like water

Bonded

2012-01-30T09:39:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks for me have been frustrating; Nooriya has been making her preference for Zahra known. Every day is, "I want MAMMI!" at various loud volumes and various stages of crying. And that's awesome; there isn't a single person in the world I would rather her want more than Zahra, including me.

Some days I just look at her and she runs to Zahra. She hasn't sat in my lap to drink milk in a long time. I try not to read into it; she's two. But I can't help feeling that she doesn't want me. She just prefers Zahra.

What the heck?! I make every effort to be around all the time; I have a low stress and low commitment job, I don't have or want "guy" plans, I don't really devote any energy to anything else. I am there for virtually all dinners, bathtimes, bedtime and we do everything as a family. What more can I do; it doesn't make sense to me.

Then yesterday. I was out with Yusuf for a few hours during her nap. When I came home, I was greeted at the door with Nooriya yelling, " I LUW YOU ABBA! I LUW YOU ABBA!" Not long later, she lied in my lap awake for about a half hour. It was as if she was just plugging into me and somehow sending to me a signal of how close she is to me. Message received. And this morning, she slept in and woke up after I left for work. When she woke up she was asking for me.

I hope to come back and read this when I'm frustrated. All the effort is so well worth it. I know there will be many times to come where I'm not on the top of her list. It's comforting to know that she can somehow connect with me and erase my frustration.

Ashura #4

2011-12-06T18:00:00.000-08:00

Ashura was yesterday and I'm thoroughly exhausted. It's a good exhausted accompanied by a sense of accomplishment.

#4 because it's Yusuf's fourth ashura. I can remember his first way back when we measured his age in weeks. Now I measure my life by how many ashuras I've had Yusuf with me.

Four years ago we brought this tiny baby to the masjid to show him off. I was so proud to have him. This year I am SO PROUD of him. It was a long, long day for me and probably many more times for him. This year he didn't play; I didn't entertain him. This year he did fakoh the whole day. He did matam the whole day. He said "ya Hussein!" the whole day. And we got to watch two moulas doing vaas together!

I can remember being exhausted that first year too being a brand new parent, a different kind of exhausted, but still exhausted and still comparable. I spent much of ashura this year trying to make Yusuf as much a part of it as I could. I was exhausted then, this year and hopefully many years to come being a parent to Yusuf on ashura.

This year more than others, the bayaans about seizing opportunities and not letting time pass waiting for the 'right' moment resonated so much with me as Yusuf was there with me making me proud.

Taher, spend your time wisely.

Risk and Reward

2011-12-01T08:21:00.000-08:00

Stupid title, I know. I'm sure I'll think that when I come back to read this.

Reminder to myslef - these posts are a snapshot of how I feel and I write them down to remind myself later.

Today I feel great. I feel like I've taken a first real step, a big one for me, towards the job situation I really want.

I've written a lot recently about my job and my job situation. I have to be honest with myself here; it's been on my mind more than just recently. My job situation is great with lots of choice, stability and comfort. I've always thought it would be great to work more independently and one day for myself. But in the past this thought got quickly dismissed. Afterall, my job situation is great so it is just not worth the risk.

Lately, I've been unhappy at work feeling a lot of limitations at work and more importantly, restrictions about how work fits into life. It has become very clear to me how little that fit is in my control at the moment.

Not a whole lot has changed since yesterday other than I have a plan and made some decisions. I have decided the reward of working independently and more on my terms is worth the risk. I don't know what it will be like, but I have decided I want to find out. I have a ton of support to do this. I just need to have a little faith.

It feels great to have a plan.

Bumper Sticker

2011-10-27T06:29:00.000-07:00

I spent much of my drive home from work yesterday behind somebody who had a bumper sticker that read

"If you could ask God one question, what would it be?"

I spent the ride thinking about what was most important to me. And then I was home:P

I think my exact answer is not improtant and it will probably change over time. But I hope to come back here and read this post whenever I need to focus on the sometimes elusive bigger picture and what's important.

So fast...

2011-10-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

I asked Yusuf, "Will you stay in Chicago with us forever?"

"Yeah. Look...that's a big frog."

Very convincing:P

I wish I could freeze them both at this age for a little while longer.

Being important

2011-10-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

I want to write down and capture how I've been feeling about my job change.

I still have the same thoughts as I did when I made the change and I still know in my heart of hearts I made the right move. I have more time with Zahra, Yusuf and Nooriya, a shorter commute, a less stressful job, I don't bring work home with me; basically I'm getting paid more to do less. Lots of stuff on the pro side; this is great, what more could I ask for?

I need to be realistic; I went from working for one corporation to working for another. I didn't start making the world better (or at least better off than in my other job). This is awesome though, I know it is. But I still have this nagging feeling I can't shake. I feel unimportant at work, I'm of little consequence. I used to be important. People used to ask for my opinion and my perspective on things. Now, I don't feel like I'm spending my workday usefully and I'm bored.

No phone, no lights, no motorcar; not a single luxury...

2011-10-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

My phone broke last week, or more accuartely I broke it. Since then, I've been without a phone and now have a phone that pretty much only makes calls.

At the risk of sounding old and this post being a "I remember when gas was only ..." post. Here goes...I remember when phones were just phones. I even remember when phones were only connected to a wall. Oh what did I used to do in this wired, non-touch screen stone-age?:P

The past little while has been frustrating, a bit boring and refreshing at the same time. I realized I don't know how to drive anywhere new without a gps telling me turn by turn where to go, email is not that important and the internet is even less so. I'm sure I'll read this sometime later and roll my eyes.

It's also been refreshing to not use my phone to occupy every 'free' moment I have. It's been nice, in a way, that I haven't been able to take a picture of Yusuf and Nooriya, but had to remember what we were doing and how cute they are. It is wierdly awesome to have my mind wander about this or that and not attempting to be productive in some way all the time.

I have to be honest with myself, I am looking forward to getting another phone in a couple weeks and rejoining the 2011s. In the mean time, I'll try to enjoy being relatively less connected.

My morning

2011-09-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

With much trepidation I've made a change leaving my really good job earlier this summer. I haven't exactly taken a step down, rather I like to think of it a step slower. Up to this point my career has been moving fast; in hindsight, so many opportunities have opened up for me. I wanted to slow down and go at a slower pace. I decided to make a move and see how things would be.

I've gotten used to having a reputation and all the resources and benefits that came along with it. I've been in my new job for over a month and all those things are gone. I'm still in an adjustment period, a difficult one. I got the slow-down I was looking for and it has been tougher to deal with than I expected.

This morning though was perfect. I got up early and went out for a bike ride. I came home to lounge with Zahra, Yusuf and Nooriya in Yusuf's bed as everyone woke up. A little while later, a fully dressed Nooriya came and sat next to me for ten minutes as I did some morning reading (she preferred sitting with me to breakfast!). After getting ready for work, I came down to have breakfast at the kitchen table with Yusuf as he told me a dinosaur story. A short drive later, I'm here at my even lower stress, slower-paced job.

I got exactly what I was looking for and I'm so glad I made the change.

Favorite Thing

2011-07-01T15:23:00.000-07:00

Every year we ask each other our favorite thing that happened in the past year. The last several have been easy for me, usually Yusuf or Nooriya. Found out that we were expecting, one of them becoming real or some milestone for one of them.

This year is different. Equally awesome (even more so), but different. I can't think of just one thing or two or three or four even. The last year has been filled with tons of moments (including dancing and screaming in the kitchen right now) that are the four of us spending time together.

I knew that I had a ton of love to give to everyone before starting this journey with Zahra, but what I didn't know to expect and what I've realized this year more than ever is how much family would mean to me. Knowing that a little more is my favorite thing this year.

(the dancing has turned into fighting...and we're back to playing together:)

Namaz time

2011-06-26T10:59:00.000-07:00

My masala is full!

Namaz time at my house is awesome. Yusuf does namaz with me and pretty well I'd say for a 3 year old. He stands next to me, does niyaat, ruqu and sujud and even understands that we do namaz to do shukur. And in his words, "Shukur means 'Thank you'" All this while Nooriya "does namaz" too. Her idea of namaz is to do sajda and roll around pretty much everywhere I can possibly put my head down for sajda. Then we all do Ya Husein! and Ya Syeda Shohadai matam. After namaz is over we taught Yusuf and Nooriya do salaam to us, a great tradition we saw friends do with their son.

I'm pretty sure I'm at a low for focus and concentration during namaz, but it is awesome! I hope this namaz time stays with Yusuf and Nooriya for a long time (and hopefully it counts a little too!)

