Another day

I heard this Beatles’ song as I was working out this morning. The lyrics were very sad at first...

“

Every day she takes a morning bath she wets her hair
Wraps a towel around her as she's heading for the bedroom chair
It's just another day
Slipping into stockings, stepping into shoes
Dipping in the pocket of her raincoat
It's just another day
At the office where the papers grow she takes a break
Drinks another coffe and she finds it hard to stay awake
It's just another day

Do do do do do do, it's just another day
Do do do do do do, it's just another day

So sad, so sad
Sometimes she feels so sad

“

Then I realized another day is awesome. It’s another opportunity. As pedestrian as this sounds, another day is another chance to be better than yesterday. The Beatles have some of the best lyrics, even when they’re totally misinterpreted 😄

Taher, you’ve got another day. 

Path

Our TV has a screensaver and I saw a picture of myself from years ago.  I remember how happy and full of shukur I was.  I also remember realizing how much shukur I wasn't doing being around some people with incredible attitudes of the time they got to do qadambosi.

This situation is so....I'm sitting here thinking about all the ways to finish that sentence.  There's so much going on and Alhamdolillah we're all healthy.  We've managed to incorporate a bunch of positive habits that just make us feel good.  We spend more time together now.  We eat together.  We don't simply eat at the same time; we eat together in the taal.  We listen to each other more.  And like normal people we sometimes lose our patience, but then we remember why we're feeling the way we are and it just seems stupid especially considering what many are dealing with.  Yesterday we spent an hour raising our collective blood pressure about perler beads!

We do namaz together at home.  And not just at the same time.  Moula gave me raza to do imamat namaz at home.  I didn't think I'd ever do that in my life.

I started writing about the picture that I've seen a thousand times before.  It's a picture of the moment Burhanuddin Moula gave me my Mufhusiyat.  It came up and I stared at it in awe.  I knew it was awesome then.  It felt like I had reached something amazing then.  I had no idea the path it would lead me on and no idea that would lead here.

Taher, do that thing you know is amazing even if you don't know why.  Do it even if it's hard.

Shukur

I was reminded of my brother’s ziyafat years ago. I remember him giving two teenage girls a pass to do qadambosi. It was the first chance they had in their lives and they lived in a place Moula is often. I was there with my 1 and 3 year old to do qadambosi that I thought to be a foregone conclusion. They were so so so happy and reacted in a way I vividly remember to this unexpected opportunity. They were overjoyed. It was so meaningful. It made me re-think my shukur for getting to be with Moula in Misr. I thought Alhamdolillah, but I imagine it was just a fraction of what these girls felt. There is more shukur to do. 

Giant Tiger

The title of this post probably isn't apt or good.  I don't really even know what I want to write about.  

I do know I want to write something.  I am feeling so many things -shukur, frustration, and boredom just to name a few.  I hope that things return to some kind of normal soon.  

I am going to miss the interactions with people that require being close to them.  I'm going to miss asking someone how they're doing and being closer with my body language signaling that I am really asking and want more than a "I am doing fine" in response.  I'm going to miss listening attentively to someone from just a foot away and them seeing I'm really listening.  It's going to be replaced with something, but I don't know what.  It's going to be different for sure.

I hope that when we come out of this people will appreciate more that everyone has something going on.  I've been on so many calls with colleagues where there is less of a formality or barrier. Everyone has a kid or pet or something else in the background.  Everything is just a bit more personal and casual even though we're physically further apart.  I hope the glimpse will result in people being a little more empathetic and a little kinder.

I'm looking forward to one day being old and telling a grandkid, "Back in 2020 when we were sheltering in place..." and being met with an eyeroll.

This is all very ambling.  Taher, it's like were living on a sleeping giant tiger.  Every once in a while the giant moves or wakes up.

Come together

A couple days ago I got to watch Nooriya in the talent show. She was awesome of course. I’m a proud papa for sure.

