think Alhamdolillah when things are good. Remember things could be slightly different and way worse. 

Mind

 Last week Zarha and I had a night out.  Really it was a night in, but it was a virtual night out.  It was awesome.  We attended this very entertaining Zoom magic show.  The tricks were very impressive.  I'm sure there was an explanation for all of them, but I have no idea.  It was wonderful.

We hadn't had time like this together for many months.  It was very welcome.   

There was one “trick” the magician did. He had us do it and then explained how it worked. I put “trick” in quotes because it wasn’t a trick at all.

He had us draw 3 shapes on a card - a line, a circle, and a dot. Then he had us hold a small object by a string over what we had drawn. The object swayed back and forth over the paper in the shape we had drawn  First, back and forth over a line.  Then, in a circular path above a circle.  Then, it didn’t move at all when it was over a dot.  

He proceeded to explain how our brain was making our hands do this.  It even had a name which escapes me.  I remember thinking that this was amazing.  It wasn’t a trick and there wasn’t any mystery.  Our minds have the power to control our actions even when our thoughts aren’t conscious.  The most amazing part of this is that we can train our brains similar to how we can train our muscles.

Taher, train your brain to be patient.  It will affect your actions.

Ikea

Yusuf did rozu on Sunday. I am very proud. 

We are having some work done at home and needed to return a bunch of stuff to ikea.  So much stuff that we couldn’t all fit in the car. It was a nice just Yusuf and me morning. We loaded up the car in rozu and were off. We talked and talked. We talked so much that we missed our exit...twice. It was wonderful. 

We got to ikea and unloaded the car for a while and waited a bunch in a couple different lines. Everything was finally successfully returned. 

We made another stop at the pet store nearby. I got to do some pre-Eid Eid shopping. He looked at some turtles and geckos and was pretty excited. 

This was awesome for me. It was such nice time with Yusuf. He noticed it was special too. On the way home he commented that it was a nice time and was glad to be with me. 

Then he said something beautiful that I don’t want to forget. He said we had a wonderful morning and got to spend a bunch of quality time together. He told me to think about all the cars on the road, they’re all on their way from something or to something and many of them are on their way from doing or about to do something special. 

Wow and beautiful!

Taher, listen carefully.  You will hear wise and beautiful things when you don’t expect  

Rozu

Yesterday, I did my first rozu for Ramadan. Often when I do rozu I get asked, “Rozu lageche?”  My response has almost always been something like no, it’s not hard or no, not at all. 

Yesterday, that wouldn’t have been an honest answer. To start the day, I woke up for namaz, but I overslept and didn’t wake up for sihori. I went back to bed and got some terrible sleep. I got out of bed late and missed seeing the kids before they left for school. I was really late to join a meeting. I had some computer trouble and had a really unproductive day at work. I was low energy all day and having a lot of trouble slowing down for Ramadan which I look forward to every year. My day was a bit off.

I sat on my masala close to maghreb doing Quran and waiting for my rozu to be over. I thought there are literally 1.8 billion other Muslims and many of them also had their first rozu after a while. I was finally having some of Ramadan clarity. There were probably so many people that were waiting to break their fast like I was. 

Each year I spend Ramadan trying to focus on one thing. This year I want to focus my effort on remembering that others have stuff going on and whatever they’re dealing with is more complicated than I know. All those people doing rozu had at least that going on. 

Taher, everyone has something going on and you likely don’t know. 

Vaccine

 I was lucky to get my 2nd vaccine today.  I even traded messages with a friend about planning a trip and return to normalcy.  I can't wait.

I got to my appointment and the site had switched vaccine types and I was getting redirected.  I was stressed out and anxious as I waited not knowing if I'd be able to get my vaccine today even.  I luckily got redirected to another site that same day.  I was a little annoyed because it was 40 minutes away and now I had to drive and wait some more.

I got there and in-line and followed the directions of the many folks that were there trying to do crowd control COVID style.  After a few stations, I got to a table in this large gym where I was gonna get a shot.  The person who gave me the shot proudly had her name tag affixed to her scrubs with band-aids.  Her name tag said she was a doctor and reminded me of how she and all those other people were spending their time for others.  Just today I was in two of these sites where there were hundreds of people working together to get this thing to end.  To think there are many of these people in many thousand of these sites all across the world working for this same thing.  That's looking out for everyone.  That's selflessness on a Saturday.

I came home and just finished watching one of my favorite movies.  I may have seen it a few times before:P  It had something new to me this time.  The people in the story are shut off from the outside world and many just stay home.  In the end, many of them come together against great odds to resist and win.  The story ends on a hopeful note and the main character saying "anyone can be a hero."

Taher, be hopeful and remember that anyone can be a hero.

Rushing Water

 Spring break!!

We finally took a mini trip. It’s just an hour and a half drive away and only for one night. But it feels so much further away and it’s been such a long time since we’ve taken a trip. It crossed my mind this morning that I might not even remember how to take a trip! Luckily, we did remember. 

We are here with the parents and the kids and it seems like it will be a very nice shared memory👍

We did a nice easy hike and along the way we came to a small stream and waterfall. It wasn’t a fantastic vista that people hike to, but it was nice and scenic. The moving water made me feel so peaceful. I stopped to just be at peace. Just for a moment. It was short, but it was so refreshing. I haven’t felt like that in a long time.  I realized I’m really busy, despite not doing much.

It reminded me that there’s this peaceful water that’s been there for a very very long time. The water is there all the time.  I realized again that it’s up to me to just go there and that refreshing feeling is just waiting for me.

Taher, find the rushing water in life.  It’s not far.

Listen

Zahra and I were watching a show with an older, wiser person and a younger, more immature person.  The wise person was once like the younger person.  It was obvious to the viewer they were very similar, but it wasn't really apparent to them.  It's easy to think that the younger one should just listen to the "wise" person.  I'm sure it'll all work out.

Real life is not so straightforward.  People are much more complex.  The kids are more complex.  They are shaped by every experience they have and it's tough realizing that I'm not part of or even privy to those experiences a growing portion of the time.  They're getting older and that will keep happening inshallah.  They'll also continue to get more complex.   

Taher, you're not "wise" just because you're older.  Don't ever forget that everyone has something going on.  Remembering that will make you a better listener.  Remember that when talking and listening to Yusuf and Nooriya. 

Maintenance

 Every so often I do "maintenance" with the kids.  It's the umbrella term for any projects and upkeep around the house.  I used to call it "construction", but I had to re-brand😅.  Anytime a filter needs changing, turning the sprinklers off, oiling the garage door, or buying anything that needs assembling I try to  include one or both kids as much as possible.  It's logistically difficult because they don't love it and they each have stuff to do and it would be way easier to just do it myself.  I set out to do it to have their company when they were really little, but over time it has become all about them.  They have a good sense of taking care of their house and the reframing as "maintenance" helps fit these projects in the bigger general taking care and pride in their house/space.   I hope they're learning to be self-reliant, they can fix stuff, and they are capable of learning to solve problems even if it's not their expertise.  My friend recently asked about me about what I do with them and aptly called these life skills.