I need to get a california king-sized masala:)

Fish is Fish

2011-06-21T06:53:00.001-07:00

There's a children's book out called Fish is Fish. It is a fable about a fish who is friends with a frog. The fish wonders what things are like on land and the frog explains and describes the different animals on land. All the fish can do is imagine a fish with the same description.

The frog describes a bird and the fish imagines a fish with wings.

This image moved me. I hope to keep the appreciation of my lack of perspective all the time.

Big Boy

2011-06-05T11:56:00.000-07:00

Some huge Moula news this weekend. Like many, I imagine, I received it with mixed feelings. It took lunch today with Yusuf and Nooriya to put it in perspective for me.

"Can you feed me abba?" Yusuf said to me in his sweet persuasive voice. Usually, the response is, "you're a big boy, eat". But I just couldn't say anything other than, "sure!" I fed him happily, as he counted the number of bites, told me a semi-nonsense story as he made it up and drew a rhino upon request. Right next to us Nooriya was babbling some words, mostly nonsense and gesturing for me to feed her too. It wasn't long ago that was Yusuf, and not too long from now Yusuf won't want me to feed him.

This froze me; I couldn't stop myself from thinking of all the potential on both sides of me. Nostalgia describes how I was feeling, but nostalgia for the future not the past (I'm sure there's a word for that). And then time started to pass again. I was jolted into the present by the Yusuf and Nooriya screaming for me to appreciate what was on either side of me.

This is helping me process the news. An awesome, exciting future is ahead. There is an awesome and exciting right now to be cherished. Mubarak!

Qabrastan

2011-05-26T06:28:00.001-07:00

Unfortunately, I've been to the cemetery too many times lately.

The qabrastan is a very cathartic experience. I stop what I'm doing and make my way to the masjid and cemetary. Interrupted from whatever I was busy doing and thinking about, I am jolted into thinking about what and who are ultimately important and realize how unimportant whatever I was busy with might be.

The burial is intense. I have never been so directly joined with anyone, but I feel profoundly connected without a deep sense of loss. I see someone I've known for a very long time barefoot and in the grave saying goodbye to one of their family.

I don't think about my own mortality, rather I think about how many times it will be me in the grave saying goodbye. I imagine what that loss will be like; I am happy to wait to know exactly.

I appreciate getting this feeling absent the deep sense of loss and I find the cemetary a great place to find focus and remind myself of some things that aren't always in my thoughts. I am reminding myself with this post to go there more under circumstances that don't suck.

Thanks

2011-05-11T08:31:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling to figure out what I want to do with my career lately.

Recently, I've tried finding other opportunities that are out there. My career path is bright, clear and easy to see where I am; I'm not unhappy for any lack of opportunity. I'm trying to figure out if I want to make a change.

It's not quite this simple, but in my mind it's coming down to prioritizing family and career. For me I've always thought that's an easy one; family is number 1 and career is somewhere much lower on the list.

Unexpectedly, it hasn't been that simple. But then I was reading my very infrequent blog posts over the last few years. And I was reminded that it IS and ALWAYS will be that simple, family number 1 and everything else some other number. Thanks past self for writing down those thoughts and you're welcome future self when you come back to read them.

I Speak for Myself

2011-05-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

Congratulations! I am so proud of Zahra that I can't find the words to express it. This project has so much potential and I hope it ALL gets realized.

I was very eager to get my hands on a copy of the book to see exactly the words that would be reaching hopefully many, many people. I have been reading the essays all week. I started the book in part because I am so closely connected and I expected to be engrossed and am excited as I had a good understanding of the book's purpose.

What I didn't expect was to be one of the people whose mind was opened so much. Having a Muslim American experience, I naively thought I already knew what that meant. I was surprised by realizing the diversity that existed in just these 40 women's stories.

I am very comfortable with my identity, almost complacent. The book has pushed me to grow and rethink what being both Muslim and American mean to me. It has made me be a little more thoughtful about myself both my inwardly and outwardly.

I hope that this book and its ideas reach a lot of people. It will help many, including me.

Calm

2010-10-19T05:15:00.000-07:00

I have been learning to swim the last several months. Up until just recently I could successfully splash my way from point A to B, but it wasn't really swimming. I am happy to say that now I can swim. The biggest challenge for me was mental; I would get in the water and a very short time later I would feel desperate for air. I quickly get frantic and splash around. Things wouldn't go so well from there.

For me, learning to swimming was learning to stay composed and calm. It has been such a skill to learn and difficult too; I have come to really appreciate the feeling.

Pretty often, Nooryia get's frantic and all I have to do is pick her up and hold her close and that's enough to make her calm down. It's pretty amazing as I think about her entire body responding to me; her breathing, her heart rate, and all her muscles just relax. I am honored to be one of the few people who have this power. I feel a lot of responsibility and I know I will try to protect her forever.

Also, today is Nooriya's birthday! We all couldn't wait, especially Nooriya who woke at 1am, 2am, 3am and 330am to tell us. Happy Birthday! We made it!

Yusuf Logic

2010-01-01T18:05:00.000-08:00

I have been unaware just how much my experiences affect my logic and reasoning. My brain fills in the blanks for so much information and guides my thinking. It has been amazing to see the way Yusuf reasons and his logic when he has little or no context.

With a picture, we've taught him that this animal is a dog. We were amazed when he saw a totally different type of dog and said, "doggie". How did he know THAT was also a dog? It wasn't until later that we realized any animal on all fours was a doggie.

It makes perfect sense. Why wouldn't they be doggies?

I observe Yusuf and his thought process and marvel at just how logical it is.

Little things and little ones

2009-12-30T12:13:00.000-08:00

I have been re-reading some old posts and was struck by one in particular, little things. Three years ago I took stock of my life to that point and reflected on how seemingly little things could shape who I was.

Fast forward to December 2009, I can hardly believe that I have two little kids of my own and all that has happened in the last three years. Again, I am taking stock of all the "little things" I have done and thought that have shaped the person who I am and want to be. I am taking stock of the things that are different now and those that are unchanged, trying not to be distracted by what seemed important at the time.

Having kids has changed things so much for me. Not only am I constantly shaping the future Yusuf and Nooriya, but they are shaping me as well. These little ones constantly remind me of what's truly important. They have given me this lens, one that I previously had only glimpsed, to evaluate things in my life. Thanks.

Pehli Raat

2008-07-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

Tommorow marks the beginning of Rajab, a month of fasting for me. For a while, I have been dreading the impending fast full of long, long summer days, the abscense of coffee and missed summer lunches in the city.

Today's walk to work, however, brought clarity and I thought about why I fast and why I enjoy this month so much. All the religious fulfillment aside for a moment, this month means a great deal to me. It is valuable time spent re-focusing on my priorities and becoming centered. The last few months have been filled with distractions like work, money and all the other things that seemed important at the time.

I don't know why, but I lose sight of all that I have and have been able to do. This last 7 plus months with Yusuf and Zahra alone have been full of milestones, but what I thought about this morning was potential. Seeing Yusuf and my family grow so much this year has me thinking about all the potential and all the milestones that lie ahead. I am going to spend this next month reflecting about right now and the future. I am going to spend it reflecting about all the potential I have right in front of me and before me. I am going to spend it thinking about my family and what it means to have have a balanced life.

Family Chorus

2007-11-13T07:32:00.000-08:00

Last night Z and i sat on the couch, enjoying a worry/study/work/chore/obligation free evening watching some mind numbing TV. We sat close and in our usual spots on our familiar couch. I sat blocking out everything. I could hear and feel my heartbeat, my breathing, Z's heartbeat, Z's breating, the baby's heartbeat and the baby's hiccups rythmically pulsing in perfect harmony.

Studying

2007-09-01T13:53:00.000-07:00

When history depends on the future, things have a tendency to become confusing - Charles McClenehan FCAS, ASA, MAAA

I'll say Chuck. Hopefully this is the last time.

Risk etc.

2007-03-10T12:38:00.000-08:00

I'm back...
Just a couple of interesting (in the mind of the beholder?) topics of study that I've come across...

The so called St. Petersburg Paradox is an interesting problem. It is where probability and economics come together. This problem attempts to value the marginal, the additional, the extra. The value is widely thought of as utility.

Economics makes use of the word 'utility'. That word is loaded, and the interpretation can lead to different places. It is interesting to me that fundamental economics depends on this interpretation. Relating this to Aqa Moula's noorani kalemo, I attempt to very very loosely paraphrase Aqa Moula's Chelum vaas, "benefit should be taken from wealth". I'm not sure what my point is, but I'd love to hear any thoughts you have.