The night was memorable for another reason. A pair of other little girls came on stage to sing. The  music started and as one girl started there was some feedback and the mic made an awful noise that wasn’t planned drowning her out. She already looked a bit nervous. I can imagine how she felt. The curtains opened on the stage and she probably saw what seemed like an overwhelmingly large audience. The technical difficulties threw her for a loop and she began to tear up. She couldn’t continue. The other girl immediately hugged her and all the parents in the audience cheered. Many yelled “you got this!”  She tried again, but was pretty flustered and got stuck again. Again her partner hugged her and the crowd cheered. She tried a third time, but couldn’t go ahead and she got the same response from her partner and the crowd.

She was able to do it the fourth time and gave a big smile and thumbs up to her mom at the end. It was beautiful!!! The whole thing was amazing. Everyone came together reflexively, automatically. I couldn’t help but stand and cheer at the end.

Taher, remember how good it made you feel to support someone. Remember how good she seemed to feel after being supported. 

Some things

Nooriya and I had a night out just the two of us. Still reliable to make her happy is to be with her and give her pancakes and ice cream. It was awesome time just the two of us. We played games and spent the evening together. Even her glasses matched the sprinkles on her waffle bowl. She loved it😍.

At the ice cream shop, there were some older high school girls sitting by us and talking some nonsense about boys. This feels like deja vu.

As we headed home on a Frozen song came on the radio. The hook went, “some things never change” and it just repeated over and over until I got it.

Some things change.

Taher, some things never change. 

Forgiveness

Today, like many Saturdays I drove the kids to madrasa.

Today was a bit different.  Yusuf usually doesn't ask me for help with his madrasa stuff.  Alhamdolillah, he's really good at stuff in general and really good at madrasa stuff.

He usually doesn't want to talk about madrasa stuff on Saturday mornings, but today he asked me for help understanding something he was learning in class.  I don't recall the exact words, but one concept stuck with me.  It was about forgiveness.  I had to be thoughtful about it as I tried to explain it to him.

The thing he was looking for help understanding was basically saying, "be resolute in forgiving".

I explained that it's in his interest to forgive.  I told him it was saying be determined to forgive because you will be more able to be happy.  It's not a difficult concept I think, but I was glad to articulate it and get the reminder.

Taher, forgive and you will be better off.

Dad

These last couple weeks I got to spend a lot of time with my brothers and my nieces who are at different tween and teen ages. They both have very different parenting relationships with their daughters and differing involvement with their daughters when they were all much younger. One thing they have in common is that they both care a ton for their daughters. It is and has been clear to me.

This trip was different for me because of Nooriya’s age and my relationship with her. I’ve been lucky to get to spend time with my brothers in the past. This time, I noticed more and maybe paid more attention to their interactions with their daughters. I noticed they were different than they used to be and maybe frustrating for my brothers at times. I can now relate. I appreciate that every parent-kid relationship is different. I know they love their daughters very much and it’s probably frustrating at times. I also know and can tell my nieces love their dads.

Taher, your relationship with Nooriya will be frustrating and hard at times. Nooriya is growing up. Be more patient. 

More

Often Nooriya and I have this back and forth,

Me:  “I love you”
N: “I love you”
Me: “love you more”
N: “I love you more”

I usually say this in my head “You think you do”. I let her have the last word and just smile even though I know she’s not right and just doesn’t know it.

Taher, sometimes let her think so and have the last word. 

Not that bad

It’s been about 8 days since I hit my head and needed stitches. Going to a hospital in India was not great. The emergency room was about 200 square feet with 3 beds, a desk, about a dozen people working, and just barely enough space to have a wheelchair move through the space. Hitting my head, lots of blood, going to the hospital, and being abroad sounds like a terrible confluence of events. 9 days ago I would have put this somewhere near the top of the list for bad things that could happen.