This week we were mounting a projector in the basement on the ceiling.  It was a "maintenance" project.  I thought it would be easy and simple to do, but it wasn't and it required solving a lot of problems along the way.  It would have been way easier to tell them to "just watch" or to just do it myself.  I chose to include them and I'm glad I did.  

I'm reminded about when Nooriya dubbed me her pancake making helper.  The kids are much older now then they used to be and they have ideas on how to do things.  This was another reminder that someday they won't need me to help.  

Taher: it's tough, but it's worth it.  The kids are getting older; be their helper and sometimes just get out of the way.  

Scavenger Hunt

Yusuf has been working on creating a scavenger hunt for the kids nearby.  He was really thoughtful putting together the clues.  He was thoughtful to make sure they weren't too easy or too hard and that everyone from the youngest kids to the oldest kids would be included and engaged.  He thought about where he could and couldn't hide clues all up and down the street and at the park.

He was really thoughtful about the teams.  He wanted to make sure there was an even mix of intelligence and was sure there were older kids to chaperone the younger kids.  He tried very hard to appease everyone when they had requests about whose team they wanted to be on.  And he was very diplomatic in explaining about the requests he couldn't fill even if it didn't feel important to him.

After a few false starts the scavenger hunt was on.  It seemed like a good time for all and seemed to work out great.  A success!  

Later my dad commented that he was a natural leader.  My first thoughts were yeah and allhamdolillah.  I thought more about why.

Yusuf was thoughtful and it made him successful.  It played no small part in him being a leader.

Taher, be more thoughtful.

Leadership

 School has been interesting  this year to say the least.  So far I'm really impressed with how well the kids and teachers have adapted.

The other day I got to be with Nooriya during school for a bit.  It was pretty cool I thought.  She seemed pretty engaged even though it was a Zoom call.

Then something cool and unexpected to me happened.  She was sent to a virtual breakout room with some other kids.  It was pretty clear she was in charge and not in a bossy way at all.  There were maybe five other kids and she was directing them to do tasks.  It was cool for me to get to observe this which is probably her typical interaction with peers.  

There was something else I noticed.  From my perspective, she was clearly in charge.  It wasn't clear because she did most of the talking.  She did a lot of listening.  This virtual format requires that in a way.  Two people can't really talk at the same time if either of them want to be understood.  I love that she's learning to be a good listener right now.  She listened and then talked and was clearly a leader.

Taher listen better.

Cemetery Gates

 I have been to the qabrastan many times and the circumstances for going there always sucked.  I reflected on the qabrastan many years ago.  I thought about how it really sucked and yet it was cathartic and reminded me of what was important.  I vividly remember when I wrote this so long ago not thinking about myself being buried, but rather how many times I might have to do the burying.  I also vowed then to come back to visit the peaceful place when the circumstances didn't suck so much.

After many years, today I finally did go when it didn't suck so much.  It was the first time I was able to go and look at all the gravestones without a crowd of people and being there while someone was being buried.  I was still given a sense of focus though.  I had the chance to look at the many gravestones and think I knew that person and that person and that person...It was heartbreaking.  

I got the end of the people I knew and saw a name I recognized.  It was my friend's mom.  I was a little kid.  I was too young to remember much in detail, but I remember her and I remember the whole thing being sad.  I then noticed the dates.  She was 37 when she died.  What?! I then walked around again looking at these graves and all these people who passed away and looked at the dates.  There were so many people who died in their teens, 20's, 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s.  There were even some kids.  An 11 year old, that I remember dying when I was a kid.  My heart broke again.  Hard.  I think my heart broke the hardest when I got to the beginning.  There were two very little kids.  A 10 day old and a 15 day old.  I know the parents and I realized that so many of the people buried here were outlived by their parents.

This time, I did get that focus and was reminded about what's important without feeling that immense sense of loss that people feel when they lose someone they love. I didn’t think about losing people I love though. I thought the people who died and their loved ones and the many parents that lost a kid. I thought about what is going on in my life now and all the stuff people probably had going on in theirs when someone they loved died. I wasn’t there for a funeral and it was somehow more sad. 

Taher, everyone has got something going on. 

Abba!

Plan A

I have been going back and forth on how much control I have over plans.  I’m not so sure. The details don’t go to plan all the time for sure, but maybe the big stuff is part of the plan. It has to be. So many times in my life I’ve taken a moment to think that so many, many things had to go exactly “right” for something to happen the way it did.

I’m here, I met Zahra at the exact right time, Yusuf and Nooriya came into our lives, and so many, many other things that I can’t list.

Taher, it may not be part of your plan A, but there is a plan. 

Audible

These last couple months have upended a lot of things for lots of people. Things are definitely very different now. We’ve developed some good habits and adjusted a bunch. We have definitely changed a bunch of things. I am mostly happy with how things have gone for us and proud of how we have adapted. I do consider my self a look-at-the-bright side person, but hopefully not annoyingly so.

COVID and the last couple months have made clear to me that my plans don’t matter. Some stuff will happen whether I want it to or not. Like pretty much everyone else, I didn’t expect any of this and it changed a bunch of my plans both short term and long term.

Taher, plans change and it’s not in your control. Go with the flow and be happy. 

Hope

Hope is like the sun. If you only believe it when you see it you'll never make it through the night.

Pet Peeve

I've gotten to spend a lot of time with Zahra, Yusuf, and Nooriya.  I've reminded myself that I really like my roommates.

I have been thinking a lot about ‘annoying’ this Ramadan. I’ve wondered to myself more than a few times recently, “am I being annoying?”.  I think ‘probably’, shrug, and continue doing whatever it is I was doing in a less annoying way I hope.

I know that Yusuf and Nooriya find some stuff I do annoying. I make the same joke every opportunity. I realize they stopped thinking it was funny a long time ago. Whenever they are telling me something they often say rhetorically, “guess what”. I make them stop and listen to me guess something totally outrageous and unrelated as they roll their eyes. I also ask totally stupid questions when they are explaining something. It’s often met with, “Abba stop!”.  They didn’t really think it was funny when they were 4. I’m not going to stop though.  It’s my thing.

I’ve realized that some stuff I’ve found annoying in the past no longer is. It used to annoy me to get directions when I knew where I was going. It used to annoy me when people would ask if I’m eating enough. These things don’t annoy me anymore. In fact, it’s often the opposite now.

Taher, you don’t have to be annoyed. It’s not easy, but sometimes what’s left is awesome. Taher, know that one day Yusuf and Nooriya will stop being annoyed with your stupid jokes and they’ll see what’s left. 

Giving

This year for Eid I was able to give Zarha something super special.  It wasn't an object or material.  I learned a song for her.  It took me months.  I was obsessed with getting it right.  I practiced all the time.  I literally practiced a thousand times.