Another thing I came across,
Bodie, Kane, and Marcus define gambling as 'the assumption of risk for the enjoyment of risk' and they define speculation as 'the assumption of risk in spite of risk for a perceived favorable risk-return trade-off'
A fine line if you ask me. Again no real point, but I'd love to hear any thoughts.

Semantics?

2006-12-13T19:07:00.000-08:00

Racist, Prejudice, Opinionated, Associations. Is there a difference?

I've come across this project, implicit. They set out to see what people associate with different topics, types of people, and things. You can find general information about the project here. They have gathered a ton of data and use it to make conclusions about culture and society and their influences on our sub-consciousness.

The conclusions that they draw are eye-opening and their 'data' is substantial and convincing. I haven't taken the implicit test. In part because I don't know how much credence I give to the test and in part because I am afraid of what the results might be.

Proceed at your own risk.

Fast Friends

2006-12-10T08:44:00.000-08:00

Five and a half years post-ZP. It started as romantic as I could have imagined; across the world, unexpected, and with its own obstacles. Instant attraction (at least from me) and a certain amount of wooing. It was difficult, but easy at the same time. Falling in love was easy, and having it happen in a story book way made it so perfect.

I think back to those first few months and wonder what it was that I fell in Love with? I enjoyed the time we spent together and we connected so often and easily...but what did I LOVE? I think it was part physical attraction and part loving what I thought those parts of ZP's identity I didn't know about yet could be. That unknown was exciting.

Fast forward to today. The attraction is still most definitely there, but those unknowns aren't. And the certainty is glorious. Take away the attraction, and what's left is my best friend. The best friend I could have ever imagined, the part that is not in story books but should be.

Your best friend ZP,
Taher

Little things

2006-12-06T12:53:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking how it's little decisions snowball and can really shape your life, who you are, and what you become. We make small decisions almost daily because of or inspite of fear. I look back on the last several years and, at least in my personal experience, can identify overcoming and succumbing to little fears that have really shaped the person I am today.

One example among many is namaz. At some point many years ago, I was afraid (at least on some level) to do namaz outside of a mumin's sanctuary. But then one day, I gathered the courage to do pray in a public place. I must admit, I was probably nervous, anxious and rushed through all the neccesary arkans only doing the bare minimum of namaz. As before, I again found myself out during namaz time and found it just a little bit easier to do namaz in public...this happened again and again. And now, I carry a compass whereever I go, do namaz without hesitation, without care of my surroundings (and I don't mean to worry you ZP). Now, it's as if I can not miss namaz.

This is one fear I could have easily succumbed to and made a habit of not praying on time or not praying at all. I ask myself if my actions or some innate religiousness are the cause or the effect...a classic what came first, the chicken or the egg case [feel free to make fun of MA, I won't erase the comments]. There have been many small paths I've taken in my youth to bring me where I am right now, and it's important to realize there are still those little things almost everyday.

PD

2006-11-29T07:49:00.000-08:00

NERDS ONLY PLEASE!

Reading is...

2006-11-27T11:17:00.000-08:00

FUNDAMENTAL

This weekend, I've had the wonderful company of a very bright four and a half year old. It has been amazing just observing. She seems to learn so much everyday, and everyday is a milestone, like a mini-graduation. I am sure every kid on the planet goes through this at some point in their lives, but to me, that makes it all the more amazing.

The coolest thing by far is watching her read. What age do you learn to read anyway? Words are so familiar, second nature and just done without thinking....if there are words in your field of vision you read them, just can't help it. I feel like I was born knowing how to read, I can't imagine learning to read.

Watching her sound out words, big words, is just amazing....I see a 7 letter word, and that's it. It stands alone, just a symbol etched into my memory...she sees it as the sum of all it's parts, each letter a sound and each word she figures out is an epiphany for her. A little victory. So amazing to watch...what it must feel like to have that kind of mental growth so often.

It's so crappy that you can never fully appreciate what you have.

Photos

2006-11-21T08:08:00.000-08:00

I was watching my favorite news source, FoxNews, and sawthis piece. I watched thinking, are you serious? Could someone really spend their life researching the way people are smiling in pictures? Spend years analyzing the way eyebrows look and the crookedness of lips. ABSURD! And to what end?

To realize that if you're happy now you're more likely to be happy in the future.

I could have told you that.

Staying power

2006-11-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

"Where are we going?"
"To the airport"
"Can I come too?"
"YES!"
"Where are you going?"
"Chicago"
"Can I come too?"
"YES!"

9 letter words

2006-11-16T16:30:00.000-08:00

Terrorism. The operative word that is like a cloud over this country, me, and my life. I can only wonder the ways that my life would have been if not for this word. It is everywhere. After the elections, I read this poem and was moved.

I lift my voice aloud,
make Mantra of American language now,
I here declare the end of the War!
Let the States tremble,
let the Nation weep,
let Congress legislate its own delight
let the President execute his own desire--
this Act done by my own voice,
published to my own senses,
blissfully received by my own form
approved with pleasure by my sensations
manifestation of my very thought
accomplished in my own imagination
all realms within my consciousness fulfilled

Communism. Another 9 letter word. If I was born in a different time how would things have been different?

cheeky

2006-11-15T21:41:00.000-08:00

Well it was a fun weekend at N.E.R.D, I'm officially a member. Along with the other 1,000 or so in attendance plus the Microsoft conference happening in the same hotel it may have been the highest concentration of geeks in glasses this side of the Mississippi (and yes I wore my glasses).

The conference got underway with a motivational speaker, Joey Cheeks, an olympic speed skater. After finding out who the speaker was, I was thrilled. I just couldn't wait to hear what wisdom this speed skater from North Carolina who is a couple years younger than me could impart and the motivation he would provide. Oh, plus I was just dying to hear all the great sport cliches (note the sarcasm). But I was pleasantly surprised. His thoughts very much echoed exactly what it was that I was feeling going into the week. Why do all this work? For what? His story was very different, but very much the same.

He talked about his years of training growing up and moving away from home to skate and be coached by the best. He talked about all the years spent preparing, the countless hours spent training on the ice and in the gym. All the people along the way who helped him get there. His coaches, his parents, a nutritionist, a sports pyscologist, a team of rocket scientists who designed a suit that cost $15k. All this time and effort to finally make it to the olympics and spend 30 seconds competing...all those years of preparing, a life spent focused on one thing...and only to be over in 30 seconds. In the end he was just, "a grown man in tights skating in circles." He spent all this time building up the story and then made you see that reaching his goal is not the most important thing to him.

I really felt like he was talking to me and it gave me some much needed perspective. I've spent so much time and had the support of so many people along the way; I've been working so hard I forgot to ask myself what is really important. It was good to be reminded that it is far better to be signficant than to be successful.

Finally!

2006-11-10T07:20:00.000-08:00

After what seems like an eternity of studying a bit of recognition this weekend. This weekend is the beginning of the annual Actuarial (N.E.R.D) conference in sunny California. This will be my first conference and my induction into the society.

I have spent countless hours in what has been a blur of studying and test-aking over the last four and a half years. I have never put so much effort towards anything...and this weekend I'm getting recognized for being ALMOST done. I have been thinking, has it been worth it? Will it have been worth it to have given up a large part of my 20s to get a couple lousy letters after my name that only 5 non-actuaries worldwide will know the significance of (plus or minus 3 people).

There are so many other things I could have been doing during that time, namely spending with my family and Zahra and other things for which there is never ENOUGH time. Time I can never get back. So many other pursuits given up.

I am a firm believer in the philosophy 'use your time now doing what's important' and though I respect the 'work hard now to emjoy later' camp, I can't understand them and would not want to be one of them. But am I one of them? Why spend all this time and energy on this? I don't really know the answers to these questions and it has been bugging me...but for now, I think I will just enjoy this weekend.

Hiatus

2006-11-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a while.

For the first time in a while my mind feels free to wander and think about things not actuarial. I love learning and that is what drives me to study, but sometimes it's like a prison, stuck to the same thoughts and no mental energy to devote to anything else.

I have this new mental freedom, the best kind of freedom and I'm taking advantage of it. This freedom feels so new; I had forgotten what it felt like. I am in awe of this feeling and am going to hold on to it.

Neither here nor there

2006-06-21T12:29:00.000-07:00

Both personal and professional lives are full of compromise. It’s everyday. The middle-ground always seems to be moving…well, away from the middle.

I anagram, I

2006-05-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

Twelve plus One = Eleven plus Two
12 + 1 = 11 + 2

The Spice Trade

2006-05-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

Four centuries ago spices and tea had some role in the colonization of India. Come on, spices! When we were there, we went to Kashmir, one of the few places in the world that arguably the most valuable spice, pound for pound, saffron is grown. It can bring in anywhere from $500-$700 a POUND.

