Favorite Thing

Every year we ask each other our favorite thing that happened in the past year. The last several have been easy for me, usually Yusuf or Nooriya. Found out that we were expecting, one of them becoming real or some milestone for one of them.

This year is different. Equally awesome (even more so), but different. I can't think of just one thing or two or three or four even. The last year has been filled with tons of moments (including dancing and screaming in the kitchen right now) that are the four of us spending time together.

I knew that I had a ton of love to give to everyone before starting this journey with Zahra, but what I didn't know to expect and what I've realized this year more than ever is how much family would mean to me. Knowing that a little more is my favorite thing this year.

(the dancing has turned into fighting...and we're back to playing together:)

Namaz time

My masala is full!

Namaz time at my house is awesome. Yusuf does namaz with me and pretty well I'd say for a 3 year old. He stands next to me, does niyaat, ruqu and sujud and even understands that we do namaz to do shukur. And in his words, "Shukur means 'Thank you'" All this while Nooriya "does namaz" too. Her idea of namaz is to do sajda and roll around pretty much everywhere I can possibly put my head down for sajda. Then we all do Ya Husein! and Ya Syeda Shohadai matam. After namaz is over we taught Yusuf and Nooriya do salaam to us, a great tradition we saw friends do with their son.

I'm pretty sure I'm at a low for focus and concentration during namaz, but it is awesome! I hope this namaz time stays with Yusuf and Nooriya for a long time (and hopefully it counts a little too!)

I need to get a california king-sized masala:)

Fish is Fish

There's a children's book out called Fish is Fish. It is a fable about a fish who is friends with a frog. The fish wonders what things are like on land and the frog explains and describes the different animals on land. All the fish can do is imagine a fish with the same description.

The frog describes a bird and the fish imagines a fish with wings.

This image moved me. I hope to keep the appreciation of my lack of perspective all the time.

Big Boy

Some huge Moula news this weekend. Like many, I imagine, I received it with mixed feelings. It took lunch today with Yusuf and Nooriya to put it in perspective for me.

"Can you feed me abba?" Yusuf said to me in his sweet persuasive voice. Usually, the response is, "you're a big boy, eat". But I just couldn't say anything other than, "sure!" I fed him happily, as he counted the number of bites, told me a semi-nonsense story as he made it up and drew a rhino upon request. Right next to us Nooriya was babbling some words, mostly nonsense and gesturing for me to feed her too. It wasn't long ago that was Yusuf, and not too long from now Yusuf won't want me to feed him.

This froze me; I couldn't stop myself from thinking of all the potential on both sides of me. Nostalgia describes how I was feeling, but nostalgia for the future not the past (I'm sure there's a word for that). And then time started to pass again. I was jolted into the present by the Yusuf and Nooriya screaming for me to appreciate what was on either side of me.

This is helping me process the news. An awesome, exciting future is ahead. There is an awesome and exciting right now to be cherished. Mubarak!

Qabrastan

Unfortunately, I've been to the cemetery too many times lately.

The qabrastan is a very cathartic experience. I stop what I'm doing and make my way to the masjid and cemetary. Interrupted from whatever I was busy doing and thinking about, I am jolted into thinking about what and who are ultimately important and realize how unimportant whatever I was busy with might be.

The burial is intense. I have never been so directly joined with anyone, but I feel profoundly connected without a deep sense of loss. I see someone I've known for a very long time barefoot and in the grave saying goodbye to one of their family.

I don't think about my own mortality, rather I think about how many times it will be me in the grave saying goodbye. I imagine what that loss will be like; I am happy to wait to know exactly.

I appreciate getting this feeling absent the deep sense of loss and I find the cemetary a great place to find focus and remind myself of some things that aren't always in my thoughts. I am reminding myself with this post to go there more under circumstances that don't suck.

Thanks

I have been struggling to figure out what I want to do with my career lately.

Recently, I've tried finding other opportunities that are out there. My career path is bright, clear and easy to see where I am; I'm not unhappy for any lack of opportunity. I'm trying to figure out if I want to make a change.

It's not quite this simple, but in my mind it's coming down to prioritizing family and career. For me I've always thought that's an easy one; family is number 1 and career is somewhere much lower on the list.

Unexpectedly, it hasn't been that simple. But then I was reading my very infrequent blog posts over the last few years. And I was reminded that it IS and ALWAYS will be that simple, family number 1 and everything else some other number. Thanks past self for writing down those thoughts and you're welcome future self when you come back to read them.

I Speak for Myself

Congratulations! I am so proud of Zahra that I can't find the words to express it. This project has so much potential and I hope it ALL gets realized.