It was all I thought about.  The song was stuck in my head.  It played in my head all day and even was the soundtrack to many of my dreams.

I thought about the perfect way to give it to her.  I thought about what I would say and what I would do.  I thought about where I would give it, where Zahra would sit, what Yusuf would do, what Nooriya would do, how to make sure everyone was in a good mood, how to prevent any interruptions from our phones, that the camera had enough memory, and every other detail I could think of.

Along the way, I realized something.  I started doing this completely thinking about Zahra.  I was consumed with making sure that it was just right for her.  I started out doing this completely for someone else.  Along the way something unexpected happened.  At some point, though, it became an amazing present for me.  The present was getting to give and hopefully make someone else happy.

I read this post I wrote almost six years ago about 'The Giving Tree'.  The story had a new dimension for me.  Basically, the tree gives and gives and ends with the tree being happy.   I understand the end part more now.

The Beatles said it, Zahra said it, and probably some other smart people too.

All you need is love.

Taher, remember how giving made you feel. 

Random

Every Ramadaan I focus on something and I usually write a blog about it.  This year Ramadaan has been weird.  Life is weird and different.  I have been thinking a lot about something this year. Randomness.

Aspects of this quarantine suck, some are awesome, and some things are not changed very much. It’s weird. I reprimanded my mom for trying to give me a hug. What the F?!!  What is happening?  I don’t know and I can’t even think of a possible reason for so many people to be affected. Maybe that’s the point Taher. Humans were just not made to understand.  I'm remembering a book from my youth that made an impression on me and reading some of the posts I've made about it over the years.

Taher, there’s many times to come that you won’t understand. It’s not random though. Everything will be ok. 

I still have no idea

I’m rereading my post from 2012. I probably still have no idea and as I predicted 8 years ago I’m rolling my eyes. I did know I would love everyone even more than then. I was right about that too. 

Another day

I heard this Beatles’ song as I was working out this morning. The lyrics were very sad at first...

“

Every day she takes a morning bath she wets her hair
Wraps a towel around her as she's heading for the bedroom chair
It's just another day
Slipping into stockings, stepping into shoes
Dipping in the pocket of her raincoat
It's just another day
At the office where the papers grow she takes a break
Drinks another coffe and she finds it hard to stay awake
It's just another day

Do do do do do do, it's just another day
Do do do do do do, it's just another day

So sad, so sad
Sometimes she feels so sad

“

Then I realized another day is awesome. It’s another opportunity. As pedestrian as this sounds, another day is another chance to be better than yesterday. The Beatles have some of the best lyrics, even when they’re totally misinterpreted 😄

Taher, you’ve got another day. 

Path

Our TV has a screensaver and I saw a picture of myself from years ago.  I remember how happy and full of shukur I was.  I also remember realizing how much shukur I wasn't doing being around some people with incredible attitudes of the time they got to do qadambosi.

This situation is so....I'm sitting here thinking about all the ways to finish that sentence.  There's so much going on and Alhamdolillah we're all healthy.  We've managed to incorporate a bunch of positive habits that just make us feel good.  We spend more time together now.  We eat together.  We don't simply eat at the same time; we eat together in the taal.  We listen to each other more.  And like normal people we sometimes lose our patience, but then we remember why we're feeling the way we are and it just seems stupid especially considering what many are dealing with.  Yesterday we spent an hour raising our collective blood pressure about perler beads!

We do namaz together at home.  And not just at the same time.  Moula gave me raza to do imamat namaz at home.  I didn't think I'd ever do that in my life.

I started writing about the picture that I've seen a thousand times before.  It's a picture of the moment Burhanuddin Moula gave me my Mufhusiyat.  It came up and I stared at it in awe.  I knew it was awesome then.  It felt like I had reached something amazing then.  I had no idea the path it would lead me on and no idea that would lead here.

Taher, do that thing you know is amazing even if you don't know why.  Do it even if it's hard.

Shukur

I was reminded of my brother’s ziyafat years ago. I remember him giving two teenage girls a pass to do qadambosi. It was the first chance they had in their lives and they lived in a place Moula is often. I was there with my 1 and 3 year old to do qadambosi that I thought to be a foregone conclusion. They were so so so happy and reacted in a way I vividly remember to this unexpected opportunity. They were overjoyed. It was so meaningful. It made me re-think my shukur for getting to be with Moula in Misr. I thought Alhamdolillah, but I imagine it was just a fraction of what these girls felt. There is more shukur to do. 

Giant Tiger

The title of this post probably isn't apt or good.  I don't really even know what I want to write about.  

I do know I want to write something.  I am feeling so many things -shukur, frustration, and boredom just to name a few.  I hope that things return to some kind of normal soon.  

I am going to miss the interactions with people that require being close to them.  I'm going to miss asking someone how they're doing and being closer with my body language signaling that I am really asking and want more than a "I am doing fine" in response.  I'm going to miss listening attentively to someone from just a foot away and them seeing I'm really listening.  It's going to be replaced with something, but I don't know what.  It's going to be different for sure.

I hope that when we come out of this people will appreciate more that everyone has something going on.  I've been on so many calls with colleagues where there is less of a formality or barrier. Everyone has a kid or pet or something else in the background.  Everything is just a bit more personal and casual even though we're physically further apart.  I hope the glimpse will result in people being a little more empathetic and a little kinder.

I'm looking forward to one day being old and telling a grandkid, "Back in 2020 when we were sheltering in place..." and being met with an eyeroll.

This is all very ambling.  Taher, it's like were living on a sleeping giant tiger.  Every once in a while the giant moves or wakes up.

Come together

A couple days ago I got to watch Nooriya in the talent show. She was awesome of course. I’m a proud papa for sure.

The night was memorable for another reason. A pair of other little girls came on stage to sing. The  music started and as one girl started there was some feedback and the mic made an awful noise that wasn’t planned drowning her out. She already looked a bit nervous. I can imagine how she felt. The curtains opened on the stage and she probably saw what seemed like an overwhelmingly large audience. The technical difficulties threw her for a loop and she began to tear up. She couldn’t continue. The other girl immediately hugged her and all the parents in the audience cheered. Many yelled “you got this!”  She tried again, but was pretty flustered and got stuck again. Again her partner hugged her and the crowd cheered. She tried a third time, but couldn’t go ahead and she got the same response from her partner and the crowd.

She was able to do it the fourth time and gave a big smile and thumbs up to her mom at the end. It was beautiful!!! The whole thing was amazing. Everyone came together reflexively, automatically. I couldn’t help but stand and cheer at the end.

Taher, remember how good it made you feel to support someone. Remember how good she seemed to feel after being supported. 

Some things

Nooriya and I had a night out just the two of us. Still reliable to make her happy is to be with her and give her pancakes and ice cream. It was awesome time just the two of us. We played games and spent the evening together. Even her glasses matched the sprinkles on her waffle bowl. She loved it😍.