What is saffron anyway? It’s the stigma of a flower…this little strand inside bud the flower and there are only 2-4 inside each flower. So that means that 166 flowers have to be hand picked to make a gram (as heavy as a paper clip). Usually, most spices are sold by the ounce, so for those of you keeping track that is 4,700 flowers, hmm…that’s a lot of flowers, can you picture 4,700 flowers in a field, flowers in bloom. If you do the math the numbers just become mind blowing, but there are 16 ounces in a pound which make roughly 75,000 flowers!!!

Imagine 75,000 or so flowers in a field all in bloom...$500 seems like a bargain.

Culture Merchants

2006-05-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

Wal-Mart has a laundry list of…alarming, to put it lightly, statistics. Over a quarter TRILLION dollars in sales (~4% GDP), accounts $120B trade deficit with China, roughly 20 lawsuits daily just to name a few…and trust me there are MANY MANY more. There is just no way to really grasp the influence and impact a gargantuan company like Wal-Mart can have on the economy and the country.

The hypnotic effect statistics often have, make us overlook something which may be just as alarming as the numbers that get thrown around. Media. Wal-Mart is America’s largest seller of books, magazines, music, AND dvds. Scary huh? Scary to think that “Will Wal-Mart Buy It” is an important consideration made by companies producing this media. All of it ‘censored’, as it were, by a giant corporation with its own agenda.

How many books, magazines, and movies will you never come across because Wal-Mart doesn’t deem them appropriate to carry in their stores?

just for fun?

2006-04-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

I used to be competetive. I had this bloodlust that was just brought out in me in certain activities. And I was good...I had this confidence, this cockiness and it helped me do good in school, it helped me kick peoples' but in wrestling, and once upon a time win in tennis. And then one day a long time ago that competetiveness just disappeared. Now, I usually just play for fun, as gay as that sounds.

Well, twice a year I spend a long time nerdily preparing for exams and I go in to those exams with tons of confidence and even if it doesn't show a certain amount of cockiness...actually a lot of it. Not to be confused with some elitist attitude, I am not smart, but I am prepared and I have studied and I am not modest about that.

For a brief moment I really have that competetive spirit, mostly within, but I can feel it coming back. I can go into pressure situations and handle them with a certain amount of grace. I have that confidence, that was in hiding, back, and I am ready to be a person who gives direction rather than one previously so apt to take it.

Free Trade

2006-04-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

What are your opinions on free trade? Everyone else seems to have an opinion and ‘credible’ supporting data. It can be misleading and all these ‘stats’ should be taken with a grain of salt, and unfortunately they rarely are.

Free trade is great, it leads to lower prices and ‘allows’ more efficient production which ‘puts’ more money in consumers’ pockets and they have all these stats about how the ‘net social gain’ is positive…increases in GDP, blah blah blah.

The words in quotes are deceiving. ‘Allow’, allow? Does it mean jobs are eliminated and those out of work have the privilege to be more efficient? That’s nonsense.
Lower prices means more money for consumers…this is a tricky sentence, lower prices ultimately are a result of lower, if not eliminated, wages…not lower profits, no body cuts profit to lower prices.
Net social gain…basically means those made better off will benefit by an amount more than those made worse off…it doesn’t consider WHO is made better off and the utility (the usefulness) of one more or fewer dollar.

The US has a $220 billion dollar trade defecit. Why is that bad? Think about it this way, if it takes 10 jobs to produce 100 tvs for export, that’s an extra 10 jobs, and conversely if 100 tvs are imported, that’s 10 jobs lost.

For economic wealth, for there to be winners there has to be losers.

Tankman

2006-04-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me that a single person and come along and change the world.

This person inspired millions by standing up, literally. It isn't even known who this person is, but this act, this picture inspired a whole country to stand up...and continues to influence the world.

In 1989, Communist China dealt with a huge pro-Democracy demonstration in Tianamen square. Martial Law and a force of 300,000 were sent in to quell the demonstrations. After the army takes control this man, fed up, stood up to these tanks in a final act of defiance, but his story and inspiration live on.

It inspires me to believe I can stand up for what I believe in.

Fortune cookie

2005-12-24T22:14:00.000-08:00

The sweet yellow fortune teller says
"statistics are no substitute for judgement"

and my lucky numbers are 3, 5, 11, and 19

family dinner

2005-12-23T11:06:00.000-08:00

Expecting!

2005-12-12T07:22:00.000-08:00

We’re expecting…a niece or a NEPHEW! They are almost 4 months along, and it is fascinating that this little life is GROWING inside. I have seen sonogram pictures over the past few weeks and they are amazing themselves, but they don’t compare to what I heard this weekend.

20 magical seconds. I listened to a recording of the baby’s (I don’t know what to call it/HIM/her) heartbeat. Unbeleivable! I don’t know where to begin describing it. It was so strong and fast, beating rhythmically, frantically…pumping blood to what? The few inches of body? The heartbeat was so strong and so fast, like the little one was running sprints...does it even have legs yet?

That’s the thing that amazes me…it is not yet 4 months, and yet there is this incredible, real, loud, pounding heart that is just beating away…yet so much else of the baby has probably yet to form…probably doesn’t have any digits, other “vital” organs haven’t formed, eyes?, ears?, lungs? All of the things that make us human are lacking, except for heart…there was a heart, perhaps the thing that makes us most human?

Hanging Orchid

2005-12-05T19:09:00.000-08:00

This is an old-style thai house. It has none of the frills and stuff that we ceaselessly accumulate to fill the space we have. This traditional house had nothing but aplank to sleep on, a floor, a roof, and these flowers. Thats it. No walls even.

Earth From Above

2005-11-22T08:46:00.000-08:00

My sense of enormity was inspired last night as I saw the world from above. I saw the city from the 96th floor, atop the John Hancock building, staring out into the man made sea of buildings. This land of a million lights for miles and miles….all lighting up a million different universes make up Chicago.

You may remember a hundred years ago, there was a small fire that burned a few of the buildings down.

Since then, hundreds upon hundreds of buildings have gone up in their place. Awe inspiring is just not descriptive enough. When you think that men, like little ants, built up the city one stone, one brick, one floor, one building at a time…reaching skyward as the city spilled over and was then corralled by the lake. And still under construction!

All man made? Is that possible? There must have been some divine intervention, I mean just LOOK, is this not comparable to Niagara Falls, Muir Woods, or the Grand Canyon? The lights, towers, the silent mayhem that is going on below. People filling every space, every floor, every room…life teeming out of every concrete corner. The lights! There are so many, too many to count. Top to bottom, east to west, north to south….light upon light upon light. Can we have made this? So much energy in this place, rivaled only by the sun it seems.

I was battling an anxiety to get out of what I thought was so familiar…so Chicago, but going up and seeing for miles and just realizing that ‘downtown’ as it is generically called by suburbanites like me is divided into 20 distinct neighborhoods, just in “the loop” alone. The thought that just a couple buildings could EASILY house my entire suburb, made me just realize that there is so much city left to be discovered.

I have lived here my whole life and this is the first time I have been here. WHY HAVE I NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE?

Night Hancock

2005-11-22T07:52:00.000-08:00

Sea Foam

2005-11-13T08:40:00.000-08:00

Physics 112

2005-11-09T20:59:00.000-08:00

I can remember back to my first college physics classes studying light and fluid dynamics and magnetism. I am so fascinated with the way thoses classes explained the world. A bird in flight, a traffic signal, the tide, a pool ball. I can still recall coming out of each class(feeling a bit nerdy)and being in awe of just having learned how this or that works while fitting so nicely into the principles of what i was learning.

I saw this glass while at a lecture recently. I noticed that it was half full:p and also noticed the reflection of the words on the screen transposed in the reflection of the water. The rays of light bouncing around in the glass and totally understanding why...i wish i could say the same for the lecture.....so naturally i swiped the glass so i could take some pictures. I look at this picture and i feel a sudden(and brief)insight into the world, just like my weekly freshman physics revelations.

Mishkat

2005-10-22T13:08:00.000-07:00

House Boat

2005-10-16T14:29:00.000-07:00

Recommendation

2005-10-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

I happened by a couple pieces of paper that caught my eye and made me pay close attention. The pages were brownish and old looking. It was stationary, but old and it had come from a type-writer, not a printer.

My eyes searched for the date, January 1985. I started reading, realizing they were references or recommendations. Not just run of the mill recommendations, but full page almost gushing recommendations of work ethic and dependability and accuracy and most notably, ‘likability’.