I was very eager to get my hands on a copy of the book to see exactly the words that would be reaching hopefully many, many people. I have been reading the essays all week. I started the book in part because I am so closely connected and I expected to be engrossed and am excited as I had a good understanding of the book's purpose.

What I didn't expect was to be one of the people whose mind was opened so much. Having a Muslim American experience, I naively thought I already knew what that meant. I was surprised by realizing the diversity that existed in just these 40 women's stories.

I am very comfortable with my identity, almost complacent. The book has pushed me to grow and rethink what being both Muslim and American mean to me. It has made me be a little more thoughtful about myself both my inwardly and outwardly.

I hope that this book and its ideas reach a lot of people. It will help many, including me.

Calm

I have been learning to swim the last several months. Up until just recently I could successfully splash my way from point A to B, but it wasn't really swimming. I am happy to say that now I can swim. The biggest challenge for me was mental; I would get in the water and a very short time later I would feel desperate for air. I quickly get frantic and splash around. Things wouldn't go so well from there.

For me, learning to swimming was learning to stay composed and calm. It has been such a skill to learn and difficult too; I have come to really appreciate the feeling.

Pretty often, Nooryia get's frantic and all I have to do is pick her up and hold her close and that's enough to make her calm down. It's pretty amazing as I think about her entire body responding to me; her breathing, her heart rate, and all her muscles just relax. I am honored to be one of the few people who have this power. I feel a lot of responsibility and I know I will try to protect her forever.

Also, today is Nooriya's birthday! We all couldn't wait, especially Nooriya who woke at 1am, 2am, 3am and 330am to tell us. Happy Birthday! We made it!

Yusuf Logic

I have been unaware just how much my experiences affect my logic and reasoning. My brain fills in the blanks for so much information and guides my thinking. It has been amazing to see the way Yusuf reasons and his logic when he has little or no context.

With a picture, we've taught him that this animal is a dog. We were amazed when he saw a totally different type of dog and said, "doggie". How did he know THAT was also a dog? It wasn't until later that we realized any animal on all fours was a doggie.

It makes perfect sense. Why wouldn't they be doggies?

I observe Yusuf and his thought process and marvel at just how logical it is.

Little things and little ones

I have been re-reading some old posts and was struck by one in particular, little things. Three years ago I took stock of my life to that point and reflected on how seemingly little things could shape who I was.

Fast forward to December 2009, I can hardly believe that I have two little kids of my own and all that has happened in the last three years. Again, I am taking stock of all the "little things" I have done and thought that have shaped the person who I am and want to be. I am taking stock of the things that are different now and those that are unchanged, trying not to be distracted by what seemed important at the time.

Having kids has changed things so much for me. Not only am I constantly shaping the future Yusuf and Nooriya, but they are shaping me as well. These little ones constantly remind me of what's truly important. They have given me this lens, one that I previously had only glimpsed, to evaluate things in my life. Thanks.

Pehli Raat

Tommorow marks the beginning of Rajab, a month of fasting for me. For a while, I have been dreading the impending fast full of long, long summer days, the abscense of coffee and missed summer lunches in the city.

Today's walk to work, however, brought clarity and I thought about why I fast and why I enjoy this month so much. All the religious fulfillment aside for a moment, this month means a great deal to me. It is valuable time spent re-focusing on my priorities and becoming centered. The last few months have been filled with distractions like work, money and all the other things that seemed important at the time.

I don't know why, but I lose sight of all that I have and have been able to do. This last 7 plus months with Yusuf and Zahra alone have been full of milestones, but what I thought about this morning was potential. Seeing Yusuf and my family grow so much this year has me thinking about all the potential and all the milestones that lie ahead. I am going to spend this next month reflecting about right now and the future. I am going to spend it reflecting about all the potential I have right in front of me and before me. I am going to spend it thinking about my family and what it means to have have a balanced life.

Family Chorus

Last night Z and i sat on the couch, enjoying a worry/study/work/chore/obligation free evening watching some mind numbing TV. We sat close and in our usual spots on our familiar couch. I sat blocking out everything. I could hear and feel my heartbeat, my breathing, Z's heartbeat, Z's breating, the baby's heartbeat and the baby's hiccups rythmically pulsing in perfect harmony.

Studying

When history depends on the future, things have a tendency to become confusing - Charles McClenehan FCAS, ASA, MAAA

I'll say Chuck. Hopefully this is the last time.

Risk etc.

I'm back...
Just a couple of interesting (in the mind of the beholder?) topics of study that I've come across...