At the ice cream shop, there were some older high school girls sitting by us and talking some nonsense about boys. This feels like deja vu.

As we headed home on a Frozen song came on the radio. The hook went, “some things never change” and it just repeated over and over until I got it.

Some things change.

Taher, some things never change. 

Forgiveness

Today, like many Saturdays I drove the kids to madrasa.

Today was a bit different.  Yusuf usually doesn't ask me for help with his madrasa stuff.  Alhamdolillah, he's really good at stuff in general and really good at madrasa stuff.

He usually doesn't want to talk about madrasa stuff on Saturday mornings, but today he asked me for help understanding something he was learning in class.  I don't recall the exact words, but one concept stuck with me.  It was about forgiveness.  I had to be thoughtful about it as I tried to explain it to him.

The thing he was looking for help understanding was basically saying, "be resolute in forgiving".

I explained that it's in his interest to forgive.  I told him it was saying be determined to forgive because you will be more able to be happy.  It's not a difficult concept I think, but I was glad to articulate it and get the reminder.

Taher, forgive and you will be better off.

Dad

These last couple weeks I got to spend a lot of time with my brothers and my nieces who are at different tween and teen ages. They both have very different parenting relationships with their daughters and differing involvement with their daughters when they were all much younger. One thing they have in common is that they both care a ton for their daughters. It is and has been clear to me.

This trip was different for me because of Nooriya’s age and my relationship with her. I’ve been lucky to get to spend time with my brothers in the past. This time, I noticed more and maybe paid more attention to their interactions with their daughters. I noticed they were different than they used to be and maybe frustrating for my brothers at times. I can now relate. I appreciate that every parent-kid relationship is different. I know they love their daughters very much and it’s probably frustrating at times. I also know and can tell my nieces love their dads.

Taher, your relationship with Nooriya will be frustrating and hard at times. Nooriya is growing up. Be more patient. 

More

Often Nooriya and I have this back and forth,

Me:  “I love you”
N: “I love you”
Me: “love you more”
N: “I love you more”

I usually say this in my head “You think you do”. I let her have the last word and just smile even though I know she’s not right and just doesn’t know it.

Taher, sometimes let her think so and have the last word. 

Not that bad

It’s been about 8 days since I hit my head and needed stitches. Going to a hospital in India was not great. The emergency room was about 200 square feet with 3 beds, a desk, about a dozen people working, and just barely enough space to have a wheelchair move through the space. Hitting my head, lots of blood, going to the hospital, and being abroad sounds like a terrible confluence of events. 9 days ago I would have put this somewhere near the top of the list for bad things that could happen.

After having gone through it, though, it’s not as bad as I would have thought. It might seem terrible as I imagine it, but it wasn’t so bad. The thought of something bad, in this case, was way worse than the actual thing.

Taher, it may not be what you think it will be.

Alhamdolillah

Plans for tonight and probably the rest of the trip changed tonight. I was distracted by a runny nose and going to the sink to take care of it. I stumbled and hit my head on the door frame. There was so much blood. My first thought was “Ouch!” And that was quickly followed by “what is all this sticky stuff?”  I next yelled (I thought I yelled, but Zahra says I need to express more urgency) “Zahra, come!”

I was kinda freaking out that there was so much blood everywhere and my mind was going to a hundred different places. Within a minute the kids were crying and what seemed like an army of people materialized to take care of me. Immediately after calling Zahra, which was instinctual, I realized what she might have seen and started worrying about her. 

It seemed like so much blood. I can imagine what it looked like to the many people that came rushing into the room. I’m pretty sure I scared the shit out of everyone. Within minutes I was in a car and on the way to the hospital that happens to be only a few blocks away. In Mumbai even a mile at rush hour can easily be an hour trip. Within 90 minutes, I had five stitches from Dr. Vijay and a cool new haircut.  I was mostly embarrassed and thankfully not in any pain. Going to a hospital in Mumbai was definitely not part of the plan for the day.  Also, the bill was less than $40?!!! I want to remember that detail for some reason. 

I did think Alhamdolillah. Though, it wasn’t my first, second, or even tenth thought.  I had the benefit later to think about the thousand things that went right and the thousand ways it could have been slightly different and way worse.

As it should be, my perspective is Alhamdolillah. If I’m honest, it still took a few minutes to have that thought and it was competing not-so-successfully with other louder thoughts about my situation. It was a pretty short time and I’m glad that I thought Alhamdolillah relatively quickly, but I still see a lot of  room for improvement because it was still a conscious thought and not a reaction. Even though I have a gash on my head and some stitches, this didn’t feel like a super high stress situation.  It wasn’t a difficult situation despite how I am describing it.  I want to get to a place where thinking Alhamdolillah is automatic so that’s where my mind goes not just when it’s easy, but when it’s hard too.

Taher, keep thinking Alhamdolillah. It will eventually become automatic. 

Acceptance

I was up early as I love and is my habit on vacation and the weekends. I got to watch the sunrise which happens everyday. I did my morning stuff including a guided meditation. I thought of the serenity prayer as I finished. It’s not new to me and I’ve heard it probably a thousand times before. Today there was something new about it for me.

“
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
“

On the way to the hospital, mom said something that stayed with me and gave a new dimension to the serenity prayer for me.  She said, “Taher, I know you want to help. You have to take care of yourself“. There was no “but”. For the first time, it was explicit and became clear to me that it’s not one or the other. Accepting I can’t do something isn’t giving up and it isn’t some passive resignation. It’s actually courageous.

Maybe that’s the wisdom part of the serenity prayer. It’s hard to accept my limitations because I want to help. I’m coming to accept one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. Sometimes helping is best achieved by not trying to help. It makes little sense, but it’s starting to make more sense.

Taher, be courageous and be helpful. Do it in the best way you can. 

Be here now

It’s our last night here in Mumbai. The pace of the evening is nice and slow. It’s very relaxing. We’ve packed and there’s nothing to do other than relax. We have the great fortune of having a close friend who opened their house to us and also happens to have an amazing west-facing view of the ocean. They have a nice chair with an ottoman placed in the perfect spot to enjoy the view. I sat on the chair and put my feet up about 30 minutes to sunset enjoying the view and now able to make out where the sky meets the water because there is a beautiful reflection of a bright, large orange sun.

I sat and put my headphones in to listen to a meditation as I watched the scene outside. Nooriya asked me loudly “Can we do a logic puzzle?  I told her in a few minutes and I thought to myself, “This is great timing, argh”. She asked again about 10 seconds later. I patiently replied, “in a few minutes.”  I started listening to the meditation titled “be here now”. It took 90 seconds, but I realized “DUH” and I pulled out my headphones and spent time with Nooriya and did a puzzle with her.

Taher, do the puzzle. 