This last part was what made most impression on me. Yeah sure, you think about the work that is to be done, that’s what you are looking for. A person who can get the job done. But being liked…that’s such an intangible quality, and one that is so often overlooked in a work relationship.

The pages both used the words, “character”, “likable”, “nice to be around”. I was very proud to read this on letters of recommendation for my dad and wish him the same experiences in his new job.

life less ordinary

2005-09-30T16:29:00.000-07:00

Sad how easy it is to fall back into life. Didn't even miss a beat, it seems. Everything around is so comfortable and so much as it always has been.

So much of the everyday just comes and goes, passes us by. Though, about a year ago, everything was different, every single thing...from going to the grocery store to GETTING to the grocery store on the back of a crazy motorcycle taxi! The sights and sounds are still very real in my mind. I can smell the slightly offensive strange food being sold on the street and hear a low roar of people buying and selling in the marketplace so vividly in my head.

This is a picture i took of some fruit being sold in the market. Just stacked one on top of the other, like the many sensations, i felt one on top of the other...it brings me back to that place that had a pulse all its own.

northshore

2005-09-26T17:05:00.000-07:00

sunset beach

attention

2005-09-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

A thousand words

2005-09-25T17:40:00.000-07:00

I love taking pictures and I want to share them, so I resolve to share.

Pesky Brazil Nut

2005-09-25T17:14:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough to go to the amazon last year and it still fascinates me. There are so many mind boggling facts about the amazon like, it produces 20% of the earth's oxygen or the amazon river contains 30% of the world's freshwater, that i could just list and list and list. Thanks google.

One thing in particular that just is fascinating about mother nature and the symbiosm that exists in nature is the brazil tree. This mammoth tree that grows up to 160 feet tall. They generate their own climate, make clouds and rain. Its own eco-system.

One of several things that are amazing about this tree is that it produces a pod full of seeds, those brazil nuts that no one likes. Well what's fascinating is that the pod is so hard that not a single animal in the forest, and that's thousands, has jaws strong enough to break the pod. It would take a man 20 minutes with a hacksaw to open one of these pods...The brazil tree depends on one rodent with chisel like teeth to open the pods and bury the nuts.

WOW! This mammoth tree is totally dependent on one little rodent. This tree that can house thousands of species of insects and animals in a single tree, totally dependent on one little animal. Life. Nature. Incredible that the tree that is the life blood of the forest which is perhaps the life giver of the world so closely tied to every living thing.

Simulate

2005-08-31T12:19:00.000-07:00

I’ve been reading a lot of technical actuarial papers for a project I’ve been working on. I have designed a pretty cool way to run Monte Carlo simulations. It’s the sort of thing I could just as easily be doing for a lab class in college as for work.

I am reading about and looking up many mathematical and statistical principles and am in a new awe. Covariance, correlation, convolution and transformation. I am relearning properties that I am again finding fascinating. How the rules never bend, yet equations, properties, and situations somehow simplify from complex monsters. I am being reminded of why I am such a geek and love numbers. So beautifully dependable and objective. Their properties, amazingly complex but in the end beautiful for their simplicity and the elegance the way everything can come together.

No skin ON

2005-07-20T12:09:00.000-07:00

OooOOoooo….the body world’s exhibit at the museum is just on my mind. Days later and I’m still thinking about it, still forming ideas and still in awe. It was interesting, sad, intellectual, grotesque, and beautiful all at once.

Hundreds of REAL HUMAN specimens ‘plastinized’ (is that even a word?) and carefully dissected and displayed. Awesome! These real human bodies of men, women, and children displayed with no skin let you see (quite literally) the inner workings of the body. You could see the muscles, the organs, the nerves the skeleton, and everything else inside from every angle.

Upon entering, the first display made me just stop and think, “Is that REAL?” It is almost too much to take in, my mind was in shock, I ended up spending so much time looking at the first body, at a person who used to eat, drink, and maybe even look at exhibits in a museum. Just frozen in plastic. The bodies were posed and seemed ‘ultra’-real, there was a teacher, a runner, an almost voyeuristic look at a mother and her unborn child, a family holding hands, and more.

It is gruesome to know that they are real and individuals…but with no skin, no color, no religion, they are just people. Just the same mix of red and yellow and blue as anybody.
They are just a mix of many complex systems intertwined and working as one machine. A beautifully engineered machine who’s creation may have been more in exercise in ‘beauty than utility.’

This exhibit, this human body may be more appropriately placed in an art museum rather than one devoted to science.

Check out http://latitude.blogspot.com for Z’s take on this.

Soma-tose

2005-07-13T12:53:00.000-07:00

Ever read Brave New World? I haven’t since high school and I’m glad I picked it up again, because I was probably did not get a whole lot out of it then. It’s an Orwelian-esque novel where a Utopia is created through conditioning and chemicals. In this strange society, everyone is conditioned to know their place and everyone takes ‘happy’ pills.

They are happy drones. Of course it begs the question, are they better off not knowing?

Isn’t there is so much that we are (blissfully?) ignorant of? With our TV pills and 9-5 conditioning you have to wonder

“Don’t you want to be free and men? Don’t you even understand what manhood and freedom are?” – Aldous Huxley

Portrait

2005-06-24T06:30:00.000-07:00

This weekend while celebrating Maryam's first birthday was the first time that my entire family has been in the same place at the same time, since several people have become part of the family. Now adays, seldom does it seem we are in the same place. So we decided to capture it on film.

What an ordeal, a fun one! In a matter of seconds it was decided that we would try to do a family portrait. And do it NOW! So the house was in a mess as we moved furniture and set up lights and cameras to record this likely to be the last time there are only 10 people in the family, and in one place. We had every combination of sleeping and awake kids, our rooms appeared as if they had thrown up with clothes strewn about and finally we all were awake, dressed to kill and posing.

I guess 20 pictures is not enough to capture a pose with 10 people all with their eyes open and not looking wierd at the same time, but it was a very fun 3 hours.

The best part was the 10 seconds between each time the timer was pressed and the picture was taken. The whole family trying to get the two kids to not cry and look at the camera put a real smile on everyones face. A smile from the heart, not the head...and even though we won't have it in a frame, I have it in my head.

Risk

2005-06-08T14:18:00.000-07:00

I was playing risk, the game of "world domination" recently and went home with it on my mind. I worked out the probabilities of outcomes for the different scenarios. It wasn't that hard really, and now I want to find something more challenging, but for now here are the results.

I had some trouble putting the numbers into blogger, but basically the way to consistently win is to attack as much as possible. The wrong message or just good old fashion entertainment?

Jati

2005-05-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

“Welcome to the world”.

Rebirth. I feel like the potential is there all the time. A friend of mine wrote in his blog, “the end is near”, and I thought, “yeah, isn’t it great?”.

I have had this great feeling for a long time of being on the verge of being in the best time of my life. Excited. Thrilled. Dizzy with joy at the thought of what I have to look forward to, and the change I know that is right around the corner.

A book I’m reading about how the souls, of the characters are connected and intertwined. More so the book is about their relationships. It is so easy for me to identify with this. I feel ‘reborn’ all the time. Reading a friends blog, talking with ZP, reconnecting with a friend, making a new one, simultaneously being a son and a husband, or being a brother.

I feel so intertwined and it provides so much perspective. Every day is so rich with these relationships. Relationships that make me feel so intertwined with my jati.

Nam

2005-02-06T05:27:00.000-08:00

Viet-nam, that is.

This place just reeks of war. It's in the air and you can just smell it, it is so ripe. Some of it has even become tourist attractions. And as a dutiful tourist...

Cu-Chi. This place just near Saigon is where some of the fiercest fighting took place. During the war 8 million tons of bombs fell on this small country and many of them on this resilient place. An the evidence is apperent. There are massive craters left by the b-52 bombers. Footprints of a giant. The National Front for Liberation, vietcong (vietnamese communist) as they were named by their enemies, built a system of tunnels here.

After visiting this place it is easy to see that the vietcong had a huge psychological advantage over any enemy. They lived in a system of tunnels. These small, dark burrows deep in the ground were where the vietcong lived with the support of the people. Even the bravest soldier couldn't be blamed for not following into these tunnels. This place is full of horrible booby and landmines made from the bombs of their enemies. And enemies who passed too noisily had to worry about being devestaed by guerillas who would emerge from the ground .

This place was ripe with war, horrible war and the lifestyle of the vietcong had to fit...getting rid of the smoke from cooking without being detected, the "food" they ate for months and years, the bathrooms, the many 2x2x2 holes in the ground that served as one man bomb shelters, the clothes they wore. All this, not to mention a foreign enemy having to deal with the heat, malarial mosquitoes, and monsoon rain. The shear dedication to a cause was enough to scare the pants off me.