The so called St. Petersburg Paradox is an interesting problem. It is where probability and economics come together. This problem attempts to value the marginal, the additional, the extra. The value is widely thought of as utility.

Economics makes use of the word 'utility'. That word is loaded, and the interpretation can lead to different places. It is interesting to me that fundamental economics depends on this interpretation. Relating this to Aqa Moula's noorani kalemo, I attempt to very very loosely paraphrase Aqa Moula's Chelum vaas, "benefit should be taken from wealth". I'm not sure what my point is, but I'd love to hear any thoughts you have.

Another thing I came across,
Bodie, Kane, and Marcus define gambling as 'the assumption of risk for the enjoyment of risk' and they define speculation as 'the assumption of risk in spite of risk for a perceived favorable risk-return trade-off'
A fine line if you ask me. Again no real point, but I'd love to hear any thoughts.

Semantics?

Racist, Prejudice, Opinionated, Associations. Is there a difference?

I've come across this project, implicit. They set out to see what people associate with different topics, types of people, and things. You can find general information about the project here. They have gathered a ton of data and use it to make conclusions about culture and society and their influences on our sub-consciousness.

The conclusions that they draw are eye-opening and their 'data' is substantial and convincing. I haven't taken the implicit test. In part because I don't know how much credence I give to the test and in part because I am afraid of what the results might be.

Proceed at your own risk.

Fast Friends

Five and a half years post-ZP. It started as romantic as I could have imagined; across the world, unexpected, and with its own obstacles. Instant attraction (at least from me) and a certain amount of wooing. It was difficult, but easy at the same time. Falling in love was easy, and having it happen in a story book way made it so perfect.

I think back to those first few months and wonder what it was that I fell in Love with? I enjoyed the time we spent together and we connected so often and easily...but what did I LOVE? I think it was part physical attraction and part loving what I thought those parts of ZP's identity I didn't know about yet could be. That unknown was exciting.

Fast forward to today. The attraction is still most definitely there, but those unknowns aren't. And the certainty is glorious. Take away the attraction, and what's left is my best friend. The best friend I could have ever imagined, the part that is not in story books but should be.

Your best friend ZP,
Taher

Little things

I've been thinking how it's little decisions snowball and can really shape your life, who you are, and what you become. We make small decisions almost daily because of or inspite of fear. I look back on the last several years and, at least in my personal experience, can identify overcoming and succumbing to little fears that have really shaped the person I am today.

One example among many is namaz. At some point many years ago, I was afraid (at least on some level) to do namaz outside of a mumin's sanctuary. But then one day, I gathered the courage to do pray in a public place. I must admit, I was probably nervous, anxious and rushed through all the neccesary arkans only doing the bare minimum of namaz. As before, I again found myself out during namaz time and found it just a little bit easier to do namaz in public...this happened again and again. And now, I carry a compass whereever I go, do namaz without hesitation, without care of my surroundings (and I don't mean to worry you ZP). Now, it's as if I can not miss namaz.

This is one fear I could have easily succumbed to and made a habit of not praying on time or not praying at all. I ask myself if my actions or some innate religiousness are the cause or the effect...a classic what came first, the chicken or the egg case [feel free to make fun of MA, I won't erase the comments]. There have been many small paths I've taken in my youth to bring me where I am right now, and it's important to realize there are still those little things almost everyday.

PD

NERDS ONLY PLEASE!

Reading is...

FUNDAMENTAL

This weekend, I've had the wonderful company of a very bright four and a half year old. It has been amazing just observing. She seems to learn so much everyday, and everyday is a milestone, like a mini-graduation. I am sure every kid on the planet goes through this at some point in their lives, but to me, that makes it all the more amazing.

The coolest thing by far is watching her read. What age do you learn to read anyway? Words are so familiar, second nature and just done without thinking....if there are words in your field of vision you read them, just can't help it. I feel like I was born knowing how to read, I can't imagine learning to read.

Watching her sound out words, big words, is just amazing....I see a 7 letter word, and that's it. It stands alone, just a symbol etched into my memory...she sees it as the sum of all it's parts, each letter a sound and each word she figures out is an epiphany for her. A little victory. So amazing to watch...what it must feel like to have that kind of mental growth so often.

It's so crappy that you can never fully appreciate what you have.

Photos

I was watching my favorite news source, FoxNews, and sawthis piece. I watched thinking, are you serious? Could someone really spend their life researching the way people are smiling in pictures? Spend years analyzing the way eyebrows look and the crookedness of lips. ABSURD! And to what end?

To realize that if you're happy now you're more likely to be happy in the future.

I could have told you that.