After having gone through it, though, it’s not as bad as I would have thought. It might seem terrible as I imagine it, but it wasn’t so bad. The thought of something bad, in this case, was way worse than the actual thing.

Taher, it may not be what you think it will be.

Alhamdolillah

Plans for tonight and probably the rest of the trip changed tonight. I was distracted by a runny nose and going to the sink to take care of it. I stumbled and hit my head on the door frame. There was so much blood. My first thought was “Ouch!” And that was quickly followed by “what is all this sticky stuff?”  I next yelled (I thought I yelled, but Zahra says I need to express more urgency) “Zahra, come!”

I was kinda freaking out that there was so much blood everywhere and my mind was going to a hundred different places. Within a minute the kids were crying and what seemed like an army of people materialized to take care of me. Immediately after calling Zahra, which was instinctual, I realized what she might have seen and started worrying about her. 

It seemed like so much blood. I can imagine what it looked like to the many people that came rushing into the room. I’m pretty sure I scared the shit out of everyone. Within minutes I was in a car and on the way to the hospital that happens to be only a few blocks away. In Mumbai even a mile at rush hour can easily be an hour trip. Within 90 minutes, I had five stitches from Dr. Vijay and a cool new haircut.  I was mostly embarrassed and thankfully not in any pain. Going to a hospital in Mumbai was definitely not part of the plan for the day.  Also, the bill was less than $40?!!! I want to remember that detail for some reason. 

I did think Alhamdolillah. Though, it wasn’t my first, second, or even tenth thought.  I had the benefit later to think about the thousand things that went right and the thousand ways it could have been slightly different and way worse.

As it should be, my perspective is Alhamdolillah. If I’m honest, it still took a few minutes to have that thought and it was competing not-so-successfully with other louder thoughts about my situation. It was a pretty short time and I’m glad that I thought Alhamdolillah relatively quickly, but I still see a lot of  room for improvement because it was still a conscious thought and not a reaction. Even though I have a gash on my head and some stitches, this didn’t feel like a super high stress situation.  It wasn’t a difficult situation despite how I am describing it.  I want to get to a place where thinking Alhamdolillah is automatic so that’s where my mind goes not just when it’s easy, but when it’s hard too.

Taher, keep thinking Alhamdolillah. It will eventually become automatic. 

Acceptance

I was up early as I love and is my habit on vacation and the weekends. I got to watch the sunrise which happens everyday. I did my morning stuff including a guided meditation. I thought of the serenity prayer as I finished. It’s not new to me and I’ve heard it probably a thousand times before. Today there was something new about it for me.

“
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
“

On the way to the hospital, mom said something that stayed with me and gave a new dimension to the serenity prayer for me.  She said, “Taher, I know you want to help. You have to take care of yourself“. There was no “but”. For the first time, it was explicit and became clear to me that it’s not one or the other. Accepting I can’t do something isn’t giving up and it isn’t some passive resignation. It’s actually courageous.

Maybe that’s the wisdom part of the serenity prayer. It’s hard to accept my limitations because I want to help. I’m coming to accept one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. Sometimes helping is best achieved by not trying to help. It makes little sense, but it’s starting to make more sense.

Taher, be courageous and be helpful. Do it in the best way you can. 

Be here now

It’s our last night here in Mumbai. The pace of the evening is nice and slow. It’s very relaxing. We’ve packed and there’s nothing to do other than relax. We have the great fortune of having a close friend who opened their house to us and also happens to have an amazing west-facing view of the ocean. They have a nice chair with an ottoman placed in the perfect spot to enjoy the view. I sat on the chair and put my feet up about 30 minutes to sunset enjoying the view and now able to make out where the sky meets the water because there is a beautiful reflection of a bright, large orange sun.

I sat and put my headphones in to listen to a meditation as I watched the scene outside. Nooriya asked me loudly “Can we do a logic puzzle?  I told her in a few minutes and I thought to myself, “This is great timing, argh”. She asked again about 10 seconds later. I patiently replied, “in a few minutes.”  I started listening to the meditation titled “be here now”. It took 90 seconds, but I realized “DUH” and I pulled out my headphones and spent time with Nooriya and did a puzzle with her.