The realization that our tour guide who visited this place day after day was probably the age of an average soldier during this dehumanization of south vietnam really turned my brain.

Thai Drama

2005-01-29T20:10:00.000-08:00

Two hours at the Chalermkrung Theatre, another Bangkok night. The theatre in a way was so much like what you would expect, but Bangkok in a way that has yet to disappoint.

We had great seats and it was two hours watching “The actress”. The imagery was great. The curtains opened to a woman dancing in traditional Thai dress and this amazing music. Being deaf to every word, but still hearing every action made it so different.

But for me the music stole the show. You might expect there to be a band or an orchestra, but there was one person. He was playing this instrument that made this incredible noise that you could just feel in your bones. I don’t know what it was called, but it was as if he took the insides out of a grand piano and played the strings with his hands.

One more thing, at the end of the show, several people went up to the stage and showed their appreciation by handing flowers to the actors and actresses. So simple and nice. Why not cross that line?

anniversary II

2005-01-06T03:15:00.000-08:00

I was just out walking on the campus near dusk when from out behind a wall a teacher's kid shoots out on a bicycle. This little girl with hypnotic grey eyes wearing an obnoxious fluffy pink dress flowing in the wind riding her proportionally mini cherry red bicycle as fast as physics will allow the kiddie huffy to go brings a smile to my face. An 'insta'-smiile. Not thinking about what i've seen, just smiling and being in the moment.

I'm coming up on an anniversary of sorts. Though, it's true the number of dates in the year worth remembering have gone from 0-60 in a couple years since meeting zahra. Worth remembering indeed. This last year has been filled with more moments than any before. Good. Bad. Incredible. And several more words that fail to describe any of these moments.

Getting to my point...well i guess i don't have one, not totally neccesary i suppose. I read something today that, sadly, made me feel good about my writing. "Inspiration doesn't automatically give birth to technique."

basic

2004-12-30T19:14:00.000-08:00

I spent the better part of 15 hours trying to make relief packages for some of the people that have felt the devastation. Only the most basic things...toothbrush, toothpaste, rice, water, blankets, things that would require more thought to be taken for granted.

The last few days my spirit has just been non-existent, absent. Finally, yesterday a tangible way of helping...feeling it in my hands and my back that i have done something, i still feel like shit. With all the effort of the people working, we provided relief to a few thousand people for a mere few hours, while milllions of people are displaced. I am pretty sure i'm supposed to feel good about something, but i don't and i don't understand why. What's happened and what's happening is affecting me so much and I didn't personally know anyone affected directly. If I did, at least i would be able to understand how i'm feeling. I feel displaced.

baby bird

2004-12-04T19:05:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning i walked into class to find a bird in the classroom, ordinarily nothing even to bat an eye at, ordinary. This was a baby, however, that entered the room and couldn't get out.

I spent what seemed like hours just trying to show this baby the door and have it fly through it. It just couldn't find it and flew here and there and into windows and walls. Forever just trying to urge this scared, confused, infantile little bird through the door. Following it both hands cupped and making ridiculous bird noises getting it to cross that threshold.

Despite the many things i don't like about being a teacher, i enjoy coming in on saturdays and helping those kids who need the extra help. This week i spent more than an hour encouraging a shy girl just to speak in audible tones, just a girl who could use more attention.

I look forward to seeing the baby birds on saturday.

Extra

2004-11-23T02:18:00.000-08:00

Every day is full of things that are Extra-ordinary, as I see them anyway. Tonight I’m just thinking about the past few days and all the crazy things that have just happened as totally normal.

I’ll just tell you about a couple…Yesterday riding in a sang thaew (the back of a pick up truck) on the way home from dinner the car stopped in the usual traffic and just maybe two feet away on this one lane road was an elephant’s big but….hmmmm….Today, I attended a shameless so called fundraising carnival complete with crooked carnival games including “pin the bindi on the forehead”.

It seems that not a day goes by without the daily departure from the ordinary.

School Spirit

2004-11-17T21:01:00.000-08:00

This is something that still baffles me. Being a student, I can’t say that I had very much of this. Being a teacher, I see now why this can be important. The students I teach who have it take pride in their work, in their appearance and are concerned with their results. They are just all-around more pleasant to teach.
I had classmates who had a lot of school spirit at my school and friends at other schools who did as well. I didn’t understand it then and still do not. Now, however, I see it as beneficial to the kids in this school. How can one instill school spirit? Can one instill a sense of pride? It’s on my mind and if the few people who read this have any thoughts, I’d love to hear them.

Fresh

2004-11-15T06:07:00.000-08:00

Totally? Partially? Not at all? Shaped by all the things around us. Probably.

Sometimes it can just be overwhelming. Listening to other people, seeing their attitudes, there situations…I see it. The influence can seep in over time, sometimes it comes all at once, but it is unmistakably there. It affects how you feel about going to work, going home, going out, just about going anywhere doing anything.

Fresh. Taking stock. Just one day wake up and push all that aside. Forget about how much or little you have, just go through the day and just decide for yourself. I did that today and Monday seemed a lot less like Monday and Friday didn’t seem so far away.

The Garden

2004-11-05T21:40:00.000-08:00

Every day I see about 120 children whose name faces I know, whose names I know, and personalities I know. I hadn't realized how attatched I would become to many of them. It is something that just didn't cross my mind...I interact with these children, these little people who are so much individuals in their own way, every day. I can not really think of another profession where you might interact so often and intimately with other people.

I can really understand now why high school teachers are so happy to see their former favorites years later. It's incredible that I KNOW these 9, 10, and 11 year olds...To see them grow up in front of my eyes...In a year, in two years, in ten years. In a way it's like a parent watching their kids grow up, but rather watching hundreds grow up at so many stages of adolescence and childhood, SIMULTANEOUSLY.

Tending to a growing garden, just waiting patiently for it to flower. Waiting for the brats of 4B to become the young adults of 10B. That's rewarding.

Complacency

2004-10-27T06:29:00.000-07:00

God Dammit people! Get off your ass and do something about it. If there's something wrong, and you know it DO SOMETHING.

I'm so sick of people just passively taking what comes. Passive is not even the word to describe it, as someone so aptly described a person in a bad situation, "not being passive, but actively doing nothing"

if this describes you, then i say, 'what the hell man?'

ASS-umption

2004-10-27T02:42:00.000-07:00

Assumption makes an ass out of u and me. I’ve heard that lame joke so many times. It rings truer today. I on the other side of the teaching desk, and there is so much perspective to be had on both sides.

There are countless situations and relationships where you probably don’t know the whole story. Parents, teachers, bosses, peers, and many others. I interact with people who fall into these categories. What I think I know affects these relationships.

Consciously, I wouldn’t think I knew the whole story, but I think this experience has taken a layer of subconscious ‘ass making’ right off.

Time

2004-10-20T01:39:00.000-07:00

I’m still thinking about complaining, more specifically what is everyone complaining about. A big one is not having enough time. For once, I feel like I have so much time, and even more fortunately for me is that I realize it and am not wasting it.

Not unlike many I imagine, work has become little more than a means for me. It’s a means to be here, to be learning about myself and giving me so much time. However difficult or frustrating a day at work can be, I’m still home (and with Zahra!) by 3:30 with the whole day stretching ahead of me. I have more time to be with Zahra, read, think, and do other things that have always been a lesser priority then ever before.

Happy

2004-10-14T01:42:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why so many people spend all their time (or what seems like) complaining. Even if there's nothing current to complain about...just bitch and moan on and on about something that in the past or something that might happen in the future.

It's as if they've signed a contract promising to be unhappy...everyone could complain about something if they wanted. Being unhappy is as much a choice as being calm, or being angry, or being...happy.

Community

2004-10-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

Jamaat- the simple translation would be community. Chicago is my home, and I like to think I’ll always be a part of the Chicago jamaat.

But here, in Bangkok, I belong to a new jamaat, and this one is markedly different from any I’ve been in before. First it’s not Indian. It’s 3 or 4 generations Thai. The first language here is Thai. The people are Thai. The food is Thai. From it’s inception 120 years ago, this jamaat has flowered in seeming isolation from the global community. There is a translation of the majalis in Thai, and they even pay homage to the royal family of Thailand at each function.

It’s very different, but when you walk in the masjid, it’s still unmistakably Bohra. And though it’s like any other Bohra experience I’ve had before, I’ve gotten a sense of community that I feel should be at the heart of any jamaat.