Beneficiary

We’ve finished our ziyarat trip. It was a whirlwind with lots of beautiful sunrises and time in the car. I’m sick of this car now!  We capped our trip with one last stop in Nasik. There’s no ziyarat here. The reason we stopped is because someone connected to mom and dad invited us over. Mom and dad are somehow connected to them because of something they’ve done and something they will do. Zahra, the kids, and me were just tagging along. The family opened their house and fed us and gave us chai. We have no connection to them other than being connected to mom and dad.

The ziyarat trip has us driving a bunch on these not-so-great roads. They’re still paved and although we’re tired, we’re in a car.  Not long ago there weren’t roads and cars and nice places to stay to look forward to when you reach. We’ve come a long way.

There’s so much I have/get/get to do because of my four parents. Theres so much to come that I can’t understand. There’s so much benefit that Yusuf and Nooriya get by their connection. The four of them have done so much and experienced so much that has laid the foundation this life I’ve been able to build.

Taher, remember this and pay it forward.

Default

I recently heard a story about how a small change to a default in medicine had a huge impact. The basic idea behind the change was to have the default to prefer a generic prescription instead of a name brand and it took a really small amount of effort to achieve.

I’ve been able to be relaxed and more pensive on this trip. I’ve had a lot of opportunity to think differently and more clearly I think. It’s regularly led me back to thinking Alhamdolillah.

Taher, let thinking Alhamdolillah be your default. 

A Kind Word

We went to Galyakot for ziyarat. The ziyarat was great. There were lots of people who weren’t mumineen from the surrounding area coming to pay their respects. Some of them came barefoot and stood in the sun.  Everyone had a different journey and a different experience, but everyone was together.  It was beautiful.

I’m in the car driving away and looking out the window thinking that we’re all connected and we’re all together even though I can’t see it with my eyes.

Helping someone else is good for a lot of reasons. We’re all connected. You may not be qualified or skilled or otherwise equipped to help someone in a way they need. You are equipped to say something kind. Literally everyone can benefit from that.

Taher, you are equipped. Alhamdolillah. 

Friday Morning

Sadaqa

I’m reminded of a story I heard a long time back. It was about a well-to-do traveler setting out for the day in India. He left for the day with a few hundred rupees in his pocket. It was more than enough for the day. He started his day with some breakfast and some tea. That was usually 40 rupees and the person collecting the money asked for 60. Instead of doing the customary bargaining and paying the 40 rupees the traveler knew to be the right price he thought “I have plenty, it doesn’t matter “ and have the 60 rupees. As the day went on he realized he had forgotten this and that and needed this other thing. He ended up spending all his money. He had just enough. He made it through the day. Just as the day was ending he came across a poor person who just needed 20 rupees to eat his first meal in a week. The poor person was literally starving. The traveler reached into his pocket to find he had 0 rupees. He wanted to help, but couldn’t.

The message is clear.

Taher, remember that it may not mean a lot to you, but it may mean a lot to someone else. 

Yesterday

This post is trip adjacent I guess. I watched the movie “Yesterday” on the plane ride over. I love the Beatles and that song. I’ve had the lyrics stuck in my head for days. It’s like they’ve been persistently appearing in my head until I figure out what they mean.

“ Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away

Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday”

I finally realized this morning as I watched the sunrise that this song is about today and that someday soon today will become yesterday.  Maybe it was obvious before and I just didn’t get it. It seems obvious to me now. 

I’ve peacefully gotten to watch the sunrise two days in a row. No rushing to work or whatever. No busyness. It took two days in a row and to understand these lyrics that have played a thousand times in my head. 

Taher, the sun rises every day. 

Waking Up

Priorities

I’ve been so lucky to get to spend so much time with dad. There’s two moments I especially want to remember.

There’s tons of shopping to do in Bihndi Bazar and shopping isn’t dad’s favorite thing. He wanted some stuff and picked it out really quickly. When it was time to pay for stuff he just handed the lady a stack of money and said “you count”. It wasn’t obnoxious at all. It was actually somehow friendly. He didn’t want to spend time on this and he had decided he trusted the other person. It was also a totally baller move.  Two things really stuck out to me. Money doesn’t matter and respect the person in front of you.

Later that day, dad was tired after a long day of stuff and clearly about to nod off. Nooriya right at that moment asked him jarringly to do something or the other with her. He perked up immediately and almost automatically said, “ Of course!”  Again, somethings really stuck out to me. Spend your time wisely and take advantage of every opportunity.

Taher, keep your eyes and your mind open. There’s so much to learn. 

Youth

I’m sitting in the masjid in Surat. The peacefulness of this place is deafening. There’s so much here. So much history and in an obvious way somehow it feels like a massively important place for so many reasons.

I’m overwhelmed here, but not by the importance of this place. I am overwhelmed by memories of this place when I spent a few months here as a teenager a long time ago. I have memories of people and places that are a bit fuzzy and super clear at the same time.

I have so many memories of sharing a room with a bunch of people and spending so much time together doing a whole lot of nothing. There was one random Billy Joel album that I listened to at least a thousand times. I am terrible with lyrics, but I still remember every word and every song of that whole album 22 odd years later.  I wonder what Yusuf and Nooriya will remember.

Taher, don’t underestimate what’s important to them and choose your words carefully. They may remember them exactly in 22 years. 

Notice More

Today started out wonderful. I was a little jet lagged and got up super early. So was the family. We all got up together and spent some time lounging in bed listening to Zahra sing the intro jingles from 80s sitcoms and from random commercials. She knows EVERY WORD of all them. How?!!  This family time lounging in bed is awesome and usually kinda forced because usually there’s somewhere to be or people wake up at different times or both. The stars aligned on this Monday morning and we all started the day with a rare and amazing moment.

Taher, notice stuff and not just on vacation.

I’m getting used to being here and after our busy day of spiritual bucket filling ziyarat and shopping. I love getting to watch other people be happy and satisfied. There’s a ton of that in ziyarat and being with Zahra when she’s getting stuff done for the family.

Taher, notice how people feel.

I got to go for a walk near the water with the kids. It was amazing to see and hear what they noticed. It wasn’t the noise or the busyness all around. They noticed a bright orange sun and looked in wonder able to focus on that beauty and block out everything else for a moment. I’m loving that Yusuf takes out his phone to take pictures and video of whatever he wants to share with people. I’ve taken so many boring pictures of him taking a video or picture. I find it so cool.

Taher, notice what other people see.

Both physically and spiritually I’ve spent the last several hours getting ready for a week of what I expect to be intense spiritual experiences and meeting family and shared experiences with the family and mom and dad. And a whole lot of stuff I don’t even know. I can’t wait to write notes to my future self about what I’m about to learn. 

First day

I’m finished with the first day of my trip. It was a loooong day. The last time I got some sleep in a bed was 56 hours ago. It’s more than 24 hours since leaving, but still feels like one day.