Taher, do the puzzle. 

Beneficiary

We’ve finished our ziyarat trip. It was a whirlwind with lots of beautiful sunrises and time in the car. I’m sick of this car now!  We capped our trip with one last stop in Nasik. There’s no ziyarat here. The reason we stopped is because someone connected to mom and dad invited us over. Mom and dad are somehow connected to them because of something they’ve done and something they will do. Zahra, the kids, and me were just tagging along. The family opened their house and fed us and gave us chai. We have no connection to them other than being connected to mom and dad.

The ziyarat trip has us driving a bunch on these not-so-great roads. They’re still paved and although we’re tired, we’re in a car.  Not long ago there weren’t roads and cars and nice places to stay to look forward to when you reach. We’ve come a long way.

There’s so much I have/get/get to do because of my four parents. Theres so much to come that I can’t understand. There’s so much benefit that Yusuf and Nooriya get by their connection. The four of them have done so much and experienced so much that has laid the foundation this life I’ve been able to build.

Taher, remember this and pay it forward.

Default

I recently heard a story about how a small change to a default in medicine had a huge impact. The basic idea behind the change was to have the default to prefer a generic prescription instead of a name brand and it took a really small amount of effort to achieve.

I’ve been able to be relaxed and more pensive on this trip. I’ve had a lot of opportunity to think differently and more clearly I think. It’s regularly led me back to thinking Alhamdolillah.

Taher, let thinking Alhamdolillah be your default. 

A Kind Word

We went to Galyakot for ziyarat. The ziyarat was great. There were lots of people who weren’t mumineen from the surrounding area coming to pay their respects. Some of them came barefoot and stood in the sun.  Everyone had a different journey and a different experience, but everyone was together.  It was beautiful.

I’m in the car driving away and looking out the window thinking that we’re all connected and we’re all together even though I can’t see it with my eyes.

Helping someone else is good for a lot of reasons. We’re all connected. You may not be qualified or skilled or otherwise equipped to help someone in a way they need. You are equipped to say something kind. Literally everyone can benefit from that.

Taher, you are equipped. Alhamdolillah. 

Friday Morning

Sadaqa

I’m reminded of a story I heard a long time back. It was about a well-to-do traveler setting out for the day in India. He left for the day with a few hundred rupees in his pocket. It was more than enough for the day. He started his day with some breakfast and some tea. That was usually 40 rupees and the person collecting the money asked for 60. Instead of doing the customary bargaining and paying the 40 rupees the traveler knew to be the right price he thought “I have plenty, it doesn’t matter “ and have the 60 rupees. As the day went on he realized he had forgotten this and that and needed this other thing. He ended up spending all his money. He had just enough. He made it through the day. Just as the day was ending he came across a poor person who just needed 20 rupees to eat his first meal in a week. The poor person was literally starving. The traveler reached into his pocket to find he had 0 rupees. He wanted to help, but couldn’t.

The message is clear.

Taher, remember that it may not mean a lot to you, but it may mean a lot to someone else. 

Yesterday

This post is trip adjacent I guess. I watched the movie “Yesterday” on the plane ride over. I love the Beatles and that song. I’ve had the lyrics stuck in my head for days. It’s like they’ve been persistently appearing in my head until I figure out what they mean.

“ Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away

Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday”

I finally realized this morning as I watched the sunrise that this song is about today and that someday soon today will become yesterday.  Maybe it was obvious before and I just didn’t get it. It seems obvious to me now. 

I’ve peacefully gotten to watch the sunrise two days in a row. No rushing to work or whatever. No busyness. It took two days in a row and to understand these lyrics that have played a thousand times in my head. 

Taher, the sun rises every day. 

Waking Up