One difference is that the Amil doesn’t sit on a thakat, many feet off the ground, rather only a few inches at the audience’s level. During Vaas, the Amil asks questions, takes jamaat member’s names…talks to rather than at.

I am a new member and am not privy to many of the unspoken obligations and gossip and history and hierarchy that goes along with being a part of any social or cultural organization which is quite possibly just below the surface. From this distance, however, it feels how a community should…like a family (I know this must be a slight exaggeration, but that’s how I feel right now)

Audience?

2004-10-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

When I started writing this, it was for myself. Though over three months, a few people, to my surprise, have told me they read my blog. Reading what I’ve written, my writing has changed from the introspective way it began.

Perhaps three people isn’t actually considered a readership. But, consciously, I want to turn inwards as when I started.

Full Moon

2004-09-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

We were out last night and found there to be a huge flood about 1 kilometer from were we live. This was interesting because it hadn’t rained, or at least that we noticed. But there it was unmistakably, a pool of water that stretched on as far as the traffic, flooding the entire gas station and shops along the road. Not just a puddle, I’m talking 1-2 feet deep water. People walking through it and water up to their knees; we could hear the water at our feet underneath the car!

The next day this mysterious, non-rain water was explained. It was a full moon…high tide. Because Bangkok is about 1 foot above sea level, when the water is at high tide, the river rises and the drains back up. Something that seemed so bizarre was explained. It’s not even all that strange here I suppose as it happens once a month.

It’s great to experience something so…well unexpected…that’s the best word I can think of right now

old paper

2004-09-29T01:39:00.000-07:00

Here's something that i dug up from a paper i had written after coming back from egypt.

One of the first few weekends I was there a new friend Max called me up and asked, “are you busy this weekend? Ok, meet me at the bus station in the morning and bring a sleeping bag.” And this was the beginning of my first adventure, and it truly was just that. In the morning I found myself at the bus station, in reality it was just a huge lot with ten different bus companies scattered around and filled with people who only speak Arabic. After much searching I found Max, and we were off to, to, to….well to be honest we weren’t sure. Armed with bread, some jelly, sleeping bags, and our handy Fodor’s Egypt guide, we took off!
Some four hours into the bus ride the bus driver let us off, strangely enough it was just the two of us who got off. It was a fork in the road, on one side was the red sea, the other desert and not a town for 3 miles in any direction! After some lunch and deliberation, we hitchhiked (not highly recommended) on an unusual overcrowded bus full of Coptic Christians; a large Egyptian man who closely resembled Santa Claus invited us on.
From there it was on to St. Paul’s Monastery, the first in the monastic tradition. Some monks gave us food and a room. Thus far everything just seemed to be happening for us, it was amazing and completely spontaneous. We stayed for a few days and hiked, just trying in vain to capture and take in all the serenity that was around us in the middle of the desert. Hiking was one of the activities of choice, and no words can describe the immense fullness of what we saw. Imagine climbing a mountain, when you reach the top you can see miles in any direction and still see no sign of life-a road, a tree, a house-nothing! Imagine climbing to a place where the wind gusts so that you can hardly stand to see the canyon that the wind has eroded away, just years of wind!
Traveling is an excellent way to meet people. We played soccer with some of the other people visiting, and it was a bonding experience despite the language and cultural gaps we connected, beyond words. At this point everything good just seemed to happen, so convenient, and when we thought about how we were going to get back to Cairo, some of our new friends offered us a ride to Cairo, a 4-hour ride! When we arrived back and tried to explain the details of our trip, the response was pure jealousy. It excites me to see a person totally enthralled by a story of something I did. OH and by the way, this 3-day excursion ended up costing around $6.

Sounds of Bangkok

2004-09-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

Sounds of Sam Rhong actually, a suburbish place just outside Bangkok. We live on the sixth floor and have three balconies through which the surrounding sounds fill our apartment and have become welcomed sounds of home.

I say suburbish, because it’s not a city, but sounds like a city…maybe not even a city. Let me explain. Every night is like a concert of various sounds…many of which we can’t exactly explain.

First there is this xylophone (I never thought I would write that word:) music that we hear every night. A solo xylophonist practicising? Hmm…Some nights there’s karaoke, very catchy different music butchered by some wanna be singer(s). These music sounds are constantly interrupted by unitelligable yelling in thai. Domestic problems? Very excited people?

Animals. Roosters, they roost at sunrise right? WRONG, all day and all night. Dogs, they go crazy every night, like a pack of werewolves in a full moon…waking us in the night, they sound like they’re killing each other or some other very loud animal…we think to ourselves, ‘at least they won’t be making noise tommorow’, wrong again!

The strange/cool part is we’ve become accustomed to these sounds, a unique mix probably only ever to be associated with apartment 601.

Tough Job

2004-09-15T01:10:00.000-07:00

I have a class of fifth grade boys, they practically ruin my afternoon when I step in that classroom, a group of about 30 mostly unmotivated, uninterested, and rowdy kids. I have tried everything I can think of to get them interested and to pay attention…and every day I leave their classroom exhausted, drained, and frustrated. Many of them aren’t anywhere near a fifth grade level and a handful do not speak English.

I cannot discipline them; I can barely get them to sit down quietly. Some of the teachers here hit the kids; I can confidently say I will never. I took some extra rowdy students to the mild mannered principle and to my surprise he hit them. Then they behaved…for one day.

I know now, what will happen if I send them to the principal. I have already resolved never to hit, but aren’t I doing just that if I send them again to the principal? Even the threat of the principal will keep them in line for a short period, but that’s still the threat of violence and I don’t like that.

Easy answer is not to do that….but I’m still stuck with a group of kids and without the one tool, hopefully not the only, of discipline they respond to. Help.

Me Nam Chao Praya

2004-09-12T23:40:00.000-07:00

That’s the name of this river that runs through Bangkok, south and on to the gulf of Thailand. Also, we’re fortunate enough to live near the river.

It feels like the moon, it follows you wherever you go. Every time we go out, it’s appearing and disappearing on the side of the road…in the city, the riverfront is spectacular, lined with tall buildings and nice hotels, and restaurants….filled with many river taxis and boat traffic, and at night, it’s filled with boats that are lit up taking passengers on cruises. At night you can see large, lit up boats floating down the river from our window.

And the sun sets over the river, as it’s usually to the west. Maybe it’s the pollution, but the sun is red about an hour before the sunset, so there’s a beautiful show of red and purple lights with the river. Just as most Chicagoans share a strong bond with the lake, Me Nam Chao Praya has the same effect on me here.

Compass

2004-09-12T23:38:00.000-07:00

3$, that’s what I spent on a compass. I think it may be the best 3 bucks I’ve spent in a long time. I’ve been to three different countries with it already and it’s helped me to find Kiblah in so many different situations. I used to feel uncomfortable putting my masela down and doing namaz anywhere when the time comes.

This compass has been liberating, it’s been something physical, tangible that is letting me overcome that feeling of awkwardness. I’m being myself all the time, even in Thailand, in the strangest of places…a zoo, a train station, a temple, a parking lot, a mall….

36

2004-09-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

36 years.

36 years have seen a war in vietnam, korea, two in iraq and so much more.
36 years have seen 4 passport renewals, 36 tax returns, 3 states, and 7 different houses
36 years have seen 3 kids, 3 marriages, and 2 grandkids
36 years have seen 4 parents, 3 sisters, and 3 brothers pass away

i could probably continue down this list for another 36 years

My parents, god bless them, celebrated their 36th anniversary of being married this last week. And it makes me feel in awe of them. I'm just recently married and learning the meaning of the word "giving". For perhaps the first time, us children have finally been able to give back something, albeit nothing in comparison to what each of us has recieved as a result of their 36 years together.

Thank you for giving me a wonderful home to grow up. From the bottom of my heart, I want to wish them not only a happy anniversary, but another happy 36 more years. I love you mom and dad.

cadence

2004-08-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

Every Friday morning, the students at this school as a group perform these ridiculous exercises as a group. While wearing their uniforms, in dress shoes, and in the morning heat (which is slightly less than the midday heat and slightly more than the evening heat) they perform group jumping jacks and arm raises, quite literally to the beating of a drum.

This is as silly as I am trying to make it sound, maybe even more so....and the kids know it. My job is to stand and "supervise", whatever that means. I can only stand think how ridiculous is this? for 30 minutes! But is it only the students out there in the heat marching and performing the prescribed exercises? You may not hear that drum, but are you listening for it?

For whom the drum.....Tolls?

Colorama

2004-08-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

My first real saturday here.