Before our trip, I excitedly told a bunch of colleagues and friends that I was going on vacation to India with the family and my in-laws. I kept having to immediately respond to the quizzical look saying ,”my in-laws are awesome”. They are and I super appreciate that even more knowing how scarily typical that people don’t seem to like their in-laws much. Alhamdolillah. I lucked out getting some awesome ones.

I also said I wasn’t looking forward to the long flight.  That was really nice too though. I actually got to sit next to Zahra. On planes now a days we typically have a kid or an aisle or both between us. I watched a bunch of movies I really like and just sat and relaxed a bunch.

We finally reached and it was so familiar. It was wonderful. We had someone waiting to pick us up and someone wonderful that opened their home to us. Again. I was talking with her and realized I’ve gotten to stay with her 4 times.

It was great trying to see India through the kids eyes. They looked out the windows and we peppered them with questions about what they saw. The city is truly massive. In the same view, we saw multicolored, beautiful slums that were on the water near probably many million dollar homes with similar views.

We reached early Sunday morning and there were already lots of people exercising, selling stuff, pulling carts, driving rickshaws, and just going about their lives.

I can already tell this will be a highlight of this trip. We got to do ziyarat of two Moulas. To say it’s a busy area is an understatement. There’s a mass of people and a cacophony of sounds. Inside the roza, however, it’s totally peaceful. I have been so caught up with life lately. This was the spiritual experience I needed and didn’t even know. I came with all these thoughts of things I would do dua for. When I was there I realized I don’t want to do dua to be whatever or have whatever or for my health to be whatever. I wanted to do dua for being happier with what I have instead of thinking about what I don’t have.

Taher, don’t ever forget that feeling you had today. It’s the same one you had right after moving into your forever house. “I already have all I ever need”

Later I got to hang out with Zahra and the kids all day which was awesome. I had a conversation with Yusuf that made me so proud.   It was him asking questions about the kaamwalas. He thought it was so weird that people would be servants to other people. He understood that some people have whatever and some people don’t. I could tell his thought process from the questions he was asking and the way he was asking “why would someone be subservient? why...”  My response was often. “Yup. It’s weird”. I love that his instinct was to think it doesn’t matter what people have and all people are fundamentally the same. I’m so certain he’s going to continue to get even more empathetic and be an even better human.

Taher, people are people. Learn from the wise soon-to-be 12 year old. 

Blinded by familiarity

Last night my parents and brother and family came over for pehli raat dinner.  It's a tradition that we all get together and spend time together.  We've been doing it for years and everyone assumes that's what we'll do.  We take turns hosting and I have to think for a moment about whose turn it is.  I confuse the where and the when, but still retain vivid snapshots of each year.  I can still remember doing pehli raat with everyone when Yusuf was just a baby and crying his eyes out.  And then we added a few more kids to our thaal in the years to come!

Our thaal usually has ten people.  It's really full and every year we have so much food we can barely fit it all in the thaal.  We go through dish after dish.  There's usually more leftovers than what we started with.  It's wonderful. 

The greatest part of all this is we get together.  Between all the logistics and the craziness of the night we're all together.  We even all clean up together.  Everyone pitches in and gets in each other's way a bit, but we do it together. 

It's automatic and familiar.  It's easy for me to overlook the wonderfulness that's taking place because I'm used to it.  Alhamdolilllah that I'm used to it. 

The wonderfulness is happening all the time.  It's sometimes too familiar.  Taher, notice more.

Second Chance

I overslept this morning. I was totally bummed. I remember going to bed last night being really motivated to get up and get moving. Instead I had a crappy start as I woke up late and went to get ready. I looked at my watch and it was only 2:37!  It was a really realistic dream. I totally felt bummed and now I had a do-over. I woke up early and had a good start to the day👍.

This made me see clearly that we get a second chance all the time. Taher, recognize the chances you have and remember how good it felt to get a do-over. 

Vacation

I’ve written and thought about being on vacation a lot and even written about it a couple times. I vividly remember two moments. Once on a road trip in California and another taking in the sights in Thailand.

The memories are so vivid because I’m lounging on a patio alone with my thoughts and thinking Alhamdolillah was for all of the wonderful stuff in my life. I’m normal and I have crappy stuff that gets me down just like I imagine everyone else. I don’t sit around thinking how wonderful everything is and I am definitely not always succeeding in seeing the “bright side”.

I know I have a lot. It’s not a complicated thought or a difficult perspective to have. And I just feel good when I think about that. I wonder why is it so easy to have that perspective on vacation and so difficult to have sometimes when I’m not.

Taher, step back and have that perspective. There’s lots to think Alhamdolillah about. 

Restaurant

We just went to a restaurant.  It was nice; just the four of us spending time together.  Nooriya had a game for us to play where we would guess each other's favorite restaurant.  Everyone wrote down their guess.  Yusuf was guessing mine.  He wrote, "whatever restaurant mummi is in".  It was such an awesome answer.

I was so PROUD!!!! And I'm happy to know that Yusuf notices the love and partnership and articulates it so well.  He might think it's gross right now:P   I'm also super happy he sees it's possible and expects that a relationship with his future person should be a similar partnership. 

Stillness

This week I had my first ambulance ride. Alhamdolillah, I’m fine. Mysteriously, I couldn’t walk and I had no choice but to stop being busy and take that ride. I suddenly had this excuse to just rest. I think it was my body telling me to just stop being busy.  Fortunately, I was pretty much 100% in the morning.

Fast forward a couple days. I’m up before everyone and just sitting and appreciating the calm house. I’m reading a book aptly titled, “ The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down”. It’s a bit on the nose, but I’m slowing down...and there is a lot to see I’m realizing.

Just slow down once in a while Taher. Don’t wait for an ambulance ride to force you to do it. This one had no consequences. The next one might. 

Losing with grace

It can be tough to be a gracious winner.  It's way tougher to lose with grace.  Being gracious is a choice and an important one.

There are a couple  thoughts I want to remember and write down that I had recently.   They are related to being happy.

The first is the idea of winning AND losing graciously.  Winning graciously is relatively easy.  Losing graciously on the other hand is much more difficult.  Sometimes things aren't going to work out the way I'm thinking.  There are likely a number of things that went exactly right to get to that place where something didn't.  It's a choice to focus on what went right and not what didn't.  It is so much easier to frame anything as winning and easier to be gracious.  And easier to be happy.

The second idea is that we are all connected.  There are no "winners" and "losers".  This is way easier written than changing my thinking completely; winning and losing is just a poor way of framing a situation.  It's hard not to think of a lot of situations that way.  In the mean time, if anyone "lost" then someone "won".  However, it doesn't have to be zero sum.  Since we are all connected, being happy for someone else is a path to be happy for ourselves.

Every time things don't go my way, it is an opportunity to be happy for someone else and be happier in the process.  

Opportunity

I’ve written and thought the word opportunity a lot this last several days. We got to do sadaqa to folks that were asking for help. Yusuf was in charge of sadaqa on our making sure we did it often. He was sometimes questioning why a person was so poor or had a certain handicap I imagine while thinking there were others nearby with seemingly plenty. He was sometimes a bit scared to give the sadaqa. I did it with him or was never far away. I said thank you each time and made sure Yusuf heard. I explained to him that we say thank you for the opportunity to do something good. 

There are opportunities to do something good everywhere.  We tell the kids if you have something you have enough to share.  It’s a lesson I’m working on internalizing. 

Shukran!

We had our annual WP trip with our friends and their family. We had been planning it for about a year and we all very much look forward to it for just as long. 

Over the years we’ve had lots of conversations with our friends about parenting and the things we want to expose the kids to. Putting them in situations where they see how different people live has always been high on the priority list. 

This year our destination was Cairo.  We’ve taken the kids abroad on these annual trips before. Those trips were great, but this was further away and different and less sheltered. It wasn’t a beach vacation or a resort. Egypt is hot and crowded and there are people that are well off and people that aren’t everywhere. Rich and poor and everything in between. And they’re TOGETHER.  It’s inescapable and at times in your face. I’m sure the kids noticed and experienced this as we were constantly in situations outside our comfort zone.  

We had an amazing day at the pyramids, being with the kids and seeing something 5,000 years old. Going to the pyramids was more than just a memorable experience. There was something that can’t be imagined. Seeing them in person and touching them made you appreciate the grandness.  It was a different experience that I’m glad the kids had. 

We also had a fantastic day going to Fayoum, an oasis town, that started out underwhelming, but ended up with an awesome pottery school experience and amazing sunset. We somehow navigated to a small and hot school in the middle of a very small town where they made pottery by hand using a very old fashioned pottery wheel that was spun manually. The kids each got to make a pot with a teacher helping them. The kids got that tactile experience and then got to see the beautiful stuff made by hand in this small, hot pottery school.  As we drove away we saw young kids in old, dirty clothes playing soccer and clearly having fun in front of a gorgeous mural painted on the side of a regular old building. Beauty is everywhere. It was hard to miss here. I don’t know that it is explicit, but I believe the kids internalized what they saw and experienced; beauty is all around. And to top it off we saw the sunset of a hundred different colors while standing next to a huge lake in the desert. How could all that converge?  It doesn’t even make sense to me as I write this. But I realize this amazing scene happens every day!  I guess I just need to open my eyes wider. 

We also took the kids to the Egyptian museum and looked at the artifacts that were so old and so well preserved. They saw mummies and I think were kind of amazed despite being very hot. We took opportunities to point out how differently they lived then. We saw their tiny royal bed. We saw their primitive royal toilet. We saw their jewelry. We saw their rudimentary medical equipment. We read signs and notes how young people were when they died and noted that some died of diseases that are now far from fatal. 

We were sure to point out all the things the kids had to be thankful for every day. 

There was a large religious component to this trip as well. Doing ziyarat at Rasul-Husain was a high priority for us. We made sure the kids knew that. And we showed them by making it among our first destinations each day. We visited many masaajid and other ziyarat as well making sure the kids understood just a fraction of the context. Hopefully, we all appreciated even just a small piece of the importance theses places have for us. It was hard not to feel...I can’t articulate what, but it was a feeling that I can best describe as satisfaction. We were sure to remind the kids and ourselves how lucky we were to be there and doing these things. We made sure that little time passed between saying and thinking Alhamdolillah. 

After a masaajid tour we went to Jamea Juyushi on a hill and did namaz there. After, we took in the view of the pyramids, the masaajid of Cairo, the old city, and part of the new city. It was very cool to see the really really old next to the really old next to the sort of old next to the not very old all in one view. 

Our trip was wonderfully rearranged when Moula announced he would visit. We were amazingly lucky to be there. Other people were trying to get to where we already were and they couldn’t. 

We got so much barakat for being in the place where Moula was. We went through lots of efforts to ensure we took advantage of this stupendous opportunity. 

We got to do deedar. Of course we’d get to do deedar; Moula was there. We got to watch Moula do ziyarat multiple times and we got to do namaz with Moula in three different masaajid. We got to do qadambosi!  Alhamdolillah. Alhamdolillah. Alhamdolillah.

There was a lot of sitting and waiting and not knowing what we’d be doing tomorrow. And it was all well worth it. I think of my reaction to each time we got to do anything and it was Alhamdolillah every time. I felt it. I said it. I made sure the kids said it and acknowledged often how awesome it was often. 

I was reminded of my brother’s ziyafat years ago. I remember him giving two teenage girls a pass to do qadambosi. It was the first chance they had in their lives and they lived in a place Moula is often. I was there with my 1 and 3 year old to do qadambosi that I thought to be a foregone conclusion. They were so so so happy and reacted in a way I vividly remember to this unexpected opportunity. They were overjoyed. It was so meaningful. It made me re-think my shukur for being with Moula this trip. I thought Alhamdolillah, but I imagine it was just a fraction of what these girls felt. There is more shukur to do. 

This taught me a lesson in shukur as I was trying to teach the kids about shukur. I realized that there is so much I take for granted without even realizing. No, not of course we would get to do deedar. Alhamdolillah we got to do deedar. 

Having shukur, I believe, is key to being happy. The more things I can find to do shukur for the more happiness I’ll find. More than anything, I want the kids to be happy. 

There are always many things to do shukur about. Even more than we realize. 

This was a great trip that I hope the kids will not only remember the experiences we had, but will carry with them these lessons of having and doing shukur that will help keep them happy for the rest of their lives.   I will certainly try. 

Alhamdolillah. 

Something Right

I had a another very proud dad moment yesterday.  Yusuf was running around on the playground and collided with another kid.  He had a minor injury to his wrist.  Alhamdolillah it was minor.  Zahra got a call and was able to be there in a matter of minutes.  Alhamdolillah for that too.  Amidst caring for him, Zahra asked him, "How's the other kid?".  Despite being uncomfortable and in some pain Yusuf responded, "Alhamdolillah.  She's fine".  He's 9!

Yusuf deserves the credit for having such an empathetic and caring response.  I like to think Zahra and me have something to do with it too.

There's a lot of...stuff...going on in our country right now.  Like many, I'm sure, it's gotten me down and made me doubt what I used to think was unshakable.  Yusuf's response, however, reminds me that there's so much to be hopeful about.  Yesterday at his school is just one small moment.  I believe it's indicative of a much larger way of interaction in a future that's not very far off.  I'm looking forward to more empathy.

Friday

I haven't posted anything in a while.  The longer I wait, the more profound I feel like my post needs to be and I don't write anything.  This vicious cycle has gone on for months.

I don't have anything profound to write, but I'm posting anyway because it's Friday.