We set out, camera in hand determined to go somewhere, directionless...but certian of one thing, it would be new to us. We found our way to the river and took a river taxi for what seemed like a very long time. I found myself thankful for the direct sunlight for the first time in two weeks as the boat bounced up and down in the river. Over the last few months, being in the amazon, the waterfalls, the rivers, and the daily torrential rains I have developed this great affinity for water. It's almost as if I have become one more part water than I was before...the idea of water, the powerful symbolism of water has begun to make it self apparent.

In search of some "sights", we rested our feet at one of the, literally, hundreds of wats. A wat is a buddhist temple. To give you an idea, these are fantastic buildings with red and gold roofs, spotless and reflecting all light, with walls encrusted with red, gold, blue, and green tiny pieces of hand placed mosiac stone and tile. These wats are surrounded by walls, that somehow seem to block out all sound of the busy streets, and all that you can here are the few monks adorning the traditional orange robs chanting a mantra.

Next we discovered the flower market in Pak Khlong, pronounced as two very stacatto syllables...actually who am i kidding my pronounciation sucks. I felt as if i was floating a sea of orchids, walking until i was tired, my eyes exhausted from seeing what felt like the whole range of visible light and still not reaching the end of the market. I can see myself walking and turning this way and that, almost round, noticing flowers and colors to my right to my left, just behind me...

I remember very carefully seeing the people walk by NOT noticing. How routine can life get, people walking by this sea, no ocean, of flowers, these gorgeous wats and not noticing. How can I say this when I am fully aware that this is me too, not noticing...sometimes not really noticing this beautiful person I am waking up next to every day, the family I have that is missing me every minute I am gone, my friends, and the many innocent, wonderful children with their eyes fixed on me during class.

Good thing I have my camera!

Rise To The Occasion

2004-08-18T05:49:00.000-07:00

Our sleeping habits have been off a little bit since we’ve been here, and fortunately for us they haven’t resumed normally with sleeping late and what seems like all the time.

Nope! It’s been 11 days, and every day I’ve been up, I’ve been outside, I’ve been wide awake, before the sun has come up. Every day, I’ve seen the sunrise from the field where I’m exercising or my balcony. It’s exhilarating! To be up, to be alert, to see that purplish-reddish haze in the sky, to see those fantastical few first rays of light fighting through, over the horizon.

‘Big Deal’, you might say. The sun rises every day. It sure does….and until these last several days, seeing the sun rise was only on a special occasion, only under an unusual circumstance. Now my everyday starts with a bright colorful light show, it starts with appreciation….magic. Maybe there’s something to that saying, how does it go? Early to something…early to rise makes a man something, something, and something else.

When was the last time you saw the sunrise?

“Doo-doo” rian

2004-08-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

Actually it’s spelled durian, It’s a tropical fruit, like no other I’ve ever seen. And I had the misfortune of mistaking durian flavored ice cream with mango, the most unpleasant experience of recent memory. Just horrible.

To my surprise, people like this? Acquired taste wouldn’t tell the half…it’s a coconut sized fruit covered with hard brown spikes. Imagine a 20 foot tall porcupine laying a brown egg (pretending porcupines laid eggs) or the meanest blowfish and you’d have a durian.

They smell so bad, they’re forbidden to take on public transportation. In the train station they have signs with a picture of a durian with a red circle and a line through it, like a no smoking sign!!! Don’t believe me? Look it up on the web.

Durian the outlaw of the fruits!

one night in bangkok

2004-08-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

it'd be a shame if i didn't use this title as a post title...and as i thought of this song while i was here the last few days, i realized...other than this song i'm mostly ignorant of what is, Thai and Bangkok...this song and some wholly unauthentic restaraunts i've discovered. Thai food, thai markets, has this smell of food and seasoning that just permeates everything. I don't like and have yet to become accustomed to it, i don't think i will...other than that one small difficulty this country is great, bustling and beautiful so far...like a huge metropolis with green fighting to break through.

I've again started to notice the things around me, appreciate the things around me good and bad....the stores, the taxis everywhere, the smells...both smell of flowers everywhere and the offensive smell of fish, the monsoon rain, the scores of people and the horrendous traffic.

It's sad, very sad that i had, after so short a time, become oblivious to the world, allowed myself to be broken down by the 9-5 desk job...I'm certain that there are so many things at home, as here, that deserve to be appreciated, noticed, and worthwhile. It's sad i had to come 12 time zones away and be shocked into noticing. When i come home i will hold on to this thought for as long as i can, for dear life...otherwise what's the point?

antsy

2004-08-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

In 36 hours i'll be on a plane, heading towards bangkok. I'll get to see what i'm made of, if i have what it takes to be a teacher. This may be the most challenging thing that i have yet to undertake, and i'm thrilled. I want to write down what i'm feeling right now so i can remember it, read it and help encourage myself to be a better teacher if i find it overwhelming.

I'm giddy with the thought of having many pairs of eager eyes fixed on me, waiting for me to tell them about what I'm most interested in. I hope they are eager, I was eager, with the right teacher anyway...i hope to be that 'right' teacher.

I can remember countless times sitting in class listening to a teacher lecture about something, something that i got. I can remember thinking, "just say it like this...", i know that would make it clear to me, and i think it would help out my friend sitting next to me. I wanna be that teacher that says it like "this" for all the students, i want to read this post and remember how motivated i am to reach, or at least understand my students.

I've tutored before, but never had students...there's a different, a person comes for tutoring and needs help, a student comes to class and is a sponge. I have to realize that each one is probably at least as complex a little person as i was...only then can i understand...only then can i make a difference.

So before i start, i wish myself luck, and when i'm reading this in the future...in my nervousness, i remind myself, "never give up, being part of peoples lives is the most important occupation. Failure is not acceptable."

history

2004-07-29T13:28:00.000-07:00

I've been doing some reading lately, and after a long time i've been thinking about what i learned in history class, one of my least favorite subjects...there's a theory i came across, "cognitive dissonance", big words that i'll just tell you how i take it to mean and use it thus. To me it means, simply, interpreting the events of the past using the standards, morals, and acceptableness of today.

In school, I learned to admire, people like thomas jefferson, george washington, or woodrow wilson. We look back on things like slavery, segregation and if you care to look closer, many other effects of racism that were institutionalized. Today, looking back, we call those events and institutions dispicable, as they certainly are, but many of the signers of the declaration of independence were slaveowners. My point is that that was "ok" then.

What will my generation be remembered as? Why is it not shocking to me to know that when i look for a job, I'll be more likely to get that job and hire paid than if i were a woman. Today, the door of opportunity opens wider and faster for men than it does for women. I read what i just wrote and am not shocked, because that's the way it is. Why am i not shocked and appauled? Are you? Will this sentiment be thought of as dispicable? Why isn't it now?

5 minutes from the edge

2004-07-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

everyone around me has a different way to manage stress, handle anger, deal with criticism, etc...

and they seem to work for everyone in their own way. for me, lately, i've been try to wait 5 minutes, it does wonders. It's amazing that as a general rule, 5 minutes from now things are better than they were 5 minutes ago...
just knowing if things aren't well, in 5 minutes they'll be better makes me appreciate just how much i have.

take 5.

For me to poop on!

2004-07-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

Or to be pooped on rather. That was my thanks for playing with a baby recently, great! I later would help change the diaper, and by help i mean distract the baby while someone else changed her, thinking to myself the whole while, man it smells like well...crap in here. Everyday this baby's parents, and everyone else who raises their kids in the world stand down wind and wipe off mountains of crap...they wash, clean, soothe, listen, instruct, play with, and raise their children everyday.

Why do they do that thing...oh yeah, love...their children so much. Something a new mother said to me recently gave me a little perspective. She went to see a movie for the first time after having a baby and she freaked out a little, in my closed-mind i thought, "what's your problem? it's only 2 hours!"... She said, "i haven't been away from this kid since it was..." and i was expecting her to say born, but she finished the sentence "concieved"...never really thought of it that way before, i can more understand why parents love their children, but I probably only have the slightest inkling.

I appreciate parents, mine own and yours, in a new light as a child, an uncle, a new husband, and someday a father. YOU have someone who has put up with a whole lot of your crap...and quite literally too.

Fad?

2004-07-19T15:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm officially on the bandwagon...I have a blog.

why? i don't know, i don't really consider myself a writer. From time to time i have things on my mind that i want to get out. why not?

i think i'll give this writing business a try because i am thinking it doesn't have to really be that good to write it down.

for that matter
it doesn't have to be that profound to make you think, or
it doesn't have to be that kind to be appreciated, or
it doesn't have to be much to make a difference.

and so it begins...