I have a habit of re-reading my posts later and remembering how I felt when I wrote those words.  I want to remember how I feel right now.  The last several months I've focused way too much on the crappy stuff and have been too distracted to pay enough attention the so many great things right in front of me.  We have started a daily break before bedtime where the four of us sit together and say a couple things from the day we are thankful for.  Alhamdolillah.  It's not hard at all to think of stuff.  Alhamdolillah.

I like it as much for me as for the kids.  Until last night, though, I was doing it mostly as an example for Yusuf and Nooriya and totally missing the opportunity to try to really appreciate whatever.  Something changed for me yesterday though and I thought harder about what was GREAT, though it really wasn't hard at all.  I guess I was just more thoughtFUL.

This morning I listened to that oft used metaphor about the corporate ladder.  "Make sure your ladder is leaning on the right wall".  This ladder metaphor applies just as aptly to life.  Focus on the wall, Taher, and not the climbing otherwise you'll just get to the "wrong" place faster.

There'll probably always be some crappy stuff and certainly there will always be some stuff that's good.  And much more likely than not there will be lots of stuff that's GREAT.

Pizza tonight!  Alhamdolillah!

Vacation

Alhamdolillah that I get to go on vacation.  I get to see and experience things which make my faith more solid. My eyes open to more wonders which make me even more certain there is something more. 

Each trip away is special and enjoyable in different ways, but the one thing that every trip has in common is I come home at the end. And I appreciate coming home each time. 

One of the best parts of vacation for me is coming home at the end and rediscovering and re-appreciating everything that was there beforehand. 

Taher, don't wait for vacation to appreciate what's at home. 

Clarity

The day before the weather was rainy and windy and just unpredictable. We told the kids "we'll see" over and over. The weather didn't clear up and we did take them to the beach. We immediately assessed that it wasn't the right conditions to be at the beach and headed to the pool...in the rain and wind. 

As we made the best of the beach-audible Nooriya and I played "catch the bracelet" underwater in the pool. There was a moment I saw her smile under the water through my goggles. I'm so lucky to have seen it so clearly.   I'm so lucky to have noticed the one of probably many smiles in the moment I wasn't able to see or do or hear anything else while under water. I think about the attitude to make the best and the little it took to elicit that smile...just being there. 

In contrast, the last 24 hours have been full of amazing experiences. They have been true vacation gold. We saw more stars than I can remember seeing last night. All the while we were in kayaks with glass bottoms seeing the amazing plankton in bio bay lighting up when the water moved. I couldn't stop looking at and admiring the water until I was distracted by the amazing sky...and then I was distracted by the water. 

Zahra captures it way better than I do. 

http://latitude.blogspot.com/2016/08/magic-in-water-magic-in-sky.html?m=1

Today, I had the most idyllic beach experience I've ever had. The water was the perfect temperature, gentle, and crystal blue.   The weather was perfect and we had a small stretch of beach on this hard-get-to island seemingly just to ourselves. 

I hope these are the experiences Yusuf and Nooriya will remember forever. I will. 

But as I reflect on the last couple days, I realize this may not be what the kids remember.  This was an amazing experience, but it did require the kids to wait and be patient a LOT. And that's not the thing that comes naturally to them. 

They complained and complained loudly, but they also made the best of it. Despite the what must have seemed like random instructions to wait and to "not do that" and the many "talks" I gave them about attitude and shukur, they sometimes figured out how to have a great time doing whatever with whatever they had.  

I will remember the make-the-best-of-it attitude they made so clear to me. And I'm pretty sure they'll remember me being with them on vacation as much as the amazing experience we were able to give them this last day. 

Thanks Nooriya for smiling so much and alhamdolillah for letting me see it so clearly. 

Rainbow

I was up early and tired at the thought of going to work.  Imediately I was thinking about all the stuff I have to do once I get to work.

I rushed through my morning routine and started my drive to work.  I saw a rainbow.  It was faint at first and then became clearer as I focused on it.  It was beautiful and a great reminder to look a little closer.

And then...I saw a second rainbow!  Taher, sometimes you just have to open your eyes and look for the rainbow.  Look closely and there'll be more than one.

Ramadan

I've read and learned some things and that have had me thinking about what I want to focus on this year. I'm having a hard time finding a single word to describe it. The closest I can think of is "steer". It does a good job of helping me frame my thoughts about another topic, control. 

I recently learned about the importance of the perception of control and how that influences the brain. Specifically, the perception of control influences the ability to motivate ourselves. Basically, if you think and reinforce your thinking to believe something is not in your control then it won't be. For example, if I say to myself, "I'm not able to climb that mountain because I was born without being able to" I won't try to.  Instead, just framing this a bit differently, "I took one step, I can become strong enough to take another" can give me the motivation to be to be stronger.  If I believe I did it then I can do more. This realization has changed the way I will interact with Yusuf and Nooriya when trying to motivate them. 

The perception of control is an exercise in framing a situation. I'm realizing more and more that so much is in my control. There ain't no mountain....

I've also read a book that had me thinking about time and how we think about it. It also forces me to think that once we didn't count it at all. There are some words of the author I want to remember 

---

Consider the word “time.” We use so many phrases with it. Pass time. Waste time. Kill time. Lose time. In good time. About time. Take your time. Save time. A long time. Right on time. Out of time. Mind the time. Be on time. Spare time. Keep time. Stall for time. There are as many expressions with “time” as there are minutes in a day. But once, there was no word for it at all. Because no one was counting...And [then] everything changed.

---

As with so many times before in my career, I'm bogged down with work and I'm climbing out of some mental cave to get perspective on what's more important. Recently, I was witness to something in some one else's life that was way more important. He even showed me the state of his work and reminded me that wasn't very important. 

I've spent a couple days thinking carefully about what's more important and it's in my control to steer my thoughts to what's more important while I have time (since I can't help counting the time).

washing the dishes

Last night we had a bunch of our family over for dinner.  It went great and it's so nice to make the connection to family stronger.  It's also great to have more people come to my house and make stronger the association that this is is where Zahra, Yusuf, Nooriya and I live.

I woke up and found a sink full of dishes.  I started washing them.  All I was doing was washing them.  Not so we could use them again, but JUST washing them.  The last several weeks have been full of planning for this or getting ready for that.  I spent so much energy preparing one way or another for the future.  I was always on the move mentally or physically or both.

Then I started washing the dishes this morning.  It anchored me in time and I was so appreciative of dirty dishes.  Thanks dishes.

I need to wash the dishes more often.

bracelet

I thought my bracelet wearing days were over.

A couple weeks ago, though, Nooriya made a rainbow loom bracelet.  I had thought her rainbow loom days were almost gone.  I thought she had moved past bracelets.

She came to me and gave me the bracelet she made using pink and green rubber bands.  As she gave it to me she explained, "Pink is my favorite color and green is yours."  I've been proudly wearing it since.

It's on my wrist now and it reminds me that I have this strong bond with the kids even though they may not show it the way they used to and that they're not "too" old yet.

Thanks Nooriya.  The bracelet is one of the most meaningful possessions